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    • Buggins
    • By Buggins 25th Jan 18, 8:49 PM
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    Buggins
    Self help thread. I am a widow coping getting on with it
    • #1
    • 25th Jan 18, 8:49 PM
    Self help thread. I am a widow coping getting on with it 25th Jan 18 at 8:49 PM
    Just wanted to put this thread on to replace the missing one. Worried that some people who have been following the old thread might really need it sometime and won't get the support they need/want. It has, and still does, help me.
Page 3
    • Misslayed
    • By Misslayed 6th Feb 18, 9:46 AM
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    Misslayed
    So sorry for your loss Torry, I hope you get some comfort from this thread, lots of us have been there and feel your pain. Although it's nearly ten years ago in my case, I remember as if it was last week.
    Hi. Martin has asked me to tell you I'm a (novice) Board Guide on the Competitions, Site Feedback and Campaigns boards. I volunteer to help get your forum questions answered and keep the forum running smoothly. Board guides are not moderators and don't read every post. If you spot an abusive or illegal post then please report it to forumteam@moneysavingexpert.com (it's not part of my role to deal with abuse). Any views are mine and not the official line of MoneySavingExpert.com.
    • White_musk
    • By White_musk 6th Feb 18, 3:14 PM
    • 94 Posts
    • 494 Thanks
    White_musk
    So sorry to hear your sad news Torry. No words can make it easier but we are all here for you.

    So, finally I moved house back into the village I lived in with my husband and just seconds away from our old home. I haven't gone to see it yet as I don't know how I will react and there has been so much going on since my move with tradesmen fixing things and doing things I've barely had time to catch my breath. I've chatted with people who I knew when I lived here before and it all just feels so 'right'. While the move was awful even though the company packed up my old house and moved me, they put bags and boxes into all the wrong rooms with the majority ending up in my bedroom. I'm nowhere near organised yet, as soon as I start on another bag/box then someone arrives to do something. Today I've (finally) had my curtain poles put up and so now have curtains. I have been measured for blinds and they will be fitted on the 16th. I can't cook as I've had to order a new cooker and I'm still waiting for it to be delivered. I seem to have a never ending stream of deliveries which has cost an arm and a leg to right what's wrong here.

    I sound like I regret the move but I truly don't. I feel safe, secure, at peace and somehow connected to my husband again. I have a wonderful neighbour and my little house is day by day looking more like my home.

    I do quite often have a little chuckle to myself, this bungalow is so much smaller than my other one (I've had to get rid of so much stuff - yippee) that I've finally been forced to live with only things I'll use and not stuff I 'might' use. I love it. I wanted a smaller house and this one will be perfect once I've finished chucking out what I don't need/won't fit.

    I need a new boiler and kitchen but they are going to have to wait a little while, having the basics done is more important at the moment, once they're done then I will steel myself for the upheaval of a new boiler and kitchen. The house is really old and has some lovely quirks but the sloping kitchen ceiling isn't one of them. The poor electrician fitting new lights ended up with him, me and the floor covered in plaster, so a new ceiling will be required when I do the kitchen, It is quite a high ceiling so it will give me chance to drop it down a little bit.

    I hope everyone is well, now I've got the move out of the way, I hope to be much more active here. I really miss the old thread, it had so much information and comfort within it.
    God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, wisdom to know the difference.
    • Torry Quine
    • By Torry Quine 6th Feb 18, 3:40 PM
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    Torry Quine
    Today I put his medication back to the pharmacy and the collection from the funeral into the bank. I'm not doing well, but people keep telling me that I am.
    Lost my soulmate so life is empty.

    I can bear pain myself, he said softly, but I couldna bear yours. That would take more strength than I have -
    Diana Gabaldon, Outlander
    • White_musk
    • By White_musk 6th Feb 18, 4:21 PM
    • 94 Posts
    • 494 Thanks
    White_musk
    Today I put his medication back to the pharmacy and the collection from the funeral into the bank. I'm not doing well, but people keep telling me that I am.
    Originally posted by Torry Quine
    I do think people try to be kind but the simple truth is, no one can understand the loss of a life partner unless they've been through it. When that loss is sudden (mine was too) it takes time to realise properly what's happened and even longer to be able to begin the journey of moving on. Now moving on, that's a whole different story. Bless you Torry, I know you must feel like you're in a waking nightmare. Keep posting your thoughts and feelings, I do believe it helps.
    God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, wisdom to know the difference.
    • Torry Quine
    • By Torry Quine 6th Feb 18, 4:26 PM
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    Torry Quine
    I do think people try to be kind but the simple truth is, no one can understand the loss of a life partner unless they've been through it. When that loss is sudden (mine was too) it takes time to realise properly what's happened and even longer to be able to begin the journey of moving on. Now moving on, that's a whole different story. Bless you Torry, I know you must feel like you're in a waking nightmare. Keep posting your thoughts and feelings, I do believe it helps.
    Originally posted by White_musk
    If someone else tells me I need structure in my day and I have to do something I think I'll scream!! I just want him back and can't imagine how I can go on without him
    Lost my soulmate so life is empty.

    I can bear pain myself, he said softly, but I couldna bear yours. That would take more strength than I have -
    Diana Gabaldon, Outlander
    • White_musk
    • By White_musk 6th Feb 18, 4:36 PM
    • 94 Posts
    • 494 Thanks
    White_musk
    If someone else tells me I need structure in my day and I have to do something I think I'll scream!! I just want him back and can't imagine how I can go on without him
    Originally posted by Torry Quine
    You need to do things that are right for you. Your grief your way of dealing with it. I completely understand wanting him back and not being able to imagine going on without him, I felt exactly the same. I just seemed to fall into a pattern of taking one minute at a time, even one second at a time when I needed to. I did what *I* needed for me, it's a time to be totally selfish and put YOU first, your needs, your wants, your feelings, your emotions and bu**er what anyone else has to say on the matter. Your head will not be your own, your thoughts irrational and you will not be like your normal self. That's OK! This is not normal. Your entire life has been tipped on it's head and you are going to need time, a long long time to begin to process all of this.
    God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, wisdom to know the difference.
    • Torry Quine
    • By Torry Quine 6th Feb 18, 4:42 PM
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    Torry Quine
    You need to do things that are right for you. Your grief your way of dealing with it. I completely understand wanting him back and not being able to imagine going on without him, I felt exactly the same. I just seemed to fall into a pattern of taking one minute at a time, even one second at a time when I needed to. I did what *I* needed for me, it's a time to be totally selfish and put YOU first, your needs, your wants, your feelings, your emotions and bu**er what anyone else has to say on the matter. Your head will not be your own, your thoughts irrational and you will not be like your normal self. That's OK! This is not normal. Your entire life has been tipped on it's head and you are going to need time, a long long time to begin to process all of this.
    Originally posted by White_musk
    Thanks that's how I feel. I spend most of the time crying and howling especially when on my own. Only got dressed at 1pm because someone was coming round at 1:30. I don't see why that's wrong.
    Lost my soulmate so life is empty.

    I can bear pain myself, he said softly, but I couldna bear yours. That would take more strength than I have -
    Diana Gabaldon, Outlander
    • White_musk
    • By White_musk 6th Feb 18, 4:46 PM
    • 94 Posts
    • 494 Thanks
    White_musk
    Thanks that's how I feel. I spend most of the time crying and howling especially when on my own. Only got dressed at 1pm because someone was coming round at 1:30. I don't see why that's wrong.
    Originally posted by Torry Quine
    It isn't wrong, not one bit is it wrong. I didn't cook for a week 10 days something like that, I lived on crisps and chocolate. So what! I didn't do myself any harm. I didn't shower for a few days as it just didn't occur to me. Was I wrong? No, of course I wasn't I was dealing with a horrendous situation in the best way I could. (((hugs)))
    God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, wisdom to know the difference.
    • Misslayed
    • By Misslayed 7th Feb 18, 7:03 PM
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    Misslayed
    Nothing is wrong, you must do what feels right, even if it's staring at the wall all day. No one knows how you feel, or what is right for you. I think I lived on M&S cooked chicken, tinned sweet corn and white bread rolls for days at a time. Just one day at a time. There will be many small steps along the way, some will really hurt, some will bring small relief. Only you will know which is which.
    Sending you virtual hugs and a casserole.
    Hi. Martin has asked me to tell you I'm a (novice) Board Guide on the Competitions, Site Feedback and Campaigns boards. I volunteer to help get your forum questions answered and keep the forum running smoothly. Board guides are not moderators and don't read every post. If you spot an abusive or illegal post then please report it to forumteam@moneysavingexpert.com (it's not part of my role to deal with abuse). Any views are mine and not the official line of MoneySavingExpert.com.
    • Torry Quine
    • By Torry Quine 7th Feb 18, 9:38 PM
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    Torry Quine
    Saw my GP today. I'm to continue with my sleeping tablets on alternate nights. Seeing her again next week. Also seeing a counsellor at the cancer support centre on Friday. Last night was bad si called the Samaritans at 4am just to hear a friendly voice. Still wailing and crying lots.
    Lost my soulmate so life is empty.

    I can bear pain myself, he said softly, but I couldna bear yours. That would take more strength than I have -
    Diana Gabaldon, Outlander
    • Brighton belle
    • By Brighton belle 7th Feb 18, 10:09 PM
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    Brighton belle
    Really glad you rang the Samaritans Torry - that is what they are there for.
    I just want to echo what others are saying - there is no way you can cope with more than an hour at a time at the mo, let alone 'have some sort of 'stucture'. No the pain is too bad. Just getting up and dressed, at some point in the day, is a huge achievement.
    I hope you managed to have a little food today.
    I try to take one day at a time, but sometimes several days attack me at once
    • Torry Quine
    • By Torry Quine 7th Feb 18, 10:19 PM
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    Torry Quine
    Really glad you rang the Samaritans Torry - that is what they are there for.
    I just want to echo what others are saying - there is no way you can cope with more than an hour at a time at the mo, let alone 'have some sort of 'stucture'. No the pain is too bad. Just getting up and dressed, at some point in the day, is a huge achievement.
    I hope you managed to have a little food today.
    Originally posted by Brighton belle
    I had some baked potato at lunch. A friend came round in the evening and took me out for a burger. It gave me a distraction for a little bit.
    Lost my soulmate so life is empty.

    I can bear pain myself, he said softly, but I couldna bear yours. That would take more strength than I have -
    Diana Gabaldon, Outlander
    • Brighton belle
    • By Brighton belle 7th Feb 18, 10:40 PM
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    Brighton belle
    That's good you managed to eat something and had a brief time of distraction. You must be utterly exhausted on every level.
    I hope the night is not too long but know it probably will be. The Samaritans will be there again tonight if you need them.
    I try to take one day at a time, but sometimes several days attack me at once
    • Misslayed
    • By Misslayed 8th Feb 18, 8:51 PM
    • 4,356 Posts
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    Misslayed
    Good evening Torry, how has your day been?
    Hi. Martin has asked me to tell you I'm a (novice) Board Guide on the Competitions, Site Feedback and Campaigns boards. I volunteer to help get your forum questions answered and keep the forum running smoothly. Board guides are not moderators and don't read every post. If you spot an abusive or illegal post then please report it to forumteam@moneysavingexpert.com (it's not part of my role to deal with abuse). Any views are mine and not the official line of MoneySavingExpert.com.
    • Torry Quine
    • By Torry Quine 8th Feb 18, 10:26 PM
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    Torry Quine
    Good evening Torry, how has your day been?
    Originally posted by Misslayed
    Last night was a better sleep with the sleeping tablet, tonight I don't have one so it could be a long night. Afriend took me out for a coffee which broke up my day. Coming home to an empty house is so hard.
    Lost my soulmate so life is empty.

    I can bear pain myself, he said softly, but I couldna bear yours. That would take more strength than I have -
    Diana Gabaldon, Outlander
    • Misslayed
    • By Misslayed 8th Feb 18, 10:33 PM
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    Misslayed
    I'm sometimes on line in the small hours, others may be too. Always worth a post to see who responds.
    The nights can be so long, but nobody says you must sleep, or stay in your bed.
    There's all kinds of carp on the tv in the night time. I'm not suggesting you want to watch it, it's just a noise, or company while you howl, if that's what you need to do.
    Sending you a virtual hug
    Hi. Martin has asked me to tell you I'm a (novice) Board Guide on the Competitions, Site Feedback and Campaigns boards. I volunteer to help get your forum questions answered and keep the forum running smoothly. Board guides are not moderators and don't read every post. If you spot an abusive or illegal post then please report it to forumteam@moneysavingexpert.com (it's not part of my role to deal with abuse). Any views are mine and not the official line of MoneySavingExpert.com.
    • Misslayed
    • By Misslayed 8th Feb 18, 10:46 PM
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    Misslayed
    PS Your house is not completely empty, some of us are lurking in the ether, ready to support you through this trying time, however long it takes.
    Hi. Martin has asked me to tell you I'm a (novice) Board Guide on the Competitions, Site Feedback and Campaigns boards. I volunteer to help get your forum questions answered and keep the forum running smoothly. Board guides are not moderators and don't read every post. If you spot an abusive or illegal post then please report it to forumteam@moneysavingexpert.com (it's not part of my role to deal with abuse). Any views are mine and not the official line of MoneySavingExpert.com.
    • Torry Quine
    • By Torry Quine 8th Feb 18, 10:50 PM
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    Torry Quine
    PS Your house is not completely empty, some of us are lurking in the ether, ready to support you through this trying time, however long it takes.
    Originally posted by Misslayed
    Thanks that's good.
    Lost my soulmate so life is empty.

    I can bear pain myself, he said softly, but I couldna bear yours. That would take more strength than I have -
    Diana Gabaldon, Outlander
    • wort
    • By wort 9th Feb 18, 10:31 AM
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    • 9,702 Thanks
    wort
    Oh Torry, I feel your pain, some days are worse than others. As someone said ignore those who tell you to get a routine or how you should feel, no one but you know how you feel.

    I was lucky I have a large caring family, my sister still calls round every day. I've wished to go back in time, and to do things differently but I've realised that's normal, I talk to him as I wonder round the house,and speak about him all the time the same way I did when he was alive.
    He'll always be a big part of my life, and I'm lucky we had those 30 years together.

    I hope you find counselling a help, I only went around 3 times but just sitting and saying every thing I wanted to say ,the unfairness, the loss and crying uninhibited was very helpful to me. Make sure to take sunglasses to cover your face if walking home, I had some stares!
    Remember the shock is a big part of your grief too. It is still hard for me to realise that this is my life now and it will never be the same.
    But I must carry on I owe it to both of us .

    It's good you rang the samaritans, I read a book my sister gave me ,called death and how to survive it by Kate Boy Dell, She was a young widow herself with 2 children . It's her story and it's not all sad she shares her feelings and advice, she also has a website www.merrywidow.me.uk
    Big hugs xx
    Focus on contribution instead of the impressiveness of consumption to see the true beauty in people.
    • wort
    • By wort 9th Feb 18, 10:45 AM
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    wort
    White musk I'm pleased your move has gone well, and you're feeling it's been the right thing to do, we make some strange choices when we are grieving don't we. Having nice neighbours is good and though it will take time to get exactly how you want it, it's made you feel more settled if I'm reading it right.
    I kondoed my house, and I love it , I find everything easily, and it's so easy to clean and look after. I'm actually finding I want to have less and less!!
    I hope you'll be happy in your new home x
    Focus on contribution instead of the impressiveness of consumption to see the true beauty in people.
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