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  • FIRST POST
    • Mooloo
    • By Mooloo 31st Dec 17, 7:35 PM
    • 10,071Posts
    • 50,127Thanks
    Mooloo
    Mooloo’s Managing it in 2018
    • #1
    • 31st Dec 17, 7:35 PM
    Mooloo’s Managing it in 2018 31st Dec 17 at 7:35 PM
    My previous threads here have been about my struggles etc bringing up my family and now my Granddaughter, building a business on little funds and a lot of faith.
    Titles suggested often are linked to my sewing, but this year I want to be different. No more Struggle!

    This year is all about Managing it!
    Getting on top of the hiccups and the pitfalls.
    Managing to say NO more often.
    Managing to cut my Debts.
    Managing to raise my Income levels.
    Managing to make my Business even better.
    Managing to block time for the things I want to do.
    Managing to create a better home life.
    Managing to raise above the fire fighting and being ready to tackle issues before the fire.

    So here is the start.
    I am due to go out celebrating the New Year this evening with my BF, and Welcome Home my DGD tomorrow.
    I will expand on my goals and plans over the next few days, and follow through the next 12 months.
    See you along the way.
    Without my fellow MSE!!!8217;ers I probably would have had a much tougher ride than I had.

    This Forum tip was included in MoneySavingExpert.com's weekly email!
    Last edited by MSE Andrea; 08-05-2018 at 10:27 AM.
    When I die I will know that I have lived, loved, mattered and made a difference, even if in a small way.
Page 72
    • Mooloo
    • By Mooloo 26th Sep 18, 7:44 AM
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    Mooloo
    I think they are already under!
    The biggest argument is that when DS left her the other year, and I paid off the rent arrears then!, his name was supposed to come off of the claim. Housing appear to have argued that he was still living there so her claim was wrong etc. Dispite DS having his own flat in house with his job.
    But as he moved back in with her they are disputing that he ever left. Being as they live in chaos the wage slips seem to have got lost.
    Bad organisation on the DS and gf part has meant letters not opened, dead lines missed. Non cooperation from gf to anyone and DS name was still on all her bills despite Biggest and I helpings him to contact everyone to get his name removed. All appear to be denying we did call them.
    Unfortunately I don't have a record of my calls etc when we did.

    It needs a gather everything together. Every debt. Every bank statement and every wage slip. It needs an SOA immediately.
    It then needs a debt plan.
    Personally I think Bankruptcy might have to be an option. But I am no specialist debt guidance services. I am just a frustrated Mum who is stuck between a rock and a hard place trying to get two dis functional young adults to face the music own up to being in too deep. And be willing to deal with it. But as their relationship is on and off, as the girl's family is not willing to help her in any way other than in front of the social pretend to support her, and Now I am not so willing to accept her. I am not sure what exactly to do next
    When I die I will know that I have lived, loved, mattered and made a difference, even if in a small way.
    • annandale
    • By annandale 26th Sep 18, 11:54 AM
    • 1,233 Posts
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    annandale
    Ask him to ask his ex employer for a letter saying that he lived in when he had the job. That should be easily enough done.

    Ask them to ask their ex employers and current for copies of payslips. If they can't provide that they should be able to get a statement with the relevant information on it.

    Ask them to phone cab. There are other options before bankruptcy I'm sure.
    • annandale
    • By annandale 26th Sep 18, 3:08 PM
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    annandale
    The biggest argument is that when DS left her the other year, and I paid off the rent arrears then!, his name was supposed to come off of the claim. Housing appear to have argued that he was still living there so her claim was wrong etc. Dispite DS having his own flat in house with his job.
    But as he moved back in with her they are disputing that he ever left. Being as they live in chaos the wage slips seem to have got lost.
    This has been going on for a year. Your son has had a year to phone up and ask for pay slips, a year to phone up and ask for a letter stating that he had a live in job. He obviously has skills as he can hold down a job, why can't he make a phone call to an employer or ex employer asking for duplicate pay slips or a record of money earned in the time he was needing to sort this HB matter out.

    Bad organisation on the DS and gf part has meant letters not opened, dead lines missed. Non cooperation from gf to anyone and DS name was still on all her bills despite Biggest and I helpings him to contact everyone to get his name removed. All appear to be denying we did call them.
    Unfortunately I don't have a record of my calls etc when we did.
    Worse than bad organisation I think. The companies should have a record of the calls, most calls are recorded for training purposes.

    It needs a gather everything together. Every debt. Every bank statement and every wage slip. It needs an SOA immediately.
    It then needs a debt plan.
    Personally I think Bankruptcy might have to be an option. But I am no specialist debt guidance services. I am just a frustrated Mum who is stuck between a rock and a hard place trying to get two dis functional young adults to face the music own up to being in too deep. And be willing to deal with it. But as their relationship is on and off, as the girl's family is not willing to help her in any way other than in front of the social pretend to support her, and Now I am not so willing to accept her. I am not sure what exactly to do next
    They have the skills to hold down a job. They have phones. It takes two minutes to take a photo of your wage slip on your phone and email it to housing benefit

    Do you think they actually understand the financial mess they are in and what the consequences could be for them?

    You aren't stuck between a rock and a hard place. This is awful because its your son and you love him and the kids, I get that. But the more you clear up after them by paying their debts off the less likely they are ever to want to get themselves out of this financial mess.
    • Brighton belle
    • By Brighton belle 26th Sep 18, 4:02 PM
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    Brighton belle
    The trouble is annandale, Mooloo's DS is dyslexic so this makes organizing and planning very difficult for him. I know this sounds a convenient excuse but it really is difficult for him.
    I work with clients who appear bright and able but phone calls and planning are an enormous challenge. They manage to hold down jobs but their home life is chaotic and it's not for want of trying.

    I'm not making excuses for all the other extremely poor choices he has made, nor how treats mooloo but just wanted to say that what to you and me appears a simple phone call, or sending off a pay slip every week is a big black mountain to some
    I try to take one day at a time, but sometimes several days attack me at once
    • Mooloo
    • By Mooloo 26th Sep 18, 4:25 PM
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    • 50,127 Thanks
    Mooloo
    The trouble is annandale, Mooloo's DS is dyslexic so this makes organizing and planning very difficult for him. I know this sounds a convenient excuse but it really is difficult for him.
    I work with clients who appear bright and able but phone calls and planning are an enormous challenge. They manage to hold down jobs but their home life is chaotic and it's not for want of trying.

    I'm not making excuses for all the other extremely poor choices he has made, nor how treats mooloo but just wanted to say that what to you and me appears a simple phone call, or sending off a pay slip every week is a big black mountain to some
    Originally posted by Brighton belle
    Exactly. Phone calls, letters, reading writing all Mountains.
    Pour a pint of beer, smile at a customer. No problem.
    But he learned pub work in my Pub from a very early age. He earned his pocket money helping in the cellar and cleaning pipes. Not a piece of paper in sight.
    When I die I will know that I have lived, loved, mattered and made a difference, even if in a small way.
    • annandale
    • By annandale 26th Sep 18, 5:45 PM
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    annandale
    Understand. But if that is an issue surely someone should be able to help him with this. Don't mean mooloo particularly. If it's the difference between him keeping the roof over his head or not.

    Does the girlfriend have similar issues with reading and writing or is she just chaotic in the way she lives?

    I worked with people with chaotic lifestyles for a long time. I know it's not easy.
    • Mooloo
    • By Mooloo 26th Sep 18, 8:37 PM
    • 10,071 Posts
    • 50,127 Thanks
    Mooloo
    I try. I try! But he misses appointments. Looses track of time. Looses his driving license and bank cards, passport and birth certificate.
    He is only marginally better than her!

    I am fed up of trying today. I have a sore throat and have come to bed.
    Luckily it came on after all my running around today.
    Just hope Mum doesn't get it from me as I was with her from 11 till 3.45!

    Now twin 2 is asking for a loan to get her to an appointment tomorrow.

    Now who can I ask for £20 ????? Mmmmmm let me see?
    Erm..... erm ..... nope! Nobody.
    Better do more overtime this week and see if I can make a few things to sell on the Internet then!

    Meanwhile I am going to sleep as I feel a little rough.
    When I die I will know that I have lived, loved, mattered and made a difference, even if in a small way.
    • annandale
    • By annandale 26th Sep 18, 10:30 PM
    • 1,233 Posts
    • 2,833 Thanks
    annandale
    Now twin 2 is asking for a loan to get her to an appointment tomorrow.
    If you say no she will have to ask someone else. Feel better soon
    • dreaming
    • By dreaming 27th Sep 18, 11:20 AM
    • 703 Posts
    • 3,333 Thanks
    dreaming
    I try. I try! But he misses appointments. Looses track of time. Looses his driving license and bank cards, passport and birth certificate.
    He is only marginally better than her!
    h
    Originally posted by Mooloo
    Hope you feel a little better today. I sympathise with you over disorganised kids, as my eldest and partner (both ASD) are just the same. They are always "forgetting" appointments. I keep telling them to set up reminders on their computers as that is how they spend most of their time. However, eldest is very careful with money, which is good as they lost their PIP and Carer's allowance (partner is in wheelchair) due to missing thir review meeting. New meeting should have happened this week so I just hope they made that one. Her partner can't budget at all and is talking about getting a 72inch tv (for their 12ftX10ft living room which already has 2 computer stations set up!) but eldest is having none of it. I have spent the last 4 years (when eldest lived with me) trying to get her more organised but now they have moved out have taken a step back (well several steps probably) to try to preserve my sanity and our relationship, but it's really hard. I, and they, get no help from my exH (eldest's father) despite me, at times, ringing him and virtually begging on my knees for some help. I also know how difficult it is to get help from official sources.
    I am in the same county as you and am extremely worried about how the cutbacks could affect people in eldest's position (a scenario which seems to be spreading across the counrty) as we (they) were passed back and forth between various departments (housing/adult social services/health services) for several months, although it seems to be resolved for now and they have a council place of their own suitable for the wheelchair.
    Looking at your situation I can see how advice for you to "step back" is well meant, and probably would be the best thing for all of you. Having been in the midst of a similar situation though, I am pretty sure I would be doing what you are and trying everything in my power to help everyone. It looks totally different when you are on the inside of a hellish situation rather than on the outside looking in.
    Best wishes to you all.
    • annandale
    • By annandale 27th Sep 18, 11:47 AM
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    • 2,833 Thanks
    annandale
    Mooloo is giving them money. Money that she doesn't have to spare. This won't sort the arrears. Her son used a card of hers and ran up 180 pounds worth of debt on it.

    She has given out a lot of money to her kids over the years and she's done it for the best reasons but they probably see her as the go to person when they have messed up and they need bailing out

    Her kids are in their mid to late 20s and I understand the reasons for her being the go to person but it is unfair.

    The money she gives them is money she should be drawing for herself in wages. They are eating into her business profits.

    Posters have been gently advising her for some time on here to say no. It would certainly be the best outcome for her.
    • Redlady.....
    • By Redlady..... 27th Sep 18, 2:13 PM
    • 81 Posts
    • 577 Thanks
    Redlady.....
    annandale.... Did you not read Dreamings wonderful explanatory post above?
    Mooloo has 3 children with mental health issues, it must be so hard to deal with, and even harder to ignore.

    Do you have any family members in this position? If yes, do you deal with them in the way you suggest Mooloo does?
    • annandale
    • By annandale 27th Sep 18, 3:16 PM
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    annandale
    I had a relative with mental health issues who killed themselves. That impacted our lives until the day he died (or when the body was found).

    So yes. I do have some awareness of how mental health issues can affect a family. I've also worked with many people who live chaotic lives and I suffer from anxiety myself.

    I'm not sure what the mental heath status of mooloos 3 kids are and I wouldn't like to presume.

    My view and I stand by this. Is that someone (doesn't need to be mooloo) needs to try and sort the hb arrears out. Get copies of payslips. Get a letter from the ex employer saying that her son lived there.

    That might be a start in sorting the arrears out which might give the son and the partner some wriggle room with their money.

    I'm not the only person over the course of the threads over the years who has suggested that mooloo close her purse. She's said it herself. She said it in the opening post.

    The money that she's giving out, she can't afford to lose it. Shes previously posted that her pension pot has taken a hammering and that's due to how much she's had to give out over the years.

    As mooloo will know better than anyone on here. This won't be the last time her family need money.

    She is possibly right that bankruptcy or an iva might be their only course of action.

    Mooloo is also in the position that she may have to take on the kids. This isn't just impacting on mooloo. It's impacting on the kids. Her son and gf. So surely it's best that their finances get sorted out sooner rather than later.

    I think mooloo is great. But I also think her kids can't keep asking. Because it sounds like in her sons case at least, him and the gf have so much debt that a couple of hundred pounds here and there isn't going to sort it
    • annandale
    • By annandale 27th Sep 18, 3:24 PM
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    • 2,833 Thanks
    annandale
    How much of this money does mooloo ever see back? She's a mum who looks after her granddaughter as well. The loss of this cash impacts on her life. It impacts on her granddaughters life. And it impacts on mooloos pension in retirement as well. Plus the holiday home that she wants.

    As someone else said mooloos kids have two parents. The dad won't be giving out what mooloo does. Hasn't over the years. I'd be very surprised if he did.

    And the gf has parents as well. Who aren't subbing them. Just mooloo. Terribly unfair.
    • dreaming
    • By dreaming 27th Sep 18, 5:40 PM
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    • 3,333 Thanks
    dreaming

    My view and I stand by this. Is that someone (doesn't need to be mooloo) needs to try and sort the hb arrears out. Get copies of payslips. Get a letter from the ex employer saying that her son lived there.


    Mooloo is also in the position that she may have to take on the kids. This isn't just impacting on mooloo. It's impacting on the kids. Her son and gf. So surely it's best that their finances get sorted out sooner rather than later.

    I think mooloo is great. But I also think her kids can't keep asking. Because it sounds like in her sons case at least, him and the gf have so much debt that a couple of hundred pounds here and there isn't going to sort it
    Originally posted by annandale

    As someone else said mooloos kids have two parents. The dad won't be giving out what mooloo does. Hasn't over the years. I'd be very surprised if he did.

    And the gf has parents as well. Who aren't subbing them. Just mooloo. Terribly unfair.
    Originally posted by annandale
    Actually Annadale, I totally agree with you that it IS unfair that Mooloo has to bear the brunt of helping her son, and "someone" needs to try to sort the HB arrears etc. However, I think that Mooloo has found (as I did) that there isn't anyone else who is going to step up and help (I know Biggest did what she could when she could but obviously can't help now).
    Until my eldest's life unravelled 4 years ago I believed that there was help available for those in desperate need, and whilst I was initially happy to house her it was under the illusion that such help would be there to help her get back on her feet. I soon found out that there is very little help at all, and believe me I tried every avenue I could - spending hours on the internet, ringing people, writing letters, and usually being referred back to the beginning. At the same time trying to encourage eldest (who was considering suicide at that point), getting medical/psychological help and driving to appointments etc. Finally, last year the diagnosis of ASD was made (so 3 years from initial breakdown). In all that time the only financial help was eldest was put on minimum JSA (even though she was unable to work due to mental state but was not approved for ESA). I am retired, and although fortunate to own my own house my income is limited. Her father (my exH who is still working) visited us 2 or 3 times in the 4 years, always telling us how much he would like to help but he had no spare money (although managed to go on hoilday a couple of times in the period, and bought himself new computer and music instruments) but would always tell us to keep our chins up and he was thinking of us. That wasn't much help in our darkest times I have to say. When eldest moved in with new partner (against my advice as I could see the financial situation of partner was precarious) I had a few brief weeks of relative peace until they were evicted (partly because partner's ESA had been messed up, although also partly through her lack of budgetting skills) they had to move in with me because the council said they weren't priority, and even if they were, there were no wheelchair-suitable properties available. So it began again - the ringing people, writing letters (to official and voluntary bodies and councillors and MPs), waiting for appointments and being referred to somewhere else just to be referred back again, providing endless amounts of documentation (which the council kept losing). Everyone I spoke to couldn't believe there was not help available for them and that they would really be on the streets if they weren't with me - but they would have been. They finally were given some help after CAB lawyer showed the council were in breach of their statutory duties, and I had to write a letter to council to say I was evicting them (even then the council visited me to ask why they couldn't stay - these aren't "young" adults by the way as both are over 30). It has taken me the best part of the summer to recover some sort of equilibrium in my life but my belief in any official help being readily available has been shattered. Yes, my child has 2 parents, as does partner, but what do you do if 3 of the 4 aren't able, or willing, to help
    That's why I understand that although Mooloo has been advised (and knows herself anyway) that she "shouldn't" be having to do what she does for any of her children, I also know that she probably feels as I did - that she has no choice.
    Sorry Mooloo - don't want to take over your thread. Just want you to know that people do understand why you do what you do - even though it seems to go against all logic.
    Take care.
    • annandale
    • By annandale 27th Sep 18, 6:26 PM
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    annandale
    I think the very bottom line is that mooloo has spent thousands of pounds of her own money that she can ill afford helping her kids out over the years.

    While other people have sat back and let her.

    I have mental health issues. Mental health issues on their own doesn't mean that someone can't cope with finances.

    Everyone is different and some people have complex issues

    But mooloo in my view should not be having to prop up 3 adult kids in their mid to late 20s when she does not have the spare cash and that she has other responsibilities with her granddaughter. And the fact that her son and his gf are going to have to sort their lives out to get their kids back.

    She should not, at this stage in her life be propping up her adult family.
    • Brighton belle
    • By Brighton belle 27th Sep 18, 6:33 PM
    • 5,126 Posts
    • 25,267 Thanks
    Brighton belle
    Mooloo has 3 children with mental health issues, i
    Originally posted by Redlady.....
    I'm not sure that 'mental health issues' is the correct terminology. The adult twins issues are due to learning difficulties and DS has severe dyslexia.
    Of course they have all experienced the inertia of depression due to the chaotic mess of their lives but that is not the overriding cause of their problems, just a result of them.
    Thank you for your input Dreaming - I found it very helpful.

    I hope you are felling a little better today mooloo.
    Last edited by Brighton belle; 27-09-2018 at 6:35 PM.
    I try to take one day at a time, but sometimes several days attack me at once
    • dreaming
    • By dreaming 27th Sep 18, 7:19 PM
    • 703 Posts
    • 3,333 Thanks
    dreaming
    I think the very bottom line is that mooloo has spent thousands of pounds of her own money that she can ill afford helping her kids out over the years.

    While other people have sat back and let her.

    I have mental health issues. Mental health issues on their own doesn't mean that someone can't cope with finances.

    Everyone is different and some people have complex issues

    But mooloo in my view should not be having to prop up 3 adult kids in their mid to late 20s when she does not have the spare cash and that she has other responsibilities with her granddaughter. And the fact that her son and his gf are going to have to sort their lives out to get their kids back.

    She should not, at this stage in her life be propping up her adult family.
    Originally posted by annandale
    Totally agree with all of this, as would the majority who read this thread. As I said, my eldest is extremely good with money despite (or because of) ASD - partner (also ASD + physical disabilities) is not, so definitely having this diagnosis (or others) does not, on its own, preclude people from managing finances.

    I also agree that Mooloo definitely should not be propping up her adult family. However so many people do, including those adult children who do not have problems other than the rising cost of living versus minimum wage/zero hours contracts (very few well-paid permanent jobs available in some areas).

    So knowing that most of us here agree with you, what can you practically suggest she can do about this? I know from reading Mooloo's diaries (I am only a recent poster but have read for a few years) that she has a great deal of experience of the vagaries of the benefits/social service system so I am sure she has tried, and encouraged her kids to try, to engage with them. She also has some fairly expert people who have posted on here with advice (and have also contacted her privately). But after all that she is still in the position she is in. In an ideal world there would be all sorts of offical help available, and in this ideal world the children's father would automatically step in and do as much as Mooloo is doing to help. Sadly that ideal world doesn't exist, and as much as I, you, or anyone else, rail against it, Mooloo has to deal with the situation as it is - not as it should be.

    No more posting from me tonight (who said hooray? lol) as thinking about this has dredged up all the feelings of despair and anger that I felt when I was in the midst turmoil.
    • Feral Moon
    • By Feral Moon 27th Sep 18, 8:32 PM
    • 2,829 Posts
    • 4,435 Thanks
    Feral Moon
    Thank you so much for posting your experiences dreaming, it certainly helps to show those who have never had to deal with a situation like this, how difficult it is, but primarily how little support and professional help is available. I've also spent the past 12 years dealing with a similar situation with my eldest, who is now in his thirties and has significant MH problems and huge debts as he can't budget properly.

    I'm so sorry that putting your story out here has triggered all those feelings of despair. Despite trying to lock it all away and move on, it never truly goes away. You've been very brave in posting here tonight and I hope you've got somebody at home with you right now to support you. Tajes care xx
    • Mooloo
    • By Mooloo 28th Sep 18, 2:14 AM
    • 10,071 Posts
    • 50,127 Thanks
    Mooloo
    Actually Annadale, I totally agree with you that it IS unfair that Mooloo has to bear the brunt of helping her son, and "someone" needs to try to sort the HB arrears etc. However, I think that Mooloo has found (as I did) that there isn't anyone else who is going to step up and help (I know Biggest did what she could when she could but obviously can't help now).
    Until my eldest's life unravelled 4 years ago I believed that there was help available for those in desperate need, and whilst I was initially happy to house her it was under the illusion that such help would be there to help her get back on her feet. I soon found out that there is very little help at all, and believe me I tried every avenue I could - spending hours on the internet, ringing people, writing letters, and usually being referred back to the beginning. At the same time trying to encourage eldest (who was considering suicide at that point), getting medical/psychological help and driving to appointments etc. Finally, last year the diagnosis of ASD was made (so 3 years from initial breakdown). In all that time the only financial help was eldest was put on minimum JSA (even though she was unable to work due to mental state but was not approved for ESA). I am retired, and although fortunate to own my own house my income is limited. Her father (my exH who is still working) visited us 2 or 3 times in the 4 years, always telling us how much he would like to help but he had no spare money (although managed to go on hoilday a couple of times in the period, and bought himself new computer and music instruments) but would always tell us to keep our chins up and he was thinking of us. That wasn't much help in our darkest times I have to say. When eldest moved in with new partner (against my advice as I could see the financial situation of partner was precarious) I had a few brief weeks of relative peace until they were evicted (partly because partner's ESA had been messed up, although also partly through her lack of budgetting skills) they had to move in with me because the council said they weren't priority, and even if they were, there were no wheelchair-suitable properties available. So it began again - the ringing people, writing letters (to official and voluntary bodies and councillors and MPs), waiting for appointments and being referred to somewhere else just to be referred back again, providing endless amounts of documentation (which the council kept losing). Everyone I spoke to couldn't believe there was not help available for them and that they would really be on the streets if they weren't with me - but they would have been. They finally were given some help after CAB lawyer showed the council were in breach of their statutory duties, and I had to write a letter to council to say I was evicting them (even then the council visited me to ask why they couldn't stay - these aren't "young" adults by the way as both are over 30). It has taken me the best part of the summer to recover some sort of equilibrium in my life but my belief in any official help being readily available has been shattered. Yes, my child has 2 parents, as does partner, but what do you do if 3 of the 4 aren't able, or willing, to help
    That's why I understand that although Mooloo has been advised (and knows herself anyway) that she "shouldn't" be having to do what she does for any of her children, I also know that she probably feels as I did - that she has no choice.
    Sorry Mooloo - don't want to take over your thread. Just want you to know that people do understand why you do what you do - even though it seems to go against all logic.
    Take care.
    Originally posted by dreaming
    So totally get you!
    Don't apologise
    Last edited by Mooloo; 28-09-2018 at 2:20 AM.
    When I die I will know that I have lived, loved, mattered and made a difference, even if in a small way.
    • Mooloo
    • By Mooloo 28th Sep 18, 2:15 AM
    • 10,071 Posts
    • 50,127 Thanks
    Mooloo
    If you say no she will have to ask someone else. Feel better soon
    Originally posted by annandale
    There is no one else except loan sharks
    When I die I will know that I have lived, loved, mattered and made a difference, even if in a small way.
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