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    • Alvinism
    • By Alvinism 5th Mar 18, 12:29 PM
    • 16Posts
    • 6Thanks
    Alvinism
    Making All the Effort in Friendships
    • #1
    • 5th Mar 18, 12:29 PM
    Making All the Effort in Friendships 5th Mar 18 at 12:29 PM
    Do you feel like you are making all the effort in your friendships - always the one to suggest you do something together, always the one to check how they are doing, always careful not to forget their special occasions?

    I feel like this is happening to me a lot lately and am wondering if I should keep making the effort or just give up? I know we all have a lot going on in our lives, but surely it's not unreasonable to expect a bit of initiative on their part?

    However, I am afraid I have let a lot of friendships fizzle out in the past because I didn't feel like I was being valued. Maybe I am being too sensitive?

    Anyone else feeling like this?
Page 1
    • AubreyMac
    • By AubreyMac 5th Mar 18, 12:50 PM
    • 1,391 Posts
    • 3,122 Thanks
    AubreyMac
    • #2
    • 5th Mar 18, 12:50 PM
    • #2
    • 5th Mar 18, 12:50 PM
    I have in the past yes, and let those friendships go as I was feeling more and more used and resentful.
    • hello007007
    • By hello007007 5th Mar 18, 1:41 PM
    • 99 Posts
    • 47 Thanks
    hello007007
    • #3
    • 5th Mar 18, 1:41 PM
    • #3
    • 5th Mar 18, 1:41 PM
    I could have written this OP.
    I fear not being liked but I want to be social so I became and still am a people pleaser.

    Recently, a so called friend who has been taking advantage for years had two massive go s at me and I just took them. I had been doing so many things for this women. I hate myself, she would say such rude things that would anger and hurt me and I would just take it. I would than have a go at the kids or my husband to vent my emotions. She never saw me as an equal and this is because I was not. I Have now broken ties with her as she was so damn rude. I feel like crying with anger just thinking about how much crap I took from her. I could have responded with so much fire but I did nott as it is not my personality.

    I am never going to be used like that again. OP If we do not love ourselves how can others respect us? They won!!!8217;t, they will just take advantage because we have allowed it. I am also very thinned skinned.

    I am in the middle of sorting out my life and values. From now on, I promised myself, the moment someone is rude or does something I dislike I will tell them so. If I do not they then get a free card to do it again because they know they can get away with it - I am going to nip such things in the bud.

    People can be selfish however, on the other hand people can be busy. Say a young mum has so much on her plate whereas someone retired will have more free time, if that makes sense. I do not know your sistuation. However, I am getting the vibe from your post that these friends could and do have the time every now and again to call and check up on you too.

    I am also in this situation, if your friends live the same sort of lifestyle as you and do not bother - Do go out there and make new friends. I know one good friend is worth more then a hundred but you have to find them. I Have only meet one other person like myself who would gave all for a friend. She was so nice and kind, but she moved away. I think about her so much.

    Next time you make contact with your friends tell them they are free to call you too. Until you hear back do not call them, they are not worth it. This sound harsh and its more personal to me - but I doubt people like that would even bother to come to my funeral.

    Hugs
    Last edited by hello007007; 05-03-2018 at 1:44 PM.
    • PasturesNew
    • By PasturesNew 5th Mar 18, 1:46 PM
    • 62,477 Posts
    • 365,921 Thanks
    PasturesNew
    • #4
    • 5th Mar 18, 1:46 PM
    • #4
    • 5th Mar 18, 1:46 PM
    Everybody's different. I have a friend who contacts me 99% of the time... I told them I appreciate this as I'm not a communicator/initiator - and I come about 4th/5th in their list of priorities, so I get a call when they've a slot they wish to fill ... me, I have a slot to fill every day, so there's no point me suggesting stuff as they've other calls on their time.

    People are different ... and you can't make others "just like you".
    • frannyj543
    • By frannyj543 5th Mar 18, 2:58 PM
    • 176 Posts
    • 108 Thanks
    frannyj543
    • #5
    • 5th Mar 18, 2:58 PM
    • #5
    • 5th Mar 18, 2:58 PM
    How old are you OP.

    Unfortunately the older you get the less social interactions you have with friends. People priorities change. The things they like change and ultimately what they value changes.

    Having formed and been in a relationship for years when I was living in my hometown I wasn't as popular simply because I didn't go out every weekend and get drunk. Because my situation changed so my previous friends/aquantinces stopped bothering as much. Simply because I haven't much to offer them in the way of social scenes.

    We were all friends because we needed social buddies. Now some of us have settled down and there's a few who haven't and they are basically at 35 going out with random groups of people because they've no one else.

    People are selfish and unless your top of their list your usually a third forth or fifth thought. It's sad but it's true.

    If I was you I would let those friends live their lives and move on. Find a club, group or something your interested in. If you find like minded people they will be doing the activity regularly. A running club,a music club, whatever it may be. They make time for their hobbies and hence their new or existing friends from that.

    If your friends have families it's unlikely anything more than a coffee every few months will happen. It's the way of the world. Some people keep strong friendships but most don't. Hence adults form friendships through their kids and end up socialising more with their kids friends parents than their old friends from say their 20s.
    • Alvinism
    • By Alvinism 5th Mar 18, 3:00 PM
    • 16 Posts
    • 6 Thanks
    Alvinism
    • #6
    • 5th Mar 18, 3:00 PM
    • #6
    • 5th Mar 18, 3:00 PM
    Sorry to hear others have felt the same way as me. It helps to know I am not alone.
    I suppose it is hard to understand why other people don't behave in the same way we do, and to interpret their behaviour as a slight against us. Everyone is, indeed, different. I just wish I knew whether friends do value me and are just not being proactive, or whether they are letting me know they don't want me around, or indeed whether they get off on treating me badly!
    • Hermia
    • By Hermia 5th Mar 18, 3:01 PM
    • 4,134 Posts
    • 11,249 Thanks
    Hermia
    • #7
    • 5th Mar 18, 3:01 PM
    • #7
    • 5th Mar 18, 3:01 PM
    Do you feel like you are making all the effort in your friendships - always the one to suggest you do something together, always the one to check how they are doing, always careful not to forget their special occasions?
    Originally posted by Alvinism
    I have got less and less tolerant of this as I have got older and have stopped contacting some people (and not regretted it!). I think one thing that particularly annoyed me was the people who are like this are the type who like going out, but always expected me to book the tickets and do all the organising etc. Clearly my time was worth so much less than theirs!

    Obviously some people are busier than others and I would make allowances for them, but I honestly think this is more about personality TBH. I have known plenty of super busy people who nevertheless could find a minute to send a text or pick up a birthday card with their supermarket shopping. The people I knew who were worst for making an effort were often the people with least to do.

    I think it is always worth having a chat with the person to give them a chance, but if that doesn't work let them go. IME it doesn't always work that well. I tried explaining to a couple of ex-friends that having to always be responsible for organising every aspect of social trips was time-consuming, but I just got blank looks. Sigh...
    • Alvinism
    • By Alvinism 5th Mar 18, 3:05 PM
    • 16 Posts
    • 6 Thanks
    Alvinism
    • #8
    • 5th Mar 18, 3:05 PM
    • #8
    • 5th Mar 18, 3:05 PM
    Wise words! Thank you! I am now in my early thirties, so I guess I am experiencing a shift in social circles as everyone settles down and moves on. I will try to get out there and hopefully meet more like-minded people.
    • TBagpuss
    • By TBagpuss 5th Mar 18, 3:13 PM
    • 6,487 Posts
    • 8,418 Thanks
    TBagpuss
    • #9
    • 5th Mar 18, 3:13 PM
    • #9
    • 5th Mar 18, 3:13 PM
    Do you feel like you are making all the effort in your friendships - always the one to suggest you do something together, always the one to check how they are doing, always careful not to forget their special occasions?

    I feel like this is happening to me a lot lately and am wondering if I should keep making the effort or just give up? I know we all have a lot going on in our lives, but surely it's not unreasonable to expect a bit of initiative on their part?

    However, I am afraid I have let a lot of friendships fizzle out in the past because I didn't feel like I was being valued. Maybe I am being too sensitive?

    Anyone else feeling like this?
    Originally posted by Alvinism
    I don't think it is over sensitive, but I also don't think it automatically think it means that your friends don't value the friendship or enjoy spending time with you.

    Things to consider:

    Has it always been the same with these specific friends? It's not uncommon to have a sort of 'ebb and flow' where sometimes pone person is doing more and sometimes the other is, and if that is the case, it may be reasonable to accept that this is a temporary thing.

    Have you mentioned it to the people concerned? It can be really productive, particularly if you are careful how you frame it. e.g. "I really enjoy spending time with you, but I've started to feel that initiate contact a lot more often than you do - I would love it if sometimes you were to reach to to me, rather than waiting for me to contact you, sometimes I feel as though our friendship is not important to you, as I feel as though I am almost always the one making contact. (if you make it about how you feel, rather then getting into the 'you always' or 'you never' accusation then it's more likely they will hear and be willing to think about what you say, rather than get defensive.

    Are you generally a more organised person? I've got a few friends where I sometimes feel the way you've described, however, having given it a lot of thought, part of it is that I tend to be more organised generally, and to be the sort of person who does plan things in advance .

    How much do you enjoy spending time with them when you do see them? If you get value from the friendship then decide whether it is worth it for you to be making more effort or not.

    It's OK to decide to back off a bit, and let them contact you, but it's also OK to decide that while you would like them to take the initiative sometimes, over all the friendship is still valuable and worth while to you. It's also OK to dial things back a bit - maybe only contact them once a month rather than once a fortnight, etc. Give yourself permission to do less work at making the friendship work.

    I have let friendships go where I've felt that I am getting nothing out of it and had started to feel used or resentful, I've also got some very strong, and positive friendships which are valuable to me even though I do a lot of the leg work or have done so in the past, so I don't think that it is a 'one size fits all' - look at each relationship individually.
    • pollypenny
    • By pollypenny 5th Mar 18, 3:48 PM
    • 23,921 Posts
    • 62,334 Thanks
    pollypenny
    No. I have had this, too. I was very upset at one 'friend' until I twigged that she is one who always has to have a new best friend.

    Another one was horrible to be very publicly, although she had a lot to drink. I challenged her on it, quietly, and I!!!8217;ve not seen or heard from her since. She is one who has to be in charge.
    Last edited by pollypenny; 05-03-2018 at 6:54 PM.
    Member #14 of SKI-ers club

    Words, words, they're all we have to go by!.

    (Pity they are mangled by this autocorrect!)
    • NeilCr
    • By NeilCr 5th Mar 18, 4:32 PM
    • 1,714 Posts
    • 2,294 Thanks
    NeilCr
    How old are you OP.

    Unfortunately the older you get the less social interactions you have with friends.
    Originally posted by frannyj543
    I really don't think this is true. I think there are times in your life when you can find yourself not seeing your friends as much. When you first get married, when you have children etc But then there are other times when you are out there. Maybe you separate, your kids get older and are self sufficient, your kids leave home .........

    There is no hard and fast rule




    What I find as I've got older (65 this year) is that I have more social interaction but with less people. I do think as you get older you become less tolerant of friends who are in it for themselves and don't give anything. But you value your close friends more and meet new people. If you are prepared to make the effort, that is.

    Having said that there are very few friendships that are truly 50/50. There is always going to be an element of one person being more reliant on the other. My best BFF is amazing but I've relied on her more than she has on me over the years. But that's fine. For quite a time (and even now) she has a better support network than me (in certain areas).

    And the converse is true with another friend of mine. He needs me more than I need him.
    Last edited by NeilCr; 05-03-2018 at 7:45 PM.
    • hazyjo
    • By hazyjo 5th Mar 18, 5:46 PM
    • 10,518 Posts
    • 13,684 Thanks
    hazyjo
    There's often a 'leader' within a bunch of friends.


    In one of my groups of friends, there's four of us and one totally takes charge. We all end up waiting to hear from her as to where we're going and what we're doing. She likes it, and we don't really have the time nor inclination to sort something 'special' out. Maybe you're just good at the organising bit and they have come to rely on you!


    We all do birthdays (meeting up and cards/presents, etc), but not sure what you mean by 'special occasions'. We do Christmas presents but not many send cards. Nobody I know still sends anniversary cards or anything like that. None of us ring each other any more (well, rarely) - it's all done by email or phone apps/texts. We chat when we see each other.


    I also have a couple of friends where we don't speak for months/years even, but pick up where we left off every so often. I don't take it personally (nor do they).


    I only feel like you do if I'm single. When I'm in a relationship, it's different.
    2018 wins: Single Malt Whisky; theatre tickets; festival tickets; year of gin(!); shoes
    • theoretica
    • By theoretica 5th Mar 18, 8:22 PM
    • 5,157 Posts
    • 6,403 Thanks
    theoretica
    I don't think that stopping making such an effort necessarily means dropping the friendship, just perhaps changing how active it is. I have several very good friends I can go many months without any contact, but we both class the other as a friend. Admittedly moves and living a long way away are mostly behind this.
    But a banker, engaged at enormous expense,
    Had the whole of their cash in his care.
    Lewis Carroll
    • FBaby
    • By FBaby 5th Mar 18, 8:32 PM
    • 16,682 Posts
    • 41,268 Thanks
    FBaby
    It depends. I have friends when I am more likely to be the one making efforts and others when it's the opposite. It is not a reflection of who I like most but mainly a question of habit. I don't mind either way, although I would never forget a birthday or special occasions and if the friend who made more effort expressed some annoyance, I would apologise and be more proactive. I have one friend who used to the one to always made contact with me to go out, now it's the other way around, but we are as close as always, more like sisters really.
    • Chandelier.
    • By Chandelier. 6th Mar 18, 12:06 PM
    • 626 Posts
    • 1,653 Thanks
    Chandelier.
    I have friends but I also have acquaintances. I meet up with people at different aspects of our lives as we all have busy schedules that sometimes clash but thankfully it's as if things were never different.

    People have been and gone at different points in my life and I've learnt to accept that. I used to find it hard to deal with but as time has gone on I've just completely let go.

    I make the effort to contact and reach out at times and sometimes I feel as if it's me that makes the effort but I also understand others have things going on in their lives and I may not be their priority but I always let them know I'm there for them.
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