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    • pushing40
    • By pushing40 5th Mar 18, 1:56 PM
    • 35Posts
    • 62Thanks
    pushing40
    Suspected affair - Tracking a mobile phone
    • #1
    • 5th Mar 18, 1:56 PM
    Suspected affair - Tracking a mobile phone 5th Mar 18 at 1:56 PM
    Hello. I need some advice/information.

    I suspect my husband might be having an affair. Occasionally, he will go somewhere for the evening and tells me he's going out with a friend, but I suspect he's not.

    Is it possible to track his whereabouts based on his phone? He has an iphone. I did a quick google search and there are several companies that claim they can tell you the location of any mobile phone - for a fee. If I pay the fee, will I be able to see the location of his phone?

    I know there are various apps that enable this, but I believe (tell me if I'm wrong) that it would require him to install the app on his phone and authorise me to view his location.

    If he has "location" turned off on his phone (which I suspect he does have turned off) would these websites work, or are they a money making scam?
Page 5
    • motorguy
    • By motorguy 6th Mar 18, 2:01 PM
    • 16,613 Posts
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    motorguy
    If you told your wife that you were required to work late, and she came to check up on that. Ye, your relationship is dead.


    In trusting relationships, loving ones. Your wife would instead have you a nice meal ready, after a long day (and no that not sexist, I'd say the same if roles reversed)
    Originally posted by Comms69
    I said EVERY Friday night - conveniently again missing out words that doesnt support your argument.
    "We have normality. I repeat, we have normality. Anything you still can't cope with is therefore your own problem."
    • Comms69
    • By Comms69 6th Mar 18, 2:03 PM
    • 2,970 Posts
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    Comms69
    Its totally relevant because you chose to highlight the bits that *only* supported your argument. Those are example scenarios given of harassment. Extracting one or two out of context does not prove your point.

    The act of stalking is predominantly about exerting control over (usually) an ex partner. Checking where someone is, in the context of getting reassurance that they are doing what they say they are doing is not stalking / harassment.
    Originally posted by motorguy
    I was highlighting behaviour the OP was proposing to do!


    On which note, I'm out. You're deluded if you think it's ok to follow your partner round just because you want to test the trust.
    • Comms69
    • By Comms69 6th Mar 18, 2:04 PM
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    Comms69
    I said EVERY Friday night - conveniently again missing out words that doesnt support your argument.
    Originally posted by motorguy
    Every Friday, sure. From now until eternity. YES. If your wife doesn't trust you, your relationship is dead.


    - frankly im surprised you're married, but hey maybe you just follow her around to make sure she's where she said she would be,
    • motorguy
    • By motorguy 6th Mar 18, 2:05 PM
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    motorguy
    I was highlighting behaviour the OP was proposing to do!


    On which note, I'm out. You're deluded if you think it's ok to follow your partner round just because you want to test the trust.
    Originally posted by Comms69
    Yes, i have to go here too - the police are here to arrest me as i contacted someone in the office earlier today. It was to ask them a question about work, but apparently the law is very black and white on stalking.

    See you in 51 weeks. :rolleyes:
    "We have normality. I repeat, we have normality. Anything you still can't cope with is therefore your own problem."
    • jayII
    • By jayII 6th Mar 18, 2:07 PM
    • 38,158 Posts
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    jayII
    I am not saying track them with a device however i dont think its unreasonable to confirm where someone is. Otherwise surely you're just giving someone free reign to do as they please within a relationship if they have a mildly plausible cover story.

    Doing that is how so many people end up as doormats in abusive relationships as their partner feels they can do what they want and they are afraid to challenge them.
    Originally posted by motorguy
    I did not infer that you did. I was referring to following someone, or getting a friend to follow them.

    In my opinion that is wrong.

    What makes you think that? I could be having an affair, as between work/commuting/staying late at work, I'm usually out of the house anything from 11-14 hours most days. My husband' is similar. Morever, I manage all the finances (he hates numbers) and he'd have no idea if my salary dropped, so I could potentially drop my work hours and spend a lot of time seeing another man or woman.

    My husband does lots of lates and is salaried so no overtime is paid--maybe he's not actually working?

    Who knows, but we trust each other so it's not an issue. As I said, if I ever did suspect anything, I'd talk to him and we'd sort it out (or change/end) it that way. Apart from checking/stalking being morally wrong, why would I want to waste my time spying on someone who can't keep their **** in their pants! Ewww!

    Why would anyone be afraid to challenge their partner about this? Unless the relationship is abusive--in which case there are bigger issues than trust anyway.
    Fighting the biggest battle of my life. Started 30th January 2018.
    • motorguy
    • By motorguy 6th Mar 18, 2:07 PM
    • 16,613 Posts
    • 9,800 Thanks
    motorguy
    Every Friday, sure. From now until eternity. YES. If your wife doesn't trust you, your relationship is dead.


    - frankly im surprised you're married, but hey maybe you just follow her around to make sure she's where she said she would be,
    Originally posted by Comms69
    Oh - i thought you were "out"? Was that just a dramatic flounce?

    Happily married for 10 years thanks. And looking forward to many more years.
    "We have normality. I repeat, we have normality. Anything you still can't cope with is therefore your own problem."
    • motorguy
    • By motorguy 6th Mar 18, 2:12 PM
    • 16,613 Posts
    • 9,800 Thanks
    motorguy
    I did not infer that you did. I was referring to following someone, or getting a friend to follow them.

    In my opinion that is wrong.

    What makes you think that? I could be having an affair, as between work/commuting/staying late at work, I'm usually out of the house anything from 11-14 hours most days. My husband' is similar. Morever, I manage all the finances (he hates numbers) and he'd have no idea if my salary dropped, so I could potentially drop my work hours and spend a lot of time seeing another man or woman.

    My husband does lots of lates and is salaried so no overtime is paid--maybe he's not actually working?

    Who knows, but we trust each other so it's not an issue. As I said, if I ever did suspect anything, I'd talk to him and we'd sort it out (or change/end) it that way. Apart from checking/stalking being morally wrong, why would I want to waste my time spying on someone who can't keep their **** in their pants! Ewww!

    Why would anyone be afraid to challenge their partner about this? Unless the relationship is abusive--in which case there are bigger issues than trust anyway.
    Originally posted by jayII
    Well it sounds like you are both in a pattern whereby you know what each other are doing and when. I did cite an example of where behaviours suddenly changed.

    The risk here is that if the O/P simply challenges the partner they deny it, then the O/P is no better off but the partner then has the opportunity to be more careful.

    Under the circumstances the O/P is in, i definitely wouldnt be giving the partner time, comfort and distance to build a new relationship at their leisure.

    Maybe you'd be happy to let that happen.
    "We have normality. I repeat, we have normality. Anything you still can't cope with is therefore your own problem."
    • ska lover
    • By ska lover 6th Mar 18, 2:20 PM
    • 2,728 Posts
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    ska lover
    I think it is healthy to want to verify why your marriage is going down the pan, or wanting closure. I mean you have built a whole life with this man, you deserve to know the truth. You deserve it. Do not let anyone tell you different and you know the man better than a forum full of strangers, OP!


    A person could walk away based on an anxiety, rather than a fact. I think not knowing could be harmful to a persons mental health, like gaslighting yourself and leading to doubts forever more
    The opposite of what you know...is also true
    • jayII
    • By jayII 6th Mar 18, 2:30 PM
    • 38,158 Posts
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    jayII
    Well it sounds like you are both in a pattern whereby you know what each other are doing and when. I did cite an example of where behaviours suddenly changed.

    The risk here is that if the O/P simply challenges the partner they deny it, then the O/P is no better off but the partner then has the opportunity to be more careful.

    Under the circumstances the O/P is in, i definitely wouldnt be giving the partner time, comfort and distance to build a new relationship at their leisure.

    Maybe you'd be happy to let that happen.
    Originally posted by motorguy
    Not at all. Our schedules are all over the place and it's not unusual for them to suddenly change dramatically. We also have personal social lives on top of work and these go up and down depending on what is happening with mates, how tired we are and so on. But, we trust each other.

    If my husband wanted to be with someone else then that's his choice. He's an adult and I don't feel the need to control him. I'm also not interested in spending my life worrying about what he is up to when he's not with me. I trust him and being alone wouldn't worry me. Of course I'd be sad initially, but I'd survive. I have too much self-respect to want to be with someone who doesn't want me.

    As I said earlier, we've been together and very happily married for a long time and I totally adore him, but I'm also realistic enough to know that people do change and relationships do end. If that happens I'll cry for a while then I'll pick myself up and create an exciting new future for myself.

    The OP here needs to decide that she is worth more than she is accepting from her OH and needs to start treating herself with a lot more respect than she currently is!
    Fighting the biggest battle of my life. Started 30th January 2018.
    • bugslet
    • By bugslet 6th Mar 18, 2:39 PM
    • 6,132 Posts
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    bugslet
    In which case it's time to talk.


    If he's having an affair, which presumably would end the relationship for you, he may well be open about it.
    Originally posted by Comms69
    Mr Bugs denied it even when I told him I'd seen him the night before - yes, I stalked. Yes, it was worth it.

    Some people might go yes, it's true, I'm having it off with her from number 26, but most would deny it and then they cover their tracks.


    You're intending to stalk him. You are in essence the abuser in an abusive relationship if you follow through with this.
    Originally posted by Comms69
    You need to know when you are in that position. I suspected something around the beginning of November, by the 21st, Id found out my gut instinct was correct.



    OP, for what it's worth, I employed a private detective, though I actually put 2 + 2 together and found out the day before the PD came back to me.

    I also put a couple of voice recorders round the house, ones that activate when someone speaks. I'd go out with a cheery, I'm going shopping/ coffee at Xs, I'll be an hour/couple of hours and every time he would ring her. OK, I only got half the conversation but it was enough to prove that it was an affair. Incidentally for anyone who disapproves, it meant that when he tried to do some tricky manouvering to take a percentage of my business from me, I was prepared.

    An affair is a brutal thing and you need to be forewarned and forearmed. As far as I am concerned, if you are unfaithful, then all bets are off.

    As it happened, he came to his senses a few months later and we actually went on to have a happy few years together before he fell ill and died. Of the two, the affair devastated me, whereas his death was sad, but it didn't hurt in the same way. There's a difference between someone deliberately betraying you and planning to leave and death, which no one chooses.
    • Comms69
    • By Comms69 6th Mar 18, 3:31 PM
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    Comms69
    Mr Bugs denied it even when I told him I'd seen him the night before - yes, I stalked. Yes, it was worth it.

    Some people might go yes, it's true, I'm having it off with her from number 26, but most would deny it and then they cover their tracks.



    You need to know when you are in that position. I suspected something around the beginning of November, by the 21st, Id found out my gut instinct was correct.



    OP, for what it's worth, I employed a private detective, though I actually put 2 + 2 together and found out the day before the PD came back to me.

    I also put a couple of voice recorders round the house, ones that activate when someone speaks. I'd go out with a cheery, I'm going shopping/ coffee at Xs, I'll be an hour/couple of hours and every time he would ring her. OK, I only got half the conversation but it was enough to prove that it was an affair. Incidentally for anyone who disapproves, it meant that when he tried to do some tricky manouvering to take a percentage of my business from me, I was prepared.

    An affair is a brutal thing and you need to be forewarned and forearmed. As far as I am concerned, if you are unfaithful, then all bets are off.

    As it happened, he came to his senses a few months later and we actually went on to have a happy few years together before he fell ill and died. Of the two, the affair devastated me, whereas his death was sad, but it didn't hurt in the same way. There's a difference between someone deliberately betraying you and planning to leave and death, which no one chooses.
    Originally posted by bugslet
    What I keep coming back to is - what if there is no affair?


    Suddenly those 'all bets are off' justifications don't exist.


    It's perfectly possible for him to be an innocent party in all this. If someone was following me, recording my conversations, checking my phone, etc. I would feel pretty bad. It would certainly be the end of the relationship for me.
    • bugslet
    • By bugslet 6th Mar 18, 4:04 PM
    • 6,132 Posts
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    bugslet
    What I keep coming back to is - what if there is no affair?


    Suddenly those 'all bets are off' justifications don't exist.


    It's perfectly possible for him to be an innocent party in all this. If someone was following me, recording my conversations, checking my phone, etc. I would feel pretty bad. It would certainly be the end of the relationship for me.
    Originally posted by Comms69
    I understand where you are coming from Comms and the OP can only answer for herself. But in my case, we'd been together 19 years, I 'knew' something was up and it 'felt' like an affair. If I had confronted him, he would have denied it, I knew that, so the only way is to get proof. It's a bit chicken and egg.

    I certainly don't suggest that people go snooping in others lives, I hadn't done in the previous 19 years, but to have a discussion you have to know stuff. Otherwise the conversation goes,

    ' Are you having an affair?'.

    'No'.

    'You just seem to be out a lot, wearing smarter clothes, hanging on to your phone'.

    'I'm seeing Fred, fancied updating my clothes and work's really busy now. You're nagging'.

    And all the while he's shagging himself senseless and you are supposed to just go, well he said he isn't having an affair so that's OK. And you could sit there for years at home whilst he two times you. I wasn't prepared to do that.
    • FBaby
    • By FBaby 6th Mar 18, 5:31 PM
    • 16,682 Posts
    • 41,268 Thanks
    FBaby
    There is an issue. SHE DOESNT TRUST HIM....
    Trust is not something you wake up one morning and think 'you know what, I feel like trusting you today, so I will'. Trust is not something you give or take for no reason. Trust is something that you earn because you show the person that there have no reason to think you are not being totally truthful or honest with them.

    Sometimes though things muddle things a bit and your mind start to wonder. It's not a case of waking up, deciding that you don't trust and suddenly coming up with numerous reason why that person can't be trusted, it's the other way around. It doesn't have to be one way or the other, but a case of analysing information that is put in front of you that is leading to consider various outcomes.

    Are you saying that if your boss was suddenly not inviting you to meetings, forgetting to copy you on emails, not asking you about how you are each time he saw you when he used to, you'd be mad to wonder whether he might suddenly don't think highly of you, and if it turned out that it was nothing, just him being distracted, even though he confirmed that he was still very pleased with your work, you should walk out on the job because you had one episode of suspicion that led to you losing trust in your boss, and therefore you should walk out on the job?
    • NeilCr
    • By NeilCr 6th Mar 18, 5:48 PM
    • 1,714 Posts
    • 2,294 Thanks
    NeilCr
    And, of course, your instincts can be completely wrong.

    One of my best friend's friends was completely convinced that my friend was having an affair with her husband. If they went out of a do at the same time to go to the loo (completely coincidentally) she'd follow them out etc etc. Everyone knew it was nuts but, fortunately, the husband didn't cotton on.

    I'm in the "if you can't trust your partner what's the point" team on this. We had a chat about this thread at lunchtime and my OH (who has had her share of bad relationships) couldn't get her head round the idea of following someone/tracking them etc. But then we trust each other. If you don't trust there is no relationship

    I think bottom line with the OP is that the relationship is terminally screwed.

    If there is an affair then that's it. If she finds no evidence of an affair I don't think she is going to ever believe there isn't something going on.
    • pelirocco
    • By pelirocco 6th Mar 18, 5:55 PM
    • 7,639 Posts
    • 8,527 Thanks
    pelirocco
    I did not infer that you did. I was referring to following someone, or getting a friend to follow them.

    In my opinion that is wrong.

    What makes you think that? I could be having an affair, as between work/commuting/staying late at work, I'm usually out of the house anything from 11-14 hours most days. My husband' is similar. Morever, I manage all the finances (he hates numbers) and he'd have no idea if my salary dropped, so I could potentially drop my work hours and spend a lot of time seeing another man or woman.

    My husband does lots of lates and is salaried so no overtime is paid--maybe he's not actually working?

    Who knows, but we trust each other so it's not an issue. As I said, if I ever did suspect anything, I'd talk to him and we'd sort it out (or change/end) it that way. Apart from checking/stalking being morally wrong, why would I want to waste my time spying on someone who can't keep their **** in their pants! Ewww!

    Why would anyone be afraid to challenge their partner about this? Unless the relationship is abusive--in which case there are bigger issues than trust anyway.
    Originally posted by jayII
    Lots of people trust their partners , but that doesnt mean that they are trust worthy
    Unfortunately confronting someone doesnt gaurantee they will tell the truth , Im sure plenty of partners swear blind nothing is going on , even tho there is . A friend of mine trusted her husband too much , even tho the signs were clear to everyone else , so him leaving was a total shock to her , she had no idea .................As it has turned out him leaving is the least of her worries , he left behind a mountain of debt including 3 threats of house repossesion ........Trusting someone 100 % isnt always wise
    OP I can understand how difficult it will be to confront him , I would suggest you start getting your ducks in a row financially before you do , if it turns out he is having an affair and you dont want to or cant carry on , they you need to be strong and have a plane of what you will need to move on
    If it was me , I would be trying any method of finding out . If you have the money employ a private detective
    Vuja De - the feeling you'll be here later
    • hazyjo
    • By hazyjo 6th Mar 18, 5:55 PM
    • 10,518 Posts
    • 13,685 Thanks
    hazyjo
    What I keep coming back to is - what if there is no affair?


    Suddenly those 'all bets are off' justifications don't exist.


    It's perfectly possible for him to be an innocent party in all this. If someone was following me, recording my conversations, checking my phone, etc. I would feel pretty bad. It would certainly be the end of the relationship for me.
    Originally posted by Comms69






    Paranoia is very different though. If my OH started following me or checking my phone for absolutely no reason, I would go mental. If I started working late on a Friday and he accused me of having an affair, I would also go mental.


    BUT...


    These were the things I didn't notice with my ex which looking back makes me look like a bit of a mug. There were prob loads more that I can't even put into words - a 'feeling' or just inconsistencies.


    - He did smile at phone (believe it or not, most still do this!) and he was daydreamy and smiley
    - Stopped bringing his phone in from the van every night despite being utterly paranoid about someone nicking it before
    - Not taking it out on weekends despite it being his own business and he used to worry about missing calls and would answer it at every opportunity
    - Added a password to his phone
    - Nipping out for things (any excuse to ring her) when he previously moaned about this or stayed on the sofa and went without
    - Weight loss
    - Grooming/appearance - when they weren't fussed before
    - Increased sexual appetite (weird one, but often the case, especially in the beginning)
    - Mentioning the other person's name all the time before it started then stopping talking about them
    - Not answering phone as out of battery or didn't hear it
    - Staying out the night when they never have done before. In fact, he never even used to go out with friends and suddenly he was out every Friday night and (apparently) staying at his work partner's house
    - Picking a fight with me for no apparent reason
    - Not wanting to book a holiday or even a short break


    Little slip-ups when you question them. I remember saying to my ex 'It's 'XXXX' from work isn't it' and rather than saying 'I'm not having an affair' he said 'no it's not'. It was her - which was why he was so quick to deny before engaging his brain.


    I found a text on his phone one day (before I suspected a thing) saying 'Miss you already'. I wasn't snooping. I'd never sent him a text in my life (it was 2000) and I only looked at his damn phone because I couldn't work out why he was so humpy with me and thought maybe because I'd not shown any interest in his shiny new work phone and what it could do - I'd snubbed the request when he first mentioned it as I really wasn't that fussed about it. Hand on heart had not had even an inkling before that. He took the phone 'to have a look' and deleted the text. Said he didn't know how he'd done that and he'd not meant to. I said I wanted to see his phone records and it all went downhill from there. The points above made it glaringly obvious once I put them all together and added in the text.


    I remember breaking down and telling my mum and felt shocked when she said she thought from all that that he was having an affair. She offered to follow him and I said no as I just still couldn't believe it.


    Comms69 - I also kept saying 'what if there is no affair' and was so reluctant to believe it could be possible. It often reaches a point where you just have to believe what everything points to - but to justify it being the reason why you throw away an entire marriage - it was BECAUSE I trusted him that I couldn't do that. If he hadn't left, I would have needed proof. When he tried to get back with me, my mum checked where his van was and he was with her. Still seeing her. So that was that.


    Anyway, sorry to thread-hog
    2018 wins: Single Malt Whisky; theatre tickets; festival tickets; year of gin(!); shoes
    • PeacefulWaters
    • By PeacefulWaters 6th Mar 18, 6:01 PM
    • 8,320 Posts
    • 10,638 Thanks
    PeacefulWaters
    The standard response to being accused of cheating when you are cheating is to lie. Then lie again.

    Then to ridicule your partner for thinking that way.

    Then to carry on cheating.
    • Vegas2010
    • By Vegas2010 6th Mar 18, 6:01 PM
    • 10 Posts
    • 10 Thanks
    Vegas2010
    It feels like it depends if you want the relationship to continue or not.


    Tracking/evidence etc makes it more black and white potentially as either an affair is uncovered or the survellance is and one party feels aggrieved.


    Sitting down and having a conversation saying you've noticed them being more distant, out separetly etc (rather than accusing).. is everything OK, is more likely to get them to put effort into a relationship they want to save and if they we're having an affiar potentially ending it as they feel they'll be caught. Probably more productive if you want to stay with them.
    • NeilCr
    • By NeilCr 6th Mar 18, 6:07 PM
    • 1,714 Posts
    • 2,294 Thanks
    NeilCr
    Paranoia is very different though. If my OH started following me or checking my phone for absolutely no reason, I would go mental. If I started working late on a Friday and he accused me of having an affair, I would also go mental.


    BUT...


    These were the things I didn't notice with my ex which looking back makes me look like a bit of a mug. There were prob loads more that I can't even put into words - a 'feeling' or just inconsistencies.


    - He did smile at phone (believe it or not, most still do this!) and he was daydreamy and smiley
    - Stopped bringing his phone in from the van every night despite being utterly paranoid about someone nicking it before
    - Not taking it out on weekends despite it being his own business and he used to worry about missing calls and would answer it at every opportunity
    - Added a password to his phone
    - Nipping out for things (any excuse to ring her) when he previously moaned about this or stayed on the sofa and went without
    - Weight loss
    - Grooming/appearance - when they weren't fussed before
    - Increased sexual appetite (weird one, but often the case, especially in the beginning)
    - Mentioning the other person's name all the time before it started then stopping talking about them
    - Not answering phone as out of battery or didn't hear it
    - Staying out the night when they never have done before. In fact, he never even used to go out with friends and suddenly he was out every Friday night and (apparently) staying at his work partner's house
    - Picking a fight with me for no apparent reason
    - Not wanting to book a holiday or even a short break


    Little slip-ups when you question them. I remember saying to my ex 'It's 'XXXX' from work isn't it' and rather than saying 'I'm not having an affair' he said 'no it's not'. It was her - which was why he was so quick to deny before engaging his brain.


    I found a text on his phone one day (before I suspected a thing) saying 'Miss you already'. I wasn't snooping. I'd never sent him a text in my life (it was 2000) and I only looked at his damn phone because I couldn't work out why he was so humpy with me and thought maybe because I'd not shown any interest in his shiny new work phone and what it could do - I'd snubbed the request when he first mentioned it as I really wasn't that fussed about it. Hand on heart had not had even an inkling before that. He took the phone 'to have a look' and deleted the text. Said he didn't know how he'd done that and he'd not meant to. I said I wanted to see his phone records and it all went downhill from there. The points above made it glaringly obvious once I put them all together and added in the text.


    I remember breaking down and telling my mum and felt shocked when she said she thought from all that that he was having an affair. She offered to follow him and I said no as I just still couldn't believe it.


    Comms69 - I also kept saying 'what if there is no affair' and was so reluctant to believe it could be possible. It often reaches a point where you just have to believe what everything points to - but to justify it being the reason why you throw away an entire marriage - it was BECAUSE I trusted him that I couldn't do that. If he hadn't left, I would have needed proof. When he tried to get back with me, my mum checked where his van was and he was with her. Still seeing her. So that was that.


    Anyway, sorry to thread-hog
    Originally posted by hazyjo
    I think you had more than justifiable grounds for suspicion. That's a long list!

    But, going back to the OP it "appears" at the moment what she has is an occasional night out with a friend she hasn't heard of (ETA and smiling at the phone). That's a long way short of the evidence that you were seeing.

    It might well be innocent (it might well be an affair too, of course) but I am not sure that it justifies the lengths of snooping/intrusion suggested. While I can see he might clam up I am inclined to think probing gently might be a start.

    My OH's son spends his time laughing/smiling at phone messages. It's all banter with his mates. A quiet "share the joke"might get somewhere, for instance.
    Last edited by NeilCr; 06-03-2018 at 6:29 PM.
    • NeilCr
    • By NeilCr 6th Mar 18, 6:08 PM
    • 1,714 Posts
    • 2,294 Thanks
    NeilCr
    The standard response to being accused of cheating when you are cheating is to lie. Then lie again.

    Then to ridicule your partner for thinking that way.

    Then to carry on cheating.
    Originally posted by PeacefulWaters
    But, of course, don't start with accusing them of cheating.
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