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  • FIRST POST
    • Buggins
    • By Buggins 25th Jan 18, 8:49 PM
    • 310Posts
    • 211Thanks
    Buggins
    Self help thread. I am a widow coping getting on with it
    • #1
    • 25th Jan 18, 8:49 PM
    Self help thread. I am a widow coping getting on with it 25th Jan 18 at 8:49 PM
    Just wanted to put this thread on to replace the missing one. Worried that some people who have been following the old thread might really need it sometime and won't get the support they need/want. It has, and still does, help me.
Page 4
    • kittie
    • By kittie 9th Feb 18, 6:11 PM
    • 11,829 Posts
    • 73,840 Thanks
    kittie
    I talk to him as I wonder round the house,and speak about him all the time the same way I did when he was alive.
    Originally posted by wort
    I do that all the time, I ask him if I cannot find something, if I need to make a decision or when sitting reading in that sunny window, like we used to do. I say daft things like `lovely day` and when I go to bed, I always say night night to him.

    I found a small curly white feather on my bed the other day, while the grandchildren were downstairs learning a new hobby from me. There is nothing in that room with feathers and the window was shut. I saw feathers lots of times in the first year, not so many now but I am coping better now, getting ready to buy a new home, all by myself and that is one great big step forward
    • White_musk
    • By White_musk 9th Feb 18, 7:38 PM
    • 94 Posts
    • 521 Thanks
    White_musk
    White musk I'm pleased your move has gone well, and you're feeling it's been the right thing to do, we make some strange choices when we are grieving don't we. Having nice neighbours is good and though it will take time to get exactly how you want it, it's made you feel more settled if I'm reading it right.
    I kondoed my house, and I love it , I find everything easily, and it's so easy to clean and look after. I'm actually finding I want to have less and less!!
    I hope you'll be happy in your new home x
    Originally posted by wort
    Thank you Wort, oh yes, so, so, so much more settled.

    Well, today the bathroom was finished (except the blinds which are fitted next week). I had new lighting put in and during the 'doing' the electrician told me my wiring came out of the ark - deep joy (not). He has recommended a full rewire. He did say I could decorate the bathroom as the rewire could be done in the bathroom via the loft, so I shall get the bathroom decorated and new flooring then that room is done. As with the kitchen we both ended up covered in plaster (bad ceilings). As you can tell this house is going to be a real project, but I feel it's well worth it for the sense of peace and contentment I feel here. I may well be mad.
    God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, wisdom to know the difference.
    • White_musk
    • By White_musk 9th Feb 18, 7:48 PM
    • 94 Posts
    • 521 Thanks
    White_musk
    Last night was a better sleep with the sleeping tablet, tonight I don't have one so it could be a long night. Afriend took me out for a coffee which broke up my day. Coming home to an empty house is so hard.
    Originally posted by Torry Quine
    Time is your friend Torry, let yourself be as you need just now and little by little you will see yourself coping better than you thought possible. Don't allow anyone to tell you how to grieve, as I said, your grief your response to it. I live alone and genuinely thought I would go mad. I went from a wife and mum to being alone in the space of a year. I look back now and have absolutely no idea how I got here, I just did. While I would give anything to have my husband back, I've found I quite like living alone, my space, my rules, my routine. Getting to that point takes time though and as I said I couldn't even begin to tell you how I got here.

    I don't always sleep well either, I had a dreadful night last night and had to be up with the larks this morning. I will keep a look out on this thread if I'm around at silly o'clock to see if you need some company. I'm glad you have managed to get out and about a little bit and managed to eat too. It's so difficult so well done.
    God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, wisdom to know the difference.
    • White_musk
    • By White_musk 9th Feb 18, 7:58 PM
    • 94 Posts
    • 521 Thanks
    White_musk
    I do that all the time, I ask him if I cannot find something, if I need to make a decision or when sitting reading in that sunny window, like we used to do. I say daft things like `lovely day` and when I go to bed, I always say night night to him.

    I found a small curly white feather on my bed the other day, while the grandchildren were downstairs learning a new hobby from me. There is nothing in that room with feathers and the window was shut. I saw feathers lots of times in the first year, not so many now but I am coping better now, getting ready to buy a new home, all by myself and that is one great big step forward
    Originally posted by kittie
    I always longed for a 'sign' and never did get one, I so envy you.

    I also chat away to him during the day, things we may have done together or things I do now I didn't used/have too. In the early days I found chatting to him/yelling at him for leaving me was a way to help the deep pain of grief in the pit of my stomach. Now, my chats are much more gentle and 'normal'.
    God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, wisdom to know the difference.
    • Torry Quine
    • By Torry Quine 9th Feb 18, 9:01 PM
    • 17,171 Posts
    • 26,490 Thanks
    Torry Quine
    Today I saw the counsellor and just offloaded and cried loads. Going back next week. On the way in the bus I saw our car which we sold last year. It really shocked me and I started crying which was somewhat awkward.

    At least tonight I can have a sleeping tablet so will get some sleep.
    Lost my soulmate so life is empty.

    I can bear pain myself, he said softly, but I couldna bear yours. That would take more strength than I have -
    Diana Gabaldon, Outlander
    • Misslayed
    • By Misslayed 9th Feb 18, 9:22 PM
    • 4,371 Posts
    • 22,501 Thanks
    Misslayed
    I hope you have a peaceful night. Tomorrow is another day, with different challenges.
    Virtual hug and a ham sandwich.
    Hi. Martin has asked me to tell you I'm a (novice) Board Guide on the Competitions, Site Feedback and Campaigns boards. I volunteer to help get your forum questions answered and keep the forum running smoothly. Board guides are not moderators and don't read every post. If you spot an abusive or illegal post then please report it to forumteam@moneysavingexpert.com (it's not part of my role to deal with abuse). Any views are mine and not the official line of MoneySavingExpert.com.
    • Torry Quine
    • By Torry Quine 10th Feb 18, 6:32 PM
    • 17,171 Posts
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    Torry Quine
    Not much has happened today. I feel totally drained and exhausted. Lots of crying again
    Lost my soulmate so life is empty.

    I can bear pain myself, he said softly, but I couldna bear yours. That would take more strength than I have -
    Diana Gabaldon, Outlander
    • Misslayed
    • By Misslayed 10th Feb 18, 6:52 PM
    • 4,371 Posts
    • 22,501 Thanks
    Misslayed
    Did you have something to eat? Maybe this is the time to use a supermarket delivery service, use 'rainy day' money - it's pouring down. Order easy, feel good food, your favourites, OHs favourites maybe, to eat in memory. The hours creep by so slowly sometimes. I can only try to empathise. Be kind to yourself. X
    Hi. Martin has asked me to tell you I'm a (novice) Board Guide on the Competitions, Site Feedback and Campaigns boards. I volunteer to help get your forum questions answered and keep the forum running smoothly. Board guides are not moderators and don't read every post. If you spot an abusive or illegal post then please report it to forumteam@moneysavingexpert.com (it's not part of my role to deal with abuse). Any views are mine and not the official line of MoneySavingExpert.com.
    • Torry Quine
    • By Torry Quine 10th Feb 18, 7:10 PM
    • 17,171 Posts
    • 26,490 Thanks
    Torry Quine
    I had a cheese sandwich earlier. May manage some soup in a little while.
    Lost my soulmate so life is empty.

    I can bear pain myself, he said softly, but I couldna bear yours. That would take more strength than I have -
    Diana Gabaldon, Outlander
    • Torry Quine
    • By Torry Quine 10th Feb 18, 11:39 PM
    • 17,171 Posts
    • 26,490 Thanks
    Torry Quine
    I'm in floods of tears again. How can I go on without him
    Lost my soulmate so life is empty.

    I can bear pain myself, he said softly, but I couldna bear yours. That would take more strength than I have -
    Diana Gabaldon, Outlander
    • seven-day-weekend
    • By seven-day-weekend 11th Feb 18, 7:24 AM
    • 30,509 Posts
    • 57,490 Thanks
    seven-day-weekend
    Torry I have no words. Just know that you are loved.
    • Elona
    • By Elona 11th Feb 18, 8:49 AM
    • 159 Posts
    • 1,746 Thanks
    Elona
    After a few months I ended up with anti depressants which helped me get some sleep and a couple of sessions of counselling which really helped. Just being able to vent without someone feeling compelled to "advise" you and to just listen was a boon. Initially we are all stumbling about in the dark in pain, confusion and loss so don't judge yourself. Just keeping hydrated and breathing in and out with having something that we eat a couple of times a day even something small like tea and toast with a boiled egg or a mug of soup with a cracker and cheese is a start.

    kittie

    Not sure it is a sign but a couple of days ago I found a small cream feather in a box of eggs. As DH used to keep chickens it made me smile.

    Found out last night that about four family members are popping in today so I have potato and leek soup I made yesterday with a small cottage pie, defrosted some burgers last night and will nip out for rolls and salad this morning.

    Hugs to all
    • poppy811
    • By poppy811 11th Feb 18, 9:09 AM
    • 67 Posts
    • 977 Thanks
    poppy811
    Dear Torry
    There is no pain like it. I lost my Husband very suddenly 18 months ago and I remember the shock and feelings of not being able to carry on. These feelings do become a little easier as time passes. You will always love him and keep in your heart. Just do what you can each day.
    • wort
    • By wort 11th Feb 18, 9:39 AM
    • 726 Posts
    • 9,853 Thanks
    wort
    I had some family round last night and we had a lovely evening ,but when they left at midnight I sat down and cried ,huge racking sobs ,I couldn't stop ,it was around 2.30 before I dragged myself to bed. I feel dreadful this morning, and can feel the tears so very close to the surface. I look after my 10 year old dgson today, so I need to pull myself together.
    I'm not sure that I've had signs , I have feathers in my bedding and downstairs cushions, so when I find feathers I want to think they're from him, but my head says different.
    I've seen a very good medium, and I got a lot of comfort from that, she knew everything that happened, without me saying a word, she got his character to a tee, and told me details from the funeral, so because she told me he's been with me, even down to holding my hand in bed, I feel him more. I realise there are so many charlatans in the world , but she told me things no one else knew, and that gave me solace.

    It's not the big hug I long for but it gives me hope that I'll see him again.
    Focus on contribution instead of the impressiveness of consumption to see the true beauty in people.
    • Elona
    • By Elona 11th Feb 18, 9:57 AM
    • 159 Posts
    • 1,746 Thanks
    Elona
    wort

    The good times seem to be so difficult because they are not there to share it or to talk about it and it seems so unfair. We forget that sometimes we need to cry and don't want to tell family in case they worry we are not coping yet we need to go with the flow.

    Hugs
    • wort
    • By wort 11th Feb 18, 10:26 AM
    • 726 Posts
    • 9,853 Thanks
    wort
    Thanks Elona, I am wary about being upset when I'm with my brother, hubby and him were best friends too, and sometimes I feel when he sees me it brings it back. I want to get back to how we were we went out as couples and now I've not just lost my hubby but the fun I had with my brother and sil.
    I know it seems a bit silly he's my brother and we love each other, but it's the pain of seeing each other without hubby. I need to go as just writing this is making me cry.x
    Focus on contribution instead of the impressiveness of consumption to see the true beauty in people.
    • Torry Quine
    • By Torry Quine 11th Feb 18, 5:14 PM
    • 17,171 Posts
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    Torry Quine
    Today is awfully bad. I have cried and howled, no point in getting dressed either.
    Lost my soulmate so life is empty.

    I can bear pain myself, he said softly, but I couldna bear yours. That would take more strength than I have -
    Diana Gabaldon, Outlander
    • Elona
    • By Elona 11th Feb 18, 5:31 PM
    • 159 Posts
    • 1,746 Thanks
    Elona
    Torry

    Just do whatever you need to do. It is very early days and you are not doing any harm by staying in pjs.

    I still have days when I can't face getting dressed and going out and the bad weather does not help.

    Hugs
    • Torry Quine
    • By Torry Quine 11th Feb 18, 6:18 PM
    • 17,171 Posts
    • 26,490 Thanks
    Torry Quine
    I managed to have a shower and put on fresh pyjamas. It feels like an achievement
    Lost my soulmate so life is empty.

    I can bear pain myself, he said softly, but I couldna bear yours. That would take more strength than I have -
    Diana Gabaldon, Outlander
    • Brighton belle
    • By Brighton belle 11th Feb 18, 8:31 PM
    • 5,112 Posts
    • 25,161 Thanks
    Brighton belle
    It is a huge achievement Torry. And if that is all you manage today, plus a a bit to eat and drink, then well, done.
    I try to take one day at a time, but sometimes several days attack me at once
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