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  • FIRST POST
    • MXW
    • By MXW 8th Apr 18, 1:45 PM
    • 510Posts
    • 228Thanks
    MXW
    Birthday gift
    • #1
    • 8th Apr 18, 1:45 PM
    Birthday gift 8th Apr 18 at 1:45 PM
    Is it ok for your partner/boyfriend to tell you to go and buy yourself something for your birthday and they'll give you the money for it?

    This has just happened to me and I'm a bit upset by it as it's seems a bit impersonal, but I don't know if I'm overreacting.

    Thanks
Page 1
    • queengoth
    • By queengoth 8th Apr 18, 2:12 PM
    • 132 Posts
    • 322 Thanks
    queengoth
    • #2
    • 8th Apr 18, 2:12 PM
    • #2
    • 8th Apr 18, 2:12 PM
    I think it depends on how long you have been together and if he's good at buying gifts you like. He maybe thinks it better that you get something you like and want rather than get it wrong ? If you are bothered then you need to say it to him but then you run the risk of him wasting cash on something that you hate?
    Shady pines ma, shady pines
    • Aylesbury Duck
    • By Aylesbury Duck 8th Apr 18, 2:13 PM
    • 2,325 Posts
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    Aylesbury Duck
    • #3
    • 8th Apr 18, 2:13 PM
    • #3
    • 8th Apr 18, 2:13 PM
    It is impersonal. He sounds very thoughtful and not a little patronising.

    Don't buy anything. If he asks what you've bought, just say you spent the time evaluating your relationship rather than shopping.
    • POPPYOSCAR
    • By POPPYOSCAR 8th Apr 18, 2:19 PM
    • 11,277 Posts
    • 24,277 Thanks
    POPPYOSCAR
    • #4
    • 8th Apr 18, 2:19 PM
    • #4
    • 8th Apr 18, 2:19 PM
    How exactly did this come about?

    Did he ask you what you wanted? Did you say you did not know?

    Has he done this before?
  • archived user
    • #5
    • 8th Apr 18, 2:20 PM
    • #5
    • 8th Apr 18, 2:20 PM
    It isn't really a gift if you've bought it yourself (!) but that said, it's not unusual to give money as a present.
    • martinthebandit
    • By martinthebandit 8th Apr 18, 2:21 PM
    • 3,573 Posts
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    martinthebandit
    • #6
    • 8th Apr 18, 2:21 PM
    • #6
    • 8th Apr 18, 2:21 PM
    It's a sign of immaturity and that he soon needs to be an ex partner/boyfriend until he grows up.
    Politics -
    from the words Poli, meaning many
    and tics meaning blood sucking parasites


    (thanks to Kinky Friedman (or Larry Hardman) for the quote}
    • Torry Quine
    • By Torry Quine 8th Apr 18, 2:21 PM
    • 17,243 Posts
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    Torry Quine
    • #7
    • 8th Apr 18, 2:21 PM
    • #7
    • 8th Apr 18, 2:21 PM
    If my husband had done this I would have been very annoyed with him.
    Lost my soulmate so life is empty.

    I can bear pain myself, he said softly, but I couldna bear yours. That would take more strength than I have -
    Diana Gabaldon, Outlander
    • ElefantEd
    • By ElefantEd 8th Apr 18, 2:25 PM
    • 611 Posts
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    ElefantEd
    • #8
    • 8th Apr 18, 2:25 PM
    • #8
    • 8th Apr 18, 2:25 PM
    If my wife did this I would be jumping for joy for it would mean I could get exactly what I wanted. In fact I quite often pre-empt the process and buy something for myself, then let her know. Sometimes I even wrap it myself. That way it's a surprise for both of us.
    • debsy42
    • By debsy42 8th Apr 18, 2:30 PM
    • 1,634 Posts
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    debsy42
    • #9
    • 8th Apr 18, 2:30 PM
    • #9
    • 8th Apr 18, 2:30 PM
    Sounds perfectly reasonable to me, buy yourself something you want instead of some tat that would just sit in your drawer forever
    ITV Winners Club #87
    • Mojisola
    • By Mojisola 8th Apr 18, 2:34 PM
    • 29,807 Posts
    • 76,394 Thanks
    Mojisola
    Is it ok for your partner/boyfriend to tell you to go and buy yourself something for your birthday and they'll give you the money for it?

    This has just happened to me and I'm a bit upset by it as it's seems a bit impersonal, but I don't know if I'm overreacting.
    Originally posted by MXW
    It doesn't really matter if other people think that it's ok - it's upset you so you need to have a talk about it.

    If he has no idea what you would like as a present, could you give him a list of a few possibles and let him decide on one?

    If it's really important to you that he chooses something with no input from you, be prepared to get some unwanted gifts!
    • MXW
    • By MXW 8th Apr 18, 2:40 PM
    • 510 Posts
    • 228 Thanks
    MXW
    How exactly did this come about?

    Did he ask you what you wanted? Did you say you did not know?

    Has he done this before?
    Originally posted by POPPYOSCAR
    We have been seeing each other a couple of years. He struggles with what to buy me. He comes from a very big family (9 siblings), and they tend not to buy for each other, apart from special birthdays. He has 2 children, and just gives them money ( I can understand this).

    He has bought me gifts in the past, but I think he's run out of ideas. At Christmas he bought me a couple of (very nice smelly things..body shop stuff) to unwrap, and put some money in an envelope for me.

    This time he's just said, I've no idea what to buy you (meaning clothes, shoes etc), and you will need to try them on....so you have and buy something and I'll give you the money.

    I've no intention of buying anything, not to be awkward with him, but because of how it makes me feel.

    I did turn it around on him and say to him that I found it a bit impersonal, and how would be feel if I said to him on his birthday...oh, just go and buy yourself something, and I'll give you the money. He said...oh when you put it like that, I can see where you're coming from!

    I'm not going to sulk, or kick off, or anything like that, but I do feel a bit hurt, and just wondered if I'm overreacting, and what other people's opinions are. Is it just a case of he just couldn't be bothered? I'm not sure!

    In all fairness, he is a great person, and we are very happy. I don't want to make a mountain out of a mole hill...but can't deny it has bothered me.
    • POPPYOSCAR
    • By POPPYOSCAR 8th Apr 18, 2:49 PM
    • 11,277 Posts
    • 24,277 Thanks
    POPPYOSCAR
    We have been seeing each other a couple of years. He struggles with what to buy me. He comes from a very big family (9 siblings), and they tend not to buy for each other, apart from special birthdays. He has 2 children, and just gives them money ( I can understand this).

    He has bought me gifts in the past, but I think he's run out of ideas. At Christmas he bought me a couple of (very nice smelly things..body shop stuff) to unwrap, and put some money in an envelope for me.

    This time he's just said, I've no idea what to buy you (meaning clothes, shoes etc), and you will need to try them on....so you have and buy something and I'll give you the money.

    I've no intention of buying anything, not to be awkward with him, but because of how it makes me feel.

    I did turn it around on him and say to him that I found it a bit impersonal, and how would be feel if I said to him on his birthday...oh, just go and buy yourself something, and I'll give you the money. He said...oh when you put it like that, I can see where you're coming from!

    I'm not going to sulk, or kick off, or anything like that, but I do feel a bit hurt, and just wondered if I'm overreacting, and what other people's opinions are. Is it just a case of he just couldn't be bothered? I'm not sure!

    In all fairness, he is a great person, and we are very happy. I don't want to make a mountain out of a mole hill...but can't deny it has bothered me.
    Originally posted by MXW

    It would not bother me personally.

    My OH never knows what to get me and in the past he has often had to return them.

    Why not suggest you go out together shopping you can choose a few things and he can then go and choose one of them so you still get a surprise.
    • Mojisola
    • By Mojisola 8th Apr 18, 2:49 PM
    • 29,807 Posts
    • 76,394 Thanks
    Mojisola
    We have been seeing each other a couple of years. He struggles with what to buy me. He comes from a very big family (9 siblings), and they tend not to buy for each other, apart from special birthdays. He has 2 children, and just gives them money ( I can understand this).
    Originally posted by MXW
    I think you probably need to accept that this is what he's like.

    If he went out of his way to buy perfect gifts for other people but not you, that would be different.

    Perhaps the two of you could do something on your birthdays rather than have presents - that way you get to talk about it and decide together.

    If a gift is important to you, do as I said before and give him a short list.

    (One of my mother's friends used to give her husband a jeweller's catalogue with several items circled for him to chose from - that way, she got exactly what she wanted!)
    • MXW
    • By MXW 8th Apr 18, 2:51 PM
    • 510 Posts
    • 228 Thanks
    MXW
    I think you probably need to accept that this is what he's like.

    If he went out of his way to buy perfect gifts for other people but not you, that would be different.

    Perhaps the two of you could do something on your birthdays rather than have presents - that way you get to talk about it and decide together.

    If a gift is important to you, do as I said before and give him a short list.

    (One of my mother's friends used to give her husband a jeweller's catalogue with several items circled for him to chose from - that way, she got exactly what she wanted!)
    Originally posted by Mojisola
    Thank you for that.
    • PrettyKittyKat
    • By PrettyKittyKat 8th Apr 18, 3:00 PM
    • 636 Posts
    • 600 Thanks
    PrettyKittyKat
    Sounds like he thought he was doing the right thing.... some e some people would absolutely love to be told to go and buy something they want/would like, this is why lots of people like being given money. I know some people like this who absolutely love having a day of shopping to spend their birthday/christmas money.

    Why not help him? Give him a list of things you would like, or need, they can have an element of surprise still included, for example I would like some pjs in a size whatever - so the design is still a surprise . And list more things than you would expect him to buy (explaining this to him!) so he has to select which ones he would like to buy you. I do this every year for my husband/family mainly as my birthday and christmas fall close together, everyone always asks what I would like, but I like an element of surprise! My husband over the years has learnt what types of things i like and will always buy things from 'the list' but takes a gamble with a gift also. He has done well with this (A beautiful leather jacket I would never had dreamed of buying for myself) but also not done so well (An apple watch which I didn't want!) but we are now at the stage that I could tell him I didn't like the gift and we took it back and got something I did want.

    You are still getting to know each other and what is important to each other, you have communicated it to him now which is the most important thing!
    • MXW
    • By MXW 8th Apr 18, 3:08 PM
    • 510 Posts
    • 228 Thanks
    MXW
    Sounds like he thought he was doing the right thing.... some e some people would absolutely love to be told to go and buy something they want/would like, this is why lots of people like being given money. I know some people like this who absolutely love having a day of shopping to spend their birthday/christmas money.

    Why not help him? Give him a list of things you would like, or need, they can have an element of surprise still included, for example I would like some pjs in a size whatever - so the design is still a surprise . And list more things than you would expect him to buy (explaining this to him!) so he has to select which ones he would like to buy you. I do this every year for my husband/family mainly as my birthday and christmas fall close together, everyone always asks what I would like, but I like an element of surprise! My husband over the years has learnt what types of things i like and will always buy things from 'the list' but takes a gamble with a gift also. He has done well with this (A beautiful leather jacket I would never had dreamed of buying for myself) but also not done so well (An apple watch which I didn't want!) but we are now at the stage that I could tell him I didn't like the gift and we took it back and got something I did want.

    You are still getting to know each other and what is important to each other, you have communicated it to him now which is the most important thing!
    Originally posted by PrettyKittyKat
    Thanks for your reply. Thinking about it, the body shop stuff is what I told him I liked, and he bought it me for Christmas.

    I think the issue I had is not the monetary value of the gift...but the thought behind it, I just thought that he couldn't be bothered.

    After reading the replies I feel much better (I know that probably sounds daft). As they say....it's the little things that matter.
    • PrettyKittyKat
    • By PrettyKittyKat 8th Apr 18, 3:32 PM
    • 636 Posts
    • 600 Thanks
    PrettyKittyKat
    Not daft at all . It is always good to get perspective.

    I also don't put emphasis on the cost of a gift, but rather the sentiment so I totally get where you are coming from! Start giving him a list and explain these are ideas but he can buy outside of it too as you like surprise and you may find he starts to feel more confident in doing this. Also start dropping lots of hints on what you do and don't like (such as the body shop!) hahaha
    • gettingtheresometime
    • By gettingtheresometime 8th Apr 18, 4:46 PM
    • 4,017 Posts
    • 10,176 Thanks
    gettingtheresometime
    Hubby refuses to buy me any jewellery as a surprise on the off chance that I don't like it.

    On one occasion I'd hinted that I'd like a certain piece & we went to buy it. Seeing it in the flesh so to speak made me realise it was actually hideous so very pleased he hadn't bought it as a surprise
    Lloyds OD / Natwest OD / PO CC / Wescott / Argos Card cleared thanks to the 1 debt v 100 day challenge


    Next on the list - JD Williams
    • WibblyGirly
    • By WibblyGirly 8th Apr 18, 5:27 PM
    • 418 Posts
    • 757 Thanks
    WibblyGirly
    Why not suggest a day out shopping together and you pick something? I!!!8217;ve done that before and I liked it as I was able to chose something I knew I!!!8217;d use and would enjoy.
    • unholyangel
    • By unholyangel 8th Apr 18, 6:05 PM
    • 12,807 Posts
    • 10,125 Thanks
    unholyangel
    Everyone is different. Some people would be offended by cash and see it as lacking thought but personally, theres nothing worse than receiving a gift that is not even remotely "you" and it just makes you feel like they don't know you at all and that they just bought something for the sake of buying you something.

    Personally, I'd rather not have any gifts than be given things I'd never use - it feels like such a wasted expenditure. Same with those novelty gifts that seem like a good idea at the time, but are probably used once (if even) before being relegated to the back of a cupboard for the next few months until you have a clear out.

    Back to the issue at hand though, I like the idea of giving him options to choose from. If you liked the bodyshop stuff, what about pointing him in the direction of lush? Perhaps pick out a few other items you'd love and then leave him to his own devices. Steering him in the right direction but still involves him picking something for you.
    Money doesn't solve poverty.....it creates it.
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