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  • FIRST POST
    • frannyj543
    • By frannyj543 6th Jan 18, 5:06 PM
    • 177Posts
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    frannyj543
    Can working together and relationship work.
    • #1
    • 6th Jan 18, 5:06 PM
    Can working together and relationship work. 6th Jan 18 at 5:06 PM
    Ok i have posted on here many times about relationship things.

    I work in an office with my partner. We are joint owners and we have no other staff. Just the 2 of us. We spend at least 8 hours a day in office. Then the rest of the time is either spent on our own for a few hours or together.

    We work during the early afternoon and evening so by the time we finish it's 10pm. Very late to do anything social.

    For me I am concerned that this is becoming a working partnership rather than a relationship.

    I miss other people's contact. I miss the office chat with work mates about the football. I miss just other human interaction. We are at a vital point in our lives where if this is going to be a problem id rather deal sooner rather than later.

    We live in my other halves town, it is a foreign country but i am starting to get to grips with the language little by little but I just feel like I'm living a life that offers not much life and excitement. I honestly have no other people in my life here maybe once a month I go for a few beers with a few customers I have but that's 3 hours amd my other half is generally nearby.

    I just wondered did anyone else have the same experience working with partner. I dont mean in same call centre of 200 people but someone you actually work with. I don't know what's going on in my head regarding it at the minute all I know is that I'm extremely bored and unmotivated here.

    The job is good, the money is good and it is easily a stable job that could be good for 20+ years. But the thought of living like this for 20 years feels depressing. I need other people in my life I cant just have one can I?
Page 2
    • DCFC79
    • By DCFC79 7th Jan 18, 5:34 PM
    • 31,917 Posts
    • 20,102 Thanks
    DCFC79
    Its I'm Europe but I dont want to say more as I dont want this to identify me completely.

    My other half knows my issues. However thinks we are better here. They have family, friends and culture and knowing everyone and everything. I have a decent business and them.

    My life is good. Better than when i was single? 200%. But how much or how longer we can go on i dont know.
    Originally posted by frannyj543
    You live and work in Spain or used to.
    • HampshireH
    • By HampshireH 7th Jan 18, 5:40 PM
    • 700 Posts
    • 745 Thanks
    HampshireH

    My life is good. Better than when i was single? 200%. But how much or how longer we can go on i dont know.
    Originally posted by frannyj543
    Really? Is that honestly the case.? From reading your and others comments it would seem you have money from employment but no happiness in doing so.

    Whats the point in money if you arent happy in life?
    • gwynlas
    • By gwynlas 7th Jan 18, 5:45 PM
    • 183 Posts
    • 221 Thanks
    gwynlas
    Can working together and relationship work.
    If you are working Mon=Fri then you need to do something completely different on weekend. Travel to the city, stay at an hotel make time to date each other like couples with kids have to.
    • -taff
    • By -taff 7th Jan 18, 6:47 PM
    • 7,420 Posts
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    -taff
    So the problem is your soical life or lack of it? Move somewhere else then.
    It's spending too much time with your partner at work? Find another job
    Can't speak the language to make new friends? Make more of an effort to learn it.
    DOn't love your partner any more? Leave.

    Your problems are not that difficult, You need to do something about it, the opinions of others matters not at all, mine included.
    No-one can make you do anything, that bit is up to you.

    I have some sympathy for people who find themselves in difficult situations.You're not in a difficult situation. You have options.
    • Primrose
    • By Primrose 7th Jan 18, 7:05 PM
    • 8,062 Posts
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    Primrose
    On the contrary. The OP is in a difficult position.
    He/she has uprooted themselves to a foreign country where they don!!!8217;t speak the language well after the death of the remaining parent in the UK (read an earlier thread) and is trying to make a new life for themselves in a social and working environment where actually they now seem to have compability issues with their partner. They are also in a fairly rural area where a lot of the choices and facilities available in a city for improving things are not easily accessible.

    Sensible solutions to difficult human problems are not made by just snapping one fingers so that a magic wand appears. Sometimes there are genuine difficulties that are not easily surmounted and trying to make the right decision feels like wading through treacle.

    The OP doesn,t have family to advise and support. Sometimes it takes a while to work all these issues out in your mind which is why they are on this forum trying to find some help to wade through the quagmire that they now seem to be in.
    • frannyj543
    • By frannyj543 7th Jan 18, 7:41 PM
    • 177 Posts
    • 109 Thanks
    frannyj543
    Primrose again hit the nail on the head.

    That is literally my situation summed up. Here although I have a partner I see too much at home I have nothing. Bricks and water and a few friends.

    Here i have a successful business, a living partner and a sense of mental and physical well-being. I Was never depressed or anything but given a few circumstances like the death of my mother almost 1 year ago had I not been with my partner I have a slight fear on my route. Probably spent endless days in the pub pieces together where to go or what to do. And again that is a few that arises.

    Life isn't as straight forward as some say. As humans we can convince ourselves of one thing only to give it up and realise that that was holding us together.

    My partner is my stability and my motivation. She also helped me through my worst ever tine in my life so it isn't as easy as saying thanks but goodbye. Maybe she is the one and I have to persevere and try other things.

    I dont know the answers. I haven't had this situation before so cant call back on past experiences. I also haven't had the financial decisions regarding houses/mortgages to worry about.

    I'm also knocking on 30 so although I'm young I do want a family in the next 3-5 years. I understand that i shouldn't have a family for the sake of having it but maybe this is the opportunity that I have been lucky enough to be given. Not many people get this opportunity to move and try something new. And to be honest I'm kind of in a way lucky to be here as if I was living in my mothers house I don't know what way I would be.

    There are issues that need resolved but to think that it's just flip a coin and make a decision is stupid. Nothing in life from ordering a take away to a relationship is as straight forward as some posters make it sound.
    • frannyj543
    • By frannyj543 7th Jan 18, 7:49 PM
    • 177 Posts
    • 109 Thanks
    frannyj543
    Taff if it was just one thing that would be easy to address. Life crosses over so someone's work may impact or dictate where they live. Which then leads to what social things they do. So yes I could easily book a flight back to the UK. Get a job, find an area I like, have no partner and speak my own language. But Maybe I'm less happy. Maybe you've experience someone in my shoes who has walked away from you or the opposite made you move around and it didn't work out. Who knows everyone here has their own story to tell.
    • Savvy_Sue
    • By Savvy_Sue 7th Jan 18, 7:53 PM
    • 38,615 Posts
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    Savvy_Sue
    it seems to me that the one thing you could, fairly easily, do something about is improving your language skills. And I suspect that you could, at the same time, improve your independent social life.

    Even if there is no formal tuition available in the mornings, could you not find someone with the skills to teach you / help you improve your skills in your partner's mother tongue once a week? From there, could you not move on to other activities?
    Still knitting!
    Completed: 1 adult cardigan, 3 baby jumpers, 3 shawls, 1 sweat band, 3 pairs baby bootees,
    1 Wise Man Knitivity figure + 1 sheep, 2 pairs socks, 2 hats 2 balaclavas for seamen, 1 balaclava for myself ...
    Current projects: Poppies, mohair cardigan pattern arrived and going strong!
    • Primrose
    • By Primrose 7th Jan 18, 8:17 PM
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    • 28,175 Thanks
    Primrose
    Franny, Maybe it!!!8217;s time to sit down with your partner and admit that you seem to have hit a temporary crash barrier in your life, that you were grateful for the support you had from them after your mother!!!8217;s death and would appreciate some support in helping you understand why you!!!8217;re hitting this barrier.

    Your future, whatever you decide, will affect her/him too and after two years in this new environment I think it is time for an honest review between you of how things are working out.

    I would think some independent counselling would help you but you would need to undertake this in your own language . Its a process in which you need to engage in an articulate manner because of its very nature, and trying to express yourself in a foreign language in which you are not proficient would reduce the value of the process.

    Do you have any close friends here in the UK who know you well enough to offer some sensible advice, knowing your personality ?
    • frannyj543
    • By frannyj543 7th Jan 18, 8:52 PM
    • 177 Posts
    • 109 Thanks
    frannyj543
    I take language lessons 2-3 times per week. I am around a B1 level which is able to have small conversations. Understand a lot of what people say and read texts. To be comfortable in an environment you really need a b2 level. Levels start a1 being nothing to C1 being basically native. So I am getting their slowly but again it isn't easy.

    I spent 8 hours a day speaking my own language plus at home. But I am trying. I would say by this time next year I would be comfortably between b1 and b2. It's a big jump the difference.

    Primrose I have friends who I have discussed it before with. The problem is I have weeks and months where i am thankful and appreciative of what I have. Then I have weeks where I'm thinking this is crazy. 24 hours with a person. I place i have no sense of identity. I cant even order a !!!!!!! Chinese on a Saturday night because there isn't one. Small things.

    So I find it really hard to distinguish is it unfamiliarity is it relationship fading away is it both. Is it me feeling that I have to commit here to settle down and make a future.

    I look at my other half with pure pride. Although maybe the passion isn't there like it was at the start I know that if my chips were down like they have been she would be there. Loyal trustworthy. Which isn't easy to find. Am I going to gamble on excitement and a feeling of belonging at home or am I going to accept ok. You've been dealt a fairly good hand here. Let it roll for another 6 months assess it. Take it from there. Because we're are quite financial stable. We could move away. We have a house here and the UK. So money isnt a problem.
    • Primrose
    • By Primrose 7th Jan 18, 9:05 PM
    • 8,062 Posts
    • 28,175 Thanks
    Primrose
    Maybe you've hit this barrier because you are a person who likes to be challenged and apart from the language barrier, you need another challenge to be working on to relieve this period of boredom.


    I think if you were to ask most working people how their life is, most of them would say that a large percentage of it appears to be hum drum routine, enlivened occasionally by some breaks or interesting activities. Do you think, for the first time in your life, you are probably now entering the "routine" phase and are starting to learn the old saying that life is 90 perspiration and 10 aspiration?"


    maybe you've got the right person but in the wrong place and this is the cause of some of your discontent? Is this your own business? If so, would it be possible to set it up somewhere else in your current country where there are more civilised opportunities for you both to indulge in some separate interests? it might mean a rather uncomfortable time, but possibly a challenge that would resolve some of your boredom and frustration?
    • Savvy_Sue
    • By Savvy_Sue 7th Jan 18, 11:19 PM
    • 38,615 Posts
    • 35,342 Thanks
    Savvy_Sue
    Also, would it be worth NOT speaking English at home, at least on some days?
    Still knitting!
    Completed: 1 adult cardigan, 3 baby jumpers, 3 shawls, 1 sweat band, 3 pairs baby bootees,
    1 Wise Man Knitivity figure + 1 sheep, 2 pairs socks, 2 hats 2 balaclavas for seamen, 1 balaclava for myself ...
    Current projects: Poppies, mohair cardigan pattern arrived and going strong!
    • -taff
    • By -taff 7th Jan 18, 11:45 PM
    • 7,420 Posts
    • 5,493 Thanks
    -taff
    Taff if it was just one thing that would be easy to address. Life crosses over so someone's work may impact or dictate where they live. Which then leads to what social things they do. So yes I could easily book a flight back to the UK. Get a job, find an area I like, have no partner and speak my own language. But Maybe I'm less happy. Maybe you've experience someone in my shoes who has walked away from you or the opposite made you move around and it didn't work out. Who knows everyone here has their own story to tell.
    Originally posted by frannyj543
    So far, bar the very first OH, I have left. I have moved around the country, and have lived for quite while where I am now.
    In hindsight, the only thing I regret is not taking up a trainee blacksmith role. I regret not at all leaving any of the partners.

    But I do know that when you start questioning a relationship to the extent that you are, it's usually over and there's no going back try as you like.

    I might be wrong, you might find yourself actualy telling your OH your concerns and seeing what happens with that.

    Have you done that yet?
    • Gloomendoom
    • By Gloomendoom 8th Jan 18, 6:22 AM
    • 14,149 Posts
    • 18,735 Thanks
    Gloomendoom
    Also, would it be worth NOT speaking English at home, at least on some days?
    Originally posted by Savvy_Sue
    My wife I did this when we were learning French. It does help.

    I would imagine that it would be even more effective in one party was fluent.
    Never argue with stupid people, they will drag you down to their level and then beat you with experience. - Mark Twain
    • Izadora
    • By Izadora 8th Jan 18, 10:20 AM
    • 1,540 Posts
    • 4,459 Thanks
    Izadora
    Is there any way you could employ someone else in your business so that one of you could get a different job?

    I met my husband at work and even though we were in an office of about 50 people and worked in different departments we did find how much time we spent together a bit too much sometimes so I can't imagine what it must be like when it's just the two of you all day.
    He changed jobs when we'd been together a couple of years and it massively improved our relationship. Rather than getting home knowing how each other's day went we ended up excited to see each other and it made us appreciate each other more.

    As others have said, trying to find an interest separate from your partner would be a good idea too. I know that some couples are fine with doing absolutely everything together but I feel that being individuals as well is important.
    • trailingspouse
    • By trailingspouse 8th Jan 18, 11:06 AM
    • 2,680 Posts
    • 4,369 Thanks
    trailingspouse
    It's hard to move to an area that is very different from what you are used to.

    I moved from a city in the north of England to an island off the coast of Scotland. Now, there were things that I loved about the move - the wide open spaces, the tranquility, going for long walks, birdwatching, being able to see the sea from my living room. But there were things that I hated - I was always going to be an incomer (people actually referred to me as 'yon English wife'!), the shopping was atrocious, pubs were for drinking and getting drunk in, and theatre etc was non-existent.

    I made the decision that the part of me that enjoyed long walks and tranquility was going to have a ball, but the part of me that enjoyed shopping and theatre would have to just take a back seat for a while. I knew that it wasn't a permanent move, and that helped enormously - I don't think I would have coped so well if it had been forever.
    • frannyj543
    • By frannyj543 8th Jan 18, 1:58 PM
    • 177 Posts
    • 109 Thanks
    frannyj543
    Thanks for the response and different opinions and past experience. I dont know how to reply individually and paste previous comments on my phone.

    I'm very much a city person. I have spent time abroad in big cities albiet English speaking. I lived previous to here in a big city circa 500k before coming here. Population here is about 7k. Huge difference.

    I did know that before but I am game to try anything once. My problem unlike last comment is that this feels like it has to be forever. Especially relationship wise. I know I wouldn't be here if it wasn't for other half. This is her home town.

    I also feel that after us living in the UK also I seen her how I am now. And she spoke the language perfect. It is a credit to her however she had been in the country 5 years before I met her and she been able to talk perfect English after 3 years living there. She had also learned English at school. I would expect in another year to year and a half I would be comfortable enough.

    I just feel like the decision I make now is crucial. We wont work in UK as she will feel like I do here. I also have no family to help if we have kids which is her concern whereas here she has family.

    As I say I feel trapped. I am happy with my partner but I am not happy with some of our conditions. I know this sounds like I want my cake and eat it but I have the girlfriend and the business and an easy life here however I have limited social life, work stresses are playing apart on our relationship slowly and in general I have no identity. Similar to previous post I'm also the English one who doesn't speak much of the language. It's hard.

    It seems like it's going to be a toss up of

    Stability, profitable business, decent quality of life in general, loyalty

    Vrs

    Social life, identity, working for someone else (which i dont mind), but no partner.

    I guess that's the way life works sometimes. Is it really too much to want everything. Millions of people have partner, decent income, decent social life, etc. Yes they can still have problems but the majority of their things are in place.
    • frannyj543
    • By frannyj543 8th Jan 18, 2:08 PM
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    • 109 Thanks
    frannyj543
    For those that ask about the job I can't employ anyone. It's a small 2 person business. Which pays for us. If one of is wasn't there effectively we would have to pay someone a wage. The business basically relies on us both being there 80% of the opening times.

    As for speaking the language at home we tried that but both get frustrated. To be honest we get up go to work. Back lunch maybe gym and then back to work. In evening generally we watch something generally on Netflix and normally different things.
    • Comms69
    • By Comms69 8th Jan 18, 2:11 PM
    • 2,970 Posts
    • 2,939 Thanks
    Comms69
    For those that ask about the job I can't employ anyone. It's a small 2 person business. Which pays for us. If one of is wasn't there effectively we would have to pay someone a wage. The business basically relies on us both being there 80% of the opening times.

    As for speaking the language at home we tried that but both get frustrated. To be honest we get up go to work. Back lunch maybe gym and then back to work. In evening generally we watch something generally on Netflix and normally different things.
    Originally posted by frannyj543


    Not being funny, but what happens when you want a holiday? Do you close the business down? You need to look at expanding it, so it works for you, not the other way around.


    Put it another way, if you fall ill, you will lose everything.
    • frannyj543
    • By frannyj543 8th Jan 18, 2:19 PM
    • 177 Posts
    • 109 Thanks
    frannyj543
    Holidays are kept to bank holidays. If one of us are ill the other can cope solo for a few days maybe a week.

    If something really bad happened we would have to close until it was resolved. The good thing here is we virtually have no outgoings. Small rent for the office and no rent for house. It's owned by family we just cover bills. Worst came to the worst we could comfortably live without work probably couple of years. That wouldn't be ideal though.
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