OH is struggling
Comments
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As a widower when in my 40's i have seen how this scenario is dealt with by the person and the people around them.
Personally, i had no time for anyone that "struggled" dealing with the prognosis (my wife herself and immediate family excluding). I have little tolerance for people that made it about them, who wallowed in self-pity and preferred they stayed away. Positive people who interacted normally was what my wife welcomed and looked forward to. Was great for her own motivation to battle on as long as she could.
I agree - especially about the "acting normally". And re wallowing.
But I do know how knocked back I was with my friend. I have no family so friends become even more important. I don't think it is unreasonable that it might take a little while to get your head round it. But, beyond that I am completely with you. It's not about them.0 -
PeacefulWaters wrote: »The wisest of words.
More pragmatic acceptance of a grim reality.
I quit work when offered redundancy. Travelled until they stopped me flying. Caught up with long lost friends and made a point of becoming a lad who lunches most days.
Most people diagnosed with stage four lung cancer at the same time are now dead. I'll hang on happy as long as I can but the odds of a long survival are massively against me. Making the most of what I've got are what it's all about now.
For what it's worth, I've never smoked.
Thank you for the wisest words; it's just the way I see it. When he told us, it was so strange; it was like watching a piece of film with the wrong voice over.
Your approach to the situation is amazing, and I do think that can help. It sounds as though you've beaten the odds so far; long may you continue to do so.0 -
I have been where your husband is and I had to get over it. It wasn't about me, it was and still is about her. My best friend is terminal and I had real difficulty coming to terms with it in private, for her I was there and hopefully said the right things, but when I was alone it was very different.
It has changed my life, now, I don't get irritated by very much and if I do it quickly falls into perspective when I think about her. I also feel that we are very lucky to have no issues like that ourselves. I do, however, feel as if the hand of fate is hovering and understand much more how precious life and love is. All her close friends have been similarly affected.
She is much closer to the end now and enduring yet more debilitating chemo to buy a short amount of time. I have no idea how I will cope when the inevitable happens, but I will cope.
Your husband just needs time and space at home to process the information. Deliberately staying away from his friend is a coping mechanism to prevent him breaking down and feeling he has somehow made the situation worse.
It can't go on indefinitely, and he will know that, so if it hasn't improved in a few days perhaps a chat about what has been said by others on here might show him that his reaction is normal, but one which has to be overcome.0 -
As a widower when in my 40's i have seen how this scenario is dealt with by the person and the people around them.
Personally, i had no time for anyone that "struggled" dealing with the prognosis (my wife herself and immediate family excluding). I have little tolerance for people that made it about them, who wallowed in self-pity and preferred they stayed away. Positive people who interacted normally was what my wife welcomed and looked forward to. Was great for her own motivation to battle on as long as she could.
Thank you for this post; it's made me feel defensive of my OH, and helped me to think about it in a different way.0 -
That adds to the shock. It did with my friend.
I think a lot of us are better at helping others than dealing with problems that impact directly on ourselves. I certainly am. I do quite a lot of advising and I can say things (the right things) that I know I'd have difficulty with if the roles were reversed.
You sound a great couple. I am lucky - my OH is sorted and down to earth - before her the same was/is true of my best friend and they've encouraged me to open up and talk about it. Perhaps, when the first shock is over for your husband the same may work with you two. There will come a time when he will want to start discussing it with someone
Genuinely. The best of luck with this.
It certainly does add to the shock, I'll agree 100% there.
I'm lucky, and it's usually my OH who is grounded and has the 'we'll get this sorted' attitude. I think that's part of the reason why I'm struggling now; I'm trying to do the same for him and it's not working.I agree - especially about the "acting normally". And re wallowing.
But I do know how knocked back I was with my friend. I have no family so friends become even more important. I don't think it is unreasonable that it might take a little while to get your head round it. But, beyond that I am completely with you. It's not about them.
My OH is closer to George than he is most of his family; they have been best friends for nearly 50 years and that friendship has never changed. I don't think my OH is wallowing, or making it about him, but I do think he's struggling to accept the potential reality. It's only been a few days, so I need to cut him slack: he's never let me down, and I don't think he will now.0 -
happyandcontented wrote: »I have been where your husband is and I had to get over it. It wasn't about me, it was and still is about her. My best friend is terminal and I had real difficulty coming to terms with it in private, for her I was there and hopefully said the right things, but when I was alone it was very different.
It has changed my life, now, I don't get irritated by very much and if I do it quickly falls into perspective when I think about her. I also feel that we are very lucky to have no issues like that ourselves. I do, however, feel as if the hand of fate is hovering and understand much more how precious life and love is. All her close friends have been similarly affected.
She is much closer to the end now and enduring yet more debilitating chemo to buy a short amount of time. I have no idea how I will cope when the inevitable happens, but I will cope.
Your husband just needs time and space at home to process the information. Deliberately staying away from his friend is a coping mechanism to prevent him breaking down and feeling he has somehow made the situation worse.
It can't go on indefinitely, and he will know that, so if it hasn't improved in a few days perhaps a chat about what has been said by others on here might show him that his reaction is normal, but one which has to be overcome.
As always, the posts on here really do help me to clarify my thoughts. I think you are spot on with the part I have quoted in bold; this makes sense to me. My OH would hate to break down and he would definitely feel that he was making things worse; ironically, that's exactly how I feel too.0 -
My OH is closer to George than he is most of his family; they have been best friends for nearly 50 years and that friendship has never changed. I don't think my OH is wallowing, or making it about him, but I do think he's struggling to accept the potential reality. It's only been a few days, so I need to cut him slack: he's never let me down, and I don't think he will now.
Please don't think I think your OH is wallowing. He's not.
But I do know exactly what Svain means. I am not going into details but I am still a bit p****d with how one particular friend acted when they heard about my mate's illness0 -
happyandcontented wrote: »It has changed my life, now, I don't get irritated by very much and if I do it quickly falls into perspective when I think about her. I also feel that we are very lucky to have no issues like that ourselves. I do, however, feel as if the hand of fate is hovering and understand much more how precious life and love is. All her close friends have been similarly affected.
"Perspective" - This is possibly the strongest, lasting emotion i was left with. It changed me also0 -
By the way, if George is expected to survive at least a year and is over 50 he could rake in a few incentives (topcashback, nectar, gift cards) from taking out over 50 life assurance plans and set them up in trust to ensure quick payouts when the end comes.
The nailed on certainty of return amused me after my 50th last month. If I'm going to die I'll beat the system!
Money back if he misses the year.0 -
In your position, I think I would tackle it head on.
I would tell him I understood that it must be very difficult after what he's gone through to be facing it again with George, but that he seemed to be avoiding him, and this would soon be obvious to George.
I would be clear that i did not feel it was an option to continue to sidestep the situation, and that he must either gather his strength to either be there for his friend, or be honest with George that he couldn't do so.
If he refused either, I'd be inclined to explain to George myself.
As difficult as this would be, it's far preferable to ignoring the man when he calls, leaving him confused and hurt at a time when he has enough to deal with.
If you feel your OH is at breaking point, it may be useful for him to consider bereavement counselling.
Put your hands up.0
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