Your browser isn't supported
It looks like you're using an old web browser. To get the most out of the site and to ensure guides display correctly, we suggest upgrading your browser now. Download the latest:

Welcome to the MSE Forums

We're home to a fantastic community of MoneySavers but anyone can post. Please exercise caution & report spam, illegal, offensive or libellous posts/messages: click "report" or email forumteam@.

Search
  • FIRST POST
    • Buggins
    • By Buggins 25th Jan 18, 8:49 PM
    • 313Posts
    • 217Thanks
    Buggins
    Self help thread. I am a widow coping getting on with it
    • #1
    • 25th Jan 18, 8:49 PM
    Self help thread. I am a widow coping getting on with it 25th Jan 18 at 8:49 PM
    Just wanted to put this thread on to replace the missing one. Worried that some people who have been following the old thread might really need it sometime and won't get the support they need/want. It has, and still does, help me.
Page 26
    • itsanne
    • By itsanne 9th May 18, 10:50 AM
    • 4,453 Posts
    • 10,508 Thanks
    itsanne
    Jaybee, thinking of you today.
    . . .I did not speak out

    Then they came for me
    And there was no one left
    To speak out for me..

    Martin Niemoller
    • jaybee
    • By jaybee 9th May 18, 3:48 PM
    • 1,409 Posts
    • 2,620 Thanks
    jaybee
    Thank you kitty for your kind thoughts and poppy811 and itsanne too. I know that you have helped me through today.

    I'm home again now and I feel as though a great weight has been lifted.

    The Coroner was very kind and sensitive but it was rather gruelling hearing all the graphic descriptions and so on. Had H been a lot younger and a lot healthier overall he would still have only had a 15% chance of surviving his has surgery. I was especially pleased to be able to thank the consultants again. They thanked me too!!

    Well, I can draw a line under that now and hopefully begin to move forward. Obviously I'll never forget but finally there are no more formalities to deal with.
    • jaybee
    • By jaybee 9th May 18, 3:53 PM
    • 1,409 Posts
    • 2,620 Thanks
    jaybee
    Thank you kitty for your kind thoughts and poppy811 and itsanne too. I know that you have helped me through today.

    I'm home again now and I feel as though a great weight has been lifted.

    The Coroner was very kind and sensitive but it was rather gruelling hearing all the graphic descriptions and so on. Had H been a lot younger and a lot healthier overall he would still have only had a 15% chance of surviving his last surgery. I was especially pleased to be able to thank the consultants again. They thanked me too!!

    Well, I can draw a line under that now and hopefully begin to move forward. Obviously I'll never forget but finally there are no more formalities to deal with.
    • wort
    • By wort 9th May 18, 5:10 PM
    • 765 Posts
    • 10,147 Thanks
    wort
    Jaybee, I'm so glad it's out of the way now, for you, I was thinking of you and hope it's given you a little peace. Xxx
    Focus on contribution instead of the impressiveness of consumption to see the true beauty in people.
    • wort
    • By wort 9th May 18, 5:24 PM
    • 765 Posts
    • 10,147 Thanks
    wort
    Kittie, I think you have a point, I hadn't realised what it was but not having a purpose anymore hits home for me, all this busyness and filling our time I feel like I am waiting for something but don't know what.
    On Monday I sat outside to eat my tea, but there was no pleasure in it, on my own. I could hear the couple next door and I felt upset, I'm 54 years old and I feel there's nothing left anymore.
    Tomorrow will be 12 months since we set off on holiday for 2 weeks , that ended in being flown home after a week and my love going into hospital, where has that year gone? I still can't believe I'm talking about my life, I feel a fraud, that it's not me I'm talking about,how can this be my life now?
    A full nights sleep would be great, my menopause seems to have been ratched up,since my bereavement .
    Sorry, I don't mean to pull you down, smiley face back on now, I'm about to gout in a couple of hours, if only people knew what happened behind our doors. Much love all X
    Focus on contribution instead of the impressiveness of consumption to see the true beauty in people.
    • kittie
    • By kittie 9th May 18, 6:03 PM
    • 11,975 Posts
    • 74,888 Thanks
    kittie
    oh jaybee, really you need a GnT, a kind of ceremony to make a demarkation between the last few months and your life going forward. That must be a very heavy weight lifted from you and you can allow yourself a little smile

    Wort I read on another thread that you aren`t sleeping too well and I read that you are liking fruit and nut chocolate in the evening. The caffeine in chocolate has a half life of up to 5 hours and that is why I eat any chocolate by mid-day. There is also something else with chocolate and it can trigger acid reflux and gerd and I mean silent gerd, the one we don`t know we have but it makes us wake up in the night, swallowing and maybe coughing. I get silent gerd and that is why my last meal is light and eaten by 5.30. I also keep gaviscon very handy upstairs and I take it if I feel any rumblings. It contains alginate which makes a good raft of bubbles to keep the acid down. Important not to take anything after alginate or it will make a hole in that protective raft. It took me years to work out why I was coughing in the night and it was evening chocolate giving me gerd plus the caffeine hit. I am so sorry you are in the menopause as well
    Last edited by kittie; 09-05-2018 at 6:05 PM.
    • jaybee
    • By jaybee 9th May 18, 7:28 PM
    • 1,409 Posts
    • 2,620 Thanks
    jaybee
    Thank you wort. I do feel a lot more at peace now that today is over.

    Ah kittie! I have had a GnT this evening! I feel so much more relaxed and very tired. For once I am actually looking forward to going to bed tonight - I really feel that I shall be able to sleep rather better tonight. Don't worry - I didn't have that much gin!!!

    From tomorrow I must really start to plan a better eating regime - I have been indulging in far too much comfort eating lately so that must stop.
    • wort
    • By wort 10th May 18, 7:56 AM
    • 765 Posts
    • 10,147 Thanks
    wort
    Kittie I will bear that in mind, though that was only a couple of times recently as I don't generally eat much chocolate. Would the same apply to hot chocolate drink? Do you know?
    It's definitely the hot flushes that wake me, and I'm desperately thirsty, I'm drinking water by the bottle at night..
    Last night I woke at 3.30 with my back ,as stabbing pain, I've been having more back pain in last couple of months, I hate tablets so try not to take them, but did get up and rub ibuprofen gel on my back.
    Then the dawn chorus started at 4.50, and even after I closed the window I could hear them.
    I'm waiting for a hospital appointment for my neuromas in my foot, and have wondered if the worsening back pain is my body reacting to the foot pain!!! Holding myself differently without realising.
    I'm working this morning so will need to stop myself from napping this afternoon when I get home.

    Does anyone know how to turn back time? I've been wishing to do that constantly .xx
    Focus on contribution instead of the impressiveness of consumption to see the true beauty in people.
    • kittie
    • By kittie 10th May 18, 11:11 AM
    • 11,975 Posts
    • 74,888 Thanks
    kittie
    if it is one of those packet drinks then it is also the amount of sugar, could be that making you thirsty as well as pesky hormone changes. I would not say no to hrt if my symptoms were bad

    Liz earle has a new book about menopause, I personally would have bought it for myself by now but I am done and dusted I did buy it for a dd

    you are absolutely right about holding yourself differently causing pain elsewhere. I hope you get sorted very quickly wort. In my day we all made hrt cake, it was like a brick but we all took a slice to work every day
    • humptydumptybits
    • By humptydumptybits 10th May 18, 11:56 AM
    • 358 Posts
    • 740 Thanks
    humptydumptybits
    Kittie I will bear that in mind, though that was only a couple of times recently as I don't generally eat much chocolate. Would the same apply to hot chocolate drink? Do you know?
    It's definitely the hot flushes that wake me, and I'm desperately thirsty, I'm drinking water by the bottle at night..
    Last night I woke at 3.30 with my back ,as stabbing pain, I've been having more back pain in last couple of months, I hate tablets so try not to take them, but did get up and rub ibuprofen gel on my back.
    Then the dawn chorus started at 4.50, and even after I closed the window I could hear them.
    I'm waiting for a hospital appointment for my neuromas in my foot, and have wondered if the worsening back pain is my body reacting to the foot pain!!! Holding myself differently without realising.
    I'm working this morning so will need to stop myself from napping this afternoon when I get home.

    Does anyone know how to turn back time? I've been wishing to do that constantly .xx
    Originally posted by wort
    If you are drinking alot have you had a diabetes test? Extreme thirst can be an early sign and I think if you get it after a sugar hit it could be an early warning so you would have time to reverse things.
    • wort
    • By wort 10th May 18, 2:04 PM
    • 765 Posts
    • 10,147 Thanks
    wort
    I was tested for diabetes a couple of years back, but really think it's menopause, it's only since that kicked in I'm thirsty. Also it's flushes rather than sweats, as I don't sweat very much , even on holiday in extreme heat I just get those little blisters of heat sweat ,weird I know, it's like the sweat can't escape!
    After today with my back I think I'm going g to see the Dr, and will mention it then.
    Focus on contribution instead of the impressiveness of consumption to see the true beauty in people.
    • humptydumptybits
    • By humptydumptybits 10th May 18, 6:41 PM
    • 358 Posts
    • 740 Thanks
    humptydumptybits
    Hope he can sort it, I was lucky with the menopause really. Did have a year or so with very heavy periods but once that settled down it was fine and I never had a hot flush. Wonderful feeling of liberation to never have a period pain again.
    • lessonlearned
    • By lessonlearned 11th May 18, 7:27 AM
    • 9,960 Posts
    • 62,143 Thanks
    lessonlearned
    Jaybee.........glad to hear that you are ok. You can put that one behind you now.

    Re those with health issues......which is probably all of us.

    I know I've said this before but the one thing I was not prepared for was the physicality of grief. The muscles and joint pains, the chest pains, the awful panic attacks, the stomach problems, headaches, nausea. You name it.

    After my husband's death several health care professionals told me that for the first 12 months the bereaved are especially vulnerable. Indeed the article Kitty directed us to says pretty much the same thing. Nearly 4 years on and tbh I still haven't regained full health yet.

    But I'm working on it. I have set myself a new challenge. I call it "A Year to Change My Life".

    I did try it last year but somehow it never really got going. Maybe I tried too much too soon......I was still dealing with my sisters nonsense at the time. I did manage to sort out my stomach problems so that was something however I still have a long way to go regain my health and vitality so that is my next goal.

    The road to wellness isn't an easy one but I'm not giving up yet.
    • wort
    • By wort 13th May 18, 10:59 AM
    • 765 Posts
    • 10,147 Thanks
    wort
    I'm feeling a bit emotional at the moment, it's 12 months since we were on the cruise when hubby became ill, and I'm getting upset over all sorts.
    On Friday I was crying at work, everything seems to get on top of me, and I can't stop it.
    I made the appointment with the Dr for tomorrow, but the nice Dr has left. So I'm seeing a locum , and now I don't know Wether to cancel, the other Dr was the one hubby saw and he was so helpful after hubby died.
    Focus on contribution instead of the impressiveness of consumption to see the true beauty in people.
    • Elona
    • By Elona 13th May 18, 12:40 PM
    • 185 Posts
    • 2,048 Thanks
    Elona
    wort

    Please don't cancel and give the locum a chance. I found a couple of sessions of counselling where I could "just let it all out" really helped. The poor guy did not get a word in.

    I was initially reluctant to take medication but that helped too and I managed to only use them for about six months and taper off safely.

    Sorry to be bossy and not intending to "tell you what to do" but it does sound as if you have hit bottom.

    Gentle virtual hug

    I went to see my poorly dd yesterday and she seemed a bit more upbeat. We sat in the sun with a diet drink and then did a small shop for her. Treated her to fruit, puzzle book, some sweets and a reduced dvd to watch which she was looking forward to. I visit once a week or more and her sisters try to make sure one of them see her once a week if possible.

    Older dd's best friend has a toddler and sudden emergency finding a person to mind their toddler a week's time
    but the day is the only one dd cannot do so I offered to help . I might not be fast on my feet but can make sure doors to outside garden are secure etc and let her play safely.
    • kittie
    • By kittie 13th May 18, 1:35 PM
    • 11,975 Posts
    • 74,888 Thanks
    kittie
    wort, this is absolutely natural, the ups and downs and the suddeness plus that combined with up and down menopause, the menopause on its own is bad enough but you have all this combined and any down will be multiplied. I am sure you know that this is natural and not some awful permanent change ie going forwards is definitely not a nice upward graph. These graphical down times help to make the up times more secure and more permanent

    I have physical signs of better health, took a long time and I am uber careful with my food, we are what we eat but our needs change as we get older anyway, we need more protein. I doubled my protein intake and have protein several times a day, starting with breakfast. I notice now that my hair, an outward sign of good health, is thicker, definitely thicker. It has taken a long time but there is no going back. I cycled 10 miles this morning, some inclines and got a bit puffed at times but could talk (to myself!) on every bit of my ride. I came home warmer, slightly glowing, enough to know that I have exercised my blood vessels, my muscles and my heart and lungs. The eyes and the hair show inner health as does having a zest or enthusiasm for anything
    • Crystallady
    • By Crystallady 13th May 18, 2:02 PM
    • 158 Posts
    • 168 Thanks
    Crystallady
    We all seem to be a bit down over the last few days me included.
    It's my birthday today, the first one without my husband and I really don't want to bother without him.
    Anyway I forced myself to go out this morning, for a quick walk to post some letters, while the sun was shining, and promptly locked myself out !
    So my walk turned out to be much longer than anticipated as I had to get the spare key from my son who lives about a mile away. I now have a blister on my foot because I had the wrong shoes on, but am back home.
    Good news is after the extra exercise I can eat more of the meal my son is cooking for us tonight.
    Had lots of messages on FB some from previous work colleagues who obviously didn't know and said things like "hope you are all well / doing OK " which caused a few
    tears when I replied. It's another example of the fact that things will never be the same again and it is really hard to accept that I will never hear his voice again or have his arms around me - oh b*gger I can't see for tears .
    Hope things improve for you all, please take care of your health wort.
    Last edited by Crystallady; 13-05-2018 at 2:04 PM.
    • wort
    • By wort 14th May 18, 6:42 PM
    • 765 Posts
    • 10,147 Thanks
    wort
    I went to the Dr , it turned out to be the Dr that retired a couple of years ago, so that helped. He's arranging physio for my back, and I asked about a blood test for diabetes, so I have the paper for that and will call in this week.
    Elona, I have had counselling, I too didn't stop speaking and crying, it's a relief to say everything without trying to spare feelings as you do for family.
    I found some photos on hubby's phone that I liked so have blue toothed them to my phone, I also found a short video clip when he did the ice bucket challenge, which has his voice on, I sat and replayed it over and over, with tears pouring down my face, I was desperate to hear his voice again and I was so glad to find it.

    Crystal lady happy birthday and a big hug on its way to you, mine is coming up next month, along with our anniversary and then the anniversary of his death . I'm dreading it. Take care of yourself much love.
    Focus on contribution instead of the impressiveness of consumption to see the true beauty in people.
    • Elona
    • By Elona 15th May 18, 7:23 AM
    • 185 Posts
    • 2,048 Thanks
    Elona
    wort

    Our 36th anniversary is at the end of this month and my birthday is not till August but our first grandchild will be born by then which the whole family is excited about

    I think I still have a phone with DH's voice on it so will get one of the family to check it our for me He got my dds to record his second proposal before our wedding blessing

    hugs
    • kittie
    • By kittie 15th May 18, 12:44 PM
    • 11,975 Posts
    • 74,888 Thanks
    kittie
    not hearing the voice, that was what I missed such a lot, nothing, not even on the phone and I still have flashbacks, when he was leaving in his cycling kit, we kissed goodbye and that was that

    Anyway, I slept fitfully last night, still thinking about a new home. Thinking about less maintenance and a ch system that does not need to be loaded with wood pellets, which I have to buy, move and stack. I could so easily jump in and get a brand new house but am holding tight for the area I want, although I know it will be oil ch and not gas. Feeling a bit restless, again. Keeping busy with allotment and cooking for one but knowing that it is the new home that will settle me and that will happen when it is meant to be
Welcome to our new Forum!

Our aim is to save you money quickly and easily. We hope you like it!

Forum Team Contact us

Live Stats

2,738Posts Today

7,905Users online

Martin's Twitter
  • It's the start of mini MSE's half term. In order to be the best daddy possible, Im stopping work and going off line? https://t.co/kwjvtd75YU

  • RT @shellsince1982: @MartinSLewis thanx to your email I have just saved myself £222 by taking a SIM only deal for £7.50 a month and keeping?

  • Today's Friday twitter poll: An important question, building on yesterday's important discussions: Which is the best bit of the pizza...

  • Follow Martin