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  • FIRST POST
    • Buggins
    • By Buggins 25th Jan 18, 8:49 PM
    • 315Posts
    • 221Thanks
    Buggins
    Self help thread. I am a widow coping getting on with it
    • #1
    • 25th Jan 18, 8:49 PM
    Self help thread. I am a widow coping getting on with it 25th Jan 18 at 8:49 PM
    Just wanted to put this thread on to replace the missing one. Worried that some people who have been following the old thread might really need it sometime and won't get the support they need/want. It has, and still does, help me.
Page 40
    • Elona
    • By Elona 12th Jul 18, 10:40 AM
    • 265 Posts
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    Elona
    humpty

    My feet and legs swell even when it is not hot weather so I am a shambles. I found some easy pay offers on ideal world and waited for a special value easy pay in instalments deal. It is less expensive than the gadget advertised for feet and legs by former cricketer on tv but might be worth seeing if a gym had a vibra plate so you can try it out several times as it is not cheap. I am not sure if the vibrations going through your body would be bad for breast tissue so might be worth getting a medical opinion.

    I think a hairdo and pampering yourself a bit like home manicure, pedicure, face mask etc should make you feel more confident and assured. I bet no one else notices how your clothes fit and it is better than having the rolls of fat that I am trying to shed. I caught sight of myself in the mirror on the vibra plate and the sight of everything wobbling and rippling was not a pretty one!

    I just got self indulgent and ordered a hot air styler for myself as youngest snaffled the last one but don't feel too guilty as it was a cheap price despite being top rated on the site as it is not a well known brand.

    Hugs to all
    • humptydumptybits
    • By humptydumptybits 12th Jul 18, 10:49 AM
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    humptydumptybits
    Thanks for all the info Elona. Just been invited out for lunch so going to be a bit of a rush before hair appointment.
    • kittie
    • By kittie 12th Jul 18, 7:58 PM
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    kittie
    I used to have one of those machines that stimulate the leg muscles, it was ok but not a miracle worker. I got rid of it two years ago. I do find that the best way to help the legs is to elevate them and I have 2 indoor chairs to do that, a recliner and a zero gravity chair


    Its been very hard to keep going with sorting and packing, I have been doing early and late sessions and so far have done 3/4 of the allotment structures and all the garage/workshop and started on the great big shed today. So hard to do it all by myself and I know I could get packers but have decided that I need to know where everything is. The opt out for me is doing this move in stages.

    Vendor has e mailed again, she is nice enough but I need to be left alone re the new house. I don`t want her telling me what I should and should not do with things in the house. It worries me that she may come back after I have moved in
    • kittie
    • By kittie 13th Jul 18, 9:04 AM
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    kittie
    I am sitting here having a drink of water and feeling a little bit on the verge. I got so hot cleaning this morning, deep cleaning and did the top north side windows inside and out. Undid 2 screws at the top of a cureved and special lovely pale oak cabinet with 6 doors, thought hubbie had put them in for dgc safety but no it was general safety, luckily no harm done because I screwed them back in pdq. I am going to have to tell EA that this unit is most definitely going with me. We have to have out wits about us all the time. No-one to say whoa when we are about to do something not so good


    I suppose the trick is to do important things slower


    I have to get out soon, need a break and will go buy orchids in pots and smile at people, who really might be in a worse position
    • lessonlearned
    • By lessonlearned 13th Jul 18, 11:17 AM
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    lessonlearned
    Love your resilience Kittie.

    I think we need to take it step by step, and plent of rest breaks. The heat doesn't help does it.

    I am just back from acupuncture. The treatments wipe me out. Feel a bit lightheaded so I have just had something to eat and I might try and have a nap now.

    I think I mentioned that the survey flagged up some issues. I have instructed some further investigations, not much else I can do for now, just have To wait and see. I will make a final decision when I know how much remedial works and repairs are going to cost.

    I am another one prone to swollen ankles (and foot pain). In fact my feet really hurt today. Will have an Epsom salt foot bath later and dig out my copper insoles. They do help but I need to wear socks with them and it's just been too hot.
    • humptydumptybits
    • By humptydumptybits 13th Jul 18, 12:04 PM
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    humptydumptybits
    How's DIL and baby?
    • lessonlearned
    • By lessonlearned 13th Jul 18, 1:35 PM
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    lessonlearned
    They are doing well thanks. DIL still very sore obviously and in quite a lot of pain because she is trying not to take strong pain relief (breastfeeding). She is hobbling about, avoiding the stairs for now. She can feed the baby but needs a bit of help sometimes with lifting him.

    Having her parents around is a godsend for them. The parents are running the household whilst DS helps mum and babe, in fact DS is doing most of the actual baby care (apart from the feeding). Not sure who is enjoying the cuddling more.....baby or DS. .

    Baby is very looong, really long legs and big feet.....he's going to be a tall one like his uncle (DS2). no wonder DIL was so uncomfortable at the end.

    DS has 2 weeks paternity leave but when he goes Back her mum will be here until early September, when DS will then take some annual leave. So we are looking at 2nd week in September at least before DIL has to cope by herself. Hopefully, she should have recuperated from the surgery by then and of course the baby won't be feeding so often.

    As I said he's going to be tall and athletic so he's a hungry baby. But she's doing very well, being very stoic and uncomplaining despite being in obvious discomfort.
    Last edited by lessonlearned; 13-07-2018 at 1:37 PM.
    • humptydumptybits
    • By humptydumptybits 13th Jul 18, 1:47 PM
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    humptydumptybits
    It is uncomfortable, one of mine was ECS, funnily enough it was my smallest baby so not sure what went wrong there. A physio saw me struggling when baby was a week old and she said the more you lean forward/bend to protect your abdomen the worse it gets. It was true for me as I think I was gradually leaning over more and more and once I stood up nice and straight it got alot easier. I found breastfeeding harder as well, harder to get comfortable and of course that interferes with the let down but it does get easier. It is early days for her and sounds like she has lots of help.
    • Elona
    • By Elona 13th Jul 18, 2:01 PM
    • 265 Posts
    • 2,633 Thanks
    Elona
    LL

    I am glad your DIL will have lots of help especially after a ceasarian . I think DD's baby is likely to be long as well as the scans suggest this and both she and SIL are tall.

    DD and SIL are coming round to drop off their cat, take SIL to train station at York and then DD is staying with me for the next couple of days. Middle DD is popping in later as she has a dental appointment and I am planning salmon salad for us all tonight.

    It looks like rain so I rescued laundry from the washing line and have just have a quick shower and washed my hair. DD has a key in case they arrive before I am dressed but need to get a move on.

    Hugs to all
    • kittie
    • By kittie 13th Jul 18, 2:35 PM
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    kittie
    It seems to have turned out very well having the dil`s mum there, baby bonding is well on its way. My dd had an emergency ceasarian and baby is now a very fine athletic 11 year old. Second baby she was not given a ceasarian and has since suffered the awful consequences of the mesh down below. You are going to be very busy soon LL, when it hits them, when they are on their own. Beautiful delightful times are ahead for you and for Elona


    My survey is due on the 26th and I asked for a re-building valuation. I do realise that this will be a lot less than actual valuation but it saves on paperwork for insurances. Everything is crossed for a reasonable result. The things that would worry me are damp, active woodworm, septic tank problems etc. All fixable but at a cost. I specifically asked him to look for underfloor vents. Underfloor can be a big and expensive problem if there is dry rot. Nothing is certain until after a good read and a discuss with a friend of mine, if needed
    • Elona
    • By Elona 13th Jul 18, 3:04 PM
    • 265 Posts
    • 2,633 Thanks
    Elona
    kittie

    Your poor DD - I have heard of the mesh and the awful problems it caused.

    SIL and DD arrived while I was getting changed so I hastily popped on a dressing gown to go and greet them only for DD to ask if I was poorly as I was in the dressing gown so hastily reassured her. They have driven off to the station so fingers crossed the fact that the races are on does not delay them too much.

    Hugs to all
    • lessonlearned
    • By lessonlearned 13th Jul 18, 3:09 PM
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    lessonlearned
    When I had DS1 it was too late for a Caesarian because he was already half way down the birth canal. I ended up with a high forceps delivery. The damage to me was horrendous. I had to be put back together again when he was 4 months old.

    Years later, I suffered from some gynae problems that were a direct result and had to have two further lots of surgery to put things right. Hindsight is a wonderful thing but my GP was horrified. He said I should have been given a c section, he had warned them. Both my son and I nearly died. It was truly horrific. Luckily it was a different hospital.

    That's why I was so relieved for DIL. I knew and she knew she would need a section, she's tiny and her mother and all her aunts have needed caesarians but they said they wouldn't do an elective. After nearly a week of false starts, bleeding and then finally only being 2cms dilated after hours of labour and the baby starting to get distressed they decided it was time to intervene.

    I was getting so worried, the night she was in Labour I had terrible nightmares. Thank goodness it's all over. Perhaps they will listen to her if she decides to try again.
    • humptydumptybits
    • By humptydumptybits 13th Jul 18, 4:42 PM
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    humptydumptybits
    LL I can sympathise with that as well, my youngest was a high forceps delivery. I desperately didn't want another section and at 10lb plus he got a bit stuck! I haven't had any longterm problems though, my main issue was horrendous constipation afterwards as everything seemed to shutdown.


    My doctor said I should write a book as I've had a home delivery, low tech hospital delivery, high tech hospital delivery, C Section. I've been induced and gone into labour naturally. I've even had one born en caul. He reckoned I could cover most eventualities. With the youngest I went in to be induced only to find out I was 5 cm dilated and I hadn't had a pain, now that is a good labour.
    • kittie
    • By kittie 13th Jul 18, 4:56 PM
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    kittie
    high forceps is truly horrendous, my niece had high forceps and they now have an only child. That mesh is dreadful, dd has no options but has her name down for abrasion, inner sanitary protection is shredded. They would not let her have an elective caesar. Even my 3 pregnancies left me with permanent problems, the massive jagged tear, the fact that I don`t go anywhere unless I know where the loo is. No wonder the rich and famous have caesars or midwives who bide their time and are patient and not at the end of their shift, telling me a 23 year old, to push and push when I was not really ready. Anyway, I have learnt to live with it and by golly am not the only one with similar problems, talking to my sister and a friend. The silent ones
    Last edited by kittie; 13-07-2018 at 4:58 PM.
    • humptydumptybits
    • By humptydumptybits 13th Jul 18, 4:58 PM
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    humptydumptybits
    I was lucky, 3 vaginal deliveries of 9 lb plus babies and no problems. I hated the section and was desperate not to have another.


    I heard about the mesh on the Victoria Derbyshire show, sounds awful. They were saying lots of men are affected as well, I think it was after prostate surgery but I might have misremembered that one. Actually thinking about it I might have got that wrong, might have been hernia repairs.
    Last edited by humptydumptybits; 13-07-2018 at 5:01 PM.
    • lessonlearned
    • By lessonlearned 13th Jul 18, 11:10 PM
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    lessonlearned
    OMG.

    So many butchered women. So many damaged lives. How many wrecked marriages I wonder......It's barbaric the way women are sometimes treated. Still. Even now. Even in the West, the so called First World.

    Silent Ones indeed. And when we do try and speak out, we are fobbed off, mocked and silenced. We are silly hysterical women, oh you must depressed, here take these pills.

    But......In a world where female circumcision is still rife, where child rape is not uncommon, where young girls as young as 9 or 10 are forced into marriage, where children of both sexes are trafficked and sold into sex slavery and where women and children are beaten and abused IN THEIR OWN HOMES should we really be surprised.

    And when you do go to try and get yourselves sorted out to repair the damage that has been done to you, they patronise you and tell you don't be silly, it's all in your head, there's nothing wrong with you, it's your imagination.

    Thankfully I started developing internal abscesses. I say thankfully because that's when they finally started listening to me and when I finally found a sympathetic gynaecologist who was able to effect the necessary repairs.

    It only took 10 years.

    I'm not bitter because in the end I got lucky. I was fortunate in that thanks to that wonderful gynaecologist I have healed and am whole again but I am angry that women are still treated so badly. That so many never get the help they need and go through life in discomfort and pain.

    As soon as they said they were going to induce my DIL those alarm bells were deafening. But you trust, you say to yourself, surely they won't screw it up this time, and you offer a silent prayer to a God you don't believe in, please, please don't let her suffer.

    Thanks to that anaesthetist they didn't. He fought her corner......but what if he hadn't been there? My poor DIL was too out of it to really grasp the seriousness of their predicament but my son confessed he was very badly shaken and very scared.

    It's over. But I do wonder if it will be their only child.

    And once again, it's times like that when the loss of my husband, my sons father is really hard. My son would have found great solace in my husband's presence. My husband would have known how to comfort, guide and advise Him, and would have found the right words of wisdom and support. I felt pretty useless.

    There are times when a son needs his father and that was once such time.
    • kittie
    • By kittie 14th Jul 18, 7:58 AM
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    kittie
    I have to become more like my methodical engineer husband, time and time again, I have delved into his files about this house. Today, after my group cycle ride, I will get my new house file out. I have been putting paperwork in there but will also add a colour coding system for room by room. It will make packing easier, I fully intend to pack by myself, after doing kondo and pre-packing, it just means stashing in boxes. I have ordered lots of packs of 19mm coloured labels from amazon. So it will be a colour per room, much easier for the removers than my writing. I made sure to get removable labels and will also stick them on doors. Crikey, why does my stomach churn every time I actively think about this?
    • lessonlearned
    • By lessonlearned 14th Jul 18, 8:41 AM
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    lessonlearned
    Kittie.....I too still get the stomach churning when I think about my forthcoming move. And, despite steadily decluttering over the last couple of years, the fact remains I still have a lot of stuff. It's difficult not to feel overwhelmed.

    At least there's a nice big shed in the garden for the overflow.....

    I am parting with the obvious easy wins as I pack but there is still a lot of stuff I just don't know what to do with and some which really I should try to sell, rather than donate or scrap. After all I'm not made of money .....

    i know it's not ideal but I'm going to just take it with me and then decide at the other end. Be systematic and get selling, some for the auctions, some for eBay or maybe try a couple of those local selling sites.I'll take my time and try and get good prices but even if I only get a few hundred for it all, it's better in my bank

    Streamling everything and living a more minimalist lifestyle will make my life easierr in the future. Less cleaning and easy maintenance. But oh dear how does one part with all the sentimental stuff. And I still haven't attempted the photos......just can't face them.

    Spoke to the surveyor. I am stil really no wiser. I have instructed further investigations so I will make a final decision when I get the results. I do like the house and I know I will enjoy the challenge of a.new project. I know I can make it a nice home but I'm a bit nervous I might be taking on a money pit.

    I guess the way forward is slow but sure. Just move in, get the obvious remedial works done and make myself comfortable for the winter, Slosh some white paint around for now to make it less gloomy and then take it from there. Wait until next summer for any major works.

    Anyway today it looks like being hot again so I will avoid the worst of the heat and stay indoors so I may as well do some packing and sorting. At least this house is nice and cool during this hot spell.

    Acupuncture is going well. Have had 4 treatments, another 12 to go so early days yet but I think things are definitely improving. I'm sleeping really well and I feel less pain. Still got a fair way to go yet but I am happy with my progress so far.
    Last edited by lessonlearned; 14-07-2018 at 8:44 AM.
    • humptydumptybits
    • By humptydumptybits 14th Jul 18, 9:53 AM
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    humptydumptybits
    Obviously some women have problems after childbirth but sections can be just as bad. After mine the wound got infected, the stitches burst and I was in a hell of a mess. I had pain from the scar for years and still don't have normal sensation. My scar itches but it is an itch that can't be scratched as if you try and scratch it then you find it is numb. Some days I think the itch will drive me insane. Ironic that I had the vaginal deliveries with no problem, well obviously a week or so to heal but then everything back to normal. We can't win.
    • kittie
    • By kittie 14th Jul 18, 11:15 AM
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    kittie
    your progress is good LL. I think you have a similar aim to me ie get in, be safe and warm and then work on projects over the next few years. I see brand new houses for less than I am paying and I too get that `shall I be sensible?` moment but life has to be an adventure, has to be satisfying. I would hate to have everything on a plate, no-one can ever downplay that very deep and fulfilling sense of satisfaction and achievement


    I hope I don`t need further investigations after survey but am expecting to have to do so, trouble is that every expert now has to cover their backs, different to a family member accepting faults that in reality are pretty minor. We didn`t have a survey on this house, never had a survey anywhere except for a mortgage survey. Hubbie used to say that they were a waste of money, him being a structural engineer. Now that this carpet has been pulled away and I know that surveyor speak will, in reality, be much more scarey, seeing potential problems in black and white, bigger than they actually are.



    I am back from my challenging cycle ride, did very well and was in the group that did the ride extension, I only walked a few minutes up towards the top of a long hill drag. Roll on losing more weight, it will make up for a heavy bike and now I have lost some weight, I wore lycra for larger ladies and felt extremely comfortable, it is like a self perpetuating aim, lose weight and exercise more
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