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    • Kitty_Kat55
    • By Kitty_Kat55 9th Jan 18, 11:44 AM
    • 13Posts
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    Kitty_Kat55
    Child care after separation / divorce
    • #1
    • 9th Jan 18, 11:44 AM
    Child care after separation / divorce 9th Jan 18 at 11:44 AM
    I am about to start divorce proceeding after the breakdown of my 10 year marriage. I have 2 children 1 and 6. At the moment my ex has the children around 50% of the time, (mid week and alternate weekends)

    He has a good job and seems to think that he won't have to give me any maintenance at all as he has the children some of the time. I only work part time. He is with another woman now (he was having an affair with her which is why the marriage ended). I have no problem with her being around my children when he is there, however, he has decided to avoid paying any money to me, she will look after the children on his days while he is at work. Do I have the right to refuse this as it doesn't sit comfortably with me, (she wants to train as a child-minder in the future.)

    I knew that divorce was going to be tricky but I couldn't believe it would come to this. He is living with her and still paying the mortgage on the house I am living in, even that makes him think that once it's sold I can't have my share as he is paying the mortgage. He just gets in my head and I don't know what to believe any more.

    Thanks in advance.
Page 1
    • marliepanda
    • By marliepanda 9th Jan 18, 11:49 AM
    • 5,918 Posts
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    marliepanda
    • #2
    • 9th Jan 18, 11:49 AM
    • #2
    • 9th Jan 18, 11:49 AM
    So you have shared custody but you don't want him to go to work and leave your child with his new partner on those days?

    Is there any reason for this or is it just because you 'dont want it.'

    Seems a bit unfair if she hasnt actually done anything. Surely it is a good idea for your child to make a relationship with the woman who may end up being with their father for a long period.
    • Comms69
    • By Comms69 9th Jan 18, 11:50 AM
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    Comms69
    • #3
    • 9th Jan 18, 11:50 AM
    • #3
    • 9th Jan 18, 11:50 AM
    I am about to start divorce proceeding after the breakdown of my 10 year marriage. I have 2 children 1 and 6. At the moment my ex has the children around 50% of the time, (mid week and alternate weekends)

    He has a good job and seems to think that he won't have to give me any maintenance at all as he has the children some of the time. I only work part time. He is with another woman now (he was having an affair with her which is why the marriage ended). I have no problem with her being around my children when he is there, however, he has decided to avoid paying any money to me, she will look after the children on his days while he is at work. Do I have the right to refuse this as it doesn't sit comfortably with me, (she wants to train as a child-minder in the future.)

    I knew that divorce was going to be tricky but I couldn't believe it would come to this. He is living with her and still paying the mortgage on the house I am living in, even that makes him think that once it's sold I can't have my share as he is paying the mortgage. He just gets in my head and I don't know what to believe any more.

    Thanks in advance.
    Originally posted by Kitty_Kat55
    If he has the children half the time, then maintenance would be reduced. However that shouldn't mean you limit contact obviously! Perhaps just negotiate a private arrangement?


    You cannot dictate who looks after your children when it's his turn. Just like he cant with you.


    The starting point is 50/50, but he is not obliged to pay the mortgage, so rocking that boat now would not be a good idea.
    • thorsoak
    • By thorsoak 9th Jan 18, 12:06 PM
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    thorsoak
    • #4
    • 9th Jan 18, 12:06 PM
    • #4
    • 9th Jan 18, 12:06 PM
    Make sure you get a solicitor with a good track record in divorce/child custody/maintenance proceedings.

    Let the solicitors do the negotiating - divorce is stressful enough without arguing personally.
    • Kitty_Kat55
    • By Kitty_Kat55 9th Jan 18, 12:29 PM
    • 13 Posts
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    Kitty_Kat55
    • #5
    • 9th Jan 18, 12:29 PM
    • #5
    • 9th Jan 18, 12:29 PM
    The reason I don't want her to have my children is because she is the cause my marriage ended, between him and her my marriage was ruined and my life turned upside down. I can't stop him seeing them and I wouldn't even consider it. However, I don't want her to have that amount of control over my children. Apart from the fact that they are intending on moving out of the area which doesn't help with schooling. I do not consider her to be a suitable person to care for my children.
    As it stands, he is restricting who I can invite into our house, which is jointly owned, when we first married I was earning more than him, so historically have put my share into the home, I can't work full time as I am looking after HIS children. It sounds to me as though I am getting shafted here for sure. I am seeing a solicitor next week, hopefully they can advise on the house issue.
    • marliepanda
    • By marliepanda 9th Jan 18, 12:35 PM
    • 5,918 Posts
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    marliepanda
    • #6
    • 9th Jan 18, 12:35 PM
    • #6
    • 9th Jan 18, 12:35 PM
    The reason I don't want her to have my children is because she is the cause my marriage ended, between him and her my marriage was ruined and my life turned upside down. I can't stop him seeing them and I wouldn't even consider it. However, I don't want her to have that amount of control over my children. Apart from the fact that they are intending on moving out of the area which doesn't help with schooling. I do not consider her to be a suitable person to care for my children.
    As it stands, he is restricting who I can invite into our house, which is jointly owned, when we first married I was earning more than him, so historically have put my share into the home, I can't work full time as I am looking after HIS children. It sounds to me as though I am getting shafted here for sure. I am seeing a solicitor next week, hopefully they can advise on the house issue.
    Originally posted by Kitty_Kat55
    He is the childrens father, and has as much right to assess suitability as you, sorry.

    How is he restricting who comes into your house? How does he police this? How on earth could he enforce this?

    Okay so when you (hopefully) feel ready and want to get a new partner, you are not allowed to let him look after the children alone. Is that what you want?
    • Comms69
    • By Comms69 9th Jan 18, 12:36 PM
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    Comms69
    • #7
    • 9th Jan 18, 12:36 PM
    • #7
    • 9th Jan 18, 12:36 PM
    The reason I don't want her to have my children is because she is the cause my marriage ended, between him and her my marriage was ruined and my life turned upside down. - I don't know your circumstances, but often an affair is a result of issues elsewhere, not the other way round. Ultimately You have to separate your issues and the children. I can't stop him seeing them and I wouldn't even consider it. However, I don't want her to have that amount of control over my children. Apart from the fact that they are intending on moving out of the area which doesn't help with schooling. I do not consider her to be a suitable person to care for my children. - on what basis?
    As it stands, he is restricting who I can invite into our house, which is jointly owned - he cant do that, just like you cant if he was to move back in with new partner. , when we first married I was earning more than him, so historically have put my share into the home, I can't work full time as I am looking after HIS children. It sounds to me as though I am getting shafted here for sure. I am seeing a solicitor next week, hopefully they can advise on the house issue.
    Originally posted by Kitty_Kat55


    I thought you couldn't work because you claim DLA?? Now im confused.
    • gettingtheresometime
    • By gettingtheresometime 9th Jan 18, 12:45 PM
    • 3,719 Posts
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    gettingtheresometime
    • #8
    • 9th Jan 18, 12:45 PM
    • #8
    • 9th Jan 18, 12:45 PM
    The reason I don't want her to have my children is because she is the cause my marriage ended, between him and her my marriage was ruined and my life turned upside down. I can't stop him seeing them and I wouldn't even consider it. However, I don't want her to have that amount of control over my children. Apart from the fact that they are intending on moving out of the area which doesn't help with schooling. I do not consider her to be a suitable person to care for my children.
    As it stands, he is restricting who I can invite into our house, which is jointly owned, when we first married I was earning more than him, so historically have put my share into the home, I can't work full time as I am looking after HIS children. It sounds to me as though I am getting shafted here for sure. I am seeing a solicitor next week, hopefully they can advise on the house issue.
    Originally posted by Kitty_Kat55


    I understand you're hurt and upset (which probably doesn't even come close to describing it) but take a step back here.


    yes she is the cause of the divorce but if (and I appreciate it's a big if) she remains with him, then the children's life events (birthdays, school events, family events) are going to be a nightmare for everyone, especially the children.


    What you have to remember is that he may think he can do X, Y & Z but that isn't necessarily the case - just as you can't dictate A, B & C.


    For now, ignore his grand standings (easier said than done I know) and speak to your solicitor. Unless your solicitor agrees that your husband MAY be able to do something, remember it's all mind games.
    Lloyds OD / Natwest OD / PO CC / Wescott / Argos Card cleared thanks to the 1 debt v 100 day challenge


    Next on the list - JD Williams
    • copperclock
    • By copperclock 9th Jan 18, 1:35 PM
    • 272 Posts
    • 327 Thanks
    copperclock
    • #9
    • 9th Jan 18, 1:35 PM
    • #9
    • 9th Jan 18, 1:35 PM
    The reason I don't want her to have my children is because she is the cause my marriage ended, between him and her my marriage was ruined and my life turned upside down. I can't stop him seeing them and I wouldn't even consider it. However, I don't want her to have that amount of control over my children. Apart from the fact that they are intending on moving out of the area which doesn't help with schooling. I do not consider her to be a suitable person to care for my children.
    As it stands, he is restricting who I can invite into our house, which is jointly owned, when we first married I was earning more than him, so historically have put my share into the home, I can't work full time as I am looking after HIS children. It sounds to me as though I am getting shafted here for sure. I am seeing a solicitor next week, hopefully they can advise on the house issue.
    Originally posted by Kitty_Kat55
    How will a 50/50 contact arrangement work if they move out of the area?

    Do you actually want a 50/50 split with the children, or do you want them to be with you more? How was the current situation decided?

    You really need to see a solicitor asap. There are often loads of 'facts' thrown around by parties in a divorce, but you need somebody professional to tell you what a judge might see as fair as a starting point (even if you end up agreeing on a different scenario).
    • Kitty_Kat55
    • By Kitty_Kat55 9th Jan 18, 1:56 PM
    • 13 Posts
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    Kitty_Kat55
    I have already met someone else. The affair began when my baby was 2 months old, (he has a history of adultery). We split in January last year, and I met someone in July this year. He is NOT allowed into my home as my ex says he can dictate because he pays the mortgage. I have texts from him saying that he will "deal with him" if he comes around. He periodically comes round when I am alone I suspect it's to see if he is there.
    The police have already been involved because he went to his elderly parents house threatening the fight him.
    It's all about money to him. If he chooses to move out of the area then that is his problem to deal with as I intend to remain in the same area.

    With regard to the comment about DLA, I am using my mums account on here, so any previous posts, have not and should not be included or commented on.
    • Kitty_Kat55
    • By Kitty_Kat55 9th Jan 18, 1:58 PM
    • 13 Posts
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    Kitty_Kat55
    I thought you couldn't work because you claim DLA?? Now im confused.
    Originally posted by Comms69
    Don't be confused, it's not relevant as it's my mums MSE account. Not sure why you looked anyway???
    • Cheeky_Monkey
    • By Cheeky_Monkey 9th Jan 18, 2:06 PM
    • 1,691 Posts
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    Cheeky_Monkey
    I have already met someone else. The affair began when my baby was 2 months old, (he has a history of adultery). We split in January last year, and I met someone in July this year. He is NOT allowed into my home as my ex says he can dictate because he pays the mortgage. I have texts from him saying that he will "deal with him" if he comes around. He periodically comes round when I am alone I suspect it's to see if he is there.
    The police have already been involved because he went to his elderly parents house threatening the fight him.
    It's all about money to him. If he chooses to move out of the area then that is his problem to deal with as I intend to remain in the same area.

    With regard to the comment about DLA, I am using my mums account on here, so any previous posts, have not and should not be included or commented on.
    Originally posted by Kitty_Kat55
    In which case it's probably best that you register your own account instead of using your mum's.

    Btw, the facility to find OP's other posts is available and used regularly by a lot of posters.
    I used to be indecisive - now I'm not so sure
    • chesky
    • By chesky 9th Jan 18, 2:17 PM
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    chesky
    When my ex and I separated many, many moons ago, he tried to stipulate, via his solicitor, that nobody else could move into the house, even though I had half bought him out (he retained a quarter share). I was not seeing anybody else at the time and had absolutely no intention of ever living with anyone else ever again - on which, I!!!8217;m happy to say I have not changed my opinion. However, I was insensed at his trying to control my life and told my solicitor to inform him of that. He backed down. They all try and get away with stuff.
    • Money maker
    • By Money maker 9th Jan 18, 2:17 PM
    • 5,010 Posts
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    Money maker
    He sounds a bit of a control freak then, I cant have you and no one else will either. You're well shot. Wait until you see the solicitor, he can help you sort things out. A complete split of the finances might be in order, whilst he's doing you a favour by paying the mortgage, he's using it to keep control over your life. As it stands, you should be entitled to start at a 50/50 split but I dont know how that would change if he pays your mortgage for the next 17 years.
    Please do not quote spam as this enables it to 'live on' once the spam post is removed.

    If you quote me, don't forget the capital 'M'

    Declutterers of the world - unite!
    • gettingtheresometime
    • By gettingtheresometime 9th Jan 18, 2:22 PM
    • 3,719 Posts
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    gettingtheresometime
    I have already met someone else. The affair began when my baby was 2 months old, (he has a history of adultery). We split in January last year, and I met someone in July this year. He is NOT allowed into my home as my ex says he can dictate because he pays the mortgage. I have texts from him saying that he will "deal with him" if he comes around. He periodically comes round when I am alone I suspect it's to see if he is there.
    The police have already been involved because he went to his elderly parents house threatening the fight him.
    It's all about money to him. If he chooses to move out of the area then that is his problem to deal with as I intend to remain in the same area.

    With regard to the comment about DLA, I am using my mums account on here, so any previous posts, have not and should not be included or commented on.
    Originally posted by Kitty_Kat55


    So play him at his own game until you can get some proper legal advice. Don't have the boyfriend around but that's not to say you can't go out, with the children, with him or be with the boyfriend in the presence of the children.


    (though I have to say if you've moved on, your objection to the girlfriend being in their company is on shaky ground).


    Make a list of everything you want to ask the solicitor including what he can and can't insist on.

    In which case it's probably best that you register your own account instead of using your mum's.

    Btw, the facility to find OP's other posts is available and used regularly by a lot of posters.
    Originally posted by Cheeky_Monkey


    You don't necessarily have to actively search for other posts...if you 'visit' other boards then sometimes a username will stick and when you come across then a post with conflicting information you do question it
    Lloyds OD / Natwest OD / PO CC / Wescott / Argos Card cleared thanks to the 1 debt v 100 day challenge


    Next on the list - JD Williams
    • Comms69
    • By Comms69 9th Jan 18, 2:58 PM
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    Comms69
    Don't be confused, it's not relevant as it's my mums MSE account. Not sure why you looked anyway???
    Originally posted by Kitty_Kat55
    Because it helps to tailor advice?...
    • FBaby
    • By FBaby 9th Jan 18, 3:58 PM
    • 16,726 Posts
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    FBaby
    This thread is very confusing. So you've been separated for a year now. What has been the arrangement so far in terms of childcare when they are with him? Or has been paying for childcare but she's now agreed to look after them?

    You've met someone you've moved on so you need to to see it that she's done you a favour. I assume with the divorce underway you might have to sell the house now.

    I don't think you are in a position to demand that he pays for childcare and the full mortgage and maintenance when you could do the same than him and look for a full time job.
    • heavenfire
    • By heavenfire 9th Jan 18, 11:08 PM
    • 1,822 Posts
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    heavenfire

    yes she is the cause of the divorce but if (and I appreciate it's a big if) she remains with him, then the children's life events (birthdays, school events, family events) are going to be a nightmare for everyone, especially the children.
    Originally posted by gettingtheresometime
    Actually her husband is the reason and cause for the divorce
    • FBaby
    • By FBaby 10th Jan 18, 7:04 AM
    • 16,726 Posts
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    FBaby
    What is your solicitor telling you?
    So many options. Are you happy for the house to be sold and move elsewhere, maybe with your new partner? If that's the case, then the start in division of equity will be 50/50. You might be more.

    If you want to remain in the house, and somehow this is agreed by the judge against his wishes due to the children being young, it is likely that he wouldn't be expected to continue to pay the mortgage, or at least not if/when your new partner were to move in with you in the house. Again, whether he would be liable to continue to pay the full mortgage, half or nothing might depend on maintenance arrangements, pensions etc...

    As to maintenance, the system doesn't cope well with a 50/50 arrangement. In theory, he is right that it would mean no maintenance paid either way, unless you were to claim for one child whilst he claimed for the other and he demanded maintenance from you for one, you for the other, and as he earns more, he would have to pay more than you would have to pay him. You would however lose CB/tax credits for one child, so all in all, you might not be better off doing that.

    he has decided to avoid paying any money to me, she will look after the children on his days while he is at work
    Is this because currently, you are paying for the full childcare, even when he works but you are paying the entire fee? Are you claiming the full fee in tax credits back? So is the issue that if she looks after the children, he won't give you anything towards the childcare bill but also you'll lose out in tax credits?

    Whatever the reason, you can't dictate that she can't look after the children when they are with him. Affairs and divorce are very emotionally painful, but the only way to heal is to move on. I hope things progress well with your new partner so you can indeed look back and see that your husband really did you a favour, but either way, you'll have to accept that this woman will become involved in the life of your children, just like your new partner will be.
    • Kitty_Kat55
    • By Kitty_Kat55 15th Jan 18, 11:08 AM
    • 13 Posts
    • 7 Thanks
    Kitty_Kat55
    In which case it's probably best that you register your own account instead of using your mum's.

    Btw, the facility to find OP's other posts is available and used regularly by a lot of posters.
    Originally posted by Cheeky_Monkey
    I fail to see the relevance. If you have nothing constructive to say then I see no point in adding to this post.
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