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  • FIRST POST
    • Mooloo
    • By Mooloo 31st Dec 17, 7:35 PM
    • 10,063Posts
    • 50,070Thanks
    Mooloo
    Mooloo’s Managing it in 2018
    • #1
    • 31st Dec 17, 7:35 PM
    Mooloo’s Managing it in 2018 31st Dec 17 at 7:35 PM
    My previous threads here have been about my struggles etc bringing up my family and now my Granddaughter, building a business on little funds and a lot of faith.
    Titles suggested often are linked to my sewing, but this year I want to be different. No more Struggle!

    This year is all about Managing it!
    Getting on top of the hiccups and the pitfalls.
    Managing to say NO more often.
    Managing to cut my Debts.
    Managing to raise my Income levels.
    Managing to make my Business even better.
    Managing to block time for the things I want to do.
    Managing to create a better home life.
    Managing to raise above the fire fighting and being ready to tackle issues before the fire.

    So here is the start.
    I am due to go out celebrating the New Year this evening with my BF, and Welcome Home my DGD tomorrow.
    I will expand on my goals and plans over the next few days, and follow through the next 12 months.
    See you along the way.
    Without my fellow MSE!!!8217;ers I probably would have had a much tougher ride than I had.

    This Forum tip was included in MoneySavingExpert.com's weekly email!
    Last edited by MSE Andrea; 08-05-2018 at 10:27 AM.
    When I die I will know that I have lived, loved, mattered and made a difference, even if in a small way.
Page 71
    • annandale
    • By annandale 25th Sep 18, 12:08 PM
    • 1,233 Posts
    • 2,831 Thanks
    annandale
    So he's been using your bpay card to put fuel in his car and taxi his gf to and from work?
    • thorsoak
    • By thorsoak 25th Sep 18, 1:17 PM
    • 5,764 Posts
    • 26,623 Thanks
    thorsoak
    Mooloo - whilst you are funding his "taxi service" you are allowing him to bring GF back into your home - which should be your sanctuary. I agree with the others (and yes, we ARE ganging up on you in this respect) - he has absolutely NO respect for you, your home let alone your finances.

    He has got to learn that the Bank of Mum is dead - no more financing of ANYTHING.

    I do appreciate that part of you feels that you let him down as a teenager when you were chasing after the twins, but you have given him so many opportunities and none of them has he really taken up - honestly the time has come to cut the umbilical cord and tip him out of the nest. I know that you worry about his children - but they are HIS children - not yours.

    Remember the adage - not your circus, not your monkeys.

    I say all this with genuine regret and affection for you - but you do have to say enough is enough. x
    • tooldle
    • By tooldle 25th Sep 18, 2:09 PM
    • 295 Posts
    • 495 Thanks
    tooldle
    Can i recommend that you read about "The Drama Triangle". This is a model developed years ago, which commonly plays out in families and workplaces. You might find this information helpful should you wish to close down some situations.
    I came across the model in workplace training, and have found it very helpful over the years in not only seeing a situation for what it is, but in also enabling myself to step out of the situation.
    • Chrystal
    • By Chrystal 25th Sep 18, 2:42 PM
    • 508 Posts
    • 3,320 Thanks
    Chrystal
    Can i recommend that you read about "The Drama Triangle". This is a model developed years ago, which commonly plays out in families and workplaces. You might find this information helpful should you wish to close down some situations.
    I came across the model in workplace training, and have found it very helpful over the years in not only seeing a situation for what it is, but in also enabling myself to step out of the situation.
    Originally posted by tooldle
    Oh WOW! Why have I never heard/seem this before now..... and it's scarily true
    I Believe.....
    That it isn't always enough, to be forgiven by others.
    Sometimes, you have to learn to forgive yourself.
    • annandale
    • By annandale 25th Sep 18, 3:30 PM
    • 1,233 Posts
    • 2,831 Thanks
    annandale
    25th Sep 18, 12:17 PM
    Mooloo - whilst you are funding his "taxi service" you are allowing him to bring GF back into your home - which should be your sanctuary. I agree with the others (and yes, we ARE ganging up on you in this respect) - he has absolutely NO respect for you, your home let alone your finances.

    He has got to learn that the Bank of Mum is dead - no more financing of ANYTHING.

    I do appreciate that part of you feels that you let him down as a teenager when you were chasing after the twins, but you have given him so many opportunities and none of them has he really taken up - honestly the time has come to cut the umbilical cord and tip him out of the nest. I know that you worry about his children - but they are HIS children - not yours.

    Remember the adage - not your circus, not your monkeys.

    I say all this with genuine regret and affection for you - but you do have to say enough is enough. x
    You do a great job Mooloo and I have the utmost admiration for you (not sure if she will see this as Im not sure if Im one of the posters that she put on ignore earlier in the thread)

    But one of your posts in the first page was about learning to say no more often. I know it is hard to do, particularly when he seems to have such a dysfunctional relationship, particularly when there is all the stuff going on with the kids just now. But if someone spent 180 quid on a card of mine when I didn't have much I would be absolutely raging.

    The only way your son and GF are going to learn how to manage their finances is the hard way, when you close your purse and you close it for good.

    You can do all the manifesting you like and positive thinking about getting your dreams to come to fruition about buying a place in the sun. That is not going to happen if you are having to bail out your kids time after time.

    Close the purse and keep it closed. They need to learn that to keep the roof over their heads they need to prioritise bills first, rent first.

    I have in my professional life in the past worked with many young people who struggled to deal with budgeting and the basics of running a home. The majority of them at some stage managed it, when they moved into a place of their own, if not at the first attempt at some point they got there.

    He is in a dysfunctional relationship yes but if she is treating him this poorly then he needs to think about having the strength to leave and he also needs to take some responsibility and start acting like an adult. He has responsibilities, its a serious situation for him and her just now as you know very well
    • annandale
    • By annandale 25th Sep 18, 4:01 PM
    • 1,233 Posts
    • 2,831 Thanks
    annandale
    Right now I think both DS and his gf are manipulating Mooloo. I understand that it can be very hard to leave an abusive relationship, but he has been described as beaten, worried, exhausted and worn down in previous posts. And now hes bringing her into your home behind your back and ferrying her around in his car with your money. Your wages, that you knock yourself out to earn and you are now in overdraft, that is taking the absolute !!!!

    They are both taking the mick. I would be getting them to contact their MP or councillor about the house issue if they haven't. Id also seriously consider getting my locks changed and taking his key from him after you gave him a set time to find somewhere else to live.

    I'm the kind of person who will always give people a chance. I get that this must be a really difficult situation for you to be in.

    But I seriously think you need to consider closing your purse for good and telling him to make arrangements to live elsewhere.
    • Toomuchdebt
    • By Toomuchdebt 25th Sep 18, 4:25 PM
    • 1,864 Posts
    • 3,139 Thanks
    Toomuchdebt
    I'm not going to repeat myself because it's starting to feel like deja vu...but please do take into account all the other posters. Wishing you all the best.
    Debts Jan 2014 £20,108.34

    Debts Feb 2018 £6829.63

    EF #70 £0/£1000
    • beanielou
    • By beanielou 25th Sep 18, 4:59 PM
    • 57,965 Posts
    • 238,408 Thanks
    beanielou
    I really do think you have to say that enough is enough.
    If my DS did that to me, however much I love him, he would not get a second chance to do it.
    Lou~ Debt free Wanabe No 55 DF 03/03/14.
    **Credit card debt free 30/06/10~** **Weight loss 2 stone 12 lbs **

    "A large income is the best recipe for happiness I ever heard of" Jane Austen in Mansfield Park.
    ***Fall down seven times,stand up eight*** ~~Japanese proverb.
    It starts with you, it starts from now. *** It is ok to be me.***
    ***Keep plodding***
    Out of debt, out of danger. MFW 2018. No 144
    • Mooloo
    • By Mooloo 25th Sep 18, 6:05 PM
    • 10,063 Posts
    • 50,070 Thanks
    Mooloo
    I know!
    My heart takes over from my head. I am my own worst enemy.
    I am hanging on to see what the next LAC review is saying in a few days time, then I hope the housing issues will be tackled. I also am going to try again to get him to understand that he has exhausted me over all of this.
    My dreams are as you say, lost at the moment and no matter how hard I work it all goes else where!
    I am going to try and get him to go back to the council debt people to see if they can help.
    I have stopped the card.
    I expect to see some money on the table on Sunday when he next gets a payment and I will be asking for it. Also I will be able to make better decisions after I know what Social are doing. As I will know soon whether I am having the children or not if they fail to get them back.
    When I die I will know that I have lived, loved, mattered and made a difference, even if in a small way.
    • annandale
    • By annandale 25th Sep 18, 7:39 PM
    • 1,233 Posts
    • 2,831 Thanks
    annandale
    My dreams are as you say, lost at the moment and no matter how hard I work it all goes else where!
    If you didn't live in England they would cope, they would have to.

    Why is it you that is always asked for cash, why isn't her family helping to prop them up
    • thorsoak
    • By thorsoak 25th Sep 18, 8:20 PM
    • 5,764 Posts
    • 26,623 Thanks
    thorsoak
    Could not DS's father also be asked to help? He has two parents, she has two.
    • annandale
    • By annandale 25th Sep 18, 8:31 PM
    • 1,233 Posts
    • 2,831 Thanks
    annandale
    The housing issues have been going on for some time. They need to be proactive and do something about this. I do not believe that its ok for the housing and the police just to wash their hands of this situation and tell them nothing can be done.

    Sorry Mooloo this may sound very hard hearted, but if I were you I would be asking for the 180 quid to be repaid to you and the rent they owe you to be repaid to you.

    Please do not just write this money off.

    If you have paid their rent for the last two months and he has taken this money from your card we are talking about the best part of 800-1000 pounds yes?
    • thorsoak
    • By thorsoak 25th Sep 18, 9:14 PM
    • 5,764 Posts
    • 26,623 Thanks
    thorsoak
    Had you looked at the situation from this perspective Mooloo? By paying their rent/giving them money for food/buying food for them/petrol etc you have been freeing up money to buy drugs from the family from hell that has caused your family so much grief? Hopefully they both are still going along the drug-free path - I should imagine that they are being drug-tested on a regular basis if there is any chance of them having their sons returned to them - but that thought would sicken me so much were I in your shoes.
    • annandale
    • By annandale 25th Sep 18, 9:31 PM
    • 1,233 Posts
    • 2,831 Thanks
    annandale
    I would also be asking your son to let you have a look at his bank statement to see where his money is going, I dont mean to account for every single last penny to you, but surely if they are both in work they should have enough to live on (I appreciate a lot of people struggle on part time and insecure work)

    Do you know what their outgoings are, whether they have debt? Why they seem to be leaking money and are having to borrow from you, what exactly is the issue?
    • Chrystal
    • By Chrystal 25th Sep 18, 9:34 PM
    • 508 Posts
    • 3,320 Thanks
    Chrystal
    I know!
    My heart takes over from my head. I am my own worst enemy.
    I am hanging on to see what the next LAC review is saying in a few days time, then I hope the housing issues will be tackled. I also am going to try again to get him to understand that he has exhausted me over all of this.
    My dreams are as you say, lost at the moment and no matter how hard I work it all goes else where!
    I am going to try and get him to go back to the council debt people to see if they can help.
    I have stopped the card.
    I expect to see some money on the table on Sunday when he next gets a payment and I will be asking for it. Also I will be able to make better decisions after I know what Social are doing. As I will know soon whether I am having the children or not if they fail to get them back.
    Originally posted by Mooloo
    So you are prepared to give up the next 20 years of your life - and longer if they have more children (because presumably you would also take any more that come along?)
    I don't know what I'd do in your situation with the little ones, but I do know what I'd do with your son, because I did it with mine. Small amount of money 'appropriated' but the loss of trust broke my heart and I told him to leave there and then and not come back until he was 'clean'
    It broke my heart but I stuck to my guns and it worked.
    You really need to look at what you are enabling here, and see it as it really is. Make yourself a doormat and people wipe their feet on you.

    I truly hope that you can find your way out of this mess. X
    I Believe.....
    That it isn't always enough, to be forgiven by others.
    Sometimes, you have to learn to forgive yourself.
    • beanielou
    • By beanielou 25th Sep 18, 9:48 PM
    • 57,965 Posts
    • 238,408 Thanks
    beanielou
    I would also be asking your son to let you have a look at his bank statement to see where his money is going, I dont mean to account for every single last penny to you, but surely if they are both in work they should have enough to live on (I appreciate a lot of people struggle on part time and insecure work)

    Do you know what their outgoings are, whether they have debt? Why they seem to be leaking money and are having to borrow from you, what exactly is the issue?
    Originally posted by annandale
    I really dont think you can ask an adult to see their bank statments.
    Lou~ Debt free Wanabe No 55 DF 03/03/14.
    **Credit card debt free 30/06/10~** **Weight loss 2 stone 12 lbs **

    "A large income is the best recipe for happiness I ever heard of" Jane Austen in Mansfield Park.
    ***Fall down seven times,stand up eight*** ~~Japanese proverb.
    It starts with you, it starts from now. *** It is ok to be me.***
    ***Keep plodding***
    Out of debt, out of danger. MFW 2018. No 144
    • Mooloo
    • By Mooloo 25th Sep 18, 10:02 PM
    • 10,063 Posts
    • 50,070 Thanks
    Mooloo
    He is clean.
    He learned that lesson.
    He only had 10 hours work last week, at minimum wage.
    Doesn't even cover the car insurance.
    She's taken a new job but has to wait a month for her first wage.
    They owe thousands to housing benefits because of a dispute over the claims. It's being taken as an attachment of earnings leaving very little. I believe that she has run up debts everywhere and is juggling peter to pay Paul. I don't have the exact figures - not lately anyway.

    I have told him he has to show me the bank things this week.

    I have told him they have to reclaim housing benefits and produce the payslips every week it changes and let housing benefits work it out. (Minus debts!) I have banged on about disputing the council's decision as if you remember they tried to charge me thousands a few years ago and I successfully reduced it.
    But they are not dealing with it.

    I have managed to find a different shed for dgd which should be here on Thursday. So I am thrilled as it is similar in size and £345 cheaper.
    Dgd May get her "studio" yet.

    I will get there. Somehow.

    If I have to change my life and my dreams I will be doing it for myself not for them. For my boys. DS will have to fend for him self if he stays with her. He won't be able to stay here if they are.

    We will cross that bridge when we come to it.
    When I die I will know that I have lived, loved, mattered and made a difference, even if in a small way.
    • beanielou
    • By beanielou 25th Sep 18, 10:06 PM
    • 57,965 Posts
    • 238,408 Thanks
    beanielou
    Good news on the shed.
    Lou~ Debt free Wanabe No 55 DF 03/03/14.
    **Credit card debt free 30/06/10~** **Weight loss 2 stone 12 lbs **

    "A large income is the best recipe for happiness I ever heard of" Jane Austen in Mansfield Park.
    ***Fall down seven times,stand up eight*** ~~Japanese proverb.
    It starts with you, it starts from now. *** It is ok to be me.***
    ***Keep plodding***
    Out of debt, out of danger. MFW 2018. No 144
    • annandale
    • By annandale 25th Sep 18, 10:20 PM
    • 1,233 Posts
    • 2,831 Thanks
    annandale
    I really dont think you can ask an adult to see their bank statments.
    But Mooloo is expected to bail them out when they spend all of their money? If I needed budgeting help which they clearly do I would happily let someone have a look at my bank statement.

    He only had 10 hours work last week, at minimum wage.
    Doesn't even cover the car insurance.
    Does this dispute over housing benefit mean that he can't apply for housing benefit when he gets little work as he did last week? Are they being honest with you over why they are in this mess over housing benefit? I would think that a self employed person such as yourself might have more issues with HB than two people who are working. I was self employed for 6 years and it was less straightforward in the beginning than when I was working part time.

    All I ever had to do when I was working was email my payslips to HB or hand them in. It sounds like a horrible mess but it is not your mess to clear, can CAB not help them?

    It sounds like they need debt advice and very soon, from stepchange or whatever the name of the company is now. If they are getting a load of money taken off for HB arrears surely someone can ask that this is reduced if it is leaving them with not enough to live on.
    • annandale
    • By annandale 26th Sep 18, 1:14 AM
    • 1,233 Posts
    • 2,831 Thanks
    annandale
    I also would wonder if you are being told the whole truth about the housing benefit arrears and how they built up.

    They do make mistakes. But it should not be that difficult to calculate hb for two people with varying hour contracts

    All I had to do was submit payslips weekly. As I was paid weekly.

    It really does sound like they need professional advice before they go completely under.
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