Your browser isn't supported
It looks like you're using an old web browser. To get the most out of the site and to ensure guides display correctly, we suggest upgrading your browser now. Download the latest:

Welcome to the MSE Forums

We're home to a fantastic community of MoneySavers but anyone can post. Please exercise caution & report spam, illegal, offensive or libellous posts/messages: click "report" or email forumteam@.

Search
  • FIRST POST
    • Buggins
    • By Buggins 25th Jan 18, 8:49 PM
    • 313Posts
    • 218Thanks
    Buggins
    Self help thread. I am a widow coping getting on with it
    • #1
    • 25th Jan 18, 8:49 PM
    Self help thread. I am a widow coping getting on with it 25th Jan 18 at 8:49 PM
    Just wanted to put this thread on to replace the missing one. Worried that some people who have been following the old thread might really need it sometime and won't get the support they need/want. It has, and still does, help me.
Page 27
    • wort
    • By wort 16th May 18, 10:56 AM
    • 766 Posts
    • 10,158 Thanks
    wort
    Elona , I'm thinking of you, big hugs for your anniversary.

    When I mentioned the video clip with hubby's voice on, to my friend at work, she said oh do you want to hear that? is it not upsetting?, yet my sister said her daughter who lost her partner 8 years ago in Afghanistan, said she would have loved something with his voice on. The difference between someone whose lost a partner and one who has not.
    I was having another bad day yesterday in work I found myself in tears a couple of times, but it was busy so I had to get on with it. Then I was exhausted at home, so didn't succumb to tears, I caught up with some light hearted tv programme. Then went to bed.
    Hope everyone is well. Much love.x
    Focus on contribution instead of the impressiveness of consumption to see the true beauty in people.
    • wort
    • By wort 16th May 18, 11:04 AM
    • 766 Posts
    • 10,158 Thanks
    wort
    Kittie , that's so sad, I hope that kissing him goodbye at least will help, ease the pain , that he knew you loved him, I'm struggling to remember things I said to him at the hospital, I know I didn't want to upset him, and say anything that would let him know he was dying. Though he probably realised.
    We beat ourselves up over these things don't we? When I'm sure they realise how much love we have for them. There's never the right way to express how much at the time. X
    Focus on contribution instead of the impressiveness of consumption to see the true beauty in people.
    • Buggins
    • By Buggins 16th May 18, 6:49 PM
    • 313 Posts
    • 218 Thanks
    Buggins
    The 2 year anniversary of my husband's death is next week and I am trying to be 'normal' however a couple of people have asked what I am planning on doing! Have I overlooked something by trying to carry on regardless? Any thoughts....
    • itsanne
    • By itsanne 17th May 18, 12:20 AM
    • 4,453 Posts
    • 10,508 Thanks
    itsanne
    The 2 year anniversary of my husband's death is next week and I am trying to be 'normal' however a couple of people have asked what I am planning on doing! Have I overlooked something by trying to carry on regardless? Any thoughts....
    Originally posted by Buggins
    It's an odd one, isn't it - a date of which we are very acutely aware, but one we might well not want to mark.

    Some people do like some sort of remembrance, but I'd be like you in carrying on as 'normal'. Last year (the first) had the joys of mammogram and dentist. The date jumped out when the appointments arrived, but in some respects it felt right to have less than pleasant things to do on the day. In the end, having been counting down the minutes until "The Time" from about a week beforehand, the actual time slipped by unnoticed while I sat in the dentist 's chair. That suited me, as I didn't want to focus on him dying despite it having been all I'd thought about for weeks beforehand.

    There's no right or wrong way of spending the day: do whatever you're comfortable with and don't worry about what people who don't know what it's like think you should do. I hope the day goes as well as it can.
    . . .I did not speak out

    Then they came for me
    And there was no one left
    To speak out for me..

    Martin Niemoller
    • kittie
    • By kittie 17th May 18, 7:03 AM
    • 11,982 Posts
    • 74,973 Thanks
    kittie
    I deliberately am not very aware of any date, I have to look dates up and rely on the fact that I get reminders for hair appointments and dentist. This is my mind blocking dates out. I don`t know what I was doing on the third anniversary, nor his birthday. I have to be low key on my own birthday, I told no-one here that I was 70 a few months ago, children did a surprise meal out that day but that was as far as I wanted to go. I find my birthday the worst time. I am sure that I block things out, to protect me

    I just saw on the news about that awful murder of a beautiful 83 year old lady, living in a bungalow amongst other bungalows, the trusting generation
    • Buggins
    • By Buggins 17th May 18, 8:24 AM
    • 313 Posts
    • 218 Thanks
    Buggins
    Thank you Itsanne and Kittie - I intend to keep busy and get through Tuesday as quickly as possible! Perhaps in different cultures they light a candle or have a ceremony.....
    • wort
    • By wort 17th May 18, 8:31 AM
    • 766 Posts
    • 10,158 Thanks
    wort
    Sending hugs Buggins, my 1st year anniversary is next month, I know that my niece usually makes sure she's busy on the day, and maybe friends are making sure you're not going g to be alone.

    My friends want to go out for lunch/dinner on my wedding anniversary which is a couple of days before my birthday, I'm not sure what to do as I don't know how I'll feel on the day? It may be a good way to keep my mind occupied, though I know I'll get family visiting anyway.
    A couple of days after my birthday I'm going on holiday, and will be on the cruise when the actual date of his death happens, on the same ship that he fell ill this time last year, I'm doing what we missed, and finishing our cruise. We had gone for 2 weeks and was brought home after a week.
    I'm either very brave or very stupid only time will tell.!
    So June is a month of "dates" to get out of the way.
    Kittie I'm glad you had family round you on your birthday, I hoped it helped.X
    Focus on contribution instead of the impressiveness of consumption to see the true beauty in people.
    • Elona
    • By Elona 18th May 18, 8:29 PM
    • 185 Posts
    • 2,055 Thanks
    Elona
    wort

    I think that you are brave

    Hugs
    • lessonlearned
    • By lessonlearned 19th May 18, 9:04 AM
    • 9,964 Posts
    • 62,188 Thanks
    lessonlearned
    Hello everyone

    Sorry to hear that so many are struggling with those Red Letter Days. They can be so very difficult and I think we just have to navigate them as best we can. My friend, who has been widowed for 10 years now, recently commemorated the 10th year. She was very down for a few days.

    Wort.......I too think you are extremely brave going on the cruise. However, I can see why you want to do it. I think it will be cathartic for you. And, although it may be difficult for you at times, I think that by doing it you will get a real sense of achievement. I guess it will be sort of like a pilgrimage. I too feel that way a bit. When I take my big adventure trips I do it in my husband's name as well as my own. He travels with me in spirit. Wishing you well.

    Well quick update.

    Yesterday I accepted an offer on my house. FTB, so hopefully a nice easy sale. I am viewing my favourite maybe property on Monday. One of my sons is coming with me. I shall also do some drive bys tomorrow on some of the other possibles.

    I have been thinking about money......well it is a money saving website and as I am sure you are all aware we widows do have to think Long and hard about money sometimes. We do have to think about our future financial security.

    So, after mulling things over, I have decided I will not buy to the top of my budget unless I absolutely have to. Despite that I have decided I will probably take out a small mortgage and not buy outright. I have spoken to a broker and he assures me I will have no difficulty in obtaining a mortgage, despite my advancing years.

    This means that I can conserve more capital to reinvest, for capital growth and then in the future for additional income. I have found that once you start drawing down capital it can be difficult to build it up again. At least it would be for me unless I found a well paid job. And that's not really a realistic proposition. I wouldn't mind part time work but the only things I have been offered so far are full time and I just don't want that.

    At the moment my Income, whilst not overly generous, is sufficient for my current needs but I do need to forward plan, it probably won't keep pace with inflation and as I get older my needs are likely to change. I should imagine I will need to buy in help one day. Hopefully not for a long time yet.

    I feel I am too young to start drawing down capital, I want it to grow, so for now I want to keep saving and investing. A small mortgage will help me do this.

    Gosh, there is so much to think about......
    • poppy811
    • By poppy811 20th May 18, 10:35 AM
    • 76 Posts
    • 1,072 Thanks
    poppy811
    Morning everyone
    Well the headstone is ordered and should be in place for the 2nd. anniversary of my husband's death. I feel I need to mark the grave properly as the house is on the market and I may move out of the village.

    Kittie oil heating is fine, we have consortium in the village so we get the oil at a discount because of bulk ordering.

    I am off to do a carboot shortly in an effort to declutter and earn a little money. I find motivating myself so hard and the lack of a purpose particularly as my 'local' grandchildren are away on an extended visit to New Zealand with their Mum. Their other Granny is terminally ill and naturally DDIL wants to spend time with her. A dear friend of mine died recently and having talked to his widow I realise that I have come a long way since those awful agonising days. Hope this lovely weather is helping us all a bit
    • Elona
    • By Elona 20th May 18, 9:15 PM
    • 185 Posts
    • 2,055 Thanks
    Elona
    I woke up early around six and manged to get back to sleep until eight when I heard a rapping at the front door.

    Much to my surprise it was middle dd who spent the morning with me and we had a good catch up as well as breakfast and lunch before she drove back home. Youngest dd phoned us both and said she is popping back next weekend for Friday evening and maybe Sunday and two dds can have a girlie evening.

    I am not sure if they remember next weekend would be a wedding anniversary but think they probably do but don't want to stress it.

    I am going to meet another dd in York tomorrow afternoon but need to get home before five as a friend of older dd and her husband and toddler are staying overnight and I am babysitting the next day. Must remember to buy a couple of toys or bubble kit. I found a gorgeous grey wicker Moses basket on a rocking stand with a safety mattress in an online sale at 95 off rrp so have ordered it to stay at my house and will set it up in a bedroom once baby has arrived.

    Hugs to all
    • wort
    • By wort 22nd May 18, 8:02 PM
    • 766 Posts
    • 10,158 Thanks
    wort
    Thanks Elona, and LL Time will tell!
    Well done selling your house ,I hope you find something suitable soon. I wish I was more savvy with investment, I'm always scared to take risks, and do worry wether I'll manage money wise.
    Poppy it will be nice if the headstone is in for the anniversary, I know what you mean about there being some kind of memorial.
    Elona a girlie day sounds great, I enjoy them with friends also with family, we did something on Saturday, sat in the garden at my nieces drinking pimms.
    I rather think people are aware at the moment, of dates I received flowers from my niece and dd1 this week.
    Focus on contribution instead of the impressiveness of consumption to see the true beauty in people.
    • lessonlearned
    • By lessonlearned 23rd May 18, 7:31 AM
    • 9,964 Posts
    • 62,188 Thanks
    lessonlearned
    Hello Everyone

    Wort hope you are ok. It's nice people are remembering you and sending flowers. Hope it makes you feel a bit better.

    Well I am just about in full panic mode now. I know House moving is always difficult but right now I feel my stress levels are going through the roof. I have not been able to find my next house yet, there are so many dogs out there. And now my buyers are making what I think are stupid and unreasonable requests. Hey ho. I guess that's par for the course.

    I am viewing a house today but again I don't think it's going to be suitable. I am more tempted than ever just to go into rented for a while, to take the pressure off, otherwise I might make a rushed decision and make an expensive mistake I come to regret.

    I am sick of trailing through Rightmove. I was awake at stupid o clock this morning and the first thing I could think of when I woke up was I don't really want to House hunt any more. However, I do have to move. I can't stay here indefinitley, and I guess may as well do it now whilst I am still in my 60s. I think I just need to take a step back and have a breather rather than trying to plough on and do it all in one fell swoop.

    How I miss my husband, his wit and good counsel. Moving would have been a pleasure and an adventure instead of what it is now, just one big headache. Oh well I guess I will just have to put "my big girls knickers on" and get on with it.
    .
    At least my broker has come up with a good deal for me so that's something.
    • lessonlearned
    • By lessonlearned 23rd May 18, 4:35 PM
    • 9,964 Posts
    • 62,188 Thanks
    lessonlearned
    Quick update.

    Viewed the house, loved it, made an offer, had it accepted.

    Phew.

    It's a bungalow with a bedroom upstairs. Chalet bungalow?? Anyway perfect to meet my changing needs. I get to keep using the stairs as long as possible to keep my legs strong. Then if I get to the stage where it's too much of a struggle to use the stairs then I can sleep in the downstairs bedroom and have the upstairs bedroom for visitors.

    It does need a bit of work but it's mainly cosmetic so I can take my time.

    What a relief, a real weight off my shoulders.
    • humptydumptybits
    • By humptydumptybits 23rd May 18, 7:30 PM
    • 364 Posts
    • 747 Thanks
    humptydumptybits
    Moving is stressful. We last did it 20 years ago and I swore never again. I think I am ready now to think about it. At least you have a buyer and something you want so you are well on your way now.
    • kittie
    • By kittie 23rd May 18, 8:39 PM
    • 11,982 Posts
    • 74,973 Thanks
    kittie
    oh my goodness, I am so pleased for you LL. Yes it isn`t exciting, this moving malarky, it is an adventure but really is a difficult thing to do solo


    Nothing for me yet, two houses came up on RM bur one was far too big and one had an acre and surrounded by fields


    Some interesting stuff: nationwide are proposing a lifetime interest only mortgage for over 55s. Very exciting, it means that people can move/escape or get jobs done without having equity release
    • lessonlearned
    • By lessonlearned 23rd May 18, 11:29 PM
    • 9,964 Posts
    • 62,188 Thanks
    lessonlearned
    Kittie.....you are right. There has been a big shake up in the mortgage market this last couple of years. There are a lot more senior mortgages available now, plenty of options and ways to refinance.

    I can have a 29 year capital repayment mortgage.....I shall be 67 in July. Because of the long term, the payments aren't much higher than interest only. As long as I take out protection to cover the mortgage in case of my demise. And because I have no serious health issues the protection insurance is not too expensive. And because it is underwritten now, it won't increase even if my health deteriorates,

    The mortgage will be fixed for 5 years at 3.19 % so a really good deal. I can make overpayments of 10 per cent per year during the 5 year period and then just clear the remaining balance whenever I wish after that. Although to be honest the monthly repayments are so low I might not even bother because inflation reduces their impact over time anyway, it all depends on what happens to interest rates in 5 years time. If they are high then I will pay off the mortgage. If they remain low I might not bother. It might be more fruitful to just keep my investments and then let the income generated cover the mortgage payments.

    I am only borrowing around 20 per cent of the purchase price, so only a small mortgage. I don't actually need a mortgage, I could buy outright but doing it this way helps me conserve my savings and capital.

    I think it's wiser to keep as much capital as possible because once you start raiding it, then it can be difficult to replenish the coffers. Finding a small payment each month is much easier. Plus of course my capital can continue earning and growing. Apparently this is called "opportunity costs". If you spend it, it's gone. If you don't, it grows and creates more.

    It has only taken me a lifetime to understand this.......How I wish I had grasped that when I was in my 20s. hey ho, better a lesson learned Late then never at all. .

    Anyway, At the moment my investments are geared to growth rather than paying me an income because I can usually manage on my pensions, without having to dip into savings. If I do then I usually try and put the money back as quickly as possible.

    Later, as I get older, then I will probably need more income so then I will switch to more income producing investments.

    It's a balancing act. I am not a miser, and I live quite comfortably but My pension income is quite modest and I'm always mindful that pensions don't usually keep pace with inflation. So in a few years time my pensions will look even less generous than they are now.

    The good news about the bungalow is that although it needs a bit of work it is basically elbow grease, grunt work and gallons of paint. The big things have already been done, even the boiler is new and under guarantee.

    Of course there are always the unexpected expenses. Roof repairs etc don't come cheap so another reason to hold onto capital. One never knows.

    Of course being a bungalow I can a lot of the decorating and simple routine maintenance myself, although not the roof of course. I won't even need a window cleaner just yet and the boys can clean the guttering etc. It's perfectly liveable as it is so I can take my time and not overdo things. So I can't see the work costing a lot of money, just materials, no real labour costs. And over time I can make the garden easier to maintain, although again the big expensive hard landscaping has already been done.

    I have to say I am really relieved to have found this house. I was starting to get rather demoralised and frustrated. It only came on the market a few days ago so I just pounced. There was a lot if interest, if I had dithered I would have lost it. I Just hope it all goes through smoothly.
    Last edited by lessonlearned; 23-05-2018 at 11:31 PM.
    • lessonlearned
    • By lessonlearned 23rd May 18, 11:36 PM
    • 9,964 Posts
    • 62,188 Thanks
    lessonlearned
    Moving is stressful. We last did it 20 years ago and I swore never again. I think I am ready now to think about it. At least you have a buyer and something you want so you are well on your way now.
    Originally posted by humptydumptybits
    Fingers crossed. It's only a short chain, three in total, so hopefully it won't collapse.
    • humptydumptybits
    • By humptydumptybits 24th May 18, 9:09 AM
    • 364 Posts
    • 747 Thanks
    humptydumptybits
    Chains can be a nightmare. I think I've been quite lucky as my first house was bought from an elderly man in a care home so no chain, the second one we sold to first time buyers and bought from people who were ex pats so only 3 in the chain, 3rd house the previous owner had died and our buyers had cash. This house we kept house number 3 for a couple of years and let it and the sellers were moving to a bungalow but I'm not sure of further on in the chain. I still found it all stressful so dread to think what it is like for people in a long chain.


    I've got a buy to let and think if I sell this house I will move into the buy to let so won't feel pressured to find "the" house. I'll probably be moving long distance to be nearer to kids so I would sell the buy to let then as well once settled, don't fancy being a long distance landlord. I was working hard last week getting it ready for new tenants. It is funny because I've always had quite stressful jobs and it never bothered me but the stress of moving really does bother me.
    • lessonlearned
    • By lessonlearned 24th May 18, 10:16 AM
    • 9,964 Posts
    • 62,188 Thanks
    lessonlearned
    I think the stress of moving is linked to our need for security, what I call the "nesting instinct". It's very powerful and it can be very unsettling when we find ourselves in a state of flux.

    Since my husband went into care and I sold the family home I haven't really felt "settled" anywhere. I had to move 3 times in 3 years, plus a few weeks staying with family, so rather unsettling. I ha e been here almost 4 years and although I do like it, I have always known it would be temporary. I think this new house will be a lovely, cosy home which hopefully will help me feel grounded and secure. And, which hopefully will be sufficiently future proof to meet my changing needs. Hopefully a forever home.

    The moment I stepped over the threshold it just felt right, almost familiar. Then last evening when reviewing it all, it struck me, it reminded me of my Belgian grandparents home. Grandfather died in 1963 and my grandmother moved into a convent, so it is over 50 years ago now but I can remember their little house as if it were yesterday.

    Funny what memories can be evoked.

    Humpty......Using your BTL As a stepping stone sounds like a brilliant plan. It will take a lot of stress out of the equation.
    Last edited by lessonlearned; Yesterday at 10:57 AM.
Welcome to our new Forum!

Our aim is to save you money quickly and easily. We hope you like it!

Forum Team Contact us

Live Stats

452Posts Today

5,531Users online

Martin's Twitter
  • It's the start of mini MSE's half term. In order to be the best daddy possible, Im stopping work and going off line? https://t.co/kwjvtd75YU

  • RT @shellsince1982: @MartinSLewis thanx to your email I have just saved myself £222 by taking a SIM only deal for £7.50 a month and keeping?

  • Today's Friday twitter poll: An important question, building on yesterday's important discussions: Which is the best bit of the pizza...

  • Follow Martin