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  • FIRST POST
    • Buggins
    • By Buggins 25th Jan 18, 8:49 PM
    • 315Posts
    • 221Thanks
    Buggins
    Self help thread. I am a widow coping getting on with it
    • #1
    • 25th Jan 18, 8:49 PM
    Self help thread. I am a widow coping getting on with it 25th Jan 18 at 8:49 PM
    Just wanted to put this thread on to replace the missing one. Worried that some people who have been following the old thread might really need it sometime and won't get the support they need/want. It has, and still does, help me.
Page 25
    • lessonlearned
    • By lessonlearned 4th May 18, 8:54 AM
    • 10,276 Posts
    • 64,379 Thanks
    lessonlearned
    Good morning.

    Well I slept much better last night. Must be a release of all that tension and stress worrying about houses. Well no more. I have a viewer tomorrow. She can come and have a look. I really do now take the attitude if it happens, it happens. If not then I can stay here.

    If I decide to stay then I wil do a couple of extra bits and pieces - but that will be purely for my own comfort and pleasure. I will continue to declutter and reorganise but I can go at my own pace.

    Kittie. You are right, we are searching for meaning in our lives. Maybe a house move is the magic bullet, maybe it isn't. But you have definitely hit the nail on the head - I do feel that I really haven't got a life.

    When I was first widowed then just getting through the day to day was enough. I felt that each day ticked off was an accomplishment. Now that I have learned how to do that, it really isn't enough. Sounds a bit greedy perhaps but I do want more. I just don't know what "more" is.

    I know a lot of newly bereaved go from one holiday to the next. I met a lot of serial cruisers, they hardly seem to spend any time at home. However, much as I enjoyed my trips, serial holidaying is not right for me.

    Sounds a bit lame but I am going to make it my mission to get out more. I found refuge in my home, making it my sanctuary and retreating from the world but I think it now really is time to make a bit more of an effort.

    To borrow from Star Trek .......Time to "Bravely Go"
    • poppy811
    • By poppy811 4th May 18, 10:07 AM
    • 83 Posts
    • 1,140 Thanks
    poppy811
    Glad to see you posting Crystallady. I think all I can say is the pain gets less 'sharp' as time goes on but special days are very hard to bear. Yesterday a very dear friend of mine finally died. Bless him he has been so ill for such a long time. I am full of admiration for his widow who nursed him at home through such a difficult few years. I had a few tears last night but would not have wished him to go on.
    I viewed a lovely house yesterday and thought this is the one. In the middle of the night I thought no, too big for my needs and the boiler is in the Attic! Not a good idea for me at 72 to have that arrangement. As Kittie and LL have said, no rush but need to get it right.
    • kittie
    • By kittie 4th May 18, 11:33 AM
    • 12,430 Posts
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    kittie
    oh you folks, you are so sensible and what a wonderful support group. That last bit in your post poppy, boiler in the attic, reminded me of the very kind e mail from a dd, suggesting I look at a lovely village she knows. I thanked her but I won`t be looking, I won`t tell her that.

    I have decided to stay within my comfort zone but I pretty well keep it to myself because I just cannot explain it well enough but you know, without me explaining
    • Crystallady
    • By Crystallady 4th May 18, 7:08 PM
    • 158 Posts
    • 178 Thanks
    Crystallady
    It really is good to know you all understand I agree with Kittie that you are a great support.
    Yes it's the "purpose in my life " I think I'm looking for.
    I've worked since I was 16, full time for 35 years, part time for 4 years and looked after DH for the last 5 years so between that and looking after the home and having our son life was pretty full and definitely had a purpose. Now my son is married and has his life to live, and DH is gone so it's just me and the cats.
    I too want more but have no idea what or how to get it, everyone seems to assume it's too soon to be looking for something, but I know that if I don't I will retreat to my home and get into a rut.
    The only problem is that I live in a small town with very little going on for anyone over 60. I've looked at the U3A but other than poetry, knitting and rambling they don't seem to do much. I don't like poetry, can't knit and have arthritis in my knees so until they expand their events think I'll pass.
    I sometimes think it's easier for a man to make new friends, he can go to the pub on his own and no-one will bat an eyelid but not sure it would the same for a 60+ widow, and I don't drink anymore anyway.
    I think you are right LL time to make more effort, think I'll start back on my diet on Monday, losing weight gives me more confidence ( and helps my knees) , I lost 4.5 stone last year but have put a stone back on so need to shift it, I have to be in the right frame of mind to diet and really haven't been there over the last 4/5 months.
    • lessonlearned
    • By lessonlearned 4th May 18, 7:43 PM
    • 10,276 Posts
    • 64,379 Thanks
    lessonlearned
    Crystallady. My knees aren't great. Like you losing weight would help me. I have lost one stone over the last few months, but need to lose at least another 2 stones.

    I have just been for another short walk. So far managed just over 5k steps today, same yesterday. I think whilst the light evenings are here instead of struggling to do one longer walk, I might do 2 or even 3 shorter ones. Try and build up that way.

    I have been busy today, shampooing carpets. I am very tired now and my shoulders and upper back still hurt (as well as the knees and thighs). Oh woe is me. I sound like a wreck. I feel like a wreck.

    Getting fitter and stronger is now top priority. Whether I move or not, it's now about reclaiming my health and energy.

    It is a lovely evening and if I had been less tired from my cleaning efforts I would have really enjoyed it. I could also do with visiting a chiropodist, it might help my efforts.

    I indulged in a bit of retail therapy yesterday. From a charity shop, so didn't break the bank. I don't want to spend too much on summer clothes just now because I have a wardrobe full of nice things for when I lose weight.

    It's evenings like this when I really miss my husband. On a night like this we used to sit out chatting, then when it got dark we would set up the telescope for a bit of star gazing.

    Happy days......
    Last edited by lessonlearned; 04-05-2018 at 7:47 PM.
    • kittie
    • By kittie 4th May 18, 9:17 PM
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    kittie
    I saw a podiatrist last year, I was so scared because the one and only time I saw someone was years ago and she came to my feet with a scalpel in her hand in full view.

    My toes felt uncomfortable and I decided I had to get my feet seen to and to get advice and wasn`t I lucky. I picked someone off the internet, had been an nhs podiatrist and had set up a clinic at his home, he lived with his male partner and was the kindest most gentle person ever. He booked me an hour because he didn`t want to rush, he gave everyone an hour and I got brilliant advice, which tbh stopped my potential hammer toe in its tracks. He absolutely advised me that I did not need to go back, what an honest person and all it cost me was 30

    I am like you, do not like this aimless drifting, far too easy to see life slipping by. My children are independent, the grandchildren are growing up and they all have their own lives and at a distance.

    I value my knees and panic if I feel the odd twinge, then I do some leg exercises, so that the muscles around the knee do more supportive work. I deliberately don`t walk much ie ramble any more because of knees and ankles but I do get out and about on my bike and here it is safe. In fact I found some cycle clothing to fit real women and have just treated myself to a few items

    I don`t know what is going to happen next in my life but need to take one step at a time and naturally the next step is the move. That will get me to an area with various active groups of nice people and who knows after that

    Can I recommend a book to you, called `the calcium paradox` it is eye opening and contains hugely important information about how to retain/attain good health, the link betweek vitamin D and vitamin K2. All I am saying is that I have taken a big dose of cholicalciferol (D) for 15 years and k2 for 6 years and prior to that fermented foods for many years. It is about health so I won`t say too much but these two vitamins are my everyday staples as well as my (usually) very careful food choices. The reason I am saying this is because we need good health, to be the best we can can be, so that we can get the best out of our futures

    I know I could do some continued professional development courses and go back to seeing patients but it is definitely not what I want any more. There are associated costs ie clinic space, insurance, accountant, equipment etc but bigger than that is the fact that most patients are energy draining and I give a lot of myself, so I go home drained and I just don`t want that any more, to be the one that people lean on every time they see me. So I am searching for something and maybe it is all about just me now, finding myself, coming to terms with getting older and closer to passing on, maybe it is meant to be a reflective time. I just don`t know
    Last edited by kittie; 04-05-2018 at 9:21 PM.
    • kittie
    • By kittie 5th May 18, 6:30 AM
    • 12,430 Posts
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    kittie
    I was thinking about my bed this morning. We bought top range hypnos single beds just ten months before hubbie died. Side by side and they gave us a better nights sleep. I kept them side by side because I could not bear one on its own and I could not flip or turn any bigger mattress.

    I am cosy at night with my cozee home bedding but am thinking that I should change to cotton summer bedding, which does not appeal on a cold night. Brainwave in the night: cotton on one bed and cozee on the other, at least until it is constantly warm at night. I sleep in his bed but am ok with either bed now

    I agree with this
    http://www.dailymail.co.uk/health/article-5691853/Broken-heart-syndrome-does-exist.html

    I remember my heart beating so loud, thumping at irregular intervals and stopping me from sleeping. I worked very very hard to lower the inflammations, meditations, hypnosis cds, laying back on my zero gravity chair, veg juices, watching candles. Pottering on the allotment, kneeling and hand weeding day after day in february and march. I don`t know how long it took but I don`t get that loud thumping or the irregularity any more. It didn`t just heal itself, I had to work at it
    • lessonlearned
    • By lessonlearned 5th May 18, 6:42 AM
    • 10,276 Posts
    • 64,379 Thanks
    lessonlearned
    Thank you for the recommendations Kittie.. I know we are not supposed to discuss medical matters but thank you for directing me.

    I don't wish to whinge but one of the things I never expected was that bereavement would be so physical. I know I damaged my health as a carer but I hoped that I would bounce back once caring duties had ceased. However the bounce hasn't happened. So now I need to really make an effort to get fitter, stronger and healthier before it's too late.

    I managed to sort out my headaches and stomach problems and in that department at least I feel better than I have done in years. Now it's time for my muscles and bones.

    Coming to terms with getting older?? Yes that is a hard one, my dad never did. He was 90 when he died but he still wasn't ready. Mentally and to a certain degree physically he was youthful. He aged well and remained strong, fit and active well into his late 80s. I hope I will be as fortunate. I think it was the keeping active that helped him stay so well. So this is something I want to try and emulate.

    I agree now is a time for reflection and change. I don't feel ready to "age" just yet but I forget that is exactly what I'm doing. I shall be 67 soon. Tempus Fugit and all that.

    Definitely need to up my game and sort my body out.

    Hope you all have a good weekend. It looks like we are in for some nice weather.
    • kittie
    • By kittie 5th May 18, 9:46 AM
    • 12,430 Posts
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    kittie
    you aren`t winghing at all LL. It is an absolute fact that you ground yourself right down, so that when bereavement came, you were already at a low stage of health, call it a wider foundation of ill health and that foundation is what needed repair first, the basics. The resting, the tlc but life is life and you probably whizzed around, like you do. So yes probably getting back to basic good health comes first and you can build on that. later. Don`t worry too much about muscles and bones yet, they get stronger over time in small ways such as lifting a shopping back sideways when walking, pounding steps when you come downstairs, like an angry teenager does

    On top of the bereavement, yes we have to contend with getting older, losing that elastic bounce so really it is a double whammy but right now has to be about priorities and refining that oh so important intuition, which is not just about third party stuff but about ourselves. If something becomes a mental effort, then the body is saying to slow down for a little while
    • kittie
    • By kittie 5th May 18, 9:47 AM
    • 12,430 Posts
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    kittie
    you aren`t whinging at all LL. It is an absolute fact that you ground yourself right down, so that when bereavement came, you were already at a low stage of health, call it a wider foundation of ill health and that foundation is what needed repair first, the basics. The resting, the tlc but life is life and you probably whizzed around, like you do. So yes probably getting back to basic good health comes first and you can build on that. later. Don`t worry too much about muscles and bones yet, they get stronger over time in small ways such as lifting a shopping back sideways when walking, pounding steps when you come downstairs, like an angry teenager does

    On top of the bereavement, yes we have to contend with getting older, losing that elastic bounce so really it is a double whammy but right now has to be about priorities and refining that oh so important intuition, which is not just about third party stuff but about ourselves. If something becomes a mental effort, then the body is saying to slow down for a little while
    • Elona
    • By Elona 6th May 18, 10:15 AM
    • 268 Posts
    • 2,675 Thanks
    Elona
    LL

    I have slowly been trying to increase the steps I do but I don't try to increase them every single day. At them moment I find the amount of steps I can manage without being breathless or having to sit down has gone up by three or four times in the last few months.

    I will be 67 in August which seems a bit daunting but as I used to say to DH when he moaned about being a year older "Would you prefer the alternative?"

    Trying to use the vibration board every other day or more and taking a joint supplement seems to be helping a bit.

    Middle dd and bf are staying over tonight so I need to pop out for a few ingredient to make lasagne and salad tonight.

    Hugs to all
    • jaybee
    • By jaybee 7th May 18, 8:05 PM
    • 1,412 Posts
    • 2,649 Thanks
    jaybee
    Long time no post!

    Sooo . . . Wednesday this week is the long awaited inquest. Eight months of anxiety and worrying about it will finally end. I have no idea how I will be on the day. I am so much hoping that I will not have to say anything . . . I am hopeless at that. Sometimes I can cope . . . and sometimes I am a gibbering wreck. I'm sure they will have seen it all before but I do hate appearing to be weak and failing! Have any of you had to cope with an inquest? Part of me is saying that it will be just another Wednesday and it will come and go and whatever happens I will cope one way or another. Hopefully, afterwards I will be able to begin to move forwards although I am quite expecting it to bring the reality of his final days back to the fore.

    I hope that doesn't all sound too selfish on my part.

    I have been reading about all the exciting plans with house moves etc. Really I would like to move but (financially) it isn't an option. I did find my dream apartment but it is in Northumberland - and I'm in Dorset!!! Not practical on so many levels but I just know it would have been right for me.

    I did buy the Pressure King (the small one) and have enjoyed experimenting with it. It is just right for me and I have several portions of Spaghetti Bolognese in the freezer ready for those *can't be bothered* days - there are quite a lot of those!

    Hope you are all enjoying the long awaited better weather!
    • iris
    • By iris 8th May 18, 10:20 AM
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    • 3,391 Thanks
    iris
    Jaybee, I was so sorry to hear that you have had such a long wait for your husband's Inquest.

    I didn't have such a long wait as you before attending my husband's Inquest. For me, it was very informal and soon after the Inquest I received the formal 'proper' Death Certificate stating the cause of death.

    Whilst I found the Inquest caused me to be anxious and tearful, as obviously it brought back sad memories, the Coroner was very thoughtful and tried to make me feel at ease.

    However, I was glad when it was all over.

    I shall be thinking of you tomorrow. HTH
    • jaybee
    • By jaybee 8th May 18, 10:54 AM
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    jaybee
    Thank you so much for your personal experience of your husband's Inquest.

    I really can't imagine that they are going to come up with anything that I don't already know and no doubt I am over-thinking things - I'm quite good at that!

    Anxiety is running at high level - I do wish I could be be more in control of any random emotions! Ironically H used to call me a control freak! My answer always was the I liked to be organised!

    Tomorrow will come and go and I will survive it one way or another.
    • kittie
    • By kittie 8th May 18, 11:57 AM
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    kittie
    oh jaybee, I will be thinking of you, having to run the roller coaster of emotions all over again but teatime tomorrow it will all be over.

    I was in northumberland for three years and loved it, the beautiful countryside and the people.
    • jaybee
    • By jaybee 8th May 18, 12:02 PM
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    jaybee
    Thank you kitty. I'm sure all your kind thoughts will help to keep me going!

    At the moment I am feeling quite sick with anxiety. As you say, by tomorrow afternoon it will be over and I will be able to level out again at home.

    This afternoon I shall take myself out for a walk to see the bluebells and try to get things in perspective.
    • lessonlearned
    • By lessonlearned 8th May 18, 1:05 PM
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    lessonlearned
    Hello Jaybee......just sending you hugs. Hope all goes well. Your feelings of anxiety over this are to be expected. However I think you will find the coroner and the court officials will be very sympathetic and understanding.

    You will get through it and then tomorrow will be a fresh start for you. It will be over and you can file it in the box marked "the past" .

    One more day and you will be done.

    X
    • jaybee
    • By jaybee 8th May 18, 2:24 PM
    • 1,412 Posts
    • 2,649 Thanks
    jaybee
    Thank you lessonlearned.

    I am sure that the Coroner et al will have seen it all before and know how to deal with the whole gamut of emotions that arise.

    As you say - after tomorrow it will be over and I can begin to concentrate on a new normal for me!
    • kittie
    • By kittie 9th May 18, 7:25 AM
    • 12,430 Posts
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    kittie
    jaybee

    we are with you on your journey
    xxxx
    • poppy811
    • By poppy811 9th May 18, 8:44 AM
    • 83 Posts
    • 1,140 Thanks
    poppy811
    Jaybee, thinking of you today. I attended an inquest some years ago and the coroner was so kind. I hope you will have a similar experience.

    This afternoon I am finally meeting with a stonemason to order a headstone for my husbands grave. I would like it in place before the second anniversary of his death in July. I have given a lot of thought to the inscription and hope I have got it right. The churchyard is only 2 doors up from my cottage. I know a lot of people find comfort in visiting the grave of their loved one but not me. I do want the grave tidy and marked though.
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