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  • FIRST POST
    • Buggins
    • By Buggins 25th Jan 18, 8:49 PM
    • 310Posts
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    Buggins
    Self help thread. I am a widow coping getting on with it
    • #1
    • 25th Jan 18, 8:49 PM
    Self help thread. I am a widow coping getting on with it 25th Jan 18 at 8:49 PM
    Just wanted to put this thread on to replace the missing one. Worried that some people who have been following the old thread might really need it sometime and won't get the support they need/want. It has, and still does, help me.
Page 20
    • kittie
    • By kittie 10th Apr 18, 10:29 AM
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    kittie
    I just copied and pasted what I wrote on the cooking for one thread but I want to keep my (dear) friends here in the loop because the same will be undergone by others in a similar position and every bit helps

    I deliberately just put a wool wash on, to make me patient enough to stay until time to leave for my appointment at 11.30. I am always early for everything and have been far too early for viewings, upside is that I get to observe and listen but I know the area. I have got butterflies, not for fear of making the right decision but just from appreciating that I am in someone elses home and will be looking carefully while trying to ignore the EA babbling. I know for a fact that this home was only bought 4 years ago, they tried to hide that by giving the property a name but I found the number and have done research, which alone is tiring. Pity help anyone getting on in years without the required energy and no wonder that many sales these days are probate, people don`t want to move because of the hassle and the expense
    • moneyistooshorttomention
    • By moneyistooshorttomention 10th Apr 18, 1:16 PM
    • 15,344 Posts
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    moneyistooshorttomention
    Just nipping in to say to Kittie - sorry still no joy yet on the housing front. Difficult to try and wait patiently for "The One" - but my fingers crossed for you.

    Personally - I doubt the number of the house was deliberately hidden. I've found, since moving here, that there are one heck of a lot of houses here that don't have numbers and it does make life noticeably more difficult to find a house. Much harder still imo - as so many of them are in Welsh (which means I promptly forget them the second I've read them). So - yep...I'm even more cynical than you as to what the explanation is for all these houses having names.

    In the road I'm in - I think there's precisely one house with a number and I do get annoyed by having to explain carefully to everyone just where my house is. If they were all just numbered - I'd tear down my own house name and life would be simpler all round - but I couldnt even tell you what the number of my house is (or even if it has a number).
    Last edited by moneyistooshorttomention; 10-04-2018 at 1:18 PM.
    ***************
    • White_musk
    • By White_musk 10th Apr 18, 3:18 PM
    • 94 Posts
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    White_musk
    Dull, dark damp day here, I long for some warmth and the sun. Winter and now an icky Spring is no good for the soul.

    New vacuum arrived today and I'm thrilled and shocked in equal measure. I ran the old vacuum around yesterday and all looked nice and clean, I ran the new one round today and the amount of muck in the cylinder is quite horrendous. I have a moulty dog and thought the old one was doing a good job (it was a Vax) obviously not nearly as good as I thought. Still, I know it's properly clean now.

    I have some steak cooking in the slow cooker in some yummy gravy, no idea what to do with it yet but I'll think of something. With the shopping came a lovely savoy cabbage with the lovely dark wrinkly leaves - the best bit. I also scored a bit of a bargain with the home delivery shop. I ordered frozen raspberries but they were out of stock so were substituted with a huge bag of mixed fruit - bargain.

    Hugs.
    God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, wisdom to know the difference.
    • lessonlearned
    • By lessonlearned 10th Apr 18, 3:44 PM
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    lessonlearned
    Horrible day here too. Been chucking it down with rain most of the day. And soooo dark. I have had enough. Bring me sunshine....now,!!!

    Well hereís my news.

    Had an EA round yesterday and have decided to dip my toe in the water and see if it sells. Photos being done next Monday to give me a few more days to get it market ready. Just a few tweaks here and there. Wonít cost much.

    I have bookmarked few possibles on Rightmove have not bothered viewing anything yet. I,will wait and see if there is any interest on my house first before I get all excited.

    The EA offered me a job. I laughed it off but she said Iím serious, give me a call when you are ready. Having thought it over I might just do that........see what they have to offer.

    My course only takes one evening and will be finished by the end of June so I think I could manage part time, say 2 or 3 days a week.

    It could be fun and of course the extra money will always come in handy.

    I think my husband is guiding me. He would doubtless say why not give it a whirl, you can always jack it in if you donít like it.

    I really do feel that he is giving me a gentle nudge now, telling me to get on with building a new life. I have finally managed to dig out a photo of him. Iíve put it a nice frame and have it in my bedroom. It feels nice.
    • wort
    • By wort 10th Apr 18, 4:40 PM
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    wort
    My grief is running high, it's like I can feel it bubbling up ,and I'm close to tears , then I'm crying for over not very much. I'm hoping I'm feeling better by tomorrow as I have a full day in work.
    Just when I feel I'm "being normal" hiding my feelings behind a mask, then this happens, I can't believe we are in April just a month away from the holiday last year that blew my life apart.
    I'm so worried about money, I've been keeping my receipts for food and stuff, but even with basics it seems I'm always having to buy something. I try to leave a couple of weeks between trips and never waste anything but it's a struggle. At work they're moving everyone around again swapping dept, days , and hours it's so unsettling.
    I'm really low, and wish I didn't have to go out of the house, but the emptiness today is really getting to me.
    Sorry.
    Focus on contribution instead of the impressiveness of consumption to see the true beauty in people.
    • Elona
    • By Elona 10th Apr 18, 5:21 PM
    • 158 Posts
    • 1,742 Thanks
    Elona
    wort

    I wish I could do something to help. Would phoning a friend or relative help or having the radio or tv on so you have a noise in the house and it does not feel empty be a help?

    If you are trying to cut down on spending there are sites like approved food that are a lot cheaper and JackieO on old style has come up with a misers cookbook that can be accessed online. Shirley Goode has a blog that her family have left after her recent death, to help people.

    Gentle hug
    • White_musk
    • By White_musk 10th Apr 18, 8:41 PM
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    White_musk
    Oh Wort, it's horrid isn't it? It still happens to me, the times between each breakdown do seem to be getting longer but when it hits - oh boy! Like Elona I wish there was something I could do. Losing a spouse hits hard and I don't know as we ever get over it. Big hugs.
    God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, wisdom to know the difference.
    • kittie
    • By kittie 11th Apr 18, 7:26 AM
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    kittie
    It can get very lonely, always being on your own, I find it hard sometimes but try not to think of it when all I want to do is to get to sleep oblivion but it is too early.

    Radio is generally very boring these days, I find my local radio is best or a welsh station, which has brilliant folk music at times but I cannot just sit there and listen otherwise I would fall asleep, so I spin, that is my hobby at the moment. My thoughts are almost always going around and I have conversations with my husband in my head. Last evening I would not have coped with that, so I watched a film via amazon fire. An officer and a gentleman, enjoyed it, went straight to bed and slept all night apart from one bathroom break. One thing I don`t do is take to alcoholic drink at any time or stuff my face after 5.30. I do have a GnT maybe once a month

    If I wake too early and my busy mind won`t quieten down, then I reach my hand out and switch radio 4/world service on, too low to hear what they are saying but I concentrate on it and that sends me back to sleep

    It is all about survival now, how to get through and it is very tough going
    • lessonlearned
    • By lessonlearned 11th Apr 18, 9:43 AM
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    lessonlearned
    Wort....sending you hugs.

    Ladies.....it is so rough at times isnít it. I was in tears last night and am not far off it again this morning. I think the long term loneliness is starting to sink in now. The worst of the initial shock and grief is over of course but itís the long term that bothers me now. The where do I go from here, what do I do with my life, is this all there is. I just miss him so much.

    I can tell you lot, you get it but there are very few people I can confide in in real life. I havenít really tried telling people how I truly feel but I just sense their eyes would glaze over, they would get impatient and think itís time I moved on. They probably think itís nearly 4 years you should be over it by now.

    Only other widows understand.

    Even my boys, although they mourn their father they have moved forward in their lives, they have their girls and soon one will be having his first child. That is only right and proper of course, they cant live in the past.

    And we know that really neither should we, but it is so hard to move forward. Sometimes I feel like I have been abandoned, a shipwreck washed up on some lonely shore. And itís a lonely desolate place at times.

    I know a house move will be the right thing for me, I have to do it I canít stay here forever so I have decided to bite the bullet and do it sooner rather than later. But, if the truth be told, my stomach is in knots, I canít sleep and I just wish I wasnít doing this alone.

    I remembered some sage words last night, something I think it was White Musk said, about not letting our children influence our choices. I was showing my youngest son some details of a possible house, outlining my proposals for how I would reconfigure the internal layout to future proof it. He was quite dismissive of my ideas so I decided not to discuss it further or allow him to sway me. I do know what I will need so I just kept my own counsel.

    This house was a joint project so I made compromises. The next one will be mine so I shall do it my way.

    It is incredibly dark and dismal here today, more like a January morning. I think these old properties can be a bit gloomy. Light will definitely have to play a very important role in my next house.

    Perhaps we will all feel a little better when spring finally gets here. I do hope so.
    • kittie
    • By kittie 11th Apr 18, 11:25 AM
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    kittie
    if the truth be told, my stomach is in knots, I can!!!8217;t sleep and I just wish I wasn!!!8217;t doing this alone.......
    sage words......about not letting our children influence our choices.... I decided not to discuss it further or allow him to sway me....... I do know what I will need so I just kept my own counsel. .
    Originally posted by lessonlearned
    the loneliness could easily crack me up too and I think myself so lucky to still be young enough to do things, it must be impossible at an old age. My dear mil used to say that she hoped not to wake up on some mornings.

    I cut and pasted because LL the above applies to me and I too thank WM for those words, she said what I thought but daren`t say, even to myself

    I absolutely have to move forward via this potential new home, staying here would mean I was stuck. The house is beautiful, storage is brilliant but I want to get out on my bike, different places, not around the same (lovely) circuit each and every time. I want walking distance to facilities, village facilities but much better and I need to be future proofed

    In the meantime, while I wait, I get prepared, bottom every room, one at a time, unscrew things, fill holes and touch up paintwark. Working the marie kondo magic when the mood takes me. I did that today and have ended up with a study/craft room that I would be proud to show to viewers.

    Honestly local radio does help, there is power in cheery music, it changes brain waves. I couldn`t do without the radio
    • White_musk
    • By White_musk 11th Apr 18, 2:24 PM
    • 94 Posts
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    White_musk
    I believe our children see things from their own perspective and it can be a very simplistic view. By listening to my children I lost thousands of pounds and my health suffered terribly. Now, while the money is lost, my health is improving daily because this move was my choice and they had no say what-so-ever. NOW my eldest realises this has been a fantastic move for me and is thrilled and relieved in equal measure DC3 is still not entirely happy I didn't 'trust' them enough to allow them a say although is slowly realising I did what I had to for me.

    Most of my hobbies and interests are out of the home so when I moved I didn't have loads of hobby stuff to move, lots of books but I pared them down drastically. I can now go room to room and there is not a tiny bit of clutter anywhere, I can't afford to have it, this house is too small. One huge plus, I vacuumed around after breakfast after going round with an expanding feather duster bought for the blinds I had put in here, whole house done in less than half an hour including breakfast dishes and wiping the kitchen counters. I can't believe the difference. That is what happens when you do things that're right for you and don't listen to anyone else.

    Loneliness is awful, even if we do go out during the day the evenings stretch ahead - empty. I did think about looking for someone else but I don't think it's for me. Firstly the sense of guilt would eat me alive, I would feel I was betraying my husband. Secondly after four and a bit years I've got used to my new normal which means I can do what I want, when I want, with whom I want. That would have to be curtailed. Then of course there would be (in time) possible co-habitation. I don't know if I could deal with that now.

    Weather very grey and gloomy here today. I watched a little bit of the Commonwealth games and seeing all that sunshine made me long for some sun and warmth even more.
    God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, wisdom to know the difference.
    • White_musk
    • By White_musk 11th Apr 18, 2:30 PM
    • 94 Posts
    • 520 Thanks
    White_musk
    the loneliness could easily crack me up too and I think myself so lucky to still be young enough to do things, it must be impossible at an old age. My dear mil used to say that she hoped not to wake up on some mornings.

    I cut and pasted because LL the above applies to me and I too thank WM for those words, she said what I thought but daren`t say, even to myself

    I absolutely have to move forward via this potential new home, staying here would mean I was stuck. The house is beautiful, storage is brilliant but I want to get out on my bike, different places, not around the same (lovely) circuit each and every time. I want walking distance to facilities, village facilities but much better and I need to be future proofed

    In the meantime, while I wait, I get prepared, bottom every room, one at a time, unscrew things, fill holes and touch up paintwark. Working the marie kondo magic when the mood takes me. I did that today and have ended up with a study/craft room that I would be proud to show to viewers.

    Honestly local radio does help, there is power in cheery music, it changes brain waves. I couldn`t do without the radio
    Originally posted by kittie
    I have an Amazon Firestick so can download apps onto it. I like to watch the news and listen to music. I have Spotify on my phone so I downloaded the app onto the FS and I can listen to all my favourite music while I'm doing whatever. I do think music is good for the soul. I also have the BBC app. Suits me just fine.
    God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, wisdom to know the difference.
    • kittie
    • By kittie 11th Apr 18, 3:13 PM
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    kittie
    Me neither WM I would not want another person living here, its the penny and the bun. My husband earned me looking after him, it was always a two way caring marriage, the cooking etc. I would not want to do that for anyone else, anyway I was faithful all my life, only ever had a few cursory dates with others before meeting my husband at a rambling group, group meetings with country dances, people our age, parties etc It was fab. Got married and neither of us had ever looked at anyone else and that will continue to my dying day

    I have to say that I am very much on my toes for predators eg the estate agents know my situation and that I am buying a house before selling this. One male showed me around, very expert salesman, quickly got me into conversation about hobbies and has now arranged to join a group I belong to. I think this is genuine but I am on high alert and have told the group leader I don`t want to sit at the same workbench as him. I told him I wasn`t interested in a house he persuaded me to see, more expensive than I want but I went as I was curious. He asked today when I would like a second viewing. I wrote back straight away, thanks but no thanks, kept it very short but I must say my hackles are up and that is another thing we need to be aware of
    • lessonlearned
    • By lessonlearned 11th Apr 18, 3:42 PM
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    lessonlearned
    Some interesting comments there White Musk. You are slightly ahead of me, I will be 4 years in August.

    Itís good that your move worked out so well for you. I think I am ready now, nervous of course but I am going to trust my instincts and not look to my sons for guidance. I tried that before and it just didnít pan out for me. But that was my fault because I didnít have a clear picture of what I needed. Now I am more focussed so it should be easier.

    Another man??? Well he would have to be pretty remarkable, my husband would be a tough act to follow.

    I did meet a couple of men on one of my cruises. They were both vying for my favours which was actually quite gratifying.

    Meeting those two men did teach me that I can actually contemplate another relationship now and that I wouldnít feel that I was betraying my husbandís memory. I enjoyed a little light flirting, it was fun but I didnít want to take it any further with either of them.

    They were both nice men but there were no thunderbolts, no fireworks, no shooting stars, .......at least not for me although they seemed keen enough. Alas I wasnít struck by Cupidís arrow.

    Does lightening strike twice. Could I be that lucky. It can happen of course. Some people do have the good fortune to love again. I wonít hold my breath. Itís all in the lap of the Gods.
    • kittie
    • By kittie 11th Apr 18, 4:42 PM
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    kittie

    Does lightening strike twice. .
    Originally posted by lessonlearned
    of course it can LL. I have met several people who are happily married again after being widowed.
    • White_musk
    • By White_musk 11th Apr 18, 4:56 PM
    • 94 Posts
    • 520 Thanks
    White_musk
    I also had a very happy marriage, he was so laid back it was unreal, nothing ever fazed him even when our children were small. He too would be a hard act to follow. I think he would hate me being alone and would want me to find someone new but I just don't feel right about it somehow. Maybe if he appeared in my life I might feel differently but the option at the moment would be online dating and the thought of that fills me with horror. It aint happening.

    I lost my hubby January 2014 so 4 years 3 months.
    God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, wisdom to know the difference.
    • kittie
    • By kittie 11th Apr 18, 5:49 PM
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    kittie
    age needs to come into it too and at 70 I am done with cleaning up after any male. Very different for younger people
    • wort
    • By wort 11th Apr 18, 6:52 PM
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    • 9,808 Thanks
    wort
    Thank you for your well wishes. X
    It wasn't too bad at work today a dear friend of mine was on the same section, so she understands. I think the miserable weather affects me too.
    It's so true that the loneliness even when we see other people is hard . I may try a radio again, but I find music sets me crying, either the words or what it reminds me of.
    I'm only 54 but don't feel like I would ever want anyone in my life again,I know you never know, but even the thought of loving someone so much and then dying and going through the heartache all over again, is enough to put me off being with someone.
    Hope everyone is doing ok. Much love.x
    Focus on contribution instead of the impressiveness of consumption to see the true beauty in people.
    • kittie
    • By kittie 11th Apr 18, 7:18 PM
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    kittie
    Ahh I am sorry wort, You are young, I never realised how young. Try not to think of this as the end of your world. Its a bad bend in the road. I know what you mean by going through it twice. I hope you and anyone open to it, can find peace and happiness again

    I have LBC on in the other room at the moment, it is babbling and I cannot hear it properly but it is (pathetically) company and a voice
    • White_musk
    • By White_musk 11th Apr 18, 8:17 PM
    • 94 Posts
    • 520 Thanks
    White_musk
    That's an excellent point Wort. Fall in love again, build a new life to suddenly be widowed all over again. I think for me, once was more than enough.
    God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, wisdom to know the difference.
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