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  • FIRST POST
    • Buggins
    • By Buggins 25th Jan 18, 8:49 PM
    • 310Posts
    • 211Thanks
    Buggins
    Self help thread. I am a widow coping getting on with it
    • #1
    • 25th Jan 18, 8:49 PM
    Self help thread. I am a widow coping getting on with it 25th Jan 18 at 8:49 PM
    Just wanted to put this thread on to replace the missing one. Worried that some people who have been following the old thread might really need it sometime and won't get the support they need/want. It has, and still does, help me.
Page 5
    • Torry Quine
    • By Torry Quine 11th Feb 18, 8:50 PM
    • 17,171 Posts
    • 26,490 Thanks
    Torry Quine
    It is a huge achievement Torry. And if that is all you manage today, plus a a bit to eat and drink, then well, done.
    Originally posted by Brighton belle
    Thanks. I do have one friend who keeps on at me to get dressed and do something but it's beyond me. I do need to sort my flowers though as some have died.
    Lost my soulmate so life is empty.

    I can bear pain myself, he said softly, but I couldna bear yours. That would take more strength than I have -
    Diana Gabaldon, Outlander
    • Brighton belle
    • By Brighton belle 11th Feb 18, 8:55 PM
    • 5,112 Posts
    • 25,161 Thanks
    Brighton belle
    I think you just need to find your base line, otherwise it's going to add your sense of overwhelm. I think I am right in saying you suffer from significant fatigue anyway, so that is even more important to not push beyond what you can manage.
    I try to take one day at a time, but sometimes several days attack me at once
    • Torry Quine
    • By Torry Quine 11th Feb 18, 9:22 PM
    • 17,171 Posts
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    Torry Quine
    I think you just need to find your base line, otherwise it's going to add your sense of overwhelm. I think I am right in saying you suffer from significant fatigue anyway, so that is even more important to not push beyond what you can manage.
    Originally posted by Brighton belle
    Yes you're right that i have health problems. I've been having to go beyond my usual but that can't continue
    Lost my soulmate so life is empty.

    I can bear pain myself, he said softly, but I couldna bear yours. That would take more strength than I have -
    Diana Gabaldon, Outlander
    • Elona
    • By Elona 11th Feb 18, 9:36 PM
    • 156 Posts
    • 1,719 Thanks
    Elona
    Torry

    Not wanting this to sound patronising as it is meant as the opposite - just getting through each day, breathing in and out, eating a little and staying hydrated is a big deal. Clean pjs or outfit ,changing bed or putting laundry in the machine is a real achievement when all you want to do is find somewhere to hide and never come out.

    Hugs
    • Torry Quine
    • By Torry Quine 11th Feb 18, 9:42 PM
    • 17,171 Posts
    • 26,490 Thanks
    Torry Quine
    Torry

    Not wanting this to sound patronising as it is meant as the opposite - just getting through each day, breathing in and out, eating a little and staying hydrated is a big deal. Clean pjs or outfit ,changing bed or putting laundry in the machine is a real achievement when all you want to do is find somewhere to hide and never come out.

    Hugs
    Originally posted by Elona
    It sounds fine to me and not at all patronising.
    Lost my soulmate so life is empty.

    I can bear pain myself, he said softly, but I couldna bear yours. That would take more strength than I have -
    Diana Gabaldon, Outlander
    • itsanne
    • By itsanne 11th Feb 18, 11:44 PM
    • 4,449 Posts
    • 10,468 Thanks
    itsanne
    Torry, don't worry about what anyone else thinks you should do. Until they've experienced it, they have no idea what it's like, how physical and utterly debilitating it is. There is no 'should' about what to do or how to feel - however you feel and whatever you do (or don't do!) is right for you. It's awful beyond words, and at times it's an achievement just having one breath follow another when the last thing you want is to continue on your own. You aren't going mad, even when you think you are.

    But it does gradually become more manageable. It won't stay relentlessly this awful all the time. It doesn't feel like it right now, but you will cope.
    . . .I did not speak out

    Then they came for me
    And there was no one left
    To speak out for me..

    Martin Niemoller
    • Torry Quine
    • By Torry Quine 12th Feb 18, 5:10 PM
    • 17,171 Posts
    • 26,490 Thanks
    Torry Quine
    Today has been very mixed. The bill for the funeral came along with a couple of letters asking why they hadn't been able to take the direct debits.

    I decided I needed to get out so went to Boots to print a photo of him but my phone wouldn't connect. I asked the person next to me and she tried to help without success. I told her what the photo was and the importance of it. The assistant said that I needed to go to the large Boots in town however the young woman said send it to me and I can print it from my phone. This she did and wouldn't even let me pay! People can be so kind
    Lost my soulmate so life is empty.

    I can bear pain myself, he said softly, but I couldna bear yours. That would take more strength than I have -
    Diana Gabaldon, Outlander
    • itsanne
    • By itsanne 13th Feb 18, 1:37 AM
    • 4,449 Posts
    • 10,468 Thanks
    itsanne
    Torry, not wanting to pry into your circumstances, but if there will be probate involved the funeral can be paid out of money that's in your husband's name. You just contact the bank and then send them the bill and they pay the funeral director directly. (When contacting banks etc, ask to be put through to the bereavement department.)

    People in general want to help - worth bearing in mind when they say the 'wrong' thing because they don't know what to say.

    Life wll be mixed - and surreal - for a long time to come, but it's great that you are able to recognise the kindness of the woman who sorted the photo for you despite how awful you are feeling.
    . . .I did not speak out

    Then they came for me
    And there was no one left
    To speak out for me..

    Martin Niemoller
    • Torry Quine
    • By Torry Quine 13th Feb 18, 1:28 PM
    • 17,171 Posts
    • 26,490 Thanks
    Torry Quine
    Torry, not wanting to pry into your circumstances, but if there will be probate involved the funeral can be paid out of money that's in your husband's name. You just contact the bank and then send them the bill and they pay the funeral director directly. (When contacting banks etc, ask to be put through to the bereavement department.)

    People in general want to help - worth bearing in mind when they say the 'wrong' thing because they don't know what to say.

    Life wll be mixed - and surreal - for a long time to come, but it's great that you are able to recognise the kindness of the woman who sorted the photo for you despite how awful you are feeling.
    Originally posted by itsanne
    I showed the death certificate to his bank and they closed the account and transferred the money to me.
    Lost my soulmate so life is empty.

    I can bear pain myself, he said softly, but I couldna bear yours. That would take more strength than I have -
    Diana Gabaldon, Outlander
    • itsanne
    • By itsanne 13th Feb 18, 2:41 PM
    • 4,449 Posts
    • 10,468 Thanks
    itsanne
    I showed the death certificate to his bank and they closed the account and transferred the money to me.
    Originally posted by Torry Quine
    I'm only mentioning money because you posted about the funeral bill and direct debits. I'm not asking about your circumstances or intending you to respond, but money can be tied up for a quite a while after a death. If your husband had any other money (eg an ISA) that you can't access until after any necessary formalities, that money is allowed to be used to pay for the funeral.
    . . .I did not speak out

    Then they came for me
    And there was no one left
    To speak out for me..

    Martin Niemoller
    • kittie
    • By kittie 16th Feb 18, 8:07 AM
    • 11,801 Posts
    • 73,611 Thanks
    kittie
    money can be tied up for a quite a while after a death..
    Originally posted by itsanne
    absolutely right, hence being so good to have some money in a joint account. Some transfers took a fair amount of time, I was glad of my savings

    Three years tomorrow. I will be out at an all day crafting group and know that I will be relaxed in doing my work and chatting to others, this will help me to `forget` the date. Last year I went to an NT property and had lunch out but it is better to be with others

    Each of the past three years has been very different, raw grief, learning to live alone, de-cluttering and moving on. The letters and bills finally stopped early in year 3 and finances stabilised. Now starting year 4 and with the help of the MK thread, my house is mine and not ours and I am ready to move on, am actively looking for a new home, my own. It was hard to loosen the ties but it was important for me to do so. My life is still evolving
    • Torry Quine
    • By Torry Quine 16th Feb 18, 5:44 PM
    • 17,171 Posts
    • 26,490 Thanks
    Torry Quine
    We didn't have a joint account, what savings we have are almost entirely in my name as I'm a non-taxpayer. My only income is my PIP so finances will be tough.
    Lost my soulmate so life is empty.

    I can bear pain myself, he said softly, but I couldna bear yours. That would take more strength than I have -
    Diana Gabaldon, Outlander
    • wort
    • By wort 16th Feb 18, 5:45 PM
    • 711 Posts
    • 9,713 Thanks
    wort
    Dear Kittie, I'm thinking of you ,I hope tomorrow is not too sad, that your memories are joyful . Much hugs Xxx
    Focus on contribution instead of the impressiveness of consumption to see the true beauty in people.
    • itsanne
    • By itsanne 17th Feb 18, 11:24 AM
    • 4,449 Posts
    • 10,468 Thanks
    itsanne
    I hope today goes okay, Kittie.
    . . .I did not speak out

    Then they came for me
    And there was no one left
    To speak out for me..

    Martin Niemoller
    • itsanne
    • By itsanne 17th Feb 18, 11:37 AM
    • 4,449 Posts
    • 10,468 Thanks
    itsanne
    Torry, it might be worth getting someone to look at finances with you now that your circumstances are 'different'. You don't want to worry about finances on top of grieving for your husband. I've found that while my income has decreased significantly my expenditure has increased in a way I hadn't anticipated. Most bills remain the same - it costs just as much for heating etc for one as for two - while the need to go out more can be expensive.
    . . .I did not speak out

    Then they came for me
    And there was no one left
    To speak out for me..

    Martin Niemoller
    • poppy811
    • By poppy811 18th Feb 18, 11:42 AM
    • 64 Posts
    • 975 Thanks
    poppy811
    I would agree with you itsanne.
    I too am living on a very reduced income and am nervous about spending my savings as they would be very difficult to replace. Torry maybe a chat with the CAB re any additional benefits when you are feeling stronger.
    • Torry Quine
    • By Torry Quine 18th Feb 18, 12:24 PM
    • 17,171 Posts
    • 26,490 Thanks
    Torry Quine
    Thanks for the advice ladies.
    Lost my soulmate so life is empty.

    I can bear pain myself, he said softly, but I couldna bear yours. That would take more strength than I have -
    Diana Gabaldon, Outlander
    • kittie
    • By kittie 18th Feb 18, 1:31 PM
    • 11,801 Posts
    • 73,611 Thanks
    kittie
    yesterday came and went and I am glad I went to my hobby group, no-one knew the date significance so conversation was normal. I went to my shed after I came back and was surprised and delighted to find a fat fluffy white feather sitting in a cobweb by the latch.

    I agree with the above posts about income and outgoings. Income does reduce by quite a bit and outgoings are pretty much the same, just a little bit less for council tax. The os savings thread is very helpful it made me put a brake on my spending and I have added up my yearly one-off bills with the aim of getting that amount divided by 12 into a linked savings account every month. I still need to buy things but am not spending `recklessly` as I did in years one and two, when money and savings meant nothing. I gave good amounts of money to our three adult children in year two but that is the last of that. I did also buy lifetime passes for NT and the local steam train, ok I was in that spending mood and they are charities but now I have cheap days out

    I also joined the cooking for one thread, it kind of makes me focus on meal planning for the day. I wrote daily lists for two years, food and jobs and it helped me a lot. I always went to bed with a plan for the next day
    Last edited by kittie; 18-02-2018 at 1:34 PM.
    • Torry Quine
    • By Torry Quine 20th Feb 18, 9:45 PM
    • 17,171 Posts
    • 26,490 Thanks
    Torry Quine
    It seems like every day there's another official letter to deal with which isn't easy. Bought some frames and now have lovely photos on display. It's a bit bigger sweet just now.

    Went to the nearby supermarket today and spoke with an assistant who always got on well with my husband so that was hard. Sunday afternoon I went to church which resulted in lots of crying in the toilet.
    Lost my soulmate so life is empty.

    I can bear pain myself, he said softly, but I couldna bear yours. That would take more strength than I have -
    Diana Gabaldon, Outlander
    • missile
    • By missile 21st Feb 18, 8:02 AM
    • 9,378 Posts
    • 4,651 Thanks
    missile
    It seems like every day there's another official letter to deal with which isn't easy. Bought some frames and now have lovely photos on display. It's a bit bigger sweet just now.

    Went to the nearby supermarket today and spoke with an assistant who always got on well with my husband so that was hard. Sunday afternoon I went to church which resulted in lots of crying in the toilet.
    Originally posted by Torry Quine
    The sun is shinning today in Aberdeen, so hope that can lift your mood a little.
    "A nation's greatness is measured by how it treats its weakest members." ~ Mahatma Gandhi
    Ride hard or stay home
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