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  • FIRST POST
    • frannyj543
    • By frannyj543 6th Jan 18, 5:06 PM
    • 177Posts
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    frannyj543
    Can working together and relationship work.
    • #1
    • 6th Jan 18, 5:06 PM
    Can working together and relationship work. 6th Jan 18 at 5:06 PM
    Ok i have posted on here many times about relationship things.

    I work in an office with my partner. We are joint owners and we have no other staff. Just the 2 of us. We spend at least 8 hours a day in office. Then the rest of the time is either spent on our own for a few hours or together.

    We work during the early afternoon and evening so by the time we finish it's 10pm. Very late to do anything social.

    For me I am concerned that this is becoming a working partnership rather than a relationship.

    I miss other people's contact. I miss the office chat with work mates about the football. I miss just other human interaction. We are at a vital point in our lives where if this is going to be a problem id rather deal sooner rather than later.

    We live in my other halves town, it is a foreign country but i am starting to get to grips with the language little by little but I just feel like I'm living a life that offers not much life and excitement. I honestly have no other people in my life here maybe once a month I go for a few beers with a few customers I have but that's 3 hours amd my other half is generally nearby.

    I just wondered did anyone else have the same experience working with partner. I dont mean in same call centre of 200 people but someone you actually work with. I don't know what's going on in my head regarding it at the minute all I know is that I'm extremely bored and unmotivated here.

    The job is good, the money is good and it is easily a stable job that could be good for 20+ years. But the thought of living like this for 20 years feels depressing. I need other people in my life I cant just have one can I?
Page 1
    • Primrose
    • By Primrose 6th Jan 18, 5:38 PM
    • 8,058 Posts
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    Primrose
    • #2
    • 6th Jan 18, 5:38 PM
    • #2
    • 6th Jan 18, 5:38 PM
    You have posted several times about your situation and this one seems to be yet another brick in the block which is increasingly causing you frustration and to doubt that your life is in the right course.
    It,s not good for the pair of you to be cooped up together all day. You need the stimulation and conversation of others.
    I would think even long term your business will need fresh ideas as perhaps techno,only changes the way people work. You dont say what business you are in but could you employ a young work experience trainee? That would give you an additional project to focus on in your working hours.
    Even compatible couples need a break from each other and some separate interests.

    I think in the current set up you run a real risk of growing old before your time with no stimulation. Maybe if you had some help in the business you could take some time away and travel to see whether that satisfies your !!!8220;itch!!!8221; or whether it merely increases it.
    • balletshoes
    • By balletshoes 6th Jan 18, 6:33 PM
    • 16,090 Posts
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    balletshoes
    • #3
    • 6th Jan 18, 6:33 PM
    • #3
    • 6th Jan 18, 6:33 PM
    I love my husband, we've been together for 17 years, but we'd last about a day working together, especially if we were the only 2 people in the office!

    I'm with the previous poster OP, you're not happy, and you're not going to be happy continuing in this situation.
    • BrassicWoman
    • By BrassicWoman 6th Jan 18, 6:42 PM
    • 1,626 Posts
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    BrassicWoman
    • #4
    • 6th Jan 18, 6:42 PM
    • #4
    • 6th Jan 18, 6:42 PM
    You have posted so many times now I suspect your otpions are
    a) decide to live with it
    b) stay in the country but find another job
    c) come home; partner will either come with or won't!

    Make a list of the pros and cons of each?
    Jan 18 grocery challenge £105.13/ £150
    • mr.wendal
    • By mr.wendal 6th Jan 18, 6:50 PM
    • 18 Posts
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    mr.wendal
    • #5
    • 6th Jan 18, 6:50 PM
    • #5
    • 6th Jan 18, 6:50 PM
    Do you have free time in the mornings? Or weekends?

    You have to make time to go and meet other people just like you would in the UK.
    Were i live there are loads of activities early in the day aimed at active !!!8220;retired!!!8221; people but also welcome anyone free at that time. eg shift workers.
    walking or cycling
    learn to draw or paint

    could you even start an english conversation group for locals wanting to improve? That would help you as well.

    Just by going for a walk in the local park the same time each week will at least get you saying hello to the regulars.

    You said in another post you want to travel, so go be a tourist where you live now.

    Hope you find some way to get time to try some new stuff. good luck.
    • Fireflyaway
    • By Fireflyaway 6th Jan 18, 6:55 PM
    • 1,812 Posts
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    Fireflyaway
    • #6
    • 6th Jan 18, 6:55 PM
    • #6
    • 6th Jan 18, 6:55 PM
    It sounds like its getting to you and you need to make a decision. Personally I think my husband and I get on well because we have space and our own interests.
    My husband used to work with his brother ( I know that's a bit different) and they fell out. Being together for so long and getting on each others nerves just couldn't carry on.
    • comeandgo
    • By comeandgo 6th Jan 18, 7:15 PM
    • 2,064 Posts
    • 2,814 Thanks
    comeandgo
    • #7
    • 6th Jan 18, 7:15 PM
    • #7
    • 6th Jan 18, 7:15 PM
    I have worked with my husband, did it for ten years, there were only the two of us office based, other employees not office based. We did just fine and I!!!8217;d do it again no problem. We have different strengths and our working lives were a different !!!8220;relationship ratio!!!8221;. I do not have many friends I meet or go out with, but I don!!!8217;t need them, you do. Could you volunteer your skills to some organisation and you could meet new people that way?
    • suejb2
    • By suejb2 6th Jan 18, 8:19 PM
    • 1,386 Posts
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    suejb2
    • #8
    • 6th Jan 18, 8:19 PM
    Work
    • #8
    • 6th Jan 18, 8:19 PM
    If you worked a 'normal' 9-5 you would have the evenings free. Flip your day round and in your case you surely have the mornings free. Can you do something with this time just for yourself?
    Life is like a bath, the longer you are in it the more wrinkly you become.
    • Savvy_Sue
    • By Savvy_Sue 7th Jan 18, 1:27 AM
    • 38,612 Posts
    • 35,334 Thanks
    Savvy_Sue
    • #9
    • 7th Jan 18, 1:27 AM
    • #9
    • 7th Jan 18, 1:27 AM
    Some people can make it work, but what you describe doesn't sound great, OP. I agree with the suggestion to get out without him in the mornings if you're working afternoons and evenings.

    DH once idly suggested me applying to work with him, until I pointed out that in the roles we'd be doing it would be very hard to take leave at the same time. And he actually did apply to where I work (unsuccessfully). I told my manager I'd resign if he was successful - again because in our respective roles it would have been difficult to take leave together.
    Still knitting!
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    • -taff
    • By -taff 7th Jan 18, 12:41 PM
    • 7,420 Posts
    • 5,493 Thanks
    -taff
    Your lack of language skills is the problem, not working with your partner.

    Friends and a social life don't magically appear, you have to work at them.

    Why not try changing your working hours, I don't know what you do that requires you to be open till 10pm or why you have to start so late? Start earlier, finish earlier.

    Have a day off a week where you go somewhere, or do something towards a hobby, in order to meet other people.


    I worked with my partner for about 10 years, we had arguments, mostly to do with my inability to explain things when training someone, but it helped both of us becauuse we go to know each others strengths and weaknesses.
    • frannyj543
    • By frannyj543 7th Jan 18, 3:58 PM
    • 177 Posts
    • 109 Thanks
    frannyj543
    A fuller picture.

    We work in a language academy. I am an English teacher my other half is bilingual in English and their native language.

    We operate Monday to Friday around 10-12 and then 4-10pm. These are the hours in demand. It's when schools are finished and when adults finish work.

    As a whole the business is a huge success. Financially we are making more than we did in the UK however we dont get paid holidays etc but that isn't a problem as we make 12 months money in about 9-10 months.

    We live in a very small town that has limited facilities. The gym is a 1960s version that runs no classes or has any kind of community vibe like running clubs etc.

    There are no shopping centres no social events for younger people. The average age is around 50 I would estimate. Most if the people between 20-35 (my age range) do not live here. Most go to big cities work and when they are ready to have a family move back.

    My other half is the best person I know and if circumstances were right I think would make the perfect long term partner. But under these conditions I cant see it. My language skills are a problem but I would guess that if we were working in UK together and had no social scene with others the problem would still occur.

    The nearest cities with any form of entertainment are around 40 minutes away. As I said we also have a lack of people to do things with. I feel sometimes smothered by other half. I can be mean like saying to them to go to their families house (1 minute walk away) just so I can have some me time but even at that. Do I want my seperate time to be spent on my own.

    If it wasn't for my other half i wouldn't be living here so that's a big signal to me to say if I'm only here for them It won't last.

    We spend so much time there no passion or anything anymore. No passionate kissing, no looking forward to seeing each other. We are together 4 years and it feels 24. And we are young like under 30. Should it be like this?
    • BrassicWoman
    • By BrassicWoman 7th Jan 18, 4:06 PM
    • 1,626 Posts
    • 6,743 Thanks
    BrassicWoman
    We spend so much time there no passion or anything anymore. No passionate kissing, no looking forward to seeing each other. We are together 4 years and it feels 24. And we are young like under 30. Should it be like this?
    Originally posted by frannyj543

    You keep asking the same question is if somehow one of us will come up with a miracle answer.

    3 steps.
    1. Talk
    2. Decide
    3. Implement

    It's that simple. If you don't do 1 you can't do 2. If you have already done 1., then you seem to be avoiding 2., and none of us can do that for you.
    Jan 18 grocery challenge £105.13/ £150
    • frannyj543
    • By frannyj543 7th Jan 18, 4:29 PM
    • 177 Posts
    • 109 Thanks
    frannyj543
    I know they wont but obviously the whole point of a forum is for someone to listen and people to give opinions. Usually based on previous experience or how things have worked out in their lives. Everyone is different but we can learn a lot from other people's mistakes.

    If you dont have much input other than to state the obvious why even comment. It's easy to demonstrate your 3 step approach when you have no connection to the situation.
    • Primrose
    • By Primrose 7th Jan 18, 4:32 PM
    • 8,058 Posts
    • 28,170 Thanks
    Primrose
    You sound as if you have now become good work colleagues rather than two people who love each other and who enjoy being in each other!!!8217;s company.

    Having been married for over 40 years, I still get a feeling of pleasure every time I see my other half walk in through the front door and we still laugh together and enjoy each other!!!8217;s company.

    Of course relationships change subtly over the years but that doesn,t mean the magic and the pleasure of being together disappears.

    I suspect this relationship has run its course and you're trying to convince yourself otherwise because at the moment you can see no other immediate options for yourself. However that doesn,t mean accepting the default option is the right one for you.

    You have posted on this issue sufficient times now for me to feel that you know in your heart that it!!!8217;s not working for you any more as it should be but are looking for others to try and convince you.

    IntuitIve decisions don!!!8217;t work like that. Once the niggling voice of uncertainty starts working itself to the surface I suspect that deep down your decision has already been half made.

    Think about some of the previous big decisions you made in your life. Were they instinctively based on the feeling that they were right for you? Bear in mind that some decisions are easily reversed and rectified if they are wrong. Choosing a life partner does not come into that category.

    If you are having doubts now is the time to address them. Yes, the language problem may improve over time. Your partners closeness to family to the exclusion of other interests almost certainly won!!!8217;t and over time may just isolate you further from extending your social horizons as a couple. If this frustrates you now, how will it affect you 10 or 20 years down the line.
    Last edited by Primrose; 07-01-2018 at 4:34 PM.
    • frannyj543
    • By frannyj543 7th Jan 18, 4:34 PM
    • 177 Posts
    • 109 Thanks
    frannyj543
    Thanks Primrose for your advice!!!
    • Primrose
    • By Primrose 7th Jan 18, 4:49 PM
    • 8,058 Posts
    • 28,170 Thanks
    Primrose
    Advice based on a bitter personal experience in my more youthful days!!.

    I can only advise that when niggling doubts start working their way to the surface it!!!8217;s generally because your intuition and personal self awareness is trying to tell you something.

    Look on it as wild animal would do who has learned through previous experiences that it is dangerous to be in certain situations. They may not necessarily know exactly what the danger is but all their instincts start to gear them to High Alert so in the light of their previous experience they start to tread more warily and less trustingly.

    I suspect you are at that point . It,s just a case of whether you walk knowingly into the trap, hoping it will treat you kindly and not snap your legs off once you!!!8217;re in it and allow you to live some kind of impaired life or whether you recognise the risk and give the trap a wide berth.

    Some traps allow the !!!8220;victim!!!8221; to live an impaired life, but in captivity. Do you have the sort of personality who could live permanently with this option?
    • DCFC79
    • By DCFC79 7th Jan 18, 4:56 PM
    • 31,903 Posts
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    DCFC79
    Im interested in what country your in ?
    Its just me being inquisitive.

    What is it you want to do OP ?

    How does your partner feel about this ? Maybe they feel the same but haven't said anything.
    Last edited by DCFC79; 07-01-2018 at 5:35 PM.
    • Primrose
    • By Primrose 7th Jan 18, 5:01 PM
    • 8,058 Posts
    • 28,170 Thanks
    Primrose
    Well, I guess the partner may be having similar doubts but when your future income stream depends on a personal relationship working or not, its hard to start rocking the boat and easier to hope that things will sort themselves out.
    • frannyj543
    • By frannyj543 7th Jan 18, 5:19 PM
    • 177 Posts
    • 109 Thanks
    frannyj543
    Its I'm Europe but I dont want to say more as I dont want this to identify me completely.

    My other half knows my issues. However thinks we are better here. They have family, friends and culture and knowing everyone and everything. I have a decent business and them.

    My life is good. Better than when i was single? 200%. But how much or how longer we can go on i dont know.
    • BrassicWoman
    • By BrassicWoman 7th Jan 18, 5:29 PM
    • 1,626 Posts
    • 6,743 Thanks
    BrassicWoman
    I know they wont but obviously the whole point of a forum is for someone to listen and people to give opinions. Usually based on previous experience or how things have worked out in their lives. Everyone is different but we can learn a lot from other people's mistakes.

    If you dont have much input other than to state the obvious why even comment. It's easy to demonstrate your 3 step approach when you have no connection to the situation.
    Originally posted by frannyj543

    It's your sixth thread on this topic. How much more experience do you need from others? That seems obvious to me, but somehow not to you - why?

    Time to act.
    Jan 18 grocery challenge £105.13/ £150
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