Your browser isn't supported
It looks like you're using an old web browser. To get the most out of the site and to ensure guides display correctly, we suggest upgrading your browser now. Download the latest:

Welcome to the MSE Forums

We're home to a fantastic community of MoneySavers but anyone can post. Please exercise caution & report spam, illegal, offensive or libellous posts/messages: click "report" or email forumteam@.

Search
  • FIRST POST
    • pushing40
    • By pushing40 5th Mar 18, 1:56 PM
    • 35Posts
    • 62Thanks
    pushing40
    Suspected affair - Tracking a mobile phone
    • #1
    • 5th Mar 18, 1:56 PM
    Suspected affair - Tracking a mobile phone 5th Mar 18 at 1:56 PM
    Hello. I need some advice/information.

    I suspect my husband might be having an affair. Occasionally, he will go somewhere for the evening and tells me he's going out with a friend, but I suspect he's not.

    Is it possible to track his whereabouts based on his phone? He has an iphone. I did a quick google search and there are several companies that claim they can tell you the location of any mobile phone - for a fee. If I pay the fee, will I be able to see the location of his phone?

    I know there are various apps that enable this, but I believe (tell me if I'm wrong) that it would require him to install the app on his phone and authorise me to view his location.

    If he has "location" turned off on his phone (which I suspect he does have turned off) would these websites work, or are they a money making scam?
Page 8
    • NeilCr
    • By NeilCr 8th Mar 18, 2:30 PM
    • 1,708 Posts
    • 2,283 Thanks
    NeilCr
    Well I agree with you that in the OPs case, her relationship is not going anywhere.

    However, whereas 74jax did what was right for her and great, it entirely depends on the other person As I said, if I had asked Mr Bugs, the answer would have been no, even though he was having an affair. From thinking to finding out, was three weeks. If I hadn't snooped, or if I'd asked and accepted the negative, then I'd have spent months in increasing unhappiness, feeling something was wrong but unable to find out. What would have been the point of that?

    Every situation is different and it's very difficult to put years of personal knowledge and nuance into a short post!
    Originally posted by bugslet
    Quite agree. We all have different scenarios and life experiences. Me and her have had our fair share of relationships over the years. Quite a few not that great. And, there is no right or wrong way depending on the situation.

    But I think my bottom line is that, in general, it's best to try and talk about a problem first. I am with you that there is unlikely to be owning up but at least expressing your feelings and concerns gives the other chance to explain (as in 74jax's case). If, after that, still suspicions exist go to the next phase - snooping - if that is it.

    Last edited by NeilCr; 08-03-2018 at 2:42 PM.
    • NeilCr
    • By NeilCr 8th Mar 18, 2:40 PM
    • 1,708 Posts
    • 2,283 Thanks
    NeilCr
    + 2.


    It is nave and a tad 'superior' to think there is no way something like that could possibly happen in your perfect little life
    Originally posted by ska lover
    Of course!



    Me and her are both well over 60 and have been round the block a few times. We aren't naive - and we certainly don't have a perfect life. Wish we did.

    But, if there is a problem we discuss it - face to face. The things that FBaby listed -overnight stays, men's pants, flowers etc wouldn't happen because they are clearly indicative of major relationship issues which we'd have raised. That might sort the relationship out - or it might end it - but there wouldn't be any going behind anyone's back.

    As I said earlier maybe it's an age thing - maybe it's because we have had past relationship problems - maybe we've settled - maybe we don't have the energy for it all and the drama - maybe we've met the right person later in life. But, yes, we trust each other and are honest.

    Perhaps, it's a tad superior to believe that, actually, couples can't have that sort of relationship.
    Last edited by NeilCr; 08-03-2018 at 2:44 PM.
    • ska lover
    • By ska lover 8th Mar 18, 3:04 PM
    • 2,722 Posts
    • 6,634 Thanks
    ska lover
    Of course!



    Me and her are both well over 60 and have been round the block a few times. We aren't naive - and we certainly don't have a perfect life. Wish we did.

    But, if there is a problem we discuss it - face to face. The things that FBaby listed -overnight stays, men's pants, flowers etc wouldn't happen because they are clearly indicative of major relationship issues which we'd have raised. That might sort the relationship out - or it might end it - but there wouldn't be any going behind anyone's back.

    As I said earlier maybe it's an age thing - maybe it's because we have had past relationship problems - maybe we've settled - maybe we don't have the energy for it all and the drama - maybe we've met the right person later in life. But, yes, we trust each other and are honest.

    Perhaps, it's a tad superior to believe that, actually, couples can't have that sort of relationship.
    Originally posted by NeilCr


    I could be wrong but I would hazard a guess that most people who are having affairs aren't well over 60 or are looking for multiple bedroom partners?
    The opposite of what you know...is also true
    • NeilCr
    • By NeilCr 8th Mar 18, 3:15 PM
    • 1,708 Posts
    • 2,283 Thanks
    NeilCr
    I could be wrong but I would hazard a guess that most people who are having affairs aren't well over 60 or are looking for multiple bedroom partners?
    Originally posted by ska lover
    But, you'd all decided that I was living in "la la land" without knowing all the facts. Very typical of this forum, quite frankly. .

    And I think you'd be surprised.

    Relationships can often start to run into problems later on. Kids have gone - they jogged along when one or both were at work and when retirement comes the full horror strikes. I've got a few friends and acquaintances in my age group where something is going on or there are separations and problems. Usually where one is happy to vegetate a bit at home while the other is still up for getting out and about and living life to the full

    Not sure where multiple bedroom partners comes into the picture if I'm honest.
    Last edited by NeilCr; 08-03-2018 at 3:40 PM.
    • hazyjo
    • By hazyjo 8th Mar 18, 3:20 PM
    • 10,504 Posts
    • 13,668 Thanks
    hazyjo
    I remember my (slightly smug) best friend (after my husband had left me) saying how they talk about everything and if her hubby was tempted if would tell her. He once did and they dealt with it like adults. I think he kissed someone at work. She was so proud of how they told each other everything and it would never ever in a million years reach cheating stage...

    Until she found out he was sleeping with one of her best mates. The four of them would spend weekends together and stay over. Both families had young kids at the time. It seems they'd become more than just friends! She was absolutely totally floored. She trusted him 100%.
    2018 wins: Single Malt Whisky; theatre tickets; festival tickets; year of gin(!); shoes
    • NeilCr
    • By NeilCr 8th Mar 18, 3:25 PM
    • 1,708 Posts
    • 2,283 Thanks
    NeilCr
    I remember my (slightly smug) best friend (after my husband had left me) saying how they talk about everything and if her hubby was tempted if would tell her. He once did and they dealt with it like adults. I think he kissed someone at work. She was so proud of how they told each other everything and it would never ever in a million years reach cheating stage...

    Until she found out he was sleeping with one of her best mates. The four of them would spend weekends together and stay over. Both families had young kids at the time. It seems they'd become more than just friends! She was absolutely totally floored. She trusted him 100%.
    Originally posted by hazyjo
    Of course it happens. Be dumb to say otherwise.

    And, as motorguy said earlier, it can be even more devastating for the wronged partner in this kind of situation.
    • Gloomendoom
    • By Gloomendoom 8th Mar 18, 3:46 PM
    • 13,917 Posts
    • 18,294 Thanks
    Gloomendoom
    Until she found out he was sleeping with one of her best mates. The four of them would spend weekends together and stay over.
    Originally posted by hazyjo
    Did they have pampas grass in the front garden?
    Never argue with stupid people, they will drag you down to their level and then beat you with experience. - Mark Twain
    • ska lover
    • By ska lover 8th Mar 18, 3:48 PM
    • 2,722 Posts
    • 6,634 Thanks
    ska lover
    But, you'd all decided that I was living in "la la land" without knowing all the facts. Very typical of this forum, quite frankly. .

    And I think you'd be surprised.

    Relationships can often start to run into problems later on. Kids have gone - they jogged along when one or both were at work and when retirement comes the full horror strikes. I've got a few friends and acquaintances in my age group where something is going on or there are separations and problems. Usually where one is happy to vegetate a bit at home while the other is still up for getting out and about and living life to the full

    Not sure where multiple bedroom partners comes into the picture if I'm honest.
    Originally posted by NeilCr


    Typical of forum members to put words in the mouths of others, too...


    No one has accused you of living in la la land or even implied it


    Cool story.
    The opposite of what you know...is also true
    • NeilCr
    • By NeilCr 8th Mar 18, 4:11 PM
    • 1,708 Posts
    • 2,283 Thanks
    NeilCr


    Cool story.
    Originally posted by ska lover
    Thanks. I've got a few of them about people in my age group. Surprising and eye opening. A 62 year old having an affair with her brother in law for example. The police got involved in that one when it kicked off!

    I think, also, when you get older - kids gone - mortgage paid etc you can take stock of your life and think, maybe, you have one more chance to change it. It's a bit easier.

    And, seriously, speaking from experience of meeting someone later in life, you are a bit less inclined to bend. You have your way and how you see the future and you want someone who is on that wavelength. I, really, didn't expect to meet anyone and wasn't looking but we met by sitting next to each other at a Xmas meal and just clicked. And we did, instigated by her, have a talk about what we wanted before we started going out and any hard limits. Like not getting married and not living together. I should add that we have been together for ten years now so we aren't just talking about mid 60s and relationships.

    Maybe that is all part of why we have that truth and honesty thing going on?

    I, honestly, don't think my way is the only (or right) way. As bugslet has said it is going to be be different for different couples. But I do believe jaw jaw is better than war war - at least as a start when there is a problem (or perceived problem) rearing it's ugly head. And that's based on my (and her) experience and general observation of other relationships over the years.

    Again, doesn't work 100% as hazyjo pointed out.
    Last edited by NeilCr; 08-03-2018 at 5:20 PM.
    • hazyjo
    • By hazyjo 8th Mar 18, 11:40 PM
    • 10,504 Posts
    • 13,668 Thanks
    hazyjo
    Did they have pampas grass in the front garden?
    Originally posted by Gloomendoom
    Haha they weren't all at it, as well you know mister (or Ms! I always get everyone wrong lol)
    2018 wins: Single Malt Whisky; theatre tickets; festival tickets; year of gin(!); shoes
    • FBaby
    • By FBaby 9th Mar 18, 7:11 AM
    • 16,679 Posts
    • 41,265 Thanks
    FBaby
    *But I think my bottom line is that, in general, it's best to try and talk about a problem first*
    Of course it is, and most will try this. It is usually when indeed communication is severed, usually because it becomes a case of two people wanting to be heard so badly they lose the will/ability to listen that things go wrong.

    You say that you are happy and settled, but someone in my family had an affair at 70 and it took everyone by surprised because in their case, they'd been married happily for 45 years and he was so in love with his wife and attentive all these years. However, when she started to suffer from signs of dementia, he couldn't cope. He became scared, and then very lonely. He felt he couldn't discuss his feelings because that was a selfish thing to do when his wife was so distressed. A friend of theirs had just lost her husband to cancer and being able to talk to each other about their grief drew them together.

    I think the affair was more emotional than physical, started as a genuine friendship, but turned into more than that when they realised they needed each other. He did stay with his wife until they end, but he and the other woman moved in together afterwards. He is now 82!

    It does happen even in older age!
    • NeilCr
    • By NeilCr 9th Mar 18, 8:46 AM
    • 1,708 Posts
    • 2,283 Thanks
    NeilCr
    *But I think my bottom line is that, in general, it's best to try and talk about a problem first*
    Of course it is, and most will try this. It is usually when indeed communication is severed, usually because it becomes a case of two people wanting to be heard so badly they lose the will/ability to listen that things go wrong.

    You say that you are happy and settled, but someone in my family had an affair at 70 and it took everyone by surprised because in their case, they'd been married happily for 45 years and he was so in love with his wife and attentive all these years. However, when she started to suffer from signs of dementia, he couldn't cope. He became scared, and then very lonely. He felt he couldn't discuss his feelings because that was a selfish thing to do when his wife was so distressed. A friend of theirs had just lost her husband to cancer and being able to talk to each other about their grief drew them together.

    I think the affair was more emotional than physical, started as a genuine friendship, but turned into more than that when they realised they needed each other. He did stay with his wife until they end, but he and the other woman moved in together afterwards. He is now 82!

    It does happen even in older age!
    Originally posted by FBaby
    Aah. That's sad.

    I know someone whose wife became very ill and he was the full time carer. He had a female friend who he saw once a month. He felt so guilty leaving his wife for that one day but it was his lifeline. He couldn't bring himself to tell his wife (quite rightly IMHO) in case it damaged her health even more. And that was platonic.

    Of course it happens in later life which was what I was saying to Ska-lover. In fact, rather more than some on here might believe.
    • JayJay100
    • By JayJay100 9th Mar 18, 10:09 AM
    • 219 Posts
    • 443 Thanks
    JayJay100
    Oh, this could have been written by a good friend of mine. Her ex did have an affair, and she's never really dealt with that. She remarried and all was well, until she had a baby. For the last five years, she's been convinced that her new husband is having an affair, and spent thousands on private detectives, tracking equipment and even a lie detector. Nothing has been found. It is heart-breaking as she genuinely believes that she's right, and constantly refers to gut feelings. The reality is that the only thing she will accept is that he is having an affair, and she's in the endless cycle of just needing the proof, even though there isn't any.

    For my own experience, my ex was having an affair, and I didn't have a clue. Even now, twenty-odd years later, he's still denying it, which is slightly ironic, as the woman he had the affair with and he left me for, has told me every detail.
    • jayII
    • By jayII 9th Mar 18, 10:45 AM
    • 38,158 Posts
    • 107,075 Thanks
    jayII
    No. Never.

    It's because I know her and us. It's just not going to happen. Maybe because we are older - but, much more likely, it's because we are happy, settled and content with each other and our relationship. And we trust each other and are open and honest. If there was a problem we'd discuss it - not follow the other person or get ourselves in a state worrying about something that may or may not have happened.

    Personally, I am much happier going through life with that outlook than the "what if" "doubt in the back of the mind" attitude that seems to pervade here. That just eats away at you.

    And, yep, I know couples where the unthinkable happens as you have mentioned. But I also have friends who have been together for ages, trusted each other and have lived happily ever after. Contrary to some opinion.

    To add. This is on her. As I've said there were communication issues in my previous relationship. She had to work on me when we first met to articulate how I felt, if there was a problem etc. And to stop me saying sorry all the time!
    Originally posted by NeilCr
    That's a brave approach to take! Mine is slightly different approach--I agree that it's healthy to avoid having "what if's" niggling at the back of your mind.

    I've dealt with the issue by (long ago) mentally planning how I'd cope financially and practically if my OH left me (or if I left him because he'd had an affair). I am confident that I can support myself financially and can provide a roof for any of our young adult children who need/want it, should my marriage end. I don't think he will ever be unfaithful, but I also don't feel the need to worry about it, because I know I'd be okay.

    Before anyone says "what about illness?", I currently have a life-threatening illness, but I have enough security in place to know that I'd still be okay if my marriage collapsed.

    I don't care about "being made a fool of" because I believe people should be judged by their own behaviour, not their partner's and that cheaters are not worth anyone's time, effort or consideration. Growing up in a toxic household caused by one parent's repeated infidelity and later having my heart broken by a cheating partner has led to me having zero tolerance for people who don't end one relationship before starting another.

    I couldn't manage your attitude but my way works for me.
    Fighting the biggest battle of my life. Started 30th January 2018.
    • NeilCr
    • By NeilCr 9th Mar 18, 11:18 AM
    • 1,708 Posts
    • 2,283 Thanks
    NeilCr
    That's a brave approach to take! Mine is slightly different approach--I agree that it's healthy to avoid having "what if's" niggling at the back of your mind.

    I've dealt with the issue by (long ago) mentally planning how I'd cope financially and practically if my OH left me (or if I left him because he'd had an affair). I am confident that I can support myself financially and can provide a roof for any of our young adult children who need/want it, should my marriage end. I don't think he will ever be unfaithful, but I also don't feel the need to worry about it, because I know I'd be okay.

    Before anyone says "what about illness?", I currently have a life-threatening illness, but I have enough security in place to know that I'd still be okay if my marriage collapsed.

    I don't care about "being made a fool of" because I believe people should be judged by their own behaviour, not their partner's and that cheaters are not worth anyone's time, effort or consideration. Growing up in a toxic household caused by one parent's repeated infidelity and later having my heart broken by a cheating partner has led to me having zero tolerance for people who don't end one relationship before starting another.

    I couldn't manage your attitude but my way works for me.
    Originally posted by jayII
    Whatever works for you is good.

    I am not sure it's particularly brave but, certainly, avoiding the doubts that a lot of people seem to have (God knows how JayJay100s friend and her husband cope) is much healthier for me.

    As you suggest our attitudes can be informed by our experiences. In our case my OH has had two "cheaters" (one financial, one affairs) before me and that has formed how she approached our relationship. She was very, very clear about how she saw it working and what she wouldn't tolerate. To be honest, her directness took me back rather a lot as it hadn't happened to me before. But, it was a good thing as there was a lot of clarity before we started going out.

    It's quite funny now. I say things that I think are natural and she keeps saying "you are really not like other men, are you?.
    • globetraveller
    • By globetraveller 9th Mar 18, 2:22 PM
    • 2,085 Posts
    • 11,904 Thanks
    globetraveller
    What I keep coming back to is - what if there is no affair?


    Suddenly those 'all bets are off' justifications don't exist.


    It's perfectly possible for him to be an innocent party in all this. If someone was following me, recording my conversations, checking my phone, etc. I would feel pretty bad. It would certainly be the end of the relationship for me.
    Originally posted by Comms69
    When he has told his wife that he doesn't love her anymore he isn't exactly an innocent party.
    weight loss target 23lbs/49lb
    • Comms69
    • By Comms69 9th Mar 18, 2:28 PM
    • 2,970 Posts
    • 2,938 Thanks
    Comms69
    When he has told his wife that he doesn't love her anymore he isn't exactly an innocent party.
    Originally posted by globetraveller
    Why not??!!


    Think that's a horrible thing to say. At least he's being honest! Why should he stay silent in a loveless relationship??!!


    God forbid that you fall out of love with someone - who on the face of it is quite controlling too!
    • Pollycat
    • By Pollycat 9th Mar 18, 2:38 PM
    • 19,999 Posts
    • 53,657 Thanks
    Pollycat
    Why not??!!


    Think that's a horrible thing to say. At least he's being honest! Why should he stay silent in a loveless relationship??!!


    God forbid that you fall out of love with someone - who on the face of it is quite controlling too!
    Originally posted by Comms69
    I agree 100%.

    Just because someone no longer loves his wife/her husband doesn't make them 'not exactly an innocent party'.

    What exactly is he guilty of?
    From the other thread, he doesn't really sound like he's acted like a prince (massive understatement there) but there is no evidence - or at least no evidence that the OP has shared - that he is having an affair.

    And I'm glad the topic has come back round to the OP.
    Will she be back, I wonder?
    • NBLondon
    • By NBLondon 19th Apr 18, 9:33 AM
    • 1,759 Posts
    • 9,319 Thanks
    NBLondon
    sunshinegirl100 has a thread about cheating and so might be offering expert advice there
    Womble #7 - Running Total 9.68 $1.99 3.35 S//0.10 (that's supposed to be 10 Ukrainian kopiyki but the site is refusing to display the symbol) Bds$0.10 A$0.05 C$0.88 S$0.20 zl0.02 (Polish grosze) LB0.22 (Bulgarian stotinka) ISKr 5 DKr 0.50 CHF 0.50
    • Pollycat
    • By Pollycat 19th Apr 18, 9:53 AM
    • 19,999 Posts
    • 53,657 Thanks
    Pollycat
    sunshinegirl100 has a thread about cheating and so might be offering expert advice there
    Originally posted by NBLondon
    I believe it's 'had' a thread.
    I think it's been deleted.
    Some posters were accusing others of having AEs, some others were accusing posters of being bullies.
Welcome to our new Forum!

Our aim is to save you money quickly and easily. We hope you like it!

Forum Team Contact us

Live Stats

2,002Posts Today

7,264Users online

Martin's Twitter
  • It's the start of mini MSE's half term. In order to be the best daddy possible, Im stopping work and going off line? https://t.co/kwjvtd75YU

  • RT @shellsince1982: @MartinSLewis thanx to your email I have just saved myself £222 by taking a SIM only deal for £7.50 a month and keeping?

  • Today's Friday twitter poll: An important question, building on yesterday's important discussions: Which is the best bit of the pizza...

  • Follow Martin