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    • pushing40
    • By pushing40 5th Mar 18, 1:56 PM
    • 35Posts
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    pushing40
    Suspected affair - Tracking a mobile phone
    • #1
    • 5th Mar 18, 1:56 PM
    Suspected affair - Tracking a mobile phone 5th Mar 18 at 1:56 PM
    Hello. I need some advice/information.

    I suspect my husband might be having an affair. Occasionally, he will go somewhere for the evening and tells me he's going out with a friend, but I suspect he's not.

    Is it possible to track his whereabouts based on his phone? He has an iphone. I did a quick google search and there are several companies that claim they can tell you the location of any mobile phone - for a fee. If I pay the fee, will I be able to see the location of his phone?

    I know there are various apps that enable this, but I believe (tell me if I'm wrong) that it would require him to install the app on his phone and authorise me to view his location.

    If he has "location" turned off on his phone (which I suspect he does have turned off) would these websites work, or are they a money making scam?
Page 7
    • Comms69
    • By Comms69 7th Mar 18, 12:41 PM
    • 2,970 Posts
    • 2,938 Thanks
    Comms69
    But isn't the relationship already doomed? The OP suspects an affair therefore the trust has already gone? Would him denying any affair be enough to allay her fears (much like following/stalking him)?
    Originally posted by shiny76
    I agree. Long dead. But the OP clings on.

    At this stage I suspect the OP is simply looking for vindication.
    • qwert yuiop
    • By qwert yuiop 7th Mar 18, 12:46 PM
    • 2,263 Posts
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    qwert yuiop
    One of my best friend's friends was completely convinced that my friend was having an affair with her husband.
    Originally posted by NeilCr
    Im afraid Im not sure who or which was doing what with whom here.
    What means that trump? Timon of Athens by William Shakespeare
    • NeilCr
    • By NeilCr 7th Mar 18, 12:50 PM
    • 1,705 Posts
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    NeilCr
    Im afraid Im not sure who or which was doing what with whom here.
    Originally posted by qwert yuiop
    Aah sorry!

    My best friend is female. One of her friends believed that my friend was having it off with her husband.

    Bit of a friend overdose.

    • NineDeuce
    • By NineDeuce 7th Mar 18, 12:51 PM
    • 824 Posts
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    NineDeuce
    Is this woman for real?
    • 74jax
    • By 74jax 7th Mar 18, 1:53 PM
    • 4,672 Posts
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    74jax
    I haven't read all the replies so apologies OP, however I was in a similar position in the middle of last year.

    I couldn't quite put my finger on it, but something didn't 'sit right' with me. It was just hubby's behaviour, very out of character, and it totally unnerved me, spending more and more time with a female; and whereas at the start I was ok, as time went on I was decidedly not. Nothing can be worse than what is going through your mind now anyway, so you might as well face it head on.

    The way I dealt with it was once I'd composed myself and was calm; discussed it with him, looking back I can't even remember how it happened/where we were. I had planned my conversation so I explained how his behaviour was making me feel, how I appreciated his friends etc this was uncomfortable for me. And he was gobsmacked. Completely. Gave me his phone, told me to go through it, gave me access to all his facebook messages, email, you name it I could look at what I wanted. To be honest I did look too, I actually WANTED to find something, I search everything, even on messages deleted.

    Don't get me wrong, just because I didn't find something overnight I wasn't back to myself; by a long way. It took months.

    Now this was me, calm laid back 74jax - check my posting history, I'm laid back, calm, never get stressed, nothing really bothers me and something just clicked in me. Hubby went out of his way to reassure me, above and beyond. Explained everything I had issues with, showed me who he was with and when etc.

    I can honestly say it's never happened again, if anything I now get a blow by blow account of who he is out with and where and when roughly he'll be back.

    He didn't shout at me, didn't think I was 'silly' because I had actual reasons as to why I felt this way and he could see where I was coming from.

    I honestly would make a list of why you feel this way, gather your thoughts and discuss it with him. LISTEN to his reply, and ask questions. Snooping etc I think could drive you mad, as you will be looking and looking and inventing things to look for.


    EDITED as my computer decided to change all my ' to !!!!!!! and you couldn't read it, sorry.
    Last edited by 74jax; 07-03-2018 at 1:59 PM.
    Forty and fabulous, well that's what my cards say....
    • FBaby
    • By FBaby 7th Mar 18, 5:38 PM
    • 16,678 Posts
    • 41,264 Thanks
    FBaby
    *Trust however is a conscious effort to ignore the doubt and well, just trust.*
    Kind of agree with you about trust vs doubt, but not with the above quote. Trust in a relationship is not just about infidelity, it's about finances, activities, health etc... If I'd ignored the doubts I had about my ex spending money because I decided when I committed to him that I would trust him regardless of my doubts, I would be in serious financial trouble now.

    If she found out I'd followed her somewhere because I suspected something may be up she'd cut my b***s off. And then ask me why I hadn't simply asked her where she was going/what she was doing.
    Well if you ask her, that means you have doubts, otherwise why ask at all? The only difference is whether you do it upfront or by arming yourself. You would be reassured by what your wife tells you, I would be reassured by what I see.

    If the OP doesn!!!8217;t find an affair, will she stop or just think she was unlucky this time, but next time, or time after, etc.
    Can't speak for OP, but in my case, absolutely. The moment I had confirmation that I hadn't been lied at a time when something didn't seem right, then that was the end of it for me. That was years ago now.

    If my OH thought the same than some posters here, he would have concluded that our relationship was dead because I once felt the need to check on him and we should therefore separate. Yet all those years later, we are happily married. To be, honesty was the fact that I told him that I had these doubts and him telling me that it was ok. Actually, thinking about it now, he is the one who asked me one day when he got his new iphone if I wanted to set the tracker on because from his perspective, he really doesn't care if I wanted to check where he was. My reaction was that I would never want to intrude on his life like this. The only time I would want to check on him is if indeed, he was giving me reasons to do so, ie. and accumulation of odd things over some time, very much like OP has experienced.
    • NeilCr
    • By NeilCr 7th Mar 18, 5:57 PM
    • 1,705 Posts
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    NeilCr

    Well if you ask her, that means you have doubts, otherwise why ask at all? The only difference is whether you do it upfront or by arming yourself. You would be reassured by what your wife tells you, I would be reassured by what I see.


    .
    Originally posted by FBaby
    But I wouldn't have asked. I trust her.

    The point was about how she would have reacted if she had found out I'd snooped on her. She would have said if I had a problem with anything to talk directly to her about it. And the excellent post by 74jax underlines this.

    Think your OH handled it well. Because you thought something was going on and you weren't prepared to talk openly about it. Double lack of trust there. It wouldn't be a deal breaker for me, either. As you demonstrate you can work through it

    But with theOP and her previous thread I think that relationship is dead in the water
    • FBaby
    • By FBaby 7th Mar 18, 6:18 PM
    • 16,678 Posts
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    FBaby
    But I wouldn't have asked. I trust her.
    I understand, it's her response that doesn't make sense to me, because if you have a problem, you are being suspicious and if being suspicious means a lack of trust, why is it ok to ask for confirmation that the suspicion was wrong compared to checking yourself?

    As you've said, you can see it from both side. In my relationship, it's the fact that my OH is really not bothered about the concept of being tracked because as he says, he has nothing to hide that gives the trust that I really don't need nor would want to. I feel exactly the same as he does.

    Then again, it's a bit like how people react to CCTV. I couldn't care less that I'm being filmed left, right and centre because I have nothing to hide, but many people take great offence over it even though they have nothing to hide either.
    • NeilCr
    • By NeilCr 7th Mar 18, 6:38 PM
    • 1,705 Posts
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    NeilCr
    I understand, it's her response that doesn't make sense to me, because if you have a problem, you are being suspicious and if being suspicious means a lack of trust, why is it ok to ask for confirmation that the suspicion was wrong compared to checking yourself?

    r.
    Originally posted by FBaby
    Sorry I'm not being clear.

    It's hypothetical, really. We trust each other so it wouldn't come up. But, knowing her as I do, I know that would be how she would react if it turned out that I was snooping like that - and she found out, obviously. Which I wouldn't dream of doing. Nor would I have any suspicions of her.
    • Poppy1984
    • By Poppy1984 7th Mar 18, 7:13 PM
    • 178 Posts
    • 352 Thanks
    Poppy1984
    Op if you are still reading this thread I'd love to make you a cuppa give you a big hug and support you in ending this relationship you are so unhappy in. You do not have to live in an unhappy relationship. You do not have to put up with being treat badly, it really doesn't matter whether he is having an affair you are unhappy and no one should have to live like that. You mentioned you have children fast forward many years to when they are adults and imagine them telling you what you are telling us, what would you advise them? Would you want them to be happy? Please treat yourself with that same love.
    I wish you all the best and I truly hope you find some peace and happiness.
    19-02-18 Total Debt 4,015 Next 815 Very 1600 Tesco Credit Card 1600
    PAID Next 815/815 now closed Very 900/ 1600 Tesco 160/ 1600
    Emergency Fund 280/300
    • AnotherJoe
    • By AnotherJoe 8th Mar 18, 12:21 AM
    • 9,364 Posts
    • 10,318 Thanks
    AnotherJoe
    A lad who used to work for me taped a mobile phone to the underside of his ex's car and tracked it.

    It was subsequently found when she took it to get the exhaust looked at and he ended up getting 100 hours community service.
    Originally posted by bertiewhite
    Whereas, had he had the wit to leave it underneath a seat it would have been "oh thats where it was, ive been looking for that thanks"
    • FBaby
    • By FBaby 8th Mar 18, 7:12 AM
    • 16,678 Posts
    • 41,264 Thanks
    FBaby
    Nor would I have any suspicions of her.
    Never no matter what? Even if she told you that she was away to spend the week-end at a friend who lives in the country and discovered that she'd taken her passport and came back with a tan? If the doorman knocked on the door with a bunch of roses and a message addressed to her and when she got them, she acted all mysterious about it? Or if you found some male underwear that didn't belong to you in the washing? All this and more within a few weeks? You wouldn't question what was going on and ask her about any of these things?

    Is that because you think that there is no way, ever, not possible that she could one day have an affair?

    Genuinely questioning because my experience is that even people you least expect, those who seem to be the most in love with their partner, who never seem to pay attention to any strangers, do end up having affairs to. Or if not affairs, come out having lied for years about something that was totally unexpected (spending, cross-dressing etc...).

    As I've said before, I really cannot imagine my OH having an affair, I really can't for every reasons that would make someone have one, but I would never say that it's impossible, so even though it wouldn't come to my mind to 'snoop' on him right now because there are no indications whatsoever that he might be up to no good, if the above instances started to creep up and more, I personally would think I'd be a fool to ignore it.
    • NeilCr
    • By NeilCr 8th Mar 18, 8:24 AM
    • 1,705 Posts
    • 2,282 Thanks
    NeilCr
    Never no matter what? Even if she told you that she was away to spend the week-end at a friend who lives in the country and discovered that she'd taken her passport and came back with a tan? If the doorman knocked on the door with a bunch of roses and a message addressed to her and when she got them, she acted all mysterious about it? Or if you found some male underwear that didn't belong to you in the washing? All this and more within a few weeks? You wouldn't question what was going on and ask her about any of these things?

    Is that because you think that there is no way, ever, not possible that she could one day have an affair?

    Genuinely questioning because my experience is that even people you least expect, those who seem to be the most in love with their partner, who never seem to pay attention to any strangers, do end up having affairs to. Or if not affairs, come out having lied for years about something that was totally unexpected (spending, cross-dressing etc...).

    As I've said before, I really cannot imagine my OH having an affair, I really can't for every reasons that would make someone have one, but I would never say that it's impossible, so even though it wouldn't come to my mind to 'snoop' on him right now because there are no indications whatsoever that he might be up to no good, if the above instances started to creep up and more, I personally would think I'd be a fool to ignore it.
    Originally posted by FBaby
    No. Never.

    It's because I know her and us. It's just not going to happen. Maybe because we are older - but, much more likely, it's because we are happy, settled and content with each other and our relationship. And we trust each other and are open and honest. If there was a problem we'd discuss it - not follow the other person or get ourselves in a state worrying about something that may or may not have happened.

    Personally, I am much happier going through life with that outlook than the "what if" "doubt in the back of the mind" attitude that seems to pervade here. That just eats away at you.

    And, yep, I know couples where the unthinkable happens as you have mentioned. But I also have friends who have been together for ages, trusted each other and have lived happily ever after. Contrary to some opinion.

    To add. This is on her. As I've said there were communication issues in my previous relationship. She had to work on me when we first met to articulate how I felt, if there was a problem etc. And to stop me saying sorry all the time!
    Last edited by NeilCr; 08-03-2018 at 8:47 AM.
    • bertiewhite
    • By bertiewhite 8th Mar 18, 8:48 AM
    • 1,060 Posts
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    bertiewhite
    Whereas, had he had the wit to leave it underneath a seat it would have been "oh thats where it was, ive been looking for that thanks"
    Originally posted by AnotherJoe
    and been able to open the locked doors
    • bugslet
    • By bugslet 8th Mar 18, 10:03 AM
    • 6,121 Posts
    • 29,492 Thanks
    bugslet
    But I wouldn't have asked. I trust her.

    The point was about how she would have reacted if she had found out I'd snooped on her. She would have said if I had a problem with anything to talk directly to her about it. And the excellent post by 74jax underlines this.

    Think your OH handled it well. Because you thought something was going on and you weren't prepared to talk openly about it. Double lack of trust there. It wouldn't be a deal breaker for me, either. As you demonstrate you can work through it

    But with theOP and her previous thread I think that relationship is dead in the water
    Originally posted by NeilCr
    Well I agree with you that in the OPs case, her relationship is not going anywhere.

    However, whereas 74jax did what was right for her and great, it entirely depends on the other person As I said, if I had asked Mr Bugs, the answer would have been no, even though he was having an affair. From thinking to finding out, was three weeks. If I hadn't snooped, or if I'd asked and accepted the negative, then I'd have spent months in increasing unhappiness, feeling something was wrong but unable to find out. What would have been the point of that?

    Every situation is different and it's very difficult to put years of personal knowledge and nuance into a short post!
    • fairy lights
    • By fairy lights 8th Mar 18, 10:11 AM
    • 8,573 Posts
    • 28,526 Thanks
    fairy lights
    It's because I know her and us. It's just not going to happen. Maybe because we are older - but, much more likely, it's because we are happy, settled and content with each other and our relationship. And we trust each other and are open and honest. If there was a problem we'd discuss it - not follow the other person or get ourselves in a state worrying about something that may or may not have happened.
    Originally posted by NeilCr
    Everyone 'knows it's not going to happen' until it does
    • motorguy
    • By motorguy 8th Mar 18, 12:14 PM
    • 16,602 Posts
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    motorguy
    Everyone 'knows it's not going to happen' until it does
    Originally posted by fairy lights
    +1

    Yup. And when they find out its usually a combination of shock, surprise and breach of trust that hits them.
    "We have normality. I repeat, we have normality. Anything you still can't cope with is therefore your own problem."
    • ska lover
    • By ska lover 8th Mar 18, 1:27 PM
    • 2,722 Posts
    • 6,634 Thanks
    ska lover
    + 2.


    It is nave and a tad 'superior' to think there is no way something like that could possibly happen in your perfect little life
    The opposite of what you know...is also true
    • NeilCr
    • By NeilCr 8th Mar 18, 2:24 PM
    • 1,705 Posts
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    NeilCr
    Everyone 'knows it's not going to happen' until it does
    Originally posted by fairy lights
    But then, of course, it doesn't happen to "everyone".



    Perhaps it's more likely to happen if you think it might and act all suspicious - making your other half uncomfortable.
    • Gloomendoom
    • By Gloomendoom 8th Mar 18, 2:26 PM
    • 13,916 Posts
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    Gloomendoom
    Perhaps it's more likely to happen if you think it might and act all suspicious - making your other half uncomfortable.
    Originally posted by NeilCr
    A self fulfilling prophesy.

    My ex and I were victims of one of those.
    Never argue with stupid people, they will drag you down to their level and then beat you with experience. - Mark Twain
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