Your browser isn't supported
It looks like you're using an old web browser. To get the most out of the site and to ensure guides display correctly, we suggest upgrading your browser now. Download the latest:

Welcome to the MSE Forums

We're home to a fantastic community of MoneySavers but anyone can post. Please exercise caution & report spam, illegal, offensive or libellous posts/messages: click "report" or email forumteam@.

Search
  • FIRST POST
    • Buggins
    • By Buggins 25th Jan 18, 8:49 PM
    • 313Posts
    • 218Thanks
    Buggins
    Self help thread. I am a widow coping getting on with it
    • #1
    • 25th Jan 18, 8:49 PM
    Self help thread. I am a widow coping getting on with it 25th Jan 18 at 8:49 PM
    Just wanted to put this thread on to replace the missing one. Worried that some people who have been following the old thread might really need it sometime and won't get the support they need/want. It has, and still does, help me.
Page 8
    • itsanne
    • By itsanne 5th Mar 18, 10:42 PM
    • 4,453 Posts
    • 10,508 Thanks
    itsanne
    That was a good little video itsanne.
    It's true that we all feel differently, I have lost my mum and dad 17 years ago and I remember thinking nothing can be as bad as this, but when my husband died it was worse, maybe because we expect that our parents will die before us, or because of the shock of losing him, and all our future together disappearing, I don't know.
    Originally posted by wort
    It's true that we expect our parents to die before us, especially when they become elderly, but a parent is also no longer the most important person to us. It's still very difficult when they die, but it's not 'wrong' in the way that losing a partner is. The other thing is that most of us don't live with our parents, so their physical absence isn't quite so noticeable all the time. My father died nine years ago so I thought I would have some idea of what it would be like, but I had no idea. Losing OH has been completely different, far, far harder than I could have imagined - and I had already anticipated it would be very difficult.

    I think that in addition to the loss itself, losing a partner brings a huge number of other consequences, from little things to major ones. It affects absolutely every aspect of your life and ability to function. On top of that, in every other traumatic situation your partner is there for support, but at the very time you most need it s/he is no longer there. And on top of that is the constant longing for the person lost.


    Sorry, wort, that had been intended as a continuation of what you said - I didn't set out to create something so depressing!
    . . .I did not speak out

    Then they came for me
    And there was no one left
    To speak out for me..

    Martin Niemoller
    • iris
    • By iris 6th Mar 18, 9:08 AM
    • 1,000 Posts
    • 3,386 Thanks
    iris
    Everything you say is so true itsanne.

    My husband died in September 2016 and I am finding it very hard, some days are worse than others.
    • lessonlearned
    • By lessonlearned 6th Mar 18, 11:10 AM
    • 9,969 Posts
    • 62,247 Thanks
    lessonlearned
    Hello everyone

    I have not written for a while .....for two reasons.

    1. When I!!!8217;m going through a good spell I feel positive and optimistic. Yes I still miss my husband but I feel fine and then I don!!!8217;t want to upset you all by coming on here full of good cheer. It feels inappropriate somehow when you are having a bad time.

    2. On a bad day - well let us just call it a bad day. Then I do not write because I want to avoid bringing you all down with the knowledge that the bad days can still strike after all this while

    For me it is 3 and half years and I am afraid I still have my moments of deep sadness, when I struggle to face the world and when I just want to pull the duvet over my head.

    Right now I am feeling ok but over the last few weeks there has been a series of red letter days - wedding anniversary, my husbands birthday etc and yes I felt quite low there for a while. I don!!!8217;t think last week helped when I was snowbound. Fortunately the snow is gone and I can at least get out now. Roll on spring.

    I recently read Sheila Hancock!!!8217;s book about her husbands illness and death from throat cancer. Her husband was John Thaw (Morse). It was very moving and what she had to say really resonated with me. Her descriptions of grief are the best I have ever come across. She put into words everything I had felt and could not really express. It was good to see it all in print. It sounds a strange thing to say I know but in some way I felt she validated my feelings.

    I lost my husband first, then my parents and I am afraid it used to infuriate me when people said they knew how I felt because they had lost a parent. I am sorry but they did not know how I felt.

    Having experienced both kinds of loss in such a short time frame I feel qualified to say I am sorry but losing a parent is nothing like losing a partner, no matter how much you loved your Parent and no matter how close you were. It is a whole different ball game. You don!!!8217;t just lose the person closest to you, you lose a whole way of life and you lose the future.

    As many of you have said until you lose your partner yourself you really have no idea what it is like. The only thing worse that I can think of is the thought of losing a child or grandchild. Sheila Hancock discusses this in her book too which is why I said that I found what she said in some way validated the way I felt.

    Sometimes when people said they knew how I felt I actually felt like throttling them. I knew they meant well but my reaction was often one of pure blind furry. I never showed my anger, I used to swallow my feelings, thank the person, smile and make my escape as quickly as possible without being rude.

    I was often shocked by how angry I felt and it would leave me feeling very shaken and distressed. Somehow I managed to be civilised and wait until I got home when I would just howl like an animal with anger, grief and rage all mixed together. People used to say how well I was doing........ha, if only they knew.

    But you will all know.

    As you know there is a question mark hanging over my children. Did they inherent a faulty gene and will they get the same illness my husband had. I have no idea how I would cope with that. I would probably have a cardiac arrest or a catastrophic stroke. I doubt I could hold it together. So I simply do not go there. However, the thought that one of them could succumb does lurk in the deep recesses of my mind. Every so often it surfaces and I have to metaphorically bang that door shut and and then I bolt it firmly. Otherwise I would go mad.

    Anyway. My life trundles along. Mostly it is fine although It is hard to get motivated sometimes, I still get those What is the Point moments. Even the thought of the birth of my grandchild this year does not always dispel them but again I just push those thoughts away and smile brightly for the sake of my kids.

    Today is such a day. Sunday night I hardly slept, last night I slept like a log and struggled to wake up this morning. I feel absolutely shattered today. I am afraid I really need my sleep these days. My energy levels are still low at times and a bad nights sleep can wipe me out.

    On a more positive note I have been thinking about my future. I have decided to go back to school. . I have an appointment with a local college on Thursday. A new chapter begins.........I do not know how I will cope but I have to try. I have to build a new life. Time for a leap of faith.

    Love and hugs to all.
    Last edited by lessonlearned; 06-03-2018 at 11:17 AM.
    • kittie
    • By kittie 6th Mar 18, 6:16 PM
    • 11,989 Posts
    • 75,038 Thanks
    kittie
    there is no comparison at all, none whatsoever, losing the other half is literally losing half of oneself. I too have some down times, I try not to think too much, it doesn`t help me and I have given myself various aims. Just now it is to look for and buy my own home, by myself. 3 years on for me and life feels pretty hollow if I am honest

    I am finding all this surviving on my own exhausting, it really is. The cooking, the cleaning, the house maintenance, the shopping for essentials. I am exhausted this afternoon and all my joints are aching, I do too much, started spring cleaning today as well as going to a house viewing, emptying the dishwasher, getting my meals ready. I am constantly trying to think of ways of getting around this

    I do know that when I have moved I will be getting in touch with a cleaning company to get my house cleaned top to bottom once a month, maybe a team of two. I don`t want a cleaner in on a regular basis but I know from today that really I don`t always see the dust accumulate. I will also get a window cleaner, don`t have one here as the back is inaccessible to him and he comes unexpectedly. I did the lot today but only the bathroom, en suite and main bedroom. I am shattered, slept very badly last night, had the adrenaline rush re house hunting and was also aching so badly. I took the under electric blanket off this morning, maybe the wires are making me uncomfortable. I had to toss the mattress over too, such an effort for a small person

    I will be alright, I know I will, as long as I can pursue my hobbies, potter in a garden and cut down my housework and house maintenance. This should help to preserve my bones and give me some time to be more outgoing with various groups in my new location, hopefully less than 2 miles away. At the moment I am in limbo, by myself, not liking it but doing my best to stay positive

    sigh, LL I know where you are coming from.Best not to think, just be
    Last edited by kittie; 06-03-2018 at 6:18 PM.
    • shabbychic12
    • By shabbychic12 6th Mar 18, 7:30 PM
    • 82 Posts
    • 410 Thanks
    shabbychic12
    I would say we're too hard on ourselves and sometimes bottle up our feelings putting on a brave face and my favourite saying is 'I'm fine' when l'm actually not. I find l have become fiercely independent and dont want to ask for help from anyone. I have been lucky enough to find someone to share my life but did l do this too soon? That's a question l cannot answer and l am just living for the moment. He will never replace DH and l don't want anyone to be a permanent fixture in my home l love my 'me' time and space. Plus l'm a catch financially lol and no ones getting their hands on my assets (money lol) at 50 l wasn't ready for pipe and slippers or sitting in every night but it has been very hard with lots of soul searching and l'm still not 100% sure if this is really for me. Everyone's different and what's right for one doesn't work for another but what l would say is no one every really understands what it's like to lose the love your life.
    NST April 2018: April Fools Challenge
    2018 declutter and destress.
    2018 early retirement wannabe
    Save 12k in 2018 1182/12000
    28/week on wk13 (1 a day challenge)644
    All this saving l'm turning into my Dad
    • lessonlearned
    • By lessonlearned 6th Mar 18, 9:07 PM
    • 9,969 Posts
    • 62,247 Thanks
    lessonlearned
    Shabbychic. I would say we just need to take happiness where we can find it.

    I have had two men express interest in me recently. One has become a firm friend because I just didn!!!8217;t feel any chemistry. The other one....well I am taking my time. I think there might be something, only time will tell.

    However, I know for sure I will never marry again and I doubt if I would want to live with someone on a permanent basis.

    I guess what I really want is a part time relationship.

    In the meantime I just want to rebuild my life, recapture my vitality and improve my health. My college course is a start, then move house at some point.

    But yes, Kitty is right, it is exhausting.
    Last edited by lessonlearned; 06-03-2018 at 9:16 PM.
    • shabbychic12
    • By shabbychic12 6th Mar 18, 9:53 PM
    • 82 Posts
    • 410 Thanks
    shabbychic12
    I agree as we know life is too short. I think a part time relationship is what l have. Someone to do things with rather than be third wheeling it with well meaning friends. I think 3 draws is enough clothes for someone to keep here lol. I also think l have become rather selfish and do things for me now. On the negative side l think l have closed up emotionally and won't let anyone in, I cry in private and put a brave face on everything.sometimes this is tough on the people around me.
    NST April 2018: April Fools Challenge
    2018 declutter and destress.
    2018 early retirement wannabe
    Save 12k in 2018 1182/12000
    28/week on wk13 (1 a day challenge)644
    All this saving l'm turning into my Dad
    • Torry Quine
    • By Torry Quine 6th Mar 18, 10:45 PM
    • 17,171 Posts
    • 26,532 Thanks
    Torry Quine
    Just touching base. Not much happening although at least the snow has gone. I'm still exhausted and struggling to sleep.

    Today. I went with my dad to a hospital appointment which was the first time back at the hospital since my husband's last admission. Tears were shed. I do agree that the loss of a parent can't be compared to the loss of a spouse.
    Lost my soulmate so life is empty.

    I can bear pain myself, he said softly, but I couldna bear yours. That would take more strength than I have -
    Diana Gabaldon, Outlander
    • wort
    • By wort 6th Mar 18, 11:52 PM
    • 769 Posts
    • 10,168 Thanks
    wort
    LL I'll look for the sheila Hancock book, I might have said before about a book I was given called death and how to survive it, by Kate Boydell who became a widow at 33, with 2 small children it covers all kinds of things and there's some humour in there so it's not as depressing as it sounds. She runs a site called merry widow.
    Kittie no wonder you're exhausted, just reading all the things you do wears me out. Take some me time and relax. Hopefully spring is round the corner and we will be able to get outside more to invigorate ourselves.
    Focus on contribution instead of the impressiveness of consumption to see the true beauty in people.
    • Torry Quine
    • By Torry Quine 7th Mar 18, 6:35 PM
    • 17,171 Posts
    • 26,532 Thanks
    Torry Quine
    I've contacted the solicitor who has my husband's will today to see how I need to proceed. Also contacted DWP about bereavement payment. Not easy but has to be done.
    Lost my soulmate so life is empty.

    I can bear pain myself, he said softly, but I couldna bear yours. That would take more strength than I have -
    Diana Gabaldon, Outlander
    • kittie
    • By kittie 7th Mar 18, 7:30 PM
    • 11,989 Posts
    • 75,038 Thanks
    kittie
    Plus l'm a catch financially lol and no ones getting their hands on my assets (money lol) .
    Originally posted by shabbychic12
    same here, personally am too old for it to be physical attraction, although I am good company. A few days after the funeral, I did have a gentleman caller, said he was lonely. I kept him at the door, all my instincts were screaming out loud. I am so very aware of scammers and even more so when I come to arrange an additional annuity after my house is sold. I will be contacting someone listed on the FCA website, they keep updated lists of bona fide companies. Worthwhile knowing about the FCA if anything to do with money

    A much better day today, after a very good sleep last night, no more electric underblanket. Part of the tizz yesterday was the internal panic, the thought of squeezing my stuff into a smaller home but in reality I won`t have to because I am waiting until the right home comes on sale, yesterday was a good eye opener, the viewing and all the pre prep ie looking at planning permissions and letters against, then lo and behold seeing a neighbour`s row of new leylandii, planted 3 feet from the side of the bungalow. I saw that and I walked away. It came on sale yesterday and was sold immediately. I shall watch the leylandii growing year on year and will always breath that sigh of relief. Us singletons need to be doubly on the ball

    So today I paced myself better, am still deep cleaning but need to because I realised yesterday that once things start to roll then I need to be sorted. 2 bedrooms, landing and stairs today and tomorrow my sewing room and one bedroom and then best of all, looks like a nice day here, will be a cycle ride, for fresh air and to get my blood circulating after the snow. Ok, all on my own but it is something I now accept
    • Elona
    • By Elona 7th Mar 18, 8:00 PM
    • 185 Posts
    • 2,057 Thanks
    Elona
    DD's Dad used to say that he and his Mum were like swans "They mate for life" and I feel the same way.

    I think four dds would scare off any caller - gentleman or not.. The wrist gadget DD got me says I walked over 7000 steps today (more than in a long time) and when I went to slimming club I had lost six and a half pounds in two weeks in spite of birthday celebrations for dd. I finally feel I am making a start on getting myself a bit fitter and healthier.

    Cleaner is coming round tomorrow so will get her to give me a hand moving two heavy suitcases from upstairs and might even find the christening dress I hand sewed and put away safely.

    Why Oh Why is it the things you put away safely that go walkies while stuff in a heap you can always lay your hand on?
    • kittie
    • By kittie 9th Mar 18, 8:21 AM
    • 11,989 Posts
    • 75,038 Thanks
    kittie
    DD's Dad used to say that he and his Mum were like swans "They mate for life" and I feel the same way.
    Originally posted by Elona
    I have a very silver large framed photo of two swans close together, on the wall where I am sitting now. I always felt like that, only had one mate the whole of my life and that is the way it will stay

    Onwards and upwards today, am pleased with my daily food, keeping sweet treats on a low level but I still enjoy them. Sleeping well and going back into exercise after a few weeks, weather related, break. Its all about supplying the machinery with what it needs to run smoothly

    Elona have you found the gown?
    • wort
    • By wort 9th Mar 18, 9:12 AM
    • 769 Posts
    • 10,168 Thanks
    wort
    Elona well done on the weight loss.

    I've booked a holiday, I'm not sure if I've done the right thing , I'd booked time off work this year in June which is when hubby died and it will be the 1 year anniversary, also our wedding anniversary and my birthday.
    I kept being drawn to the cruise we were on when hubby fell ill, we were in the med for 2 weeks and returned home after 1st week .so I've been looking at the 2nd week which was going to all the places we really wanted to see, my wonderful sister said if I wanted to go she would accompany me, so we booked it yesterday.
    I feel I should go and finish our cruise as hubby didn't want to cut short the holiday even though he must have been in horrendous pain, and I think if I don't do it now I never will, and possibly never cruise again. It's more than I would want to pay, and that makes me feel guilty, I'm just hoping I can hold it together and don't ruin my sisters holiday, it's even the same ship.
    I can't believe it's been 8 months ,it feels like yesterday ,but also feels like so long since I last saw him. X
    Focus on contribution instead of the impressiveness of consumption to see the true beauty in people.
    • lessonlearned
    • By lessonlearned 9th Mar 18, 10:49 AM
    • 9,969 Posts
    • 62,247 Thanks
    lessonlearned
    Wort......what a lovely brave and courageous way to commemorate your husband. I am sure he will be looking down and cheering you on. Yes it will be emotional for you but I am sure you will have a good time. How nice that you will have your sister with you. I am sure she will understand if you shed some tears.

    Elona ....well done on the weight loss and upping the exercise. It is a nice sunny day here and I shall be going for a gentle stroll later. I might need to strap up my knee. I have been a bit stiff and sore in general and have been a bit lax on the exercise front so I need to get back into it.

    Kitty. Your comments about the difficulties of having to do everything alone and how exhausted you feel really resonated with me. There just seems so much to do at times and sometimes I just feel so overwhelemd that I do nothing....

    I did have a cleaner as you know but she had moved on. Rather than employ someone to come every week I was thinking of trying cleaning company. I think a blitz every so often would be enough. I am actually in the throes of another Marie Kondo style declutter. I still have far too much stuff.

    My home looks nice and minimalist until you open cupboards.....
    I think shedding some more will hopefully help me stay on top of things. It is a slow process though.

    I am trying to get out more and am making a real effort to be more sociable. I am meeting one of the jolly dolly ladies tomorrow for a bite to eat and then the cinema.

    The other big news is I have decided to go back to college. I shall be studying Complimentary Therapies. My course starts in two weeks. I am looking forward to it. It is one day a week so not too onerous. Something to add a bit of focus in my life.

    Hope you are all well.
    • Elona
    • By Elona 9th Mar 18, 11:18 AM
    • 185 Posts
    • 2,057 Thanks
    Elona
    kittie

    I am try "not" to look for it if you know what I mean or else I will get myself stressed about it.

    LL

    The complementary therapies sound fascinating and I hope you enjoy it.

    I had cleaning companies and they were good but not always the same people and quite expensive. I was very lucky and found a card in a shop for an individual who works for herself. Not only is she much cheaper but she can get to know the house and get into a routine . We need to work round half term etc but so far it seems to work .

    LL

    I have been taking capsules for joints etc and they seem to be helping a bit.. I also have been making soups and stews with bones in the meat as a lesser version of bone broth and that also seems helpful.

    I am meeting dd and sil on Sunday but not sure what we are doing. I have asked that if we are eating here to give me a bit of warning. Middle dd has just e mailed me to ask if I have plans for tomorrow so that looks interesting.

    Hugs to all
    • kittie
    • By kittie 9th Mar 18, 12:17 PM
    • 11,989 Posts
    • 75,038 Thanks
    kittie
    wort, booking that cruise will be one of the best things you have ever done, it will draw that invisible line and release your husband. I would take something to scatter, I mean petals perhaps. Your sister is being a rock and mine is a rock too, she rings me every other day. You will find that your relationship with your sister will get even stronger than it obviously is

    I keep doing detours on my way back from the tip, always around my chosen location areas and I keep finding lovely areas in those areas. I am still looking but people are staying put for now. I had another fat fluffy white feather the other afternoon, after I came back from turning down a brand new and stunning bungalow (potentially problematic neighbour) and in the wrong orientation. I got that subtle unspoken agreement via the feather
    • lessonlearned
    • By lessonlearned 9th Mar 18, 2:18 PM
    • 9,969 Posts
    • 62,247 Thanks
    lessonlearned
    Kittie.....it will all come right in the end. You will find your forever home. Your feather was spot on.

    Speaking of signs and drawing lines I thought I would share this with you. I have not told many people because it would raise a few eyebrows, people would say it is my imagination but I know you will all understand.

    I never remember my dreams and I certainly cannot recall any dreams about my husband except just once......it was about 4 months ago.

    In the dream I am walking towards our old family home. My husband is walking towards me with two other men who I do not know. I feel so happy to see him again. As we draw level with each other he does not speak, he just nods and smiles and then continues walking away from me with the two strange men. I woke up shivering and crying.

    I interpreted this to mean that He had come to me in my dream to say his final goodbye and that he was telling me that it was time I let him go.

    Since then I have never felt his presence. No matter, I still carry him in my heart. Always will.
    • Elona
    • By Elona 9th Mar 18, 7:08 PM
    • 185 Posts
    • 2,057 Thanks
    Elona
    LL

    That dream does seem to be drawing a line and suggesting you need to look forward but must have been unsettling. You are right that you will always have him.

    Older dd and sil are taking me to lunch on Sunday and got a bit of a shock when they realised how many places were already booked up.

    Middle dd has just phoned to say that she and BF are taking me out tomorrow for lunch and to be ready by 11.30 a.m.

    Cleaner came round this morning so the house is looking good and she helped me search awkward spaces for the christening dress and shawl. I also emptied the big chest of drawers in the hall just in case I had overlooked something but no luck.

    Hugs to all
    • lessonlearned
    • By lessonlearned 9th Mar 18, 7:53 PM
    • 9,969 Posts
    • 62,247 Thanks
    lessonlearned
    Oh dear.....hope you find them.

    I lost the shawl my boys had. It got lost in a house move.

    Enjoy your lunch tomorrow.
Welcome to our new Forum!

Our aim is to save you money quickly and easily. We hope you like it!

Forum Team Contact us

Live Stats

1,975Posts Today

5,951Users online

Martin's Twitter
  • It's the start of mini MSE's half term. In order to be the best daddy possible, Im stopping work and going off line? https://t.co/kwjvtd75YU

  • RT @shellsince1982: @MartinSLewis thanx to your email I have just saved myself £222 by taking a SIM only deal for £7.50 a month and keeping?

  • Today's Friday twitter poll: An important question, building on yesterday's important discussions: Which is the best bit of the pizza...

  • Follow Martin