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  • FIRST POST
    • DuvetCover
    • By DuvetCover 12th Mar 18, 4:53 PM
    • 2Posts
    • 2Thanks
    DuvetCover
    Abusive wife - requesting crisis advice in London
    • #1
    • 12th Mar 18, 4:53 PM
    Abusive wife - requesting crisis advice in London 12th Mar 18 at 4:53 PM
    Hi,

    I have a friend who has finally admitted that he's in an abusive relationship. In my opinion, his wife has a narcissistic personality disorder, in his she's just 'unstable'. Recently he's become stronger mentally and is at last considering that he could leave her although he has previously said he wouldn't until the children were older (they are both currently under 10). I believe therefore the abuse is slowly but surely escalating.

    Could anyone please recommend a trusted family lawyer with whom my friend could chat? Gain even more confidence. South West London is as close as I'm going to give his location.

    Any other pertinent advice for dealing long term with nice to outsiders/vindictive to husband type people would be appreciated. (Except the 'leave now' type advice. He's not going to do that just yet, maybe ever, and so needs avenues of help and support right now.).

    Thanks in advance for reading this and any advice given.

    DC
Page 1
    • Rubik
    • By Rubik 12th Mar 18, 5:05 PM
    • 77 Posts
    • 180 Thanks
    Rubik
    • #2
    • 12th Mar 18, 5:05 PM
    • #2
    • 12th Mar 18, 5:05 PM
    I'm sorry that your friend is experiencing domestic abuse - my advice would be to focus on getting the appropriate support and help from a domestic violence organisation - Mankind provide free help and support, including a confidential helpline to amle victims of DV - http://www.mankind.org.uk/
    Even though he says he doesn't want to leave, the safety of the children is paramount. He could apply for an emergency occupation order to have his wife removed from the family home, as well as a non-molestation order to prevent her from contacting or visiting him.

    I can recommend an excellent family law solicitor in London - I won't do it here, you can PM me for the details.

    If the children or he are in immediate danger, then to call 999.
    • Pollycat
    • By Pollycat 12th Mar 18, 5:17 PM
    • 20,184 Posts
    • 54,163 Thanks
    Pollycat
    • #3
    • 12th Mar 18, 5:17 PM
    • #3
    • 12th Mar 18, 5:17 PM
    I'm sorry that your friend is experiencing domestic abuse - my advice would be to focus on getting the appropriate support and help from a domestic violence organisation - Mankind provide free help and support, including a confidential helpline to amle victims of DV - http://www.mankind.org.uk/
    Even though he says he doesn't want to leave, the safety of the children is paramount. He could apply for an emergency occupation order to have his wife removed from the family home, as well as a non-molestation order to prevent her from contacting or visiting him.

    I can recommend an excellent family law solicitor in London - I won't do it here, you can PM me for the details.

    If the children or he are in immediate danger, then to call 999.
    Originally posted by Rubik
    I agree with the bit in bold.

    Surely you go to see a solicitor for legal advice rather than a chat...and if he has no intention of leaving his wife, why would he need to see a solicitor?
    • NeilCr
    • By NeilCr 12th Mar 18, 5:22 PM
    • 1,799 Posts
    • 2,429 Thanks
    NeilCr
    • #4
    • 12th Mar 18, 5:22 PM
    • #4
    • 12th Mar 18, 5:22 PM
    I agree with the bit in bold.

    Surely you go to see a solicitor for legal advice rather than a chat...and if he has no intention of leaving his wife, why would he need to see a solicitor?
    Originally posted by Pollycat
    I agree, too.

    It might, also, be worth looking to see if there is a local DV organisation. We have and it's good. And they have access to legal advice.
    Last edited by NeilCr; 12-03-2018 at 5:30 PM.
    • PeacefulWaters
    • By PeacefulWaters 12th Mar 18, 6:30 PM
    • 8,318 Posts
    • 10,656 Thanks
    PeacefulWaters
    • #5
    • 12th Mar 18, 6:30 PM
    • #5
    • 12th Mar 18, 6:30 PM
    There are narcissistic support groups on Facebook.

    Make sure he accesses one that doesn't reveal his membership outside of the group.

    From experience, leaving and minimising / removing all contact is the only way to move on from such a personality. My life improved dramatically when I did. Youngest was 17. In truth, I should have gone years earlier.
    • TBagpuss
    • By TBagpuss 12th Mar 18, 7:22 PM
    • 6,569 Posts
    • 8,531 Thanks
    TBagpuss
    • #6
    • 12th Mar 18, 7:22 PM
    • #6
    • 12th Mar 18, 7:22 PM
    Surely you go to see a solicitor for legal advice rather than a chat...and if he has no intention of leaving his wife, why would he need to see a solicitor?
    Originally posted by Pollycat
    Its not uncommon for people in this sort of situation to want to get initial legal advice, as part of the process of ending the relationship, it can be very helpful.
    • Pollycat
    • By Pollycat 12th Mar 18, 7:45 PM
    • 20,184 Posts
    • 54,163 Thanks
    Pollycat
    • #7
    • 12th Mar 18, 7:45 PM
    • #7
    • 12th Mar 18, 7:45 PM
    Its not uncommon for people in this sort of situation to want to get initial legal advice, as part of the process of ending the relationship, it can be very helpful.
    Originally posted by TBagpuss
    My comments were based on the bold part of the OP's post:
    Hi,

    I have a friend who has finally admitted that he's in an abusive relationship. In my opinion, his wife has a narcissistic personality disorder, in his she's just 'unstable'. Recently he's become stronger mentally and is at last considering that he could leave her although he has previously said he wouldn't until the children were older (they are both currently under 10). I believe therefore the abuse is slowly but surely escalating.

    Could anyone please recommend a trusted family lawyer with whom my friend could chat? Gain even more confidence. South West London is as close as I'm going to give his location.

    Any other pertinent advice for dealing long term with nice to outsiders/vindictive to husband type people would be appreciated. (Except the 'leave now' type advice. He's not going to do that just yet, maybe ever, and so needs avenues of help and support right now.).

    Thanks in advance for reading this and any advice given.

    DC
    Originally posted by DuvetCover
    • chesky
    • By chesky 12th Mar 18, 11:52 PM
    • 998 Posts
    • 1,597 Thanks
    chesky
    • #8
    • 12th Mar 18, 11:52 PM
    • #8
    • 12th Mar 18, 11:52 PM
    If your friend lives anywhere near Hounslow, there's something called the One Stop Shop which runs a drop in advice session on Wednesday mornings for victims of domestic violence of either gender. You can google it for further information.
    • Comms69
    • By Comms69 13th Mar 18, 9:56 AM
    • 2,970 Posts
    • 2,939 Thanks
    Comms69
    • #9
    • 13th Mar 18, 9:56 AM
    • #9
    • 13th Mar 18, 9:56 AM
    Report it to the police, the last thing he wants is for her to get in the first volley
    • Pollycat
    • By Pollycat 13th Mar 18, 10:02 AM
    • 20,184 Posts
    • 54,163 Thanks
    Pollycat
    Report it to the police, the last thing he wants is for her to get in the first volley
    Originally posted by Comms69
    I'm not sure how that fits with the "(Except the 'leave now' type advice. He's not going to do that just yet, maybe ever, and so needs avenues of help and support right now.).".
    But I agree that he should have his young children's welfare as his first priority.
    Even if the abuse is directed solely at him, is it likely that the children will be unaware of it?
    • Comms69
    • By Comms69 13th Mar 18, 10:18 AM
    • 2,970 Posts
    • 2,939 Thanks
    Comms69
    I'm not sure how that fits with the "(Except the 'leave now' type advice. He's not going to do that just yet, maybe ever, and so needs avenues of help and support right now.).".
    But I agree that he should have his young children's welfare as his first priority.
    Even if the abuse is directed solely at him, is it likely that the children will be unaware of it?
    Originally posted by Pollycat


    The OP may mean well, but the friend will find himself accused of all sorts.


    So I'm just ignoring the caveat. It's like saying How do I earn money without working. yes it's possible, but not for long.
    • borkid
    • By borkid 13th Mar 18, 10:20 AM
    • 1,808 Posts
    • 3,650 Thanks
    borkid
    Just to pick up a couple of points mentioned. I as a child, grew up in an abusive household but the husband was the abuser. Very nice outside of the home but inside was a different story, physical, emotional and financial.

    I wished my mum had left but back then there was very little help. It's taken me years to come to terms with it all, wasn't really until he died I felt free. Early in my marriage I still felt a chill down my spine when certain things happened ( like a bill arriving which was always a trigger for the abuse with my dad) even though my OH is the kindest man alive and has never raised his voice at me let alone any violence in 44 years.

    So for the children's sake if not your friend's own he needs to think very seriously as the scars can last a long time and the ability to trust others can be affected from my experience. Are the children boys or girls? Does your friend want them to have their mother as their role model of how a woman behaves to the person she supposedly loves?
    • Out, Vile Jelly
    • By Out, Vile Jelly 13th Mar 18, 10:34 AM
    • 3,989 Posts
    • 13,575 Thanks
    Out, Vile Jelly
    The friend has to choose between staying and hoping the situation improves (bearing in mind the potential effect of such a toxic environment on young children), or leaving and the difficult consequences that follow. There aren't any easy options.

    As a father, he is sadly statistically unlikely to receive custody of the children. It's also still hard for many people to understand that men can be on the receiving end of domestic violence. As a good mate you'll need to be there with him through tough times.

    A good starting point would be: https://www.fathers-4-justice.org/our-campaign/help-advice-support-faqs/

    It might also be an idea for him to keep a diary of violent incidents; a calm, factual and neutral list of incidents and dates.
    They are an EYESORES!!!!
    • Rubik
    • By Rubik 13th Mar 18, 10:48 AM
    • 77 Posts
    • 180 Thanks
    Rubik
    I would urge caution about sending anyone to F4J - chances are involvement with them will cause more harm than good to his situation. PLease encourage your friend to contact Mankind Initiative.
    • buildersdaughter
    • By buildersdaughter 13th Mar 18, 5:44 PM
    • 163 Posts
    • 425 Thanks
    buildersdaughter
    Just to say that fathers4justice are more of a campaigning organisation, and I would not go to them with a personal dilemma.
    Don't let your friend be put off by the fact that most domestic abuse is by males. All organisations in this field are well aware of abuse by women and can help. What he needs to be super aware of is the effect on the children. Sadly domestic abuse between adults in a family is also abuse of children - as his solicitor will tell him.
    If he needs to get advice about the children, I would suggest 2 things:
    All children's social services departments have helplines that accept anonymous calls. He can ring and talk over the situation with a social worker without disclosing any identifying information. This may be helpful in clarifying his position.
    Most school (or children's centres if he is near one) have family workers who are trained in supporting families, including abusive situations. This may be something he can access.
    Also:
    to follow the advice above about documenting incidents
    prepare copies of all documents, passports, birth certificates etc. and keep in a safe place (some people keep them at work)
    if at all possible, also prepare a grab-bag of basic clothes & toiletries for himself and the children
    ensure that there is a bank account, with some money in it that the abusive partner cannot access - if not, keep some cash with the documents.
    • Comms69
    • By Comms69 13th Mar 18, 9:51 PM
    • 2,970 Posts
    • 2,939 Thanks
    Comms69
    Just to say that fathers4justice are more of a campaigning organisation, and I would not go to them with a personal dilemma.
    Don't let your friend be put off by the fact that most domestic abuse is by males. All organisations in this field are well aware of abuse by women and can help. What he needs to be super aware of is the effect on the children. Sadly domestic abuse between adults in a family is also abuse of children - as his solicitor will tell him.
    If he needs to get advice about the children, I would suggest 2 things:
    All children's social services departments have helplines that accept anonymous calls. He can ring and talk over the situation with a social worker without disclosing any identifying information. This may be helpful in clarifying his position.
    Most school (or children's centres if he is near one) have family workers who are trained in supporting families, including abusive situations. This may be something he can access.
    Also:
    to follow the advice above about documenting incidents
    prepare copies of all documents, passports, birth certificates etc. and keep in a safe place (some people keep them at work)
    if at all possible, also prepare a grab-bag of basic clothes & toiletries for himself and the children
    ensure that there is a bank account, with some money in it that the abusive partner cannot access - if not, keep some cash with the documents.
    Originally posted by buildersdaughter
    Just to be clear the claim that men are majority of abusers is widely disparaged. An often agrees figure is around 60:40, but many organisations do claim 50:50 simply due to lack of reporting and false reports.
    • DuvetCover
    • By DuvetCover 18th Mar 18, 10:03 PM
    • 2 Posts
    • 2 Thanks
    DuvetCover
    Thank you to everyone who contributed. Your answers are very much appreciated.

    I will PM the person for the recommendation for a lawyer....as soon as I figure out how to do it....

    Regards

    DC
    • Sambella
    • By Sambella 19th Mar 18, 12:07 AM
    • 382 Posts
    • 392 Thanks
    Sambella
    Some refuges for Male victims of DV actually have places to stay for men AND their children if needed.

    Mankind appear to be very good.
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