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  • FIRST POST
    • dekaspace
    • By dekaspace 5th Feb 18, 7:58 PM
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    dekaspace
    What would you do about neighbour I have suspicion
    • #1
    • 5th Feb 18, 7:58 PM
    What would you do about neighbour I have suspicion 5th Feb 18 at 7:58 PM
    Not sure if this is best board but as they are neighbour thought I would give it a try.

    In the 14 months I have lived here, have flare ups of very extreme noise, last Easter I politely spoke to neighbour who explained she does shift work, she had a religious festival on and that was why I had 18 HOURS of noise including admitting there was 20 kids in bedroom playing all that time. She told me the regular noise was that she did shift work and her husband babysat the kids she tried shifting the blame and said it was the couple above her that was making the noise, and confusing and contradictory statements admitting guilt then saying it was neighbours or her visitors kids and the "kids will be kids" line

    It calmed a little and then over summer near went silent apart from when they came back from day trips for about 15-30 minutes so tolerable.

    Escalated again after summer especially at weekends, she ignored me knocking on door until I got council involved a few weeks before Christmas and they posted a letter through her door a few days after New Year, and she came to my door and apologised but then changed her stories, the man she used to claim was her husband now became the "babysitter" and the noise from him was because he is deaf in one ear and speaks loud because of that and walks heavier, and as before blaming neighbours, and her own friends kids, and what sounded like sympathy story telling me she is single mother, and at same time telling me she is "babysitting" a newborn puppy (that just so happened to be given to her Christmas Eve)


    All goes quiet for 3 weeks then every night for past 8 days is noisy and she had a birthday party Saturday night that finished at 4.30am, and I hear dog barking a few times over weekend, and what sounds like pacing about and walking into furniture, been in severe stress for past for days and tonight went up to her flat, knocked on door and child voice said something, then when I didn't answer a loud male voice said the same thing (either who is it, or come in)

    I go back downstairs and she is walking in as I get to bottom I speak to her and she confuses again shifting blame onto her neighbours, or her friends kids but now saying things like I can't be hearing dog barking, and her babysitter is female, and the screaming I heard multiple times earlier is her female friend who likes to drink heavy (yet shes the babysitter!!) and the male voice I hear is the flat above hers. then backtracking one moment admitting the noise like having a party then claiming that night was working night shift, then admitting party again, then saying night shift.

    But hold on when I knocked on her door it was a adult male voice that was behind the door!!!

    And the first time I spoke to her she told me she was Italian, 2nd time she said she was Polish, this time she said she was Polish but then in same conversation said she was Italian and now she also says the reason why she still has dog (without me even asking her) is her Polish friend has decided to stay in Poland and not come back, big coincidence!

    After she went back in, now its silence as if a miracle and the voices are like whispers!

    Am I being treated like a mug?

    And either way I am suspicious of the husband/babysitter/invisible man as maybe shes doing some form of benefit fraud?! If so what would you do?!

    Its a council property in Scotland by the way, and laminate and pets/dogs are banned.

    And if anyone things I am a soft touch, I am a autistic male, with mental health problems and severe anxiety.
Page 1
    • deannatrois
    • By deannatrois 5th Feb 18, 9:06 PM
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    deannatrois
    • #2
    • 5th Feb 18, 9:06 PM
    • #2
    • 5th Feb 18, 9:06 PM
    I suspect all you can do is make noise complaints as you have done. You don't know if she is claiming benefits, you don't know her circumstances from her confusing story. She's not making you a mug, you are taking it too personally. Why should she want to? She is probably bending a rule or two, but not trying to make a mug out of you. Who knows, maybe she needs help of some kind. Can't say either way, neither can you really.

    It doesn't seem long since you moved., I was surprised to hear its been 14 months lol. Not disputing that, just amazed how time flies lol.
    Last edited by deannatrois; 05-02-2018 at 9:11 PM.
    • dekaspace
    • By dekaspace 5th Feb 18, 9:09 PM
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    dekaspace
    • #3
    • 5th Feb 18, 9:09 PM
    • #3
    • 5th Feb 18, 9:09 PM
    Well her contradictory statements about the male, first telling me its her husband, then claiming the same man is a babysitter, then claiming her babysitters always been female.


    My other idea is subletting/lodger and hes doing babysitting as part of that (or free rent if he looks after kids) She kept trying to tell me I was mistaken as theres never a man in there, even for the party she claimed it was just her and female friends (but I heard loud male laughter)

    Why is she so insistent she never has a male guest/friend round unless theres something to hide

    Also seeing if anyone else thought she was lying/taking me for a mug
    • deannatrois
    • By deannatrois 5th Feb 18, 9:15 PM
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    deannatrois
    • #4
    • 5th Feb 18, 9:15 PM
    • #4
    • 5th Feb 18, 9:15 PM
    I know this is in danger of sounding rude, but its probably to avoid suspicious looks from nosey neighbours lol. I know when my ex comes round I am always very very anxious to explain to people who he is and that he doesn't live with me /has his own place to ward off any problems. You don't know the male voice is living there.

    I have actually had to tell him to only come round once a week to avoid awkward questions so I now miss out on a lot of company and support (I have no other friends) because I was getting so anxious about it and he doesn't see his son much.

    We can't possibly know if the neighbour is lying, just no way to give a helpful response. I certainly wouldn't. It would be irresponsible.
    Last edited by deannatrois; 05-02-2018 at 9:19 PM.
    • HampshireH
    • By HampshireH 5th Feb 18, 9:16 PM
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    HampshireH
    • #5
    • 5th Feb 18, 9:16 PM
    • #5
    • 5th Feb 18, 9:16 PM
    To be honest whether she has a man woman or alien there it's none of your business.

    Keep diary sheets, send them to the council and ask if the do sound monitoring equipment which can be installed

    Clearly talking isn't working.
    • TBagpuss
    • By TBagpuss 5th Feb 18, 9:19 PM
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    TBagpuss
    • #6
    • 5th Feb 18, 9:19 PM
    • #6
    • 5th Feb 18, 9:19 PM
    It's none of your business whether or why she has a man there. It could be a simple as her being in the habit of denying he is there because they are not married, and her famiy would disapprove so she is the habit of denying it!

    Stick to what directly affects you. If there is noise, ask her to keep it down, and if that doesn't work, report the noise.

    If dogs are not allowed and there are problems caused by the dog, such as lots of barking, or smells, then report that.

    Lots of people behave in illogical ways - so she may simply say that there's no man there because the noise you've complained about was a man's voice, and she hopes that that might make the complaint go away. The fact that it is obvious *to you* that that won't work doesn't mean that it is equally obvious to her, and ultimately it doesn't make any difference to how you deal with the issue.
    • Detroit
    • By Detroit 5th Feb 18, 9:32 PM
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    Detroit
    • #7
    • 5th Feb 18, 9:32 PM
    • #7
    • 5th Feb 18, 9:32 PM
    I think you need to focus on just the one part of this, the only part that really matters, which is the noise.

    Your neighbours nationality,living arrangements, and truthfulness are not really relevant to the problem of the noise.

    The childcare arrangements need only concern you if you have reason to think the children are in danger. The other things don't need to concern you at all.

    By thinking too much about these irrelevant aspects, you will become distracted from trying to resolve the problem.

    Also, if you need to contact the authorities, and you talk about these other things, your complaint may not be as clear as it could be, and may be taken less seriously.

    There's lots of advice on dealing with noise problems online, but it nearly always starts with politely approaching the neighbour.

    When you've done this, it's worked for a while, so maybe she genuinely doesn't realise the extent of the noise, and you may need to politely mention it to her whenever it's an issue.

    It's also a good idea also to keep a diary of the noise, when it starts, what sort of noise it is is, and how long it lasts.


    Put your hands up.
    • dekaspace
    • By dekaspace 5th Feb 18, 9:46 PM
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    dekaspace
    • #8
    • 5th Feb 18, 9:46 PM
    • #8
    • 5th Feb 18, 9:46 PM
    It's none of your business whether or why she has a man there. It could be a simple as her being in the habit of denying he is there because they are not married, and her famiy would disapprove so she is the habit of denying it!

    Stick to what directly affects you. If there is noise, ask her to keep it down, and if that doesn't work, report the noise.

    If dogs are not allowed and there are problems caused by the dog, such as lots of barking, or smells, then report that.

    Lots of people behave in illogical ways - so she may simply say that there's no man there because the noise you've complained about was a man's voice, and she hopes that that might make the complaint go away. The fact that it is obvious *to you* that that won't work doesn't mean that it is equally obvious to her, and ultimately it doesn't make any difference to how you deal with the issue.
    Originally posted by TBagpuss

    And I don't care why she has a man there, but if shes denying that and lying about other things it seems that somethings being hidden, It was her who first told me it was her husband who looked after the kids, and on seperate occasion saying the same man was a babysitter, now denying the man even exists.


    I didn't specially complain about male noise I said I heard running about and dog and a male voice, she also denied the dog was making noise too (but then contradicts that saying the babysitter plays with the dog and kids) if I take her words at face value then she has no babysitter as she keeps saying there can't be noise as shes at work, but considering shes always at "work" then someone must be looking after the kids


    I mean I can't get my head round that, "the noise you hear can't be from my flat as the times mentioned I was at work" so that to me implies in some form she has no babysitter, she even did that for the noise today, I said I heard walking about and she goes "I was at the shops" but then who was looking after the children? I mention oh it must be babysitter then and get told something so confusing which comes across as she doesn't have babysitter.


    None of what she says makes any sense, I don't care her living arrangements as long as Im not kept awake to hours like 4am by guests.


    Her family doesn't even live in the UK so its not like I can tell anyone, and even so why deny there was men at her party, or men that come round with their partners at weekend to visit her (which she has admitted in past) she seems to be sidetracking having male visitors of any kind.
    • glasgowdan
    • By glasgowdan 5th Feb 18, 9:51 PM
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    glasgowdan
    • #9
    • 5th Feb 18, 9:51 PM
    • #9
    • 5th Feb 18, 9:51 PM
    Stop focussing on her life. It doesn't matter if they are hiding something from you. They don't have to tell you the ins and outs of their lives. It doesn't have to make sense to you. It doesn't matter if she sidetracks, or changes her story.

    The ONLY thing that should concern you is the noise levels... so keep a diary of it, recordings, describe the severity and go to the council. You're not getting anywhere speaking to them so I would stop it.
    Last edited by glasgowdan; 05-02-2018 at 9:59 PM.
    • deannatrois
    • By deannatrois 5th Feb 18, 9:51 PM
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    deannatrois
    OP.., you have been on this board a while. You have had problems with neighbours in the past. So have I. I have learned to keep my head to the ground although I never had the capacity to deal with my own life AND worry about how other people were living theirs lol. I have enough stress, thank you lol.

    You have asked for advice on what you should do and all answers are saying leave it, report your main concern, leave the rest.

    Try to see that you don't have to 'wrap your head around' it. What she does, other than make noise is just not your concern. That's the only thing that affects you. She could be having swinging parties, she could have multiple partners of both sexes of multiple nationalities (not for a minute suggesting she is). You don't know she is in receipt of benefits so no idea if she is committing fraud, you don't know where she comes from or her immigration status if she has one. All this is none of your concern unless she makes noise that affects you. You don't have to understand her or judge her. You just need to concentrate on the noise problem.
    Last edited by deannatrois; 05-02-2018 at 9:56 PM.
    • PasturesNew
    • By PasturesNew 5th Feb 18, 9:54 PM
    • 62,185 Posts
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    PasturesNew
    You have to make a list of the problems, then stare at it and think hard to yourself "what is THE item here that is measurable, against regulations/wrong - and is important enough to hit somebody's button so they do something about it".

    If you cloud it with lots of stuff then the actionable item gets lost in the noise.

    Work out the ONE, single, item that can get her into the most trouble, most easily, by being able to clearly communicate that one item repeatedly, with collected measurable evidence.

    It's the only way "the system" seems to hear.

    I know that with autism it all gets overwhelming and you can't see the wood for the trees, so you end up describing the entire forest .... so your job is to work out the ONE item to focus on .... that is serious enough to be a breach of something that somebody in authority cares about.

    If there are 2-3 majors .... then you can cover those too, but only if they're not watering down what you're trying to achieve.

    Too much information and the system can't handle it .... keep it simple for the system; the system is neuro typical ...
    • dekaspace
    • By dekaspace 5th Feb 18, 10:02 PM
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    dekaspace
    Stop being so nosey. It doesn't matter if they are hiding something from you. They don't have to tell you the ins and outs of their lives. It doesn't have to make sense to you. It doesn't matter if she sidetracks, or changes her story.

    The ONLY thing that should concern you is the noise levels... so keep a diary of it, recordings, describe the severity and go to the council. You're not getting anywhere speaking to them so I would stop it.
    Originally posted by glasgowdan

    Im not being nosey, rude attitude there I already said I don't care about her personal situation.


    What I care about is the noise, the noise which she is acting like isn't happening and sounds like a portion of it is due to noise, so if you count that as "nosey" then im just wanting the noise to stop/get to a reasonable level if the noise is created by a male, and shes claiming the male doesn't exist in order to act like the noise doesn't exist thats the only way I "care" or am "nosey" I don't care if its a male or female, adult or child or even human noise I notice you didn't mention what I said about the dog, because you can't use that to imply anything.

    Please tell me where in your perfect wisdom you get the assumption that I think they should tell me the ins and outs of their life?

    So I guess I have to log the barking as "generic noise" or the kids running and laughing as "generic noise" or am I not allowed to be ageist or discriminate against animals?

    And by the way I am keeping a diary


    EDIT the overall point was by her acting like she has no male guests it feels like she is saying I am in the wrong, even more so than the idea she has something to hide shes just trying to make me challenge my own sanity so to speak, its very unlikely she ever gets a male guest as her friends have partners so it feels she is lying to my face and insulting my intelligence.
    Last edited by dekaspace; 05-02-2018 at 10:07 PM.
    • Cakeguts
    • By Cakeguts 5th Feb 18, 10:29 PM
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    Cakeguts
    Im not being nosey, rude attitude there I already said I don't care about her personal situation.


    What I care about is the noise, the noise which she is acting like isn't happening and sounds like a portion of it is due to noise, so if you count that as "nosey" then im just wanting the noise to stop/get to a reasonable level if the noise is created by a male, and shes claiming the male doesn't exist in order to act like the noise doesn't exist thats the only way I "care" or am "nosey" I don't care if its a male or female, adult or child or even human noise I notice you didn't mention what I said about the dog, because you can't use that to imply anything.

    Please tell me where in your perfect wisdom you get the assumption that I think they should tell me the ins and outs of their life?

    So I guess I have to log the barking as "generic noise" or the kids running and laughing as "generic noise" or am I not allowed to be ageist or discriminate against animals?

    And by the way I am keeping a diary


    EDIT the overall point was by her acting like she has no male guests it feels like she is saying I am in the wrong, even more so than the idea she has something to hide shes just trying to make me challenge my own sanity so to speak, its very unlikely she ever gets a male guest as her friends have partners so it feels she is lying to my face and insulting my intelligence.
    Originally posted by dekaspace
    I know that some people tell you things that you know can't be right but I have found over the years that the best thing to do is to just accept it and focus on what you want to do. The not right stuff will come out eventually probably when she least expects it. You don't need to do anything about that.

    Focus on what you want. You want whoever lives in that flat to be quieter.

    So keep a diary of the noise. If you can hear a dog barking record that and if possible record it with the date that it happened. Try to concentrate on the barking dog as a noise that shouldn't be there rather than the fact that she has got a dog when she shouldn't have.

    How she lives her life or how many men she has in the flat is not the important bit. The important bit is how much noise all those people make. Record the noise levels not who is making it.
    • Davesnave
    • By Davesnave 6th Feb 18, 3:46 AM
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    Davesnave
    Got to say, this thread is a credit to most of those who have answered so far.
    'A society grows great when old men plant trees whose shade they'll never sit in.'
    • LandyAndy
    • By LandyAndy 6th Feb 18, 8:43 AM
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    LandyAndy
    Got to say, this thread is a credit to most of those who have answered so far.
    Originally posted by Davesnave

    There is a reason for that but it would be unwise to explain it.
    • csgohan4
    • By csgohan4 6th Feb 18, 9:13 AM
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    csgohan4
    You can't control your neighbour or her occupants, but you can control what you do about it, reporting it to the council.


    Whether she has guests or children or lies to you is none of your concern, it is not illegal to do so is it, but the noise on the other hand?
    "It is prudent when shopping for something important, not to limit yourself to Pound land"
    • Comms69
    • By Comms69 6th Feb 18, 9:47 AM
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    • 2,936 Thanks
    Comms69
    Not sure if this is best board but as they are neighbour thought I would give it a try.

    In the 14 months I have lived here, have flare ups of very extreme noise, last Easter I politely spoke to neighbour who explained she does shift work, she had a religious festival on and that was why I had 18 HOURS of noise including admitting there was 20 kids in bedroom playing all that time. She told me the regular noise was that she did shift work and her husband babysat the kids she tried shifting the blame and said it was the couple above her that was making the noise, and confusing and contradictory statements admitting guilt then saying it was neighbours or her visitors kids and the "kids will be kids" line

    It calmed a little and then over summer near went silent apart from when they came back from day trips for about 15-30 minutes so tolerable.

    Escalated again after summer especially at weekends, she ignored me knocking on door until I got council involved a few weeks before Christmas and they posted a letter through her door a few days after New Year, and she came to my door and apologised but then changed her stories, the man she used to claim was her husband now became the "babysitter" and the noise from him was because he is deaf in one ear and speaks loud because of that and walks heavier, and as before blaming neighbours, and her own friends kids, and what sounded like sympathy story telling me she is single mother, and at same time telling me she is "babysitting" a newborn puppy (that just so happened to be given to her Christmas Eve)


    All goes quiet for 3 weeks then every night for past 8 days is noisy and she had a birthday party Saturday night that finished at 4.30am, and I hear dog barking a few times over weekend, and what sounds like pacing about and walking into furniture, been in severe stress for past for days and tonight went up to her flat, knocked on door and child voice said something, then when I didn't answer a loud male voice said the same thing (either who is it, or come in)

    I go back downstairs and she is walking in as I get to bottom I speak to her and she confuses again shifting blame onto her neighbours, or her friends kids but now saying things like I can't be hearing dog barking, and her babysitter is female, and the screaming I heard multiple times earlier is her female friend who likes to drink heavy (yet shes the babysitter!!) and the male voice I hear is the flat above hers. then backtracking one moment admitting the noise like having a party then claiming that night was working night shift, then admitting party again, then saying night shift.

    But hold on when I knocked on her door it was a adult male voice that was behind the door!!!

    And the first time I spoke to her she told me she was Italian, 2nd time she said she was Polish, this time she said she was Polish but then in same conversation said she was Italian and now she also says the reason why she still has dog (without me even asking her) is her Polish friend has decided to stay in Poland and not come back, big coincidence!

    After she went back in, now its silence as if a miracle and the voices are like whispers!

    Am I being treated like a mug?

    And either way I am suspicious of the husband/babysitter/invisible man as maybe shes doing some form of benefit fraud?! If so what would you do?!

    Its a council property in Scotland by the way, and laminate and pets/dogs are banned.

    And if anyone things I am a soft touch, I am a autistic male, with mental health problems and severe anxiety.
    Originally posted by dekaspace
    I think you need to find somewhere more isolated to live, you're making life as difficult for your neighbours as they are for you
    • Comms69
    • By Comms69 6th Feb 18, 9:49 AM
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    Comms69
    I know this is in danger of sounding rude, but its probably to avoid suspicious looks from nosey neighbours lol. I know when my ex comes round I am always very very anxious to explain to people who he is and that he doesn't live with me /has his own place to ward off any problems. You don't know the male voice is living there.

    I have actually had to tell him to only come round once a week to avoid awkward questions so I now miss out on a lot of company and support (I have no other friends) because I was getting so anxious about it and he doesn't see his son much.

    We can't possibly know if the neighbour is lying, just no way to give a helpful response. I certainly wouldn't. It would be irresponsible.
    Originally posted by deannatrois
    Just FYI it makes no difference if he comes round 1 time or 7 times. the test for him living there isn't the frequency of his visits (nor if he sleeps there)
    • Norman Castle
    • By Norman Castle 6th Feb 18, 10:01 AM
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    Norman Castle
    EDIT the overall point was by her acting like she has no male guests it feels like she is saying I am in the wrong, even more so than the idea she has something to hide shes just trying to make me challenge my own sanity so to speak, its very unlikely she ever gets a male guest as her friends have partners so it feels she is lying to my face and insulting my intelligence.
    If she is lying to you its because you've asked questions she doesn't want to give honest answers to, not to trick you or question your intelligence. I suspect she would prefer you didn't ask.
    If noise is a problem and she is breaking benefit or housing rules she is likely to be quieter to prevent further problems.
    I've had benefit fraud neighbours and neighbours growing cannabis, doubtful they would admit to me what they were doing. Some people have secrets, don't be insulted if they don't share them with you.
    Don't harass a hippie. You'll get bad karma.

    Never trust a newbie with a rtb tale.
    • Norman Castle
    • By Norman Castle 6th Feb 18, 10:11 AM
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    • 5,601 Thanks
    Norman Castle
    I know when my ex comes round I am always very very anxious to explain to people who he is and that he doesn't live with me /has his own place to ward off any problems.

    I have actually had to tell him to only come round once a week to avoid awkward questions so I now miss out on a lot of company and support (I have no other friends) because I was getting so anxious about it and he doesn't see his son much.
    Originally posted by deannatrois
    Are you worried about benefit agencies or landlords assuming he is living there? There is no reason he cannot visit every day. If you're still unsure explain your worries to whoever you are concerned about and ask how often he can visit.
    Last edited by Norman Castle; 06-02-2018 at 3:55 PM.
    Don't harass a hippie. You'll get bad karma.

    Never trust a newbie with a rtb tale.
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