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    • bytheseas
    • By bytheseas 9th Apr 18, 7:23 PM
    • 22Posts
    • 18Thanks
    bytheseas
    Dating with no money?
    • #1
    • 9th Apr 18, 7:23 PM
    Dating with no money? 9th Apr 18 at 7:23 PM
    Well. Been living on my own for around a year now and been using dating apps a fair bit recently.
    I was just thinking if it happens we can always go for a walk along the beach or a dog walk somewhere. Maybe even waste a few 2ps in the arcades.

    Now I've got the the point of asking a girl out and she just instantly replied with "Where would we go" to which I suggested the beach like above. She then said it would be nice to go for food... blah blah.

    Anyways... I can't even afford to pay for me to go out for dinner at the moment. Never mind pay for someone else.

    Has anyone else been in this situation? How do we date without money!?

    Should I just wait until my finances are in a better position? Should I tell them I'm skint? (Doesn't sound like a good plan to me)

    P.S I know this is probably in the wrong place but nowhere seemed to fit...
    Starting Debt (08/04/2018):
    Mortgage: £68,455.13.
    Student Loans: £18,954.88.
    Tax/accounting: £2873
    Total: £90283.01
    Goal: Debt free in 15 years.
Page 2
    • lessonlearned
    • By lessonlearned 10th Apr 18, 2:37 PM
    • 9,812 Posts
    • 61,208 Thanks
    lessonlearned
    I would be far too nervous to eat a meal on a first date. A coffee would be just fine for me.

    One of my most Romantic first dates was a walk in a park but that was years ago. I married him dear reader.

    Museums, art galleries, mooching round craft fairs, strolls along a beach or a nice park all free. Add in a coffee or ice cream and it wonít. Break the bank. In really nice weather what could be nicer than taking a picnic, it can be very romantic (with the right ierson). Just make the food sexy (no boring soggy egg sandwiches). Maybe a bottle of fizz if you can afford it. Cava is gorgeous and about £5 a bottle.

    Take a look round your nearest city or town and see whatís available. Check the whatís on guides. You might be surprised at just how much free or cheap stuff there is. Cities are often great for free stuff.

    Donít forget groupon deals. Posh afternoon tea can be surprisingly cheap.

    Meals out are nice of course they are but not very imaginative or exciting. And they can actually be quite nerve wracking on a first date. . Better to go for a coffee or a drink for the first meeting just to break the ice and see if you actually want to see each other again.

    After that try and do something a bit more memorable than just stuffing your faces. Dare to be different.

    Do you have a river or lake where you can hire a rowing boat. How romantic is that......

    One of my most memorable dates was visiting a church where we did some brass rubbings (sounds rude doesn't it but I assure you it was all very innocent. ). Then we spent a happy half hour walking round the grave yard in the pouring rain. Sharing an umbrella is a perfect excuse to get up close and personal.....

    Itís all about being different, using your imagination to have a memorable date. After all you donít want to be like all the other guys....you want to stand out from the crowd.

    Any fool can splash money around to try and impress but It shows very little thought or imagination.

    Wow her by being different to all the other guys. Show your fun side.
    • Fireflyaway
    • By Fireflyaway 10th Apr 18, 6:06 PM
    • 1,669 Posts
    • 1,788 Thanks
    Fireflyaway
    I did internet dating years ago ( it's how I met my husband!) And never went for food. I wouldn't want to spend money being with someone you really might not enjoy being with and it's hard to talk properly when you are eating. I
    I'd much rather go for a walk or coffee and I'd be more attracted to someone living within their means than spending to impress but actually being in debt. I hate showing off of trying to keep up.
    • Karonher
    • By Karonher 10th Apr 18, 7:34 PM
    • 480 Posts
    • 2,082 Thanks
    Karonher
    There is always the chance that the woman who has blocked the OP is a bit suspicious and worried that they may be expected to pay for everything. They are also at an age - assuming they are only a few years younger/same age as the OP - when they want to do things they enjoy rather than what they consider making do. They may have been more than happy to pay their way when it came to going for a meal.

    If they are looking to meet someone they will be serious about and settle down with, they may be put off by the idea of having to wait however long it will be before they can start thinking of a house/family. If they want a few more years of fun before settling down, a walk on the beach may not cut it.

    I would always pay half and not expect the man to pay everything, but I would also want to know we could do what we wanted and not be limited to a coffee or something cheap/free. Cheap days out can be fun, but not when they are forced on you and are all that is available for the time being.
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    • Soundgirlrocks
    • By Soundgirlrocks 11th Apr 18, 3:31 PM
    • 467 Posts
    • 685 Thanks
    Soundgirlrocks
    Splitting the bill? I know it's 2018 and all that and I have been out of the dating game for 6 years. But does this really happen? I honestly can't recall a moment in my life where a woman has ever offered to split the bill or pay. Certainly not in the first few dates anyway. I'm only 31 too, it's not like I'm in the woman at home man at work generation haha.
    Originally posted by bytheseas
    My friends and I are veterans of dating in London (even just going for a drink can cost £20)

    General agreement of what we like is a bloke that offers to pay BUT we would then counter offer to split the bill or buy the next drink. Weird possibly but that seems to be the norm in our group. If the offer isn't there then it does seem to ring alarm bells, and if they start itemising "I had this you had that" then its a run for the hills!

    That said personally if someone was up front at the start and said they were watching the pennies "can we do XYZ" that would be great and wouldn't put me off.
    • determined new ms
    • By determined new ms 11th Apr 18, 3:46 PM
    • 6,803 Posts
    • 39,765 Thanks
    determined new ms
    I agree with everyone on the meal front - personally when I was dating I liked to keep the first date fairly short. I remember once being taken for a meal and realising very quickly that I had nothing in common with the person, there was no spark so conversation was hard to keep going. However the other person obviously didn't share my concerns. At that point I made the decision short dates of an hour or so for the first date.

    Personally I've never been very materialistic so if I was intrigued enough to want to get to know someone more (after the initial meeting) I would be happy with creative/low cost dates - well actually as that's my thing I'd personally like it! I guess the people who like you, and feel you spark enough interest won't be bothered by that. The ones who have a different outlook aren't for you anyway so there's nothing really lost there except time wasted finding out someone's not for you.

    Depending on your age if you're older you may struggle with people who you do hit it off with but aren't financially strained and have the money & desire to do things that cost. And if you're younger, well in my experience fun in my younger years was more expensive! But I guess that's life, sometimes it's a case of the right person at the wrong time.
    DF as at 30/12/16
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    • Sncjw
    • By Sncjw 11th Apr 18, 7:14 PM
    • 1,691 Posts
    • 1,020 Thanks
    Sncjw
    Well looks like you had an escape there. Clearly she was after your money or being greedy.

    Couple quid for a coffee is perfect for meeting up. Maybe try save a tenner or so just in case you end up staying for a couple more. Maybe she won!!!8217;t mind paying for her own.

    I!!!8217;m single and have been for 8 years sad I know but I find it difficult to meet people as I!!!8217;m very hard of hearing so I go on internet dating sometimes but I also think pekple are joking when they say they like me due to what happened at school. I just don!!!8217;t believe it

    You don!!!8217;t need to tell her your full financial details just could tell her this is a tough month when you meet up. Don!!!8217;t say your cash strapped when arranging meet up just say you would rather go for a coffee to get to know each other. If your comfortable with her then you can decide on the next date and say your in a tough time atm but would like to see her again.
    • Sncjw
    • By Sncjw 11th Apr 18, 7:16 PM
    • 1,691 Posts
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    Sncjw
    Or you could take some money for coffee then get water the next round as I know cafe Nero offer water well my local does
    • John-K
    • By John-K 11th Apr 18, 7:20 PM
    • 516 Posts
    • 732 Thanks
    John-K
    My friends and I are veterans of dating in London (even just going for a drink can cost £20)

    General agreement of what we like is a bloke that offers to pay BUT we would then counter offer to split the bill or buy the next drink. Weird possibly but that seems to be the norm in our group. If the offer isn't there then it does seem to ring alarm bells, and if they start itemising "I had this you had that" then its a run for the hills!
    Originally posted by Soundgirlrocks
    This sounds fair enough, but may I ask, do you expect equality in other areas of life, such as oromotions at work?

    We seem to be in a strange between-times period at the moment, where women (as a group, so aiím generalising) demand equality (or better) at work, but still assume that, as above, men should treat them as better than equals in financial matters.

    Itís common for women to expect men to offer to pay, but seems far less common for women to think that it could be them who offers first.
    • bytheseas
    • By bytheseas 11th Apr 18, 10:21 PM
    • 22 Posts
    • 18 Thanks
    bytheseas
    This sounds fair enough, but may I ask, do you expect equality in other areas of life, such as oromotions at work?

    We seem to be in a strange between-times period at the moment, where women (as a group, so aiím generalising) demand equality (or better) at work, but still assume that, as above, men should treat them as better than equals in financial matters.

    Itís common for women to expect men to offer to pay, but seems far less common for women to think that it could be them who offers first.
    Originally posted by John-K
    Now now, lets keep this on topic.
    I can see that taking this thread down a very dark path of gender equality arguments.

    Now lets all grab some hot chocolate and watch the Red Pill ...
    Starting Debt (08/04/2018):
    Mortgage: £68,455.13.
    Student Loans: £18,954.88.
    Tax/accounting: £2873
    Total: £90283.01
    Goal: Debt free in 15 years.
    • Soundgirlrocks
    • By Soundgirlrocks 12th Apr 18, 10:45 AM
    • 467 Posts
    • 685 Thanks
    Soundgirlrocks
    This sounds fair enough, but may I ask, do you expect equality in other areas of life, such as oromotions at work?

    We seem to be in a strange between-times period at the moment, where women (as a group, so ai!!!8217;m generalising) demand equality (or better) at work, but still assume that, as above, men should treat them as better than equals in financial matters.

    It!!!8217;s common for women to expect men to offer to pay, but seems far less common for women to think that it could be them who offers first.
    Originally posted by John-K
    Ignoring the chip on your shoulder you appear to have (how dare women demand to be treated equally!) and the recent study showing the extent pay gap highlighting the chronic undervaluing of female dominated industries. No where did I say I expected to be treated better than equal in financial matters.

    If I'm meeting someone for a drink and I arrive first I will send a quick text saying I'm there and what would they like, so yes I do! I also often send the first message on dating apps.

    I would never dream of just buying myself a drink, I would consider it rude.

    Its more about a nod to old fashioned manners, and a general attitude towards money. I wouldn't suggest diner on a first date either but as I said my friends and I would always counter offer to split the bill and expect to.

    Interestingly over on the relationship board couples that operate a "this is my money and that's yours" approach often get shot down as not really being in it together. There is probably an element when dating of assessing someone's attitude towards money and how they handle that first interaction.
    Last edited by Soundgirlrocks; 12-04-2018 at 11:01 AM.
    • John-K
    • By John-K 12th Apr 18, 7:32 PM
    • 516 Posts
    • 732 Thanks
    John-K
    Ignoring the chip on your shoulder you appear to have (how dare women demand to be treated equally!) and the recent study showing the extent pay gap highlighting the chronic undervaluing of female dominated industries. No where did I say I expected to be treated better than equal in financial matters.
    .
    Originally posted by Soundgirlrocks
    Wow, you certainly managed to get the wrong end of the stick there.

    I!!!8217;m very much in favour of equality, in all areas, including work. I just wonder sometimes at women who claim that they are too, but who still assume that the man should make the first offer to pay, or the first move, or should hold a door open for them. I find it strange, inconsistent, and probably damaging to other women by reinforcing out of date gender stereotypes.
    Last edited by John-K; 12-04-2018 at 7:57 PM.
    • Soundgirlrocks
    • By Soundgirlrocks 13th Apr 18, 11:06 AM
    • 467 Posts
    • 685 Thanks
    Soundgirlrocks
    I!!!8217;m very much in favour of equality, in all areas, including work. I just wonder sometimes at women who claim that they are too, but who still assume that the man should make the first offer to pay, or the first move, or should hold a door open for them. I find it strange, inconsistent, and probably damaging to other women by reinforcing out of date gender stereotypes.
    Originally posted by John-K
    I didn't say we assume I said its something we like. And as I said I do often send the first message, buy the first drink etc which you seem to be ignoring. Equality doesn't negate good manners (on either side)

    When you are dating you are out to impress a potential partner, you are looking at their personality, appearance, shared experiences, all the things that attract people to each other. Its a different environment to the workplace and people do behave differently. We make 100's of micro decisions based on that behaviour. When a man offers to pay I think for myself and my friends its a sign that they will have a more open attitude with money than a "this is mine that's yours" which is desirable. And when we counter offer to split the bill we hopefully show don't expect to be carried financially.
    • CavendishWobble
    • By CavendishWobble 14th Apr 18, 11:06 AM
    • 31 Posts
    • 60 Thanks
    CavendishWobble
    Soooo.....back to the original post...!

    Bytheseas - As a 20 something guy in the city whose been on his fair share of dates i do get where you are coming from, dating can be expensive even if you are fine financially and being honest the large majority of females do expect you to foot the bill to have a chance of a second date.

    For a first date, i do look for cheaper options because you can gauge pretty quickly if you both 'click' or not. Iv taken first dates to expensive dinners before only to find we have nothing in common. Some 'cheaper' options iv done previously are -

    - Walk around a scenic park or place & offer to get them a coffee or drink whilst we walk round
    - Any museums or art places with free entry then a coffee or drinks after (if you 'click')
    - Buying a reasonable bottle of wine, bringing some glasses and drink it together at a park / beach
    - Free comedy clubs but again buying them a drink to enjoy the performance with (plus change for the collection at the end!)
    - Hiring some bikes and cycling around green areas / beaches etc
    - Crazy golf (there are some reasonable priced ones outside in my seafront towns)

    Good luck and hope this helps
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    • Bertles
    • By Bertles 15th Apr 18, 2:00 PM
    • 2 Posts
    • 4 Thanks
    Bertles
    From what I've seen in other money saving / debt free groups, there are a lot of people out there trying to find someone with the same financial goals.

    Maybe you could be upfront about it on your dating profile. Explain that at the moment you are working on being debt free for a better future etc. That way you won't waste time with those who aren't on the same page as you.

    Maybe write down some light hearted choices for cheap / free dates and say they can pick one.
    • pennystretcher
    • By pennystretcher 15th Apr 18, 3:18 PM
    • 384 Posts
    • 1,442 Thanks
    pennystretcher
    Be honest from the start and like the other ones have said, maybe you had a lucky escape.

    Picnics and walks on a beach are good with me. If you have to take someone out for a meal, using an offer is OK with me, maybe someone who looks for a sugar daddy will disagree with me....

    Personally I'd take turns with dates, you pay this one, I'll pay the next. But then that's just my opinion...
    Mortgage free
    • pennystretcher
    • By pennystretcher 15th Apr 18, 3:31 PM
    • 384 Posts
    • 1,442 Thanks
    pennystretcher
    - Walk around a scenic park or place & offer to get them a coffee or drink whilst we walk round
    - Any museums or art places with free entry then a coffee or drinks after (if you 'click')
    - Buying a reasonable bottle of wine, bringing some glasses and drink it together at a park / beach
    - Free comedy clubs but again buying them a drink to enjoy the performance with (plus change for the collection at the end!)
    Originally posted by CavendishWobble
    The points above tick the box with me. (Re reasonable bottle of vino, depends the taste. I like my £6 prosecco from Lidl and £4+ pinot grigio - always Italian from Venice for around £5 a bottle does the trick for me..) If someone said that we could go for a wee walk in a park and turned up with a picnic basket/bag with blanket, bottle of wine and maybe some olives and cheese&crackers, I'd be all over the moon. (And olives can be the ones from a jar, as long as you put them in a container that doesn't show where they come from and cheese is already cut into cubes and crackers are in a non-branded container) So you can buy the cheapest, but just hide the price by putting in a nice looking lunch box/plastic container.. (Most people can't tell where you got it from unless you show them the label.) It's the thought that counts. Not the money spent on the food.

    Ps For white wine and if you are having a picnic on a sunny day, put some ice cubes in a thermos so you can add them to the glasses to keep the wine cold.
    Last edited by pennystretcher; 15-04-2018 at 3:41 PM.
    Mortgage free
    • ali-t
    • By ali-t 15th Apr 18, 6:47 PM
    • 3,736 Posts
    • 6,327 Thanks
    ali-t
    Definitely cheap or free for a first date but I don!!!8217;t want to have to change my lifestyle too much to accommodate someone who can!!!8217;t afford it. If a persons profile has lots in it about enjoying meals out, holidays, hobbies etc and every date is walking the dogs (love dogs so that is always a good option just not all the time) then I would start wondering when and with who they do all this stuff or is it lies to lure in a prospective partner.
    If you always do what you have always done, you will always get what you always got!
    • maisie cat
    • By maisie cat 15th Apr 18, 6:59 PM
    • 375 Posts
    • 437 Thanks
    maisie cat
    My first date with my husband was a walk followed by chips and coffee in a pub, we still talk about how nice it was 16 years later. We were both pretty skint at the time and never did do the lots of expensive dates thing.
    • Spendingqueen
    • By Spendingqueen 15th Apr 18, 7:03 PM
    • 111 Posts
    • 22 Thanks
    Spendingqueen
    One of the first times I met my now husband was going round to his, he made me beans on toast and we played old video games on his consoles. It was a lovely time just me and him. I agree about the first date needing to be public thought - Why not just be honest, say you are skint and suggest a nice bike ride / walk or if you have a local park that has activities they may be cheap enough or free cinema tickets in the freebies thread on here?
    • luvsmoothies
    • By luvsmoothies 16th Apr 18, 6:11 PM
    • 519 Posts
    • 341 Thanks
    luvsmoothies
    you can get free condoms from family planning
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