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    • givememoney
    • By givememoney 8th Apr 18, 1:48 PM
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    givememoney
    Estranged brother in care home
    • #1
    • 8th Apr 18, 1:48 PM
    Estranged brother in care home 8th Apr 18 at 1:48 PM
    We have just discovered a recluse brother is now in a care home. Should he die would his brothers and sisters be responsible for the funeral costs? Also would they be expected to pay towards the care home fees? He never married and doesn't have children.

    This may seem harsh but he never wanted to keep in touch with us despite invites and never informed us where he was as he travelled around.
Page 1
    • Torry Quine
    • By Torry Quine 8th Apr 18, 1:58 PM
    • 17,171 Posts
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    Torry Quine
    • #2
    • 8th Apr 18, 1:58 PM
    • #2
    • 8th Apr 18, 1:58 PM
    The person who arranges the funeral is liable to pay so if you don't do this you have no responsibility to pay.


    You also have no libilty to pay care home fees.

    In both cases if your brother or his estate can't pay then the local authority pays.
    Lost my soulmate so life is empty.

    I can bear pain myself, he said softly, but I couldna bear yours. That would take more strength than I have -
    Diana Gabaldon, Outlander
    • Silvertabby
    • By Silvertabby 8th Apr 18, 2:24 PM
    • 2,537 Posts
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    Silvertabby
    • #3
    • 8th Apr 18, 2:24 PM
    • #3
    • 8th Apr 18, 2:24 PM
    Torry is right - you have no liability for your brother's care home fees or funeral.

    In the case of funeral expenses, it's the person who arranges the funeral - and signs the contract - who pays. However, I expect that Social Services will already have an arrangement in place with a local undertaker for these cases.

    ADD: If the care home have your contact details, then they may 'invite you' to arrange the funeral and pick up the bill. If that should happen, just tell them that you can't afford to pay.
    Last edited by Silvertabby; 09-04-2018 at 9:23 PM.
    • Danday
    • By Danday 9th Apr 18, 4:13 PM
    • 346 Posts
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    Danday
    • #4
    • 9th Apr 18, 4:13 PM
    • #4
    • 9th Apr 18, 4:13 PM
    That's a different issue.

    It doesn't indicate any lack of conscience to want to know your position about potential liabilities, and paying for a funeral is going to be totally irrelevant to the brother, as he will be dead when the question arises, so there is no question of any lack of conscience or family feeling about that, either.

    OP, you don't have any liability for your brother's care costs or funeral costs. You could, if you wished, contact him to see whether he would like to be visited or to get letters / e-mails / phone calls, if you would be willing to re-connect with him. Doing so would not change the position with regard to any liability. It may be that he is still uninterested in keeping in touch, or it may be that he would appreciate it.

    However, you are not under any obligation to reach out at all, if you don't want to. Just because someone is a relative doesn't mean you have to like them or want to spend time with them, and you don't miraculously start liking someone simply because they are ill or old.
    Originally posted by TBagpuss
    I don't agree. What the OP should be asking is if he SHOULD pay for the funeral irrespective of all of the issues.
    I would hate to have it on my conscience if I had a brother under those same circumstances and on his death refused to pay for a decent funeral and headstone. Maybe the OP would have no feelings either way if his brother was buried in an unmarked paupers grave.
    • McKneff
    • By McKneff 9th Apr 18, 4:25 PM
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    McKneff
    • #5
    • 9th Apr 18, 4:25 PM
    • #5
    • 9th Apr 18, 4:25 PM
    There is no such thing as a paupers grave.
    I hate the phrase
    make the most of it, we are only here for the weekend.
    and we will never, ever return.
    • Mojisola
    • By Mojisola 9th Apr 18, 4:31 PM
    • 29,115 Posts
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    Mojisola
    • #6
    • 9th Apr 18, 4:31 PM
    • #6
    • 9th Apr 18, 4:31 PM
    I would hate to have it on my conscience if I had a brother under those same circumstances and on his death refused to pay for a decent funeral and headstone. Maybe the OP would have no feelings either way if his brother was buried in an unmarked paupers grave.
    Originally posted by Danday
    My parents were cremated and their ashes scattered.

    I don't 'have it on my conscience' that they don't have a grave and a headstone.

    The funeral arranged by the council is a dignified and respectful ceremony. Normally, the cremation would be followed by the ashes being scattered in the memorial gardens. No shame in any of that.

    If a person had wanted nothing to do with his family while he was alive, why would he want them to arrange and be present at his funeral?
    • Ames
    • By Ames 9th Apr 18, 5:07 PM
    • 17,138 Posts
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    Ames
    • #7
    • 9th Apr 18, 5:07 PM
    • #7
    • 9th Apr 18, 5:07 PM
    I'm estranged from my family. If I ended up in a care home (or seriously ill in hospital) the very last thing I'd want would be for them to show up. I wouldn't want them organising my funeral either.

    Just because someone is 'family' it doesn't mean there are any obligations to them. OP, don't feel guilt tripped into anything.
    Unless I say otherwise 'you' means the general you not you specifically.
    • POPPYOSCAR
    • By POPPYOSCAR 9th Apr 18, 5:14 PM
    • 10,936 Posts
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    POPPYOSCAR
    • #8
    • 9th Apr 18, 5:14 PM
    • #8
    • 9th Apr 18, 5:14 PM
    I don't agree. What the OP should be asking is if he SHOULD pay for the funeral irrespective of all of the issues.
    I would hate to have it on my conscience if I had a brother under those same circumstances and on his death refused to pay for a decent funeral and headstone. Maybe the OP would have no feelings either way if his brother was buried in an unmarked paupers grave.
    Originally posted by Danday

    In the same circumstances I would not have it on my conscience.

    It always makes me laugh at funerals when people who do not have a good word to say about the person and never saw them when they were alive suddenly come out of the woodwork.

    What is a 'decent' funeral anyway.
    • Danday
    • By Danday 9th Apr 18, 5:19 PM
    • 346 Posts
    • 59 Thanks
    Danday
    • #9
    • 9th Apr 18, 5:19 PM
    • #9
    • 9th Apr 18, 5:19 PM
    I'm estranged from my family. If I ended up in a care home (or seriously ill in hospital) the very last thing I'd want would be for them to show up. I wouldn't want them organising my funeral either.

    Just because someone is 'family' it doesn't mean there are any obligations to them. OP, don't feel guilt tripped into anything.
    Originally posted by Ames
    Well unfortunately I disagree. Family is family in my book no matter who or what they are they are still family.
    • PasturesNew
    • By PasturesNew 9th Apr 18, 5:21 PM
    • 62,172 Posts
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    PasturesNew
    His financial situation will not be your problem.

    His care fees will never be paid by you.
    His funeral, if you keep your hands off his final affairs and step back when anybody mentions the funeral, will not be paid by you.

    You can even visit him in the care home and be on his paperwork as "next of kin" so they can get in touch if he becomes very ill or dies, all without any fears that his financial commitments will become yours.

    You and he are not connected in any way that makes any of his costs/debts yours.

    Just don't take any responsibility when he dies, let the care home arrange it all. You will get the opportunity to attend the funeral.

    If I were you I'd go and visit him, take him some sweets/whatever ... it's hard to get in touch again, maybe he's been wondering how to do it for ages. If it helps, see it as your "last gift to your parent/s" to ensure he doesn't go alone and lonely, forgotten, unwanted.
    • Danday
    • By Danday 9th Apr 18, 5:21 PM
    • 346 Posts
    • 59 Thanks
    Danday
    In the same circumstances I would not have it on my conscience.

    It always makes me laugh at funerals when people who do not have a good word to say about the person and never saw them when they were alive suddenly come out of the woodwork.

    What is a 'decent' funeral anyway.
    Originally posted by POPPYOSCAR
    One that is respectful and celebrates the fact that the deceased was a human being with a soul. Hence why some funerals are carried out by humanists.
    • McKneff
    • By McKneff 9th Apr 18, 6:18 PM
    • 35,940 Posts
    • 46,292 Thanks
    McKneff
    Quote

    If I were you I'd go and visit him, take him some sweets/whatever ... it's hard to get in touch again, maybe he's been wondering how to do it for ages. If it helps, see it as your "last gift to your parent/s" to ensure he doesn't go alone and lonely, forgotten, unwanted.[/QUOTE]

    Exactly this.
    You brought a lump to my throat there PN
    OP.. COULD YOU MAKE SOME SMALL EFFORT TO BUILD BRIDGES.
    make the most of it, we are only here for the weekend.
    and we will never, ever return.
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