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  • FIRST POST
    • Buggins
    • By Buggins 25th Jan 18, 8:49 PM
    • 316Posts
    • 225Thanks
    Buggins
    Self help thread. I am a widow coping getting on with it
    • #1
    • 25th Jan 18, 8:49 PM
    Self help thread. I am a widow coping getting on with it 25th Jan 18 at 8:49 PM
    Just wanted to put this thread on to replace the missing one. Worried that some people who have been following the old thread might really need it sometime and won't get the support they need/want. It has, and still does, help me.
Page 19
    • sukysue
    • By sukysue 8th Apr 18, 9:56 PM
    • 1,758 Posts
    • 2,277 Thanks
    sukysue
    Hello everyone , I have been lurking for a while now. I have not lost my beloved husband but have lost my very close friend who was very much older than myself who l looked after and loved very much, a year ago now. I also lost my dearly loved MIL nearly three years ago and feel like l haven't grieved properly for her, I am stuck in feeling very angry towards her which I am aware of and can't seem to change. My friend Cathy I feel like l am grieving properly for her but my MIL is another matter . I miss them both so much still, even though l have my husband and my DC .
    I have been reading your posts and saw your reaching out to others re you not wanting others to think you are a clique. I don't feel this at all about you here . I feel I don't really qualify to join you because l am not a widow, although bereavement has hit me very hard.
    Anyway I just wanted to say that if you felt able to, you could PM Torry to see how she was . Hope you don't mind me butting in. I admire you all so much how you just keep going and remember your beloved and your memories of your life together. Thank you for listening l didn't want you to feel l was just nosy ! Hope my post makes sense .
    xXx-Sukysue-xXx
    • Elona
    • By Elona 8th Apr 18, 10:05 PM
    • 346 Posts
    • 3,534 Thanks
    Elona
    suky

    You are not butting in and I am sorry that you are still finding grieving so painful. There are no rules to grief and it changes so much from person to person and over time.

    Could the throw be used as a wall hanging as it is so pretty?

    Hugs to all
    • sukysue
    • By sukysue 8th Apr 18, 10:10 PM
    • 1,758 Posts
    • 2,277 Thanks
    sukysue
    Ahh thank you so much Elona, you are very kind .
    xXx-Sukysue-xXx
    • White_musk
    • By White_musk 8th Apr 18, 10:24 PM
    • 94 Posts
    • 651 Thanks
    White_musk
    Hi Suky,

    Welcome to the thread. Bereavement is awful no matter who we lose. Please do stick around if you think we could help you.

    Elona, I'm going to shove it under the mattress. I have (finally) made up my mind. It needs to be washed and dried first, it's in the machine, I just forgot to switch it on this morning lol.

    Hugs.
    God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, wisdom to know the difference.
    • sukysue
    • By sukysue 8th Apr 18, 10:48 PM
    • 1,758 Posts
    • 2,277 Thanks
    sukysue
    Thank you White musk, you are all so very kind and supportive. I just feel stuck over my MIL it is like l am frozen in a time warp of my own making. My DH isn't like it at all, he has been able to move on and talks very freely about her and remembers things about her all the time, l think it is almost as if l can't forgive her for dying. I know..... it is complete madness. My lovely friend Cathy l feel differently about her she was so kind and so lovely such a sweetheart to me and so grateful for my help and love . I am able to remember the good things about our time together but my MIL l just feel so angry with her and am almost nasty in my thinking about her. I chose to remember the bad times and not the good . I think it is because l cannot allow myself to feel the pain. It is my way of self preservation of sorts . Oh l don't know it is all so stupid and mixed up . Don't take any notice of me , thank you all so much .
    xXx-Sukysue-xXx
    • White_musk
    • By White_musk 8th Apr 18, 11:04 PM
    • 94 Posts
    • 651 Thanks
    White_musk
    Anger is a normal part of grieving, don't feel bad about having those feelings. I've posted about being so angry at my husband leaving me I picked up a very precious ornament and threw it. Of course it ended up in a thousand bit, I ended up in bits also, sprawled on the floor holding the biggest piece and sobbing 'till I could sob no more. It was a turning point for me though. I HAD to go through that anger and I did. I didn't understand it at the time and of course felt horrible guilt. It wasn't until later I learned anger is part of grief and it's perfectly normal and natural to feel the way I (and now you) are feeling.

    Hugs.
    God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, wisdom to know the difference.
    • sukysue
    • By sukysue 8th Apr 18, 11:18 PM
    • 1,758 Posts
    • 2,277 Thanks
    sukysue
    White musk, thank you for the hugs and right back at you too . I remember reading that you had done that up the thread . You are right, it is normal to go through this anger and l cannot judge the way my DH feels and is coping by my own feelings and where l am in the grieving process. Thank you yet again, l am most grateful to you all here. Thank God for such a thread .
    xXx-Sukysue-xXx
    • seven-day-weekend
    • By seven-day-weekend 8th Apr 18, 11:29 PM
    • 31,148 Posts
    • 59,593 Thanks
    seven-day-weekend
    I have PM'd Torry. Will update when I know more. Hope she is OK.
    • White_musk
    • By White_musk 8th Apr 18, 11:29 PM
    • 94 Posts
    • 651 Thanks
    White_musk
    No lovely, you can't. We all grieve differently. All we can do is get from one day to the next.

    It's not a bad thing to remember some people put on a terrific appearance but are screaming inside. Not all men but many put on a very stoical front, perhaps in an attempt to help those around them, maybe because they think it's the 'done thing'. Maybe for other reasons. When my darling FIL died, my DH shed a tear or two and never cried again, inside I knew he was breaking but he never once let it show. Madness really as containing those feelings and internalising all that pain never did anyone any good.

    Have another hug, because...
    God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, wisdom to know the difference.
    • White_musk
    • By White_musk 8th Apr 18, 11:30 PM
    • 94 Posts
    • 651 Thanks
    White_musk
    I have PM'd Torry. Will update when I know more. Hope she is OK.
    Originally posted by seven-day-weekend
    I do too, I'm worried about her, she was so very, very down. Thank you.

    Hugs.
    God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, wisdom to know the difference.
    • sukysue
    • By sukysue 8th Apr 18, 11:43 PM
    • 1,758 Posts
    • 2,277 Thanks
    sukysue
    Aw bless you thank you , l am so glad you have both pm'd Torry , l so hope she will respond , hugs to you all take care .
    xXx-Sukysue-xXx
    • lessonlearned
    • By lessonlearned 9th Apr 18, 12:04 AM
    • 10,489 Posts
    • 66,395 Thanks
    lessonlearned
    Hello Suky......welcome to the thread. I agree your feelings of anger are quite normal, it can be quite a shock when we feel that rage bubbling up inside but it is part of the grieving process.

    And I also agree it is far better to express our emotions and not bottle them up. Rage can be cathartic and tears can be balm, so do not suppress them. Let go in private.

    Torry.....thinking of you.
    Last edited by lessonlearned; 09-04-2018 at 12:08 AM.
    • kittie
    • By kittie 9th Apr 18, 6:31 AM
    • 12,446 Posts
    • 78,958 Thanks
    kittie
    suky welcome here, like everyone says, anger is part of the grieving process and you are still grieving but not been able to move that step forward to get past the anger. Anger can be `why didn`t she? why didn`t I? why didn`t the doctor?` A natural death or accident is far easier to cope with, my bil had to cope with suicides, two of his brothers but once he appreciated that this was their choice, then he came out of that stuck place. I would take that small step of finding a quiet place and writing all your anger down, then go and burn your writing. Then light a peaceful candle. We have a day to be born and a day to die. It was her time

    I had to get rid of my anger very quickly, after all my husband died while out doing what he loved, cycling. Soon after that happened, I thought `he loved cycling more than me` no he didn`t, it was me that gave him permission to do these things, so first I was angry with him and then at me but it was his time and the anger went and then I felt at peace knowing that I had made him very happy. I wrote all this down, I cannot tell you how much it helped

    White-musk that throw, I have used throws to wrap around seat cushions on a sofa but under the mattress sounds like a perfectly good place

    edit: torry is still around, posting on other threads yesterday
    Last edited by kittie; 09-04-2018 at 7:05 AM.
    • seven-day-weekend
    • By seven-day-weekend 9th Apr 18, 7:16 AM
    • 31,148 Posts
    • 59,593 Thanks
    seven-day-weekend
    I have PM'd Torry. Will update when I know more. Hope she is OK.
    Originally posted by seven-day-weekend
    I have not heard from Torry, but she was contributing to a discussion yesterday. Maybe she just needs some space.

    (Just noticed Kittie's remark!).
    • sukysue
    • By sukysue 9th Apr 18, 7:44 AM
    • 1,758 Posts
    • 2,277 Thanks
    sukysue
    Thank you Lesson Learned and Kittie, nay thank you everyone, you have all been so welcoming. I know what you are saying and l will give the writing down of the reasons why l can't let go and burn it and light a lovely candle. l have just the right one. I hope to God l can move on, it has been nearly three years now and l need to for my sanity and quality of life. My poor mil , God bless her heart.
    You have all been through so much pain and shock here, you are such a great support for each other , long may it continue.
    Last edited by sukysue; 09-04-2018 at 7:46 AM.
    xXx-Sukysue-xXx
    • seven-day-weekend
    • By seven-day-weekend 9th Apr 18, 2:00 PM
    • 31,148 Posts
    • 59,593 Thanks
    seven-day-weekend
    Heard from Torry. She is around and as well as can be expected. Not OK by any stretch of the imagination. But still around.

    • poppy811
    • By poppy811 9th Apr 18, 2:18 PM
    • 104 Posts
    • 1,439 Thanks
    poppy811
    Went to see some old friends yesterday. I knew he had a terminal diagnosis some months ago but I was really shocked at how poorly he is now.. His poor wife is exhausted and he said several times that he has had enough. My son and family go out to New Zealand to visit his Mum in Law who is also terminally ill.. Just seems to be a very sad time, need some good news. Roll on some sunshine! Kittie good luck with the house hunt, nothing suitable for me at the moment.
    • kittie
    • By kittie 9th Apr 18, 5:55 PM
    • 12,446 Posts
    • 78,958 Thanks
    kittie
    oh dear poppy, I hope you all manage to stay strong for each other

    Nothing doing re the houses, I saw 3 today including one EA persuaded me to see, way out of my league and totally not future proofed but I am learning on my feet. One cottage tomorrow and then I am stopping. If anything appears then RM will alert me. Too stressful and tiring. At least I have pinned down some areas that I would be very happy to move to
    • White_musk
    • By White_musk 9th Apr 18, 6:10 PM
    • 94 Posts
    • 651 Thanks
    White_musk
    So relieved Torry is ok. Thanks for letting us know.

    Had such a lovely day. My back is aching still but over the course of the day with lots of rests I cleaned the whole house, baked for dinner and had a lovely phone call with one of my DD. The weather is bright and cheerful, to my shame on such a lovely day I STILL forgot to wash the darn throw. Oh well, never mind.

    Due to my back I decided to order my shopping on line, Mr T duly arrived and when I was putting the shopping away there wasn't much veg. I was all set to ring Mr T and shout at them but thankfully checked the receipt and also the confirmation e-mail to find I hadn't ordered what I thought I had. This means I have no choice but to go to the greengrocers at some point this week. I think I've mentioned before I cook daily from scratch as I have an autoimmune condition that wheat and processed foods inflame. I eat loads and loads of fruit and veg each day and a large portion of protein, if I stick to that then I find the AO is kept under control. I was tested for coeliacs but it came back negative. My GP said quite often they get a false negative as you have to load up on glutton the day before and as I knew I would suffer if I did I only had a little bit. He just recommended avoiding glutton if it helps - it does.

    I'm now off to wash the dishes and the furry paws bowls as they've had their weekly sardines today then they can have their proper dinner, a little late today - oops.

    Hugs.

    Edit to add: Just as I posted this, knock on the door. It was a young lad who is starting a window cleaning business, I am more than happy to be added to his list of clients.
    Last edited by White_musk; 09-04-2018 at 6:13 PM.
    God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, wisdom to know the difference.
    • White_musk
    • By White_musk 9th Apr 18, 6:15 PM
    • 94 Posts
    • 651 Thanks
    White_musk
    Poppy, I'm so, so sorry to read your news. My thoughts are with you.

    Hugs.
    God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, wisdom to know the difference.
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