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    • Spirit
    • By Spirit 3rd Mar 18, 10:34 PM
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    Spirit
    Advice needed-resident teenage niece
    • #1
    • 3rd Mar 18, 10:34 PM
    Advice needed-resident teenage niece 3rd Mar 18 at 10:34 PM
    My niece lives with us part time so she can attend a college course. She has had a tough childhood.

    She had a weekend job in her hometown which she stopped turning up for at Christmas.

    She has no responsibilities here and is assured of a consistent comfortable home. It is her choice to be here and it is better for her at this time. We want her to have opportunities in life,We are also paying for driviessons in her home town. I do not give her an allowance, She smokes and her dad is now giving her money for tobacco, this is unaffordable for him. She has told him she does not want to work.

    Now on to the area of advice I would like . Niece is 18 and has no aspiration to find a part time job to fund a social life or any personal expenses. We fund her return rail fare so she can go home at weekends her travel to college and any incidental spend whilst she is here including lunches.

    I have helped her in guiding her to job vacancies both here and in her home town, she makes all the right noises but does not do anything.

    I would welcome suggestions on how we help her to become motivated to seek employment without being critical. Thanks
Page 2
    • Tabbytabitha
    • By Tabbytabitha 4th Mar 18, 12:06 PM
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    Tabbytabitha
    There is a lot of talk here about a job as a way to earn money, but the other aspect is that a well chosen job can be invaluable for a reference and her future career.

    I suggest thinking ahead and letting her know - what will happen when she finishes this course?
    Originally posted by theoretica
    She's certainly unlikely to get into the police without relevant work experience, whether paid or voluntary.
    • Dunroaming
    • By Dunroaming 4th Mar 18, 12:57 PM
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    Dunroaming
    She's certainly unlikely to get into the police without relevant work experience, whether paid or voluntary.
    Originally posted by Tabbytabitha
    Anyone is unlikely to become a police officer without a degree.
    • Spendless
    • By Spendless 4th Mar 18, 1:23 PM
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    Spendless
    She might not want to go in the police. It was me that mentioned that my own Niece does the same course and she is in the police cadets.

    I asked the OP if it would interest his/her Niece.
    • Tabbytabitha
    • By Tabbytabitha 4th Mar 18, 2:44 PM
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    Tabbytabitha
    She might not want to go in the police. It was me that mentioned that my own Niece does the same course and she is in the police cadets.

    I asked the OP if it would interest his/her Niece.
    Originally posted by Spendless
    Most of the things you might do after this course will be more likely to be successful with relevant work experience.
    • Spendless
    • By Spendless 4th Mar 18, 4:32 PM
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    Spendless
    Most of the things you might do after this course will be more likely to be successful with relevant work experience.
    Originally posted by Tabbytabitha
    I should expect that is true of many courses. I just didn't want the thread to go off on a tangent about the police, because it was me mentioning it re the cadets not the OP.
    • Fireflyaway
    • By Fireflyaway 4th Mar 18, 4:46 PM
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    Fireflyaway
    There is so much competition for employment I'd want to see that as well as qualifications, the young person has a work ethic and somewhere I could approach for references. Even a few hours of work would benefit her future and give her pocket money. When does she turn 19? Rather than cut off financial support immediately give her warning. Once she is 19 she needs to support herself. Driving lessons are great but what about petrol, insurance etc when she passes? If she gets used to handouts she wont bother to work so set some clear expectations and don't give her any more money. I'd also explore her mindset. Is she lazy or does she lack confidence?
    • Cheeky_Monkey
    • By Cheeky_Monkey 4th Mar 18, 4:49 PM
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    Cheeky_Monkey
    IMO, the problem here is the OP and the girl's father!

    It seems pretty obvious that all the time they are bank-rolling her, she has no intention of actually getting a job.

    I am also staggered by the fact that, in this day and age, a father is funding his teenage daughter's smoking habit
    I used to be indecisive - now I'm not so sure
    • Savvy_Sue
    • By Savvy_Sue 4th Mar 18, 5:18 PM
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    Savvy_Sue
    I am also staggered by the fact that, in this day and age, a father is funding his teenage daughter's smoking habit
    Originally posted by Cheeky_Monkey
    I'm not. I can think of all sorts of reasons why he might do this: feelings of hypocrisy if he smokes but tells her not to; feelings of guilt that she's living away from him and giving her money is an easy way to assuage that; feelings that if he didn't give her money he wouldn't ever hear from her etc.

    However OP says dad cannot afford to fund his DD's smoking habit, so she needs to persuade dad to stop, if she can.
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    • Loz01
    • By Loz01 4th Mar 18, 5:24 PM
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    Loz01
    Stop funding her nice things, no phone or cigarettes or treats or make up. She'll soon get bored and want to work she realises someone is there to hand her every little thing. What is she going to do as an adult, be on the dole forever because she cant be arsed? Tell her its not sustainable to go on how she's behaving.
    The fact is that more people have been slaughtered in the name of religion than for any other single reason. That, my friends, is a true perversion - Harvey Milk
    • Robisere
    • By Robisere 4th Mar 18, 5:54 PM
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    Robisere
    Stop funding her nice things, no phone or cigarettes or treats or make up. She'll soon get bored and want to work she realises someone is there to hand her every little thing. What is she going to do as an adult, be on the dole forever because she cant be arsed? Tell her its not sustainable to go on how she's behaving.
    Originally posted by Loz01
    This ^^^^^!
    You and dad are spoiling her and providing a situation that will give her no idea of the value of money and how it has to be obtained. Basically, you are ruining the rest of her life and you need to wake her up to real life. Allowing her to smoke is dangerous to her health: fostering her habit by funding it, is just plain dumb. Does she smoke in your home?

    I understand that she may have had a rough earlier life. There are plenty of people who have suffered that sort of situation, I am one. The way to rise above it, is to realise that it can only be done by the efforts and ability to provide for a life and a livelihood. Pandering to her present inability to recognise this, is doing her no favours.
    I think this job really needs
    a much bigger hammer.
    • Spirit
    • By Spirit 4th Mar 18, 6:00 PM
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    Spirit
    Thanks all, my husband has just gone to pick her up from the station.

    Your input has stiffened my resolve, I will pass it onto her dad and see if it changes his attitude too.

    Common themes that I have taken from throughout your posts are to stop funding extras and make her take responsibility for providing them. To cease enabling a lazy approach to life.

    Driving lessons are a part of her education in our view. We want her to learn and get through this milestone whilst we have the opportunity to support her.

    Her friends here do more in terms of activities and socialising, she had grown away from friends in her home town and described the social life as "dossing around". Since giving up working she has gravitated back towards these friends, because dossing is a low maintenance and low cost.

    Her previous job was in the gig economy and at Christmas she turned down all shifts offered and did not communicate with the employer afterwards.

    I will let you know how I get on
    • gettingtheresometime
    • By gettingtheresometime 4th Mar 18, 7:36 PM
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    gettingtheresometime
    Anyone is unlikely to become a police officer without a degree.
    Originally posted by Dunroaming
    Why do you say that?

    If, and its not clear whether it is the case that the niece wants to join the police, shed be better off considering becoming a special constable.

    She may also want to find out whether her chosen force requires the certificate of police knowledge before she can even apply
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    • Dunroaming
    • By Dunroaming 4th Mar 18, 9:03 PM
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    Dunroaming
    Why do you say that?

    If, and its not clear whether it is the case that the niece wants to join the police, shed be better off considering becoming a special constable.

    She may also want to find out whether her chosen force requires the certificate of police knowledge before she can even apply
    Originally posted by gettingtheresometime
    Because a neighbour has just been accepted and they are in the last intake without the need for a degree. Depends on the force, but its clear to me.
    • gettingtheresometime
    • By gettingtheresometime 4th Mar 18, 9:50 PM
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    gettingtheresometime
    Because a neighbour has just been accepted and they are in the last intake without the need for a degree. Depends on the force, but its clear to me.
    Originally posted by Dunroaming
    As a matter of interest what force is that?
    Lloyds OD / Natwest OD / PO CC / Wescott / Argos Card cleared thanks to the 1 debt v 100 day challenge


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