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  • FIRST POST
    • xironsongx
    • By xironsongx 11th Mar 18, 1:00 PM
    • 141Posts
    • 375Thanks
    xironsongx
    Getting married - Family issues , needing advice
    • #1
    • 11th Mar 18, 1:00 PM
    Getting married - Family issues , needing advice 11th Mar 18 at 1:00 PM
    Basically I don't want my cousin,her 2 kids or her partner at our wedding. Ever since we were little children she's got me in trouble a few times and have almost tore my family apart (something major happended and my mum said to my dad "are you going to choose your own daughter or your niece" he chose to stick with her) .

    We got on together for a year or so before my uncle (not her dad, my other uncle) pulled a damn right stupid prank on me. He thought it would be clever to hide a huge bladed sharp steak knife in my work bag and placed it in the front pocket . I opened the pocket in front of a cashier as I was paying for my work lunch and luckily she didn't see it but I almost cut myself plus I work with Children so I've had to carry this knife to work .

    A family member also worked in the same place as me and when I confided in her and showed her the knife she was in shock that someone had the mentality to do that and told me I could be in serious trouble if my managers knew about it. She agreed that I was right to get mad or upset.



    I was obviously angry as I could have been noticed and accused of carrying a weapon. I wasn't told it was in my bag. Apparently they forgot to tell me.... They had all evening and all morning .



    There was massive fight between me and my whole family as my family ignored my feelings and couldn't understand why i was mad. I was told by all my family I was being silly and selfish but when I spoke to friends about what happended they said I had every right to be mad.

    So my Cousin who's living in France and have been at the time had a go at me saying i was calling my own family out and got into a massive argument with her . Then her partner threatened my partner saying he'd break my partners legs. My cousin wrote some really nasty stuff about me and my partner and so me partner retaliated - he said some things that were so out of order to her and I was upset and mad at him for saying what he did .

    So I do not want her at the wedding. I don't want there to be any conflict between me and her or my fiance and her partner and I also don't want her to cause any trouble.

    My fiance has asked that I do not invite her because he doesn't want me to get stressed and anxious that anything will happen and spoil my day as well as his.

    Now the thing is , my nan said she will not come if I don't invite my cousin. Which is fine but then I'm faced to deal with if my nan isn't going , my uncle (the one who planted the knife in my bag) and his family won't come . My fiance won't go to any family occasion if he's there but has allowed him to go to the wedding as he knows his daughters (my younger cousins) mean a lot to me and shouldn't be left out because of what happened between their dad and us.

    I'm so scared that things will kick off once I say that my cousin will not be going.

    To make matters worse her mum is moving over to France to live with her and I get on with her a little but I know as well she wouldn't come if my cousin doesn't go.

    It doesn't matter to me , just I know there would be arguments left right and centre about our choices and that it'll be so much stress for us and I'd end up feeling guilty about this whole thing when i shouldn't.



    Am I in the right? Am I being silly or selfish?
    Engaged 01-09-17 Wedding £519.78 (BA) £80.22 (Sp) / £5,600 £5,000 left to save
Page 2
    • Pollycat
    • By Pollycat 11th Mar 18, 5:56 PM
    • 20,037 Posts
    • 53,760 Thanks
    Pollycat
    It's your day and potentially costing you a lot of money; invite who you choose and let them decide.
    My grandad fell out with my cousin just before Christmas. Apparently he's now refusing to come to mine and OH's wedding in October. He hasn't told me this, just told my dad. I think he's waiting for me to say my cousin isn't invited. It's their squabble, they're both invited and if one chooses not to come despite it having nothing to do with me, it's up to them!
    Originally posted by Haylescom
    If it's a sit-down meal that is going to cost you if one or both choose not to attend, I'd be asking who was coming and who wasn't.
    • Slinky
    • By Slinky 11th Mar 18, 6:24 PM
    • 5,196 Posts
    • 24,010 Thanks
    Slinky
    It's your day and potentially costing you a lot of money; invite who you choose and let them decide.
    My grandad fell out with my cousin just before Christmas. Apparently he's now refusing to come to mine and OH's wedding in October. He hasn't told me this, just told my dad. I think he's waiting for me to say my cousin isn't invited. It's their squabble, they're both invited and if one chooses not to come despite it having nothing to do with me, it's up to them!
    Originally posted by Haylescom

    Which is all very well until they both decide to come, have too much to drink and you end up with one of those wedding fights that gets posted on the internet.
    • pollypenny
    • By pollypenny 11th Mar 18, 11:11 PM
    • 23,921 Posts
    • 62,334 Thanks
    pollypenny
    How the heck does someone contemplate planning a wedding for two years!!!!

    There!!!8217;s more to life.
    Member #14 of SKI-ers club

    Words, words, they're all we have to go by!.

    (Pity they are mangled by this autocorrect!)
    • chesky
    • By chesky 11th Mar 18, 11:24 PM
    • 996 Posts
    • 1,595 Thanks
    chesky
    Isn't it nice - and so unexpected - when EVERYBODY agrees in a thread.

    When I got married, there was just me and him, plus his best friend and my mother. And the registrar. His parents didn't come. Didn't miss them. Highly recommended.
    • onlyroz
    • By onlyroz 11th Mar 18, 11:53 PM
    • 13,987 Posts
    • 26,760 Thanks
    onlyroz
    How about having a minimalist wedding (eg just yourselves and both sets of parents) followed by a larger party possibly on a different date, where you invite whoever you want?
    • seven-day-weekend
    • By seven-day-weekend 12th Mar 18, 4:23 AM
    • 30,588 Posts
    • 57,810 Thanks
    seven-day-weekend
    How the heck does someone contemplate planning a wedding for two years!!!!

    There!!!8217;s more to life.
    Originally posted by pollypenny
    Glad it's not just me who doesn't understand this.

    It's one day of your life. An important day,yes, but you don't need to spend a fortune or invite the world and his wife.

    Just get married with two witnesses and tell people afterwards. Then no-one can argue over who was invited and who wasn't.
    • Out, Vile Jelly
    • By Out, Vile Jelly 12th Mar 18, 10:23 AM
    • 3,962 Posts
    • 13,501 Thanks
    Out, Vile Jelly
    If your family can't be trusted to behave like grown-ups, then invite good friends/colleagues instead.

    A friend of mine's husband has a family with a distinctly ne'er-do-well side. She's been to some properly shocking weddings; speeches being heckled, guests released from prison the day before, fights, police being called etc. Do you want your wedding to be the one that random strangers laugh about in offices across the country when the stories get passed on?
    They are an EYESORES!!!!
    • thorsoak
    • By thorsoak 12th Mar 18, 10:31 AM
    • 5,662 Posts
    • 25,925 Thanks
    thorsoak
    Some wedding venues are now looking at the possible wedding guests - and refusing bookings - see https://www.cambridge-news.co.uk/news/local-news/travellers-essex-cancelled-wedding-orsett-14392549
    • Pollycat
    • By Pollycat 12th Mar 18, 10:39 AM
    • 20,037 Posts
    • 53,760 Thanks
    Pollycat
    How the heck does someone contemplate planning a wedding for two years!!!!

    There!!!8217;s more to life.
    Originally posted by pollypenny
    I guess the venue might need booking that far in advance.

    Not my cup of tea (I had 2 small weddings, both in a Register Office and arranged within a few months - our choice) but then again it's not me or you who is getting married.

    If I had the family that the OP says she has, I'd not invite the cousin, her partner, their kids, her Dad, her Nan, the Uncle who pulled the knife stunt and his family and the whole family who told me I was being silly and selfish to the wedding.
    In fact, I'm nor even sure I'd want my own partner there after he retaliated and 'said some things that were so out of order'.

    What a sorry mess it all sounds.
    Last edited by Pollycat; 12-03-2018 at 11:15 AM.
    • Pollycat
    • By Pollycat 12th Mar 18, 10:41 AM
    • 20,037 Posts
    • 53,760 Thanks
    Pollycat
    Some wedding venues are now looking at the possible wedding guests - and refusing bookings - see https://www.cambridge-news.co.uk/news/local-news/travellers-essex-cancelled-wedding-orsett-14392549
    Originally posted by thorsoak
    I've read the article.
    Not a lot of it rings true,
    • thorsoak
    • By thorsoak 12th Mar 18, 10:56 AM
    • 5,662 Posts
    • 25,925 Thanks
    thorsoak
    Believe me - the fact that the venue has cancelled is correct. And the ethnicity of the guests/bride and groom is confirmed in social media and I understand this gave the venue cause for concern.

    Whether the venue's action in cancelling the event for the reasons given is legal is, of course, open to question.
    Last edited by thorsoak; 12-03-2018 at 11:15 AM.
    • onomatopoeia99
    • By onomatopoeia99 12th Mar 18, 11:12 AM
    • 4,184 Posts
    • 9,405 Thanks
    onomatopoeia99
    We've changed our date to next year , I'm trying to get as much sorted before then as we are on a small budget
    Originally posted by xironsongx
    If your budget is small, registry office. They all have a basic room that is very cheap (£50 round my way) for the formal part of the ceremony and only holds half a dozen people.

    That was you can get married with minimum fuss or expense and have a party after for the people you want to invite.
    INTP, nerd, libertarian and scifi geek.
    Home is where my books are.
    • Pollycat
    • By Pollycat 12th Mar 18, 11:15 AM
    • 20,037 Posts
    • 53,760 Thanks
    Pollycat
    Believe me - the fact that the venue has cancelled is correct. And the ethnicity of the guests/bride and groom is confirmed in social media and I understand this gave the venue cause for concern.
    Originally posted by thorsoak
    So why did the venue accept the booking in the first place?
    everyone at Orsett Hall knew that there were travellers coming to the wedding.
    She said: “The manager refused to meet us. A security guard was hired by the owner.
    “We walked to the reception and they directed us to another room. Again, we weren’t told anything but the security guard said he was told that the wedding had been cancelled because we were travellers.
    “They knew that we were travellers and some of Luke’s family have had weddings there so they are well aware.
    So they hired a security guard to tell them the wedding was cancelled?
    Really?

    Wedding insurance?
    Legal action against the venue?
    • AylesburyDuck
    • By AylesburyDuck 12th Mar 18, 11:15 AM
    • 769 Posts
    • 1,801 Thanks
    AylesburyDuck
    They all sound horrendous, without any thought to how you might feel about it, and if they cant behave for 24 hours while you marry what does it say about them?

    I cant understand all the hype around weddings, go and get married at a registry office and then tell them all after the fact. Save your money and your sanity, jobs a good un.
    ,
    Fully paid up member of the ignore button club.
    If it walks like a Duck, quacks like a Duck, it's a Duck.
    • marliepanda
    • By marliepanda 12th Mar 18, 2:26 PM
    • 5,626 Posts
    • 11,826 Thanks
    marliepanda
    Maybe im missing the point, but why are you upset at the prospect of your uncle and his family not coming? He is he one who started the whole mess in the first place, no?
    • enthusiasticsaver
    • By enthusiasticsaver 12th Mar 18, 2:39 PM
    • 6,394 Posts
    • 13,133 Thanks
    enthusiasticsaver
    Planting knives in your bag!!!! What sort of family member would do that? They sound totally crazy. Invite people you want and forget the rest. If family members can't get on without some drama you would be better off having a small ceremony with maybe close friends instead and family members who can get on and realise it is yours and your DPs day. Not sure about your Dad either but no rule to say he has to come either. My DDs best friend got married last year with just my DD and her sister plus her DHs 2 closest friends as her DHs parents were both dead and her parents divorced and didn't get on. Invite who you want.
    Debt free and mortgage free and early retiree. Living the dream

    I'm a Board Guide on the Debt-Free Wannabe, Mortgages and Endowments, Banking and Budgeting boards. I volunteer to help get your forum questions answered and keep the forum running smoothly. Any views are mine and not the official line of moneysavingexpert.com. Pease remember, board guides don't read every post. If you spot an illegal or inappropriate post then please report it to forumteam@moneysavingexpert.com
    • Gilead
    • By Gilead 12th Mar 18, 2:46 PM
    • 65 Posts
    • 128 Thanks
    Gilead
    First of all - you cannot keep everyone happy, and you will taint your big day if you spend time and energy trying to.

    Second and most important - invite who you want to share your day with you.

    Good luck.
    • spirit
    • By spirit 12th Mar 18, 3:17 PM
    • 2,714 Posts
    • 6,205 Thanks
    spirit
    Believe me - the fact that the venue has cancelled is correct. And the ethnicity of the guests/bride and groom is confirmed in social media and I understand this gave the venue cause for concern.

    Whether the venue's action in cancelling the event for the reasons given is legal is, of course, open to question.
    Originally posted by thorsoak


    I'm sure I've seen that happen on Big, Fat Gypsy Weddings# too. The bridal dress lady I think was told it'd been cancelled last minute so had to find an alternative venue.

    #the channel 4 documentary series, not the film.
    Last edited by spirit; 12-03-2018 at 5:11 PM.
    Mortgage free as of 10/02/2015. Every brick and blade of grass belongs to meeeee.
    • Charleyalmostking
    • By Charleyalmostking 9th May 18, 7:13 PM
    • 84 Posts
    • 33 Thanks
    Charleyalmostking
    Update ; we are having registry office wedding.

    I'm hoping family drops out .
    I said 2 years to save but I was a donught and forgot that the funds would be split between me and my fiance.

    At the time of writing this I wasn't in a good place at all , I had so many other problems going on that I didn't feel like i wanted to get married or plan a wedding cos I felt so low and wanted to focus on myself.

    But after everything that's recently happened there's nothing more I want than to be his wife. He's the only one of my 'family' whose been there throughout everything even through my recent 2 depressive episodes. I just want my future properly with him
    1kProject £3.70/£1,000Wedding: £625.00 / £2,500
    • JWM
    • By JWM 9th May 18, 8:18 PM
    • 293 Posts
    • 468 Thanks
    JWM
    Why do you have 2 User Names on here?
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