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    • pushing40
    • By pushing40 5th Mar 18, 1:56 PM
    • 35Posts
    • 62Thanks
    pushing40
    Suspected affair - Tracking a mobile phone
    • #1
    • 5th Mar 18, 1:56 PM
    Suspected affair - Tracking a mobile phone 5th Mar 18 at 1:56 PM
    Hello. I need some advice/information.

    I suspect my husband might be having an affair. Occasionally, he will go somewhere for the evening and tells me he's going out with a friend, but I suspect he's not.

    Is it possible to track his whereabouts based on his phone? He has an iphone. I did a quick google search and there are several companies that claim they can tell you the location of any mobile phone - for a fee. If I pay the fee, will I be able to see the location of his phone?

    I know there are various apps that enable this, but I believe (tell me if I'm wrong) that it would require him to install the app on his phone and authorise me to view his location.

    If he has "location" turned off on his phone (which I suspect he does have turned off) would these websites work, or are they a money making scam?
Page 6
    • Pollycat
    • By Pollycat 6th Mar 18, 6:28 PM
    • 20,058 Posts
    • 53,794 Thanks
    Pollycat
    What I keep coming back to is - what if there is no affair?
    Originally posted by Comms69
    Hmmmm.
    I've read the OP's earlier thread and it wasn't pretty - especially the financial stuff about not being able to afford a holiday because he's saving for his retirement.
    And the fact that the OP spent her earnings on food and he had much more disposable income than she did.

    Re the texting in front of the OP with a smile on his face and other behaviour - could it be possible that he's not actually having an affair at all but wants the OP to think that and confront him so he can play the 'you don't trust me, you've accused me without cause/proof so this marriage is over' card.

    And in those circumstances, does anyone think that all the money he's been squirrelling away for his retirement will still be where the OP thinks it is?

    I hope this doesn't happen but my friend's ex hid loads of money from her during their relationship (including pay rises) and walked away with it.

    One of my best friend's friends was completely convinced that my friend was having an affair with her husband. If they went out of a do at the same time to go to the loo (completely coincidentally) she'd follow them out etc etc. Everyone knew it was nuts but, fortunately, the husband didn't cotton on.
    Originally posted by NeilCr
    Curious how this ended.
    Did she finally accept that there was no affair?
    Did somebody 'have a word with her'?
    • NeilCr
    • By NeilCr 6th Mar 18, 6:36 PM
    • 1,714 Posts
    • 2,294 Thanks
    NeilCr

    Re the texting in front of the OP with a smile on his face and other behaviour - could it be possible that he's not actually having an affair at all but wants the OP to think that and confront him so he can play the 'you don't trust me, you've accused me without cause/proof so this marriage is over' card.


    Curious how this ended.
    Did she finally accept that there was no affair?
    Did somebody 'have a word with her'?
    Originally posted by Pollycat
    That crossed my mind re the playing games too. Another reason for not accusing him straight out

    It sort of fizzled out, although she is still a bit insecure. I think that they were going through a bit of a rough time. There is an age gap (she's quite a bit older than him). I have no problems with age gaps in relationships (my OH is a number of years older than me) but I think that there are some times when that gap is more apparent than others and this was one of those times.

    Silly really. They are a lovely couple and he adores her. And my friend (who is gorgeous which probably didn't help) and her partner are absolutely rock solid, too.
    Last edited by NeilCr; 06-03-2018 at 6:54 PM.
    • seven-day-weekend
    • By seven-day-weekend 6th Mar 18, 6:48 PM
    • 30,592 Posts
    • 57,831 Thanks
    seven-day-weekend
    You have to mutually agree to be able to track each other. Personally I'm OK with my immediate family being able to see where I am, but I can see why some people (even those with nothing to hide) wouldn't be happy with it. For example I'd never let my mum track me because she's nosy and she wouldn't be able to help herself from constantly asking me why I was in place XYZ.
    Originally posted by onlyroz
    I would hate it, even though I have absolutely nothing to hide. I need my private space.

    To the OP, I know nothing about tracking on phones. Can you just go to wherever he said he was going and see if he is there? If he is, have a reason ready for coming.
    • Comms69
    • By Comms69 6th Mar 18, 7:12 PM
    • 2,970 Posts
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    Comms69
    Trust is not something you wake up one morning and think 'you know what, I feel like trusting you today, so I will'. Trust is not something you give or take for no reason. Trust is something that you earn because you show the person that there have no reason to think you are not being totally truthful or honest with them.

    Sometimes though things muddle things a bit and your mind start to wonder. It's not a case of waking up, deciding that you don't trust and suddenly coming up with numerous reason why that person can't be trusted, it's the other way around. It doesn't have to be one way or the other, but a case of analysing information that is put in front of you that is leading to consider various outcomes.

    Are you saying that if your boss was suddenly not inviting you to meetings, forgetting to copy you on emails, not asking you about how you are each time he saw you when he used to, you'd be mad to wonder whether he might suddenly don't think highly of you, and if it turned out that it was nothing, just him being distracted, even though he confirmed that he was still very pleased with your work, you should walk out on the job because you had one episode of suspicion that led to you losing trust in your boss, and therefore you should walk out on the job?
    Originally posted by FBaby
    Letís be fair about this though- in employment I have rights and it is for all intents and purposes a business arrangement. Iím currently going through redundancy, so I can relate.

    If I lose trust in my boss, I have other avenues.

    In a relationship itís paramount to trust your SO, if you donít, enough to start stalking them atleast, itís all gone.
    • motorguy
    • By motorguy 6th Mar 18, 7:53 PM
    • 16,627 Posts
    • 9,815 Thanks
    motorguy
    Can you just go to wherever he said he was going and see if he is there?
    Originally posted by seven-day-weekend
    You mean STALK them???



    51 weeks in prison. Its very black and white.
    "We have normality. I repeat, we have normality. Anything you still can't cope with is therefore your own problem."
    • seven-day-weekend
    • By seven-day-weekend 6th Mar 18, 7:58 PM
    • 30,592 Posts
    • 57,831 Thanks
    seven-day-weekend
    You mean STALK them???



    51 weeks in prison. Its very black and white.
    Originally posted by motorguy
    No...if he said he was going to a particular pub, for example, she's just as entitled to go there as he is.
    • motorguy
    • By motorguy 6th Mar 18, 8:02 PM
    • 16,627 Posts
    • 9,815 Thanks
    motorguy
    No...if he said he was going to a particular pub, for example, she's just as entitled to go there as he is.
    Originally posted by seven-day-weekend
    I know that, and you know that.....
    "We have normality. I repeat, we have normality. Anything you still can't cope with is therefore your own problem."
    • Kim kim
    • By Kim kim 6th Mar 18, 8:37 PM
    • 2,231 Posts
    • 3,347 Thanks
    Kim kim
    If you told your wife that you were required to work late, and she came to check up on that. Ye, your relationship is dead.


    In trusting relationships, loving ones. Your wife would instead have you a nice meal ready, after a long day (and no that not sexist, I'd say the same if roles reversed)
    Originally posted by Comms69
    I would agree with this. I couldnít stay with someone I didnít trust & I couldnít stay with someone who didnít trust me.
    • Detroit
    • By Detroit 6th Mar 18, 9:58 PM
    • 747 Posts
    • 2,332 Thanks
    Detroit
    I'm wondering what will happen if the OP follows/tracks/spies/stalks/tomayto/tomato her partner and finds no evidence of an affair.

    Will they then live happily ever after?

    OP, if finding out your husband is NOT having an affair would bring you happiness in the relationship, take the (legal) advice you've been given to find out.

    However, if you're unhappy regardless, what's the point of putting yourself through the stress risk and expense?

    Affair or no, he's distant and disinterested, you're mistrustful and miserable.

    You don't need him to be having an affair to leave him.


    Put your hands up.
    • FBaby
    • By FBaby 7th Mar 18, 7:33 AM
    • 16,690 Posts
    • 41,280 Thanks
    FBaby
    Comm, I used an example of work as a mean to show that trust doesn't have to be all or nothing. The fact that you have legal rights at work is irrelevant (and you do have rights in marriage too anyway), or are you saying that whether you trust or not is dependent on these rights.

    The point I'm making is that at least for me, trust is not something static. It's not something I woke up one morning, looked at my now husband and thought, today, I feel like trusting you for the rest of my life.

    Trust is an emotion, it comes and goes and is flexed depending on the stimuli you get in life. One day I might trust my kids completely, then one day they will do something that makes me question whether they are ready to be as independent as they claim, so I will go back to checking that they are going where they say they are etc...

    For me, Trust is something you earn. The person who holds the strings is not the person who gives the trust but with the person that receives it. Of course that's assuming that nobody suffers from paranoia that leads to persecution, I'm talking in a normal relationship when sometime, just like you feel that your love for someone is a bit tested, so can be trust, but that doesn't mean that the relationship is dead the moment you have a bit of a wobble.

    Frankly, I think there is a lot worse anyone can do in a relationship than follow their partner once because they got something in their head. As said, I did that one time when my OH acted strangely, realised he hadn't lied at all, never done it again, and a few months later,I told him and we laughed about it. Do I think my OH will ever cheat on me. No, I really don't. Do I think it's impossible: of course not, nothing is impossible.
    • NeilCr
    • By NeilCr 7th Mar 18, 8:24 AM
    • 1,714 Posts
    • 2,294 Thanks
    NeilCr
    Comm, I used an example of work as a mean to show that trust doesn't have to be all or nothing. The fact that you have legal rights at work is irrelevant (and you do have rights in marriage too anyway), or are you saying that whether you trust or not is dependent on these rights.

    The point I'm making is that at least for me, trust is not something static. It's not something I woke up one morning, looked at my now husband and thought, today, I feel like trusting you for the rest of my life.

    Trust is an emotion, it comes and goes and is flexed depending on the stimuli you get in life. One day I might trust my kids completely, then one day they will do something that makes me question whether they are ready to be as independent as they claim, so I will go back to checking that they are going where they say they are etc...

    For me, Trust is something you earn. The person who holds the strings is not the person who gives the trust but with the person that receives it. Of course that's assuming that nobody suffers from paranoia that leads to persecution, I'm talking in a normal relationship when sometime, just like you feel that your love for someone is a bit tested, so can be trust, but that doesn't mean that the relationship is dead the moment you have a bit of a wobble.

    Frankly, I think there is a lot worse anyone can do in a relationship than follow their partner once because they got something in their head. As said, I did that one time when my OH acted strangely, realised he hadn't lied at all, never done it again, and a few months later,I told him and we laughed about it. Do I think my OH will ever cheat on me. No, I really don't. Do I think it's impossible: of course not, nothing is impossible.
    Originally posted by FBaby
    I do find this interesting because we are very different.

    We've been together for nearly ten years now. We had a clear the air talk before we started going out about certain things. It was mostly from her POV - she said that she was never going to marry me and was never going to live with me. If that was ever going to be an issue for me then best we left it there. I was more than happy with that!. I like living on my own

    Since then we've trusted each other implicitly. And, because we don't live together, we both have time to cheat. We keep in touch but we don't tell each other what we are going to be doing all the time. And we don't check up on each other. We are both open and honest about what we've done and where we've been and about everything else.

    It's never occurred to me not to trust her and vice versa. No wobbling at all in this relationship re trust - and, indeed, in other strong relationships I know. If she found out I'd followed her somewhere because I suspected something may be up she'd cut my b***s off. And then ask me why I hadn't simply asked her where she was going/what she was doing.

    And to add a bit more as I have pondering on this since posting.

    My previous long term relationship (a marriage) lasted 27 years. We probably shouldn't have got married. We were (are) chalk and cheese and there wasn't enough common ground. We drifted along, not awful at all and, gradually, built up separate lives. And ended up like brother and sister living together. Again, loads of chances to cheat. I worked in London and was often out after work - she ended up being a student and then a post grad.

    We failed on communication. If we had talked more openly we would have likely separated earlier (which would have been better for both of us) but there were quite serious health issues involved as well.

    But we never ended up not trusting each other. Neither of us cheated and, as soon as she thought something might be about to happen with a guy at uni, she told me.

    And I don't honestly know about having to build up trust. Personally, I trust anyone (partner, acquaintance, friend, member of staff etc) from the get go until they prove me wrong. It's worked pretty well for me over the years. Others start from the opposite end. "I am not going to trust you till you prove to me I can"
    Last edited by NeilCr; 07-03-2018 at 9:05 AM.
    • Ozzuk
    • By Ozzuk 7th Mar 18, 8:35 AM
    • 1,319 Posts
    • 1,948 Thanks
    Ozzuk
    Comm, I used an example of work as a mean to show that trust doesn't have to be all or nothing. The fact that you have legal rights at work is irrelevant (and you do have rights in marriage too anyway), or are you saying that whether you trust or not is dependent on these rights.

    The point I'm making is that at least for me, trust is not something static. It's not something I woke up one morning, looked at my now husband and thought, today, I feel like trusting you for the rest of my life.

    Trust is an emotion, it comes and goes and is flexed depending on the stimuli you get in life. One day I might trust my kids completely, then one day they will do something that makes me question whether they are ready to be as independent as they claim, so I will go back to checking that they are going where they say they are etc...

    For me, Trust is something you earn. The person who holds the strings is not the person who gives the trust but with the person that receives it. Of course that's assuming that nobody suffers from paranoia that leads to persecution, I'm talking in a normal relationship when sometime, just like you feel that your love for someone is a bit tested, so can be trust, but that doesn't mean that the relationship is dead the moment you have a bit of a wobble.

    Frankly, I think there is a lot worse anyone can do in a relationship than follow their partner once because they got something in their head. As said, I did that one time when my OH acted strangely, realised he hadn't lied at all, never done it again, and a few months later,I told him and we laughed about it. Do I think my OH will ever cheat on me. No, I really don't. Do I think it's impossible: of course not, nothing is impossible.
    Originally posted by FBaby
    I actually thought the same as you did but I've changed my mind recently (or trying to) after realising I have trust issues. You aren't describing trust you are describing doubt. Trust is an agreement do the right thing, a promise effectively. Doubt is that changing feeling you get - and if you completely trust the other person then it doesn't matter. We all doubt, as you say it just happens. Trust however is a conscious effort to ignore the doubt and well, just trust.
    • Gloomendoom
    • By Gloomendoom 7th Mar 18, 8:52 AM
    • 13,968 Posts
    • 18,394 Thanks
    Gloomendoom
    I realised that my ex-wife didn't trust me when I dropped something off at a colleague's house on my way home from work. It was very embarrassing and ultimately counterproductive.
    ďNever argue with stupid people, they will drag you down to their level and then beat you with experience.Ē - Mark Twain
    • Pa Ja
    • By Pa Ja 7th Mar 18, 11:46 AM
    • 102 Posts
    • 65 Thanks
    Pa Ja
    You can track a location on whatsapp for up to 8hrs.
    Its not hidden though , its in the conversation.
    • Comms69
    • By Comms69 7th Mar 18, 12:27 PM
    • 2,970 Posts
    • 2,939 Thanks
    Comms69
    Comm, I used an example of work as a mean to show that trust doesn't have to be all or nothing. The fact that you have legal rights at work is irrelevant (and you do have rights in marriage too anyway), or are you saying that whether you trust or not is dependent on these rights.

    The point I'm making is that at least for me, trust is not something static. It's not something I woke up one morning, looked at my now husband and thought, today, I feel like trusting you for the rest of my life.

    Trust is an emotion, it comes and goes and is flexed depending on the stimuli you get in life. One day I might trust my kids completely, then one day they will do something that makes me question whether they are ready to be as independent as they claim, so I will go back to checking that they are going where they say they are etc...

    For me, Trust is something you earn. The person who holds the strings is not the person who gives the trust but with the person that receives it. Of course that's assuming that nobody suffers from paranoia that leads to persecution, I'm talking in a normal relationship when sometime, just like you feel that your love for someone is a bit tested, so can be trust, but that doesn't mean that the relationship is dead the moment you have a bit of a wobble.

    Frankly, I think there is a lot worse anyone can do in a relationship than follow their partner once because they got something in their head. As said, I did that one time when my OH acted strangely, realised he hadn't lied at all, never done it again, and a few months later,I told him and we laughed about it. Do I think my OH will ever cheat on me. No, I really don't. Do I think it's impossible: of course not, nothing is impossible.
    Originally posted by FBaby
    Well legal rights provide a safety net.

    At work itís rare to get a true version of the person youíre working with. Perhaps they like to throw drink fuelled orgies on their time off. Doesnít mean I donít trust the, just that the relationship is very much a business / professional one.

    I think what you wrote in your last paragraph is exactly my point. If the OP doesnít find an affair, will she stop or just think she was unlucky this time, but next time, or time after, etc.
    • shiny76
    • By shiny76 7th Mar 18, 12:36 PM
    • 420 Posts
    • 454 Thanks
    shiny76
    Aren't Private Detectives at risk of being charged with stalking?
    • motorguy
    • By motorguy 7th Mar 18, 12:38 PM
    • 16,627 Posts
    • 9,815 Thanks
    motorguy
    Aren't Private Detectives at risk of being charged with stalking?
    Originally posted by shiny76
    Yes. Its very black and white apparently. 51 weeks in prison. 97% conviction rate. No questions asked.
    "We have normality. I repeat, we have normality. Anything you still can't cope with is therefore your own problem."
    • Comms69
    • By Comms69 7th Mar 18, 12:39 PM
    • 2,970 Posts
    • 2,939 Thanks
    Comms69
    Aren't Private Detectives at risk of being charged with stalking?
    Originally posted by shiny76
    They are licenced and regulated.
    • shiny76
    • By shiny76 7th Mar 18, 12:40 PM
    • 420 Posts
    • 454 Thanks
    shiny76
    In which case it's time to talk.

    If he's having an affair, which presumably would end the relationship for you, he may well be open about it.
    Originally posted by Comms69
    But isn't the relationship already doomed? The OP suspects an affair therefore the trust has already gone? Would him denying any affair be enough to allay her fears (much like following/stalking him)?
    • Comms69
    • By Comms69 7th Mar 18, 12:40 PM
    • 2,970 Posts
    • 2,939 Thanks
    Comms69
    Yes. Its very black and white apparently. 51 weeks in prison. 97% conviction rate. No questions asked.
    Originally posted by motorguy
    Itís black and white when itís quite clearly stalking. Yes.

    Youíre quite a strange person.
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