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    • moneysaverz83
    • By moneysaverz83 30th Jan 18, 12:11 PM
    • 49Posts
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    moneysaverz83
    Unsolicited message?
    • #1
    • 30th Jan 18, 12:11 PM
    Unsolicited message? 30th Jan 18 at 12:11 PM
    I was after some yay/nay advice please.

    I've been to a monthly creative evening class the last couple months. It's advertised on FB and elsewhere, though I'm pretty Private so I don't mark myself as attending as I believe that gets on the newsfeed?

    I go because I enjoy it. Also, I'm single, so if I met someone there like minded, great especially as I can initially be reserved.

    Last time, I was sat next to a nice girl and we exchanged a few words.

    There was someone who really caught my eye further up the table and I caught her looking at me quite a bit and smiled. She was there with a female friend.

    Of course, she could be thinking 'whos that ugly chap there', but hopefully it wasn't that.

    I noticed she was down as attending the last event, but not the one in under a couple weeks.

    So if she goes, I would be interested in chatting to her.

    If she doesn't, would it be odd dropping her a quick/friendly massage via FB?

    I mean, she could either not like me, not be single, etc... but nothing ventured?
Page 2
    • unholyangel
    • By unholyangel 30th Jan 18, 5:09 PM
    • 12,155 Posts
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    unholyangel
    OP I'm going to give you a slightly different view.

    I used to smile and be nice to strangers. Now I'm very wary of being nice to strange men because experience has taught me that many of them mistake the act of simply being nice as having a romantic interest in them.

    I'd also be concerned if someone who had only glanced my way went to the trouble of finding out my name and tracked me down on social media. To me its the difference between talking to someone you like at a pub and following them home and peering through the curtains.

    However I appreciate my views may be tainted by the disturbing experiences I've had so I'm more likely to see it in a bad light.
    Money doesn't solve poverty.....it creates it.
    • Red-Squirrel
    • By Red-Squirrel 30th Jan 18, 5:30 PM
    • 2,570 Posts
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    Red-Squirrel
    Thanks guys! Seems like fors and against both ways. I'm not going to speculate, will see what happens in the next couple weeks.
    Originally posted by moneysaverz83
    I don't think its a good idea for you to facebook stalk and message her before you've actually spoken in person.

    She'd probably just block you.
    Last edited by Red-Squirrel; 30-01-2018 at 5:38 PM.
    • hazyjo
    • By hazyjo 30th Jan 18, 5:37 PM
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    hazyjo

    - I'm not asking advice if I should chat to someone. I'm asking if I should drop someone an online message to someone I've never spoken to and may not cross paths with again.


    Nope - definitely not. If she was keen, she would be going back to the class.

    - if she doesn't know I'm going as I don't mark myself as attending officially, then she may or may not go


    Then 'mark yourself' as attending (no idea what that is - an online register type thing? Just say you're going and go).

    - I'm not intending on 'adding' anyone. It's more: should I message X because I quite liked them, and the feeling may possibly slightly be mutual, especially if I may not cross with them next time (of course, will wait til next time, which happens to be around Valentine's, so maybe next time+few days)
    Originally posted by moneysaverz83

    Messaging them, adding them - same level of creepiness in my book. Definitely not. If someone did that to me, I would think it was incredibly stalkerish (as mentioned above) or my BF would want to know what I'd been doing/saying to make them think I liked them enough to approach me! Very awkward if I'm there going 'I've not even spoken to the bloke!'. Again, just weird.

    I don't think it is a good idea for you to facebook stalk and message her before you've actually spoken in person.

    She's probably just block you.
    Originally posted by Red-Squirrel
    Definitely.
    2018 wins: Single Malt Whisky; theatre tickets; festival tickets; year of gin!
    • Diamandis
    • By Diamandis 30th Jan 18, 5:53 PM
    • 262 Posts
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    Diamandis
    I definitely wouldn't message her. That could come across a bit creepy as you've never spoken to her.

    If she likes you that much then she is likely to come back. You may be reading something into nothing here though.
    • NeilCr
    • By NeilCr 30th Jan 18, 6:17 PM
    • 1,549 Posts
    • 2,033 Thanks
    NeilCr
    I!!!8217;m in the don!!!8217;t message her group

    However. I!!!8217;m not sure how old you are. I suspect that the majority of us are in a more senior age band than you so may have a different take on communications than those bought up in the social media era.

    I assume from the !!!8220;say you are going!!!8221; FB Page that it is a simple matter for you to know her name. So, it would appear that you wouldn!!!8217;t have had to dig to find her.

    I still, personally, don!!!8217;t think you should but, if you do do keep it very neutral. Waiting and seeing if she attends again is good.

    I!!!8217;d also echo the comments about not reading too much into a smile. In my experience men can be pretty rubbish at reading signals - and I know people who have had the same type of experiences as unholyangel.
    • Fireflyaway
    • By Fireflyaway 30th Jan 18, 6:24 PM
    • 1,669 Posts
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    Fireflyaway
    I don't do Facebook etc but I'd find it creepy if someone I didn't know spent time finding me online and messaged me after a few smiles! I'd probably stop going to the class for a start.
    If there is time to chat at break / after the class have a casual chat then.
    I agree with unholyangel. Smiles can be misinterpreted. It could just be politeness.
    • rach_k
    • By rach_k 30th Jan 18, 7:00 PM
    • 1,201 Posts
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    rach_k
    I do think there's a generational thing going on - I wouldn't find it creepy for somebody to find my Facebook page from an event. That's kind of what it's for, isn't it, to see who else is going and have a nosy at their public profiles?!

    OP, it sounds like you don't like using Facebook much but you could post a comment or two on the event's page. If your profile is pretty locked down, only what you post on the event would be viewable to the public. If she might like you too, you might find she replies and then you have a conversation started.
    • Red-Squirrel
    • By Red-Squirrel 30th Jan 18, 8:05 PM
    • 2,570 Posts
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    Red-Squirrel
    I do think there's a generational thing going on - I wouldn't find it creepy for somebody to find my Facebook page from an event. That's kind of what it's for, isn't it, to see who else is going and have a nosy at their public profiles?!
    Originally posted by rach_k
    I'm not that old, only mid thirties! I find it really creepy when I get a totally unsolicited message saying something like 'Hey you're really pretty would love to chat!' Its just an instant block.
    • Detroit
    • By Detroit 30th Jan 18, 8:24 PM
    • 748 Posts
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    Detroit
    Are you considered attractive OP?

    Do women usually tend to respond positively to you on the basis of your appearance alone?

    If not, it may be safer to assume she was just being friendly and not message her until she's had time to get to know, and hopefully like, you.


    Put your hands up.
    • goodwithsaving
    • By goodwithsaving 30th Jan 18, 9:08 PM
    • 814 Posts
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    goodwithsaving
    Iím in the donít message her group

    However. Iím not sure how old you are. I suspect that the majority of us are in a more senior age band than you so may have a different take on communications than those bought up in the social media era.
    Originally posted by NeilCr
    Nope- I'm not senior and I'd find it weird and block the person! Especially if I'd never even spoken to them.
    Every time you borrow money, youíre robbing your future self. ĖNathan W. Morris
    • gycraig
    • By gycraig 31st Jan 18, 8:35 AM
    • 428 Posts
    • 315 Thanks
    gycraig
    How old are you ? In the modern era of tinder plenty of fish etc This is a perfectly normal thing now.

    Chuck her a Facebook add, and leave it if she accepts pm her if she doesnít just move on
    • rach_k
    • By rach_k 31st Jan 18, 9:15 AM
    • 1,201 Posts
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    rach_k
    I'm not that old, only mid thirties! I find it really creepy when I get a totally unsolicited message saying something like 'Hey you're really pretty would love to chat!' Its just an instant block.
    Originally posted by Red-Squirrel
    He's not a total stranger though, they've been to the same event and obviously share an interest. A message about her looks would be creepy, I agree, but a quick message about seeing her at the event and hoping to see her next time wouldn't seem creepy to me (possibly a bit weird though, which is why I'd suggest posting in the event group first and hoping she replies).
    • Red-Squirrel
    • By Red-Squirrel 31st Jan 18, 11:31 AM
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    Red-Squirrel
    He's not a total stranger though, they've been to the same event and obviously share an interest. A message about her looks would be creepy, I agree, but a quick message about seeing her at the event and hoping to see her next time wouldn't seem creepy to me (possibly a bit weird though, which is why I'd suggest posting in the event group first and hoping she replies).
    Originally posted by rach_k
    They haven't exchanged a word though, he only knows what she looks like. If they'd said hello and introduced themselves it wouldn't be creepy.
    • SuperPikachu
    • By SuperPikachu 31st Jan 18, 11:39 AM
    • 127 Posts
    • 164 Thanks
    SuperPikachu
    OP I'm going to give you a slightly different view.

    I used to smile and be nice to strangers. Now I'm very wary of being nice to strange men because experience has taught me that many of them mistake the act of simply being nice as having a romantic interest in them.

    I'd also be concerned if someone who had only glanced my way went to the trouble of finding out my name and tracked me down on social media. To me its the difference between talking to someone you like at a pub and following them home and peering through the curtains.

    However I appreciate my views may be tainted by the disturbing experiences I've had so I'm more likely to see it in a bad light.
    Originally posted by unholyangel
    ^ I would second this. Even in our day of tinder and whatever else this is still creepy if you made no effort to talk in person to them
    "Wild Pikachu appeared!"
    • fairy lights
    • By fairy lights 31st Jan 18, 11:43 AM
    • 8,572 Posts
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    fairy lights
    They haven't exchanged a word though, he only knows what she looks like. If they'd said hello and introduced themselves it wouldn't be creepy.
    Originally posted by Red-Squirrel
    This is true, if someone I'd met and spoken to messaged me I would think they were being friendly. If a man I'd only ever made fleeting eye contact with and knew nothing about messaged me I'd assume they were trying to get in to my pants or harvest my kidneys, or at very least were a bit socially inept.
    • hazyjo
    • By hazyjo 31st Jan 18, 1:51 PM
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    hazyjo
    I get the whole 'modern day thing' where people message strangers they find attractive. Whether it's some random they've stumbled on, or whether it's a friend of a friend of a friend or whatever.


    But for the OP to have actually seen her and smiled at her and consciously gone searching for her to send her a message - nah it's not romantic, it's creepy. Maybe in 6 months time it wouldn't look quite so creepy, but not when he's hoping to see her at another class.


    If you message her and she doesn't reply, you'll (a) wonder if she got the message, (b) not know if she's ignoring you - maybe someone else got to it first, or (c) not know if you've blown it and not be able to then approach her at a class. Can you imagine messaging her and not getting a reply - would you say 'did you get my message?' or would you just avoid her? If you're going to ask her that, just talk to the girl.
    2018 wins: Single Malt Whisky; theatre tickets; festival tickets; year of gin!
    • heavenfire
    • By heavenfire 31st Jan 18, 8:19 PM
    • 1,821 Posts
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    heavenfire
    So a woman looked at you and just because you're single and looking you have decided she must be too. Please don't send her a message yet. You havent spoken to her, you don't know if she is single or in fact interested.

    You could put her off completely from ever attending the events again and ruin what might have been something she truly enjoyed by making her feel awkward and/or uncomfortable. Speak to her. She will return to the class and continue to talk to you if she does like you
    • Poor_Single_lady
    • By Poor_Single_lady 8th Feb 18, 10:51 AM
    • 1,360 Posts
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    Poor_Single_lady
    What did you decide to do - if anything moneysaver.

    I'm a member of a sort of club which has a lot of members and people message each other on Facebook without having spoken to each other. It is part of the culture of being in the real-life group and the Facebook group. but cruicially these would be friendly messages without any sort of romance.
    It's a social group and people like meeting each other.

    I think if I was her I would prefer to talk in real life first though. But it's personal. Just hoping you got the girl.
    2017- 5 credit cards plus loan
    Overdraft And 1 credit card paid off.

    2018 plans - reduce debt
    • davidwood681
    • By davidwood681 8th Feb 18, 3:25 PM
    • 177 Posts
    • 585 Thanks
    davidwood681
    Those who say it's creepy may be right.....but I bet they wouldn't mind if a ''Brad Pit'' messaged them.

    Either way OP, do your business face to face if possible.
    If she isn't interested, walk away.
    • hazyjo
    • By hazyjo 8th Feb 18, 5:24 PM
    • 10,340 Posts
    • 13,386 Thanks
    hazyjo
    Those who say it's creepy may be right.....but I bet they wouldn't mind if a ''Brad Pit'' messaged them.
    Originally posted by davidwood681



    I'd still find it creepy! If it was a one off event, then it'd be okay and maybe flattering (although I would certainly proceed with caution - even Ted Bundy was good looking!). I think with me that it's the fact it's a regular event. Hopefully she'll go back. I know if I fancied someone there, I'd be knocking down walls to go again lol
    2018 wins: Single Malt Whisky; theatre tickets; festival tickets; year of gin!
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