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    • Mr.Grey
    • By Mr.Grey 7th Feb 18, 6:11 PM
    • 11Posts
    • 0Thanks
    Mr.Grey
    Spousal maintenance
    • #1
    • 7th Feb 18, 6:11 PM
    Spousal maintenance 7th Feb 18 at 6:11 PM
    I have been married for 9 years and have 2 children aged 6 and 18mths. My wife is divorcing me and we have been apart for a year. We both have solicitors and hers is saying that she is entitled to spousal maintenance. She works 2 days a week and her earnings are just under 16K, I earn 60k.
    I accept that I have to pay for the kids, but I see no reason why I should subsidise her new life. We have both got new partners, and once our property is sold, (I am still paying the mortgage as she and the kids still live there as it is jointly owned.)
    I want to move on and don't want to be financially tied to her for years to come. I have told her to get another better paid job but she says her salary for just 2 days is good and there isn't an option to work full time. If that's the case I don't know why she can't get a different job.
    We have sorted the child access, it's 50/50 (nights), but the stumbling block is this maintenance she wants.
    She say's she needs it as she has to now rent and cannot manage on the money she will get.
    I don't want to go to mediation as I am not going to change my mind, I intend to buy another house with my new partner and I won't be able to afford to subsidise her.
    Any advise would help, I am just wondering if anyone else has had a similar problem. She is not living with her new partner deliberately because she knows it will go against her as far as finances is concerned.
Page 1
    • Seanymph
    • By Seanymph 7th Feb 18, 6:20 PM
    • 2,670 Posts
    • 18,011 Thanks
    Seanymph
    • #2
    • 7th Feb 18, 6:20 PM
    • #2
    • 7th Feb 18, 6:20 PM
    I always feel sad when it gets so adversarial - you will, as part of your divorce, make a financial agreement - that will detail any spousal maintenance to be paid. To say 'I'm not paying anything towards her' is unfair and short sighted in my opinion.

    As a mother - and mine are now in their twenties - you lose earning potential, career progression, the ability to move into higher paying roles. You can guarantee that when they are at school if they are ill it won't be you with your new partner and new house that leaves work with no notice to pick them up, make the dental appointments and take them after school, do doctors appointments, hospital appointments, the football practice driving - sunday morning matches........ you may do some of it, but you will (as is demonstrated in your post) want to prioritise 'moving on'. No matter how involved you are now, this is hard to maintain, and a high paying job with responsibility cannot take those kind of hits.

    She may not want to move in with her new partner - and why should she? If, further down the line, she does, then you can revisit the spousal maintenance I'm sure.

    But in the meantime this woman is raising, and prioritising, your children. That has value that it is important no one loses sight of.
    • Mr.Grey
    • By Mr.Grey 7th Feb 18, 6:28 PM
    • 11 Posts
    • 0 Thanks
    Mr.Grey
    • #3
    • 7th Feb 18, 6:28 PM
    • #3
    • 7th Feb 18, 6:28 PM
    That may be the case, but who would decide how much it will be. I want to getter a bigger house as my new partner has 2 children and when mine stay with me as well they can have a lovely home to stay in. I can make sure that when they are with me they want for nothing. I will need a bigger car for a larger family and I don't see why I should skimp so that she can stay at home for some of the week when I have to work for us all. Thanks for your input though.
    • thorsoak
    • By thorsoak 7th Feb 18, 6:31 PM
    • 5,662 Posts
    • 25,939 Thanks
    thorsoak
    • #4
    • 7th Feb 18, 6:31 PM
    • #4
    • 7th Feb 18, 6:31 PM
    Unless you go to mediation, it is my understanding that a judge could rule that your ex-wife and children are allowed to stay in the matrimonial home until the children reach the age of 18. Your mind may be made up - so is your ex-wife's. It does require mediation.
    • barbarawright
    • By barbarawright 7th Feb 18, 6:32 PM
    • 1,716 Posts
    • 3,270 Thanks
    barbarawright
    • #5
    • 7th Feb 18, 6:32 PM
    • #5
    • 7th Feb 18, 6:32 PM
    Who will look after *your* children if your wife is out at work? Surely your payment should cover that
    • BorisThomson
    • By BorisThomson 7th Feb 18, 6:43 PM
    • 1,586 Posts
    • 3,422 Thanks
    BorisThomson
    • #6
    • 7th Feb 18, 6:43 PM
    • #6
    • 7th Feb 18, 6:43 PM
    That may be the case, but who would decide how much it will be. I want to getter a bigger house as my new partner has 2 children and when mine stay with me as well they can have a lovely home to stay in. I can make sure that when they are with me they want for nothing. I will need a bigger car for a larger family and I don't see why I should skimp so that she can stay at home for some of the week when I have to work for us all. Thanks for your input though.
    Originally posted by Mr.Grey
    Surely you want your children to "want for nothing" all the time, not just when they're with you?

    You need to engage in mediation, and you will both need to make compromises. Fail to engage and that will go against you if it ends up in court.
    • BorisThomson
    • By BorisThomson 7th Feb 18, 6:45 PM
    • 1,586 Posts
    • 3,422 Thanks
    BorisThomson
    • #7
    • 7th Feb 18, 6:45 PM
    • #7
    • 7th Feb 18, 6:45 PM
    Who will look after *your* children if your wife is out at work? Surely your payment should cover that
    Originally posted by barbarawright
    The resident parent will receive some help with childcare costs through tax credits, although that won't cover the full costs.

    What is reasonable depends on lots of factors, most of which we don't know.
    • Mr.Grey
    • By Mr.Grey 7th Feb 18, 6:56 PM
    • 11 Posts
    • 0 Thanks
    Mr.Grey
    • #8
    • 7th Feb 18, 6:56 PM
    • #8
    • 7th Feb 18, 6:56 PM
    She goes to nursery on the days she works now, if she worked the other days I would pay for her childcare, however my new partner is at present considering becoming a child-minder so that issue would be sorted, I don't think my ex would like it but that's tough.
    • seashore22
    • By seashore22 7th Feb 18, 7:19 PM
    • 1,028 Posts
    • 2,248 Thanks
    seashore22
    • #9
    • 7th Feb 18, 7:19 PM
    • #9
    • 7th Feb 18, 7:19 PM
    I'm just going to come out and say it - can't imagine why you're getting divorced. You sound delightful.
    • theguru
    • By theguru 7th Feb 18, 7:21 PM
    • 626 Posts
    • 383 Thanks
    theguru
    Mr Grey, you won!!!8217;t get a balanced discussion on here with regards to divorce...
    It can be very one sided the UK divorce laws, I!!!8217;m with you, spousal maintenance is a disgrace and can be expensive if your partner plays the system right.
    • Mr.Grey
    • By Mr.Grey 7th Feb 18, 7:29 PM
    • 11 Posts
    • 0 Thanks
    Mr.Grey
    Mr Grey, you won!!!8217;t get a balanced discussion on here with regards to divorce...
    It can be very one sided the UK divorce laws, I!!!8217;m with you, spousal maintenance is a disgrace and can be expensive if your partner plays the system right.
    Originally posted by theguru
    ?????? What do you mean by "8217"
    • elsien
    • By elsien 7th Feb 18, 7:33 PM
    • 16,519 Posts
    • 41,692 Thanks
    elsien
    Just because her solicitor is requesting it doesn't mean she would be awarded it. That's why you have your own solicitor - what advice have they given you?
    You're going to have to try mediation before taking it to court though. A refusal to do so will be held against you.
    Is there agreement on other areas such as pension, child maintenance etc? Could you agree a lump sum instead. How long does she want spousal maintenance for - if agreed it would generally be time limited.

    If both people have moved on and have new partners, and the ex is in work so doesn't need time to retrain/learn new skills then wanting spousal maintenance doesn't seem entirely neccessary.
    All shall be well, and all shall be well, and all manner of things shall be well.

    Pedant alert - it's could have, not could of.
    • elsien
    • By elsien 7th Feb 18, 7:35 PM
    • 16,519 Posts
    • 41,692 Thanks
    elsien
    ?????? What do you mean by "8217"
    Originally posted by Mr.Grey
    Forum glitch - it's replacing apostrophes with numbers for some people.
    All shall be well, and all shall be well, and all manner of things shall be well.

    Pedant alert - it's could have, not could of.
    • thorsoak
    • By thorsoak 7th Feb 18, 7:35 PM
    • 5,662 Posts
    • 25,939 Thanks
    thorsoak
    That may be the case, but who would decide how much it will be. I want to getter a bigger house as my new partner has 2 children and when mine stay with me as well they can have a lovely home to stay in. I can make sure that when they are with me they want for nothing. I will need a bigger car for a larger family and I don't see why I should skimp so that she can stay at home for some of the week when I have to work for us all. Thanks for your input though.
    Originally posted by Mr.Grey
    So your new partner has two children ....is she receiving child maintenance for them from their father? Has your ex-wife also got a new partner? It doesn't sound like it.

    You do sound extremely bitter - and as you have moved on, I fail to see why you are so. And your comment "I want to get a bigger house" brings to mind a comment that my mother would use to us - which is "I want doesn't get"!.
    • elsien
    • By elsien 7th Feb 18, 7:48 PM
    • 16,519 Posts
    • 41,692 Thanks
    elsien
    OPs wife also has a new partner, if I've read the first post right.

    Going to court will cost you. You need to work out whether forking out court costs for the sake of standing on a principle/digging your heels in is worth the cost in the long run, both financially and in terms of your relationship with your ex because you still have children together.
    Both of you need to compromise unless one is being completely unreasonable. And sometimes then, if it's easier on balance to walk away. So give mediation a proper go and see where it gets you.
    All shall be well, and all shall be well, and all manner of things shall be well.

    Pedant alert - it's could have, not could of.
    • seashore22
    • By seashore22 7th Feb 18, 7:52 PM
    • 1,028 Posts
    • 2,248 Thanks
    seashore22
    The op thanked me for my post.
    • Mr.Grey
    • By Mr.Grey 7th Feb 18, 7:52 PM
    • 11 Posts
    • 0 Thanks
    Mr.Grey
    No my current partner doesn't get money, she had a settlement, which we want to use to buy a big house. She is NOT having any of my pension, I am allowing 50/50 on the sale of the house,, that's all. She does have a new partner, but they don't live together, she say's she doesn't want to rush into that. I don't allow him in the house as I pay the mortgage even though it's jointly owned. She stays with him when I have the kids.
    My solicitor says I can refuse spousal maintenance and make her take me to court, I don't see the point of mediation as I am not agreeing to anything other than access and house sale.
    • Mr.Grey
    • By Mr.Grey 7th Feb 18, 7:54 PM
    • 11 Posts
    • 0 Thanks
    Mr.Grey
    The op thanked me for my post.
    Originally posted by seashore22
    I was being sarcastic!
    • seashore22
    • By seashore22 7th Feb 18, 7:59 PM
    • 1,028 Posts
    • 2,248 Thanks
    seashore22
    Mr Grey, you won!!!8217;t get a balanced discussion on here with regards to divorce...
    It can be very one sided the UK divorce laws, I!!!8217;m with you, spousal maintenance is a disgrace and can be expensive if your partner plays the system right.
    Originally posted by theguru
    Speaking for myself any negative posts the op gets are purely down to his attitude to his (ex) wife. He needs a big house and to play lord bountiful to his children while his wife gets the daily grind of trying to cope on a small wage and possibly benefits.

    As another poster said it's sad when two people, who were presumably in love and had nearly a decade together and two small children, are reduced to talking about each other like this.
    • Mupette
    • By Mupette 7th Feb 18, 7:59 PM
    • 4,255 Posts
    • 6,945 Thanks
    Mupette
    No my current partner doesn't get money, she had a settlement, which we want to use to buy a big house. She is NOT having any of my pension, I am allowing 50/50 on the sale of the house,, that's all. She does have a new partner, but they don't live together, she say's she doesn't want to rush into that. I don't allow him in the house as I pay the mortgage even though it's jointly owned. She stays with him when I have the kids.
    My solicitor says I can refuse spousal maintenance and make her take me to court, I don't see the point of mediation as I am not agreeing to anything other than access and house sale.
    Originally posted by Mr.Grey
    If your ex wife has asked for mediation and you flatly refuse, I do believe she can take you to the cleaners.

    Did your ex wife take a new lover whilst married to you? Think this is a reason for your nastiness, you sound like my ex husband, i didn't take a lover, i just asked for a divorce because i refused to be his punchbag anymore, we have 1 child, when he moved out he took everything, left a microwave for me to heat meals for our son, all because i fell out of love with a bully.

    GNU
    Terry Pratchett
    ((((Ripples))))

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