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  • FIRST POST
    • Buggins
    • By Buggins 25th Jan 18, 8:49 PM
    • 317Posts
    • 226Thanks
    Buggins
    Self help thread. I am a widow coping getting on with it
    • #1
    • 25th Jan 18, 8:49 PM
    Self help thread. I am a widow coping getting on with it 25th Jan 18 at 8:49 PM
    Just wanted to put this thread on to replace the missing one. Worried that some people who have been following the old thread might really need it sometime and won't get the support they need/want. It has, and still does, help me.
Page 44
    • humptydumptybits
    • By humptydumptybits 8th Aug 18, 12:49 AM
    • 1,744 Posts
    • 5,073 Thanks
    humptydumptybits
    Hi Elona, hope your daughter is doing OK. This weather must be awful when you are heavily pregnant and being overdue just isn't fair. Three of mine were late and two had to be induced and that last week was so hard.
    • Elona
    • By Elona 8th Aug 18, 1:14 AM
    • 346 Posts
    • 3,544 Thanks
    Elona
    humpty

    A lovely baby girl arrived at 2.30 yesterday after more than 24 hours in labour and a c section. Very relieved Mum and baby are doing well and hoping to go home later today.
    • lessonlearned
    • By lessonlearned 8th Aug 18, 6:38 AM
    • 10,793 Posts
    • 69,995 Thanks
    lessonlearned
    Congratulations.......I was wondering how everything was.

    Glad all is well.
    • humptydumptybits
    • By humptydumptybits 8th Aug 18, 7:57 AM
    • 1,744 Posts
    • 5,073 Thanks
    humptydumptybits
    humpty

    A lovely baby girl arrived at 2.30 yesterday after more than 24 hours in labour and a c section. Very relieved Mum and baby are doing well and hoping to go home later today.
    Originally posted by Elona

    Oh how lovely, she will be exhausted. Was she able to stay awake for the section? I had a similar experience with my DD, over 24 hrs in labour and then a very urgent section and unfortunately there was no time for an epidural so I missed the main event. I woke up to find my husband sitting by my bed with DD in his arms. From what I observed the mums who had the epidurals seemed to recover faster and the nice anaesthetist topped them up before the went back to the ward so they had a few hours pain free which helped I think.


    At the end of the day it doesn't matter as long as both are well, you just need a bit more support after a section particularly with big babies, mine was 9 lb so I had to be careful picking her up.


    I'm so pleased everything has gone well.
    • Elona
    • By Elona 8th Aug 18, 10:32 AM
    • 346 Posts
    • 3,544 Thanks
    Elona
    DD was awake and able to see her baby etc. Both parents are completely besotted and so happy.
    Hugs to all
    • humptydumptybits
    • By humptydumptybits 8th Aug 18, 12:24 PM
    • 1,744 Posts
    • 5,073 Thanks
    humptydumptybits
    DD was awake and able to see her baby etc. Both parents are completely besotted and so happy.
    Hugs to all
    Originally posted by Elona

    That is lovely. Hope she gets home today, nothing quite like being at home in your own bed. Hope all goes well. You must be so relieved all is well.
    • sheilavw
    • By sheilavw 8th Aug 18, 9:53 PM
    • 1,036 Posts
    • 875 Thanks
    sheilavw
    Congratulations Elona, lovely news x
    • lessonlearned
    • By lessonlearned 10th Aug 18, 11:57 AM
    • 10,793 Posts
    • 69,995 Thanks
    lessonlearned
    Well it's 4 years today since my husband died......

    Actually I don't feel too bad, although I didn't sleep too well so I just feel a bit tired and sort of "hungover" and whoozy today, although no alcohol has been imbibed. Honest.

    Yesterday I signed the contracts. We are looking at legally completing the week commencing 20th August. I'm a tad nervous but I tell myself that in the long term this will be a good move.

    Just need to take that leap of faith.......new house, new life and all that.
    • Blackcatsreturns
    • By Blackcatsreturns 10th Aug 18, 8:02 PM
    • 82 Posts
    • 713 Thanks
    Blackcatsreturns
    It was 4 years for me on 4th August. Very few people remembered the actual day and that made me feel a bit sad. So many people at the funeral, all supportive but their life moves on as does ours but it's obviously different for us.
    On a positive note after intense public campaigning the bowel cancer screening age is being lowered to 50 and as OH died from bowel cancer in his early 50's this change should genuinely help to save lives. Well done to the individual who started the on line campaign after her mum died and thanks to nearly 500,000 who signed the petition. Power to the people.
    LL glad you got through the day ok and good luck with the house move.
    • Elona
    • By Elona 10th Aug 18, 10:11 PM
    • 346 Posts
    • 3,544 Thanks
    Elona
    Hugs to LL and Blackcats.

    It was three years on 1st May when we lost DH and our DDs and me will always remember the date. I think DH might have had a wry chuckle at leaving us on a traditional worker's holiday.

    LL

    Good Luck with the move and I am sure you will have your new home comfortable and stylish in no time.

    Hugs to all
    • sheilavw
    • By sheilavw 11th Aug 18, 9:19 PM
    • 1,036 Posts
    • 875 Thanks
    sheilavw
    Big hugs to you both on your recent anniversaries , difficult days xxx
    • lessonlearned
    • By lessonlearned 12th Aug 18, 7:34 AM
    • 10,793 Posts
    • 69,995 Thanks
    lessonlearned
    Thanks Sheila. Actually it was much easier this year. I'm wondering if the forthcoming house move has helped.

    How are you getting on.

    Blackcat......I know what you mean about other people not remembering. I found this too this year. I suppose it's inevitable, they have their own lives to lead and the death of our husbands really doesn't impact their lives the way it does ours.

    I've been thinking about grief a lot, reading some websites. People talk about stages of grief don't they.

    I think for me, possibly, hopefully, the worst might finally be over. What I am faced with now is how best to move forward, how to reach a place of serenity and contentment. How to embrace life and happiness again.

    I still don't have any answers, still don't know what I want out of life, still floundering about. However, I think moving house will be a good start.

    New house, new life.......
    Last edited by lessonlearned; 12-08-2018 at 7:46 AM.
    • Blackcatsreturns
    • By Blackcatsreturns 12th Aug 18, 11:20 AM
    • 82 Posts
    • 713 Thanks
    Blackcatsreturns
    Thank you Elona and Sheila.
    LL - the "change curve" is an interesting model. It describes the stages of change and can be applied to grief. Briefly the starting stages are denial and doubt (or anger). This is when we are looking to the past. We then move into uncertainty and confusion (living in the present) and then into acceptance and rationalisation and then as we start to look to the future we move into problem solving and moving on. The theory is that you can move backwards and forwards in the stages of the change curve and we each take as long as we need to move through.
    It's much better articulated on various websites! Kubler Ross change curve.
    I think I am in and around problem solving and moving on. That isn't to say that the grief has gone just that I'm coping with it differently.
    • sheilavw
    • By sheilavw 12th Aug 18, 1:25 PM
    • 1,036 Posts
    • 875 Thanks
    sheilavw
    Thanks for your replies. If I'm honest I just feel really really sad. I am glad that it's the school holidays and I'm off work. My Husband is going on his fishing break , sailing 3am tuesday to Ireland. He is really looking forward to it, although I will be nervous!
    I am going down to my oldest Daughters in Colchester on the Tuesday until the Friday. It's a long drive, I hate it , but I've done it before. I will surprise our Grandson!
    • ScarletRibbons
    • By ScarletRibbons 13th Aug 18, 6:49 AM
    • 423 Posts
    • 5,625 Thanks
    ScarletRibbons
    Blackcatsreturns, I was interested in your comment about no-one remembering the anniversary of your husband's death.

    A friend's mother had died, and I have (usually) a good memory for dates. The first anniversary was approaching, and I'd said to her,"it's nearly a year for your Mum, isn't it" and she snapped, "I don't need reminding when my Mum died, thank you very much"!

    I felt terrible, and apologised, I had no intention to hurt or offend. I had known her Mum well, which was probably one reason why I remembered. It's made me wary of doing it to anyone else,

    People are so different in their needs and reactions I suppose,
    • crv1963
    • By crv1963 13th Aug 18, 7:24 AM
    • 574 Posts
    • 1,271 Thanks
    crv1963
    For my Mum the anniversary of Dads death, she tends to avoid others and have only family contact, preferring to do the garden, when it's his birthday we tend to go out for a ride somewhere he liked, nothing big just a route he enjoyed to a town or village he liked. Then simply remember him, we all still talk about him and what we all did together.
    CRV1963- Light bulb moment Sept 15- Planning the great escape- aka retirement!
    • Blackcatsreturns
    • By Blackcatsreturns 13th Aug 18, 9:48 AM
    • 82 Posts
    • 713 Thanks
    Blackcatsreturns
    Thank you Scarletribbons and CRV. It's easy to forget that it's not easy for friends and family of a bereaved person to know what to say or do. It's not helped that we are all different and that we will also change as time passes too. On the first anniversary I wanted to be alone and chose to go out for the whole day to keep myself occupied. On my way out of the house my wonderful neighbour (who was dealing with the dreaded dustbin day) just nodded at me at said "I know".
    So thank you both for your perspectives - the wisdom of "strangers" on these boards is so helpful
    • happyandcontented
    • By happyandcontented 13th Aug 18, 9:56 AM
    • 1,692 Posts
    • 3,456 Thanks
    happyandcontented
    It must be such an awful day. On the anniversary of her husband's death every year I take a bunch of flowers to my neighbour and give her a hug. We don't speak about it, I just want her to know that he is remembered fondly by others.
    • ScarletRibbons
    • By ScarletRibbons 13th Aug 18, 3:41 PM
    • 423 Posts
    • 5,625 Thanks
    ScarletRibbons
    I'm fortunate in that my husband is still with me - I have no idea how I would react if I was widowed, It's unimaginable. We have been married for fifty years.

    A widowed friend told me, (with a wry smile) that I would be amazed at the number of people who had told her to get a dog after her husband died. She also said that he would have had a good laugh at the thought of being so easily replaced!!
    • Torry Quine
    • By Torry Quine 13th Aug 18, 4:07 PM
    • 17,243 Posts
    • 26,816 Thanks
    Torry Quine
    I'm fortunate in that my husband is still with me - I have no idea how I would react if I was widowed, It's unimaginable. We have been married for fifty years.

    A widowed friend told me, (with a wry smile) that I would be amazed at the number of people who had told her to get a dog after her husband died. She also said that he would have had a good laugh at the thought of being so easily replaced!!
    Originally posted by ScarletRibbons
    Yes I've been told to get a dog by several people even some who know I have a cat.
    Lost my soulmate so life is empty.

    I can bear pain myself, he said softly, but I couldna bear yours. That would take more strength than I have -
    Diana Gabaldon, Outlander
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