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  • FIRST POST
    • Mooloo
    • By Mooloo 31st Dec 17, 7:35 PM
    • 9,945Posts
    • 49,185Thanks
    Mooloo
    Mooloo’s Managing it in 2018
    • #1
    • 31st Dec 17, 7:35 PM
    Mooloo’s Managing it in 2018 31st Dec 17 at 7:35 PM
    My previous threads here have been about my struggles etc bringing up my family and now my Granddaughter, building a business on little funds and a lot of faith.
    Titles suggested often are linked to my sewing, but this year I want to be different. No more Struggle!

    This year is all about Managing it!
    Getting on top of the hiccups and the pitfalls.
    Managing to say NO more often.
    Managing to cut my Debts.
    Managing to raise my Income levels.
    Managing to make my Business even better.
    Managing to block time for the things I want to do.
    Managing to create a better home life.
    Managing to raise above the fire fighting and being ready to tackle issues before the fire.

    So here is the start.
    I am due to go out celebrating the New Year this evening with my BF, and Welcome Home my DGD tomorrow.
    I will expand on my goals and plans over the next few days, and follow through the next 12 months.
    See you along the way.
    Without my fellow MSE!!!8217;ers I probably would have had a much tougher ride than I had.

    This Forum tip was included in MoneySavingExpert.com's weekly email!
    Last edited by MSE Andrea; 08-05-2018 at 10:27 AM.
    When I die I will know that I have lived, loved, mattered and made a difference, even if in a small way.
Page 33
    • ScarletRibbons
    • By ScarletRibbons 7th May 18, 8:38 AM
    • 325 Posts
    • 4,234 Thanks
    ScarletRibbons
    Mooloo, you have so many "virtual" friends on here wishing you well.

    All you can do now is keep going, and put DGD and yourself first. Tragic as the situation is, it's too big for you, you can't take on any more.

    BF and his mind games are irrelevant compared to your family problems, put him to the back of your mind.

    Wishing you all the very best and hoping you get through all this.
    • Cairn
    • By Cairn 7th May 18, 8:57 AM
    • 20 Posts
    • 115 Thanks
    Cairn
    Mooloo, I do read but rarely post. You have my sympathy for what!!!8217;s happened with you son.

    I just wanted to say that I think your BF is being extremely selfish, this is not the time to be talking to you about anything like that. Ideally he should be around helping and comforting you like I!!!8217;m sure you did when his daughter had a surprise baby.

    Instead he is putting another !!!8216;issue!!!8217; on your already loaded table.

    Can I ask, you mentioned class A and B a few days ago. Is DS and/or girlfriend on heroin?

    How are the children?

    This is a very sad situ. I agree with others that you support from the backseat.
    • Eager_Elephant
    • By Eager_Elephant 7th May 18, 9:16 AM
    • 4,476 Posts
    • 25,999 Thanks
    Eager_Elephant
    ((Mooloo))

    Its very heartening to read that you have friends in real life and on here to support you.

    I am not sure what (ex)BF is playing at - it seems like he doesn't want you but then doesn't want anyone else to have you.
    I know 14 years is a long time but that doesn't matter, imagine if you look back in another 14 years and nothing has changed.

    As you know I am divorcing my husband after 17 years of marriage and 19 years together - I am under 40 but I don't want to reach 60 and regret my life so decisions have been made.

    The problem is when our marriage is good its really good and when its bad its really bad and I hate these ups and downs.

    I am trying to remember that if I always do what I have always done then I cant complain when I get what I have always got.
    I need to make changes and I honestly think (D)H will thank me for this in a few years - if nothing else I hope it makes him a better partner for someone else.
    Ninja Saving Turtle No. 1 for August
    NSD - 9/15
    (up to 12/8/18)
    My Diary is here - http://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/showthread.php?t=2175629 (Eager Elephants Effective Everyday Excursion)
    • ivyleaf
    • By ivyleaf 7th May 18, 10:14 AM
    • 5,824 Posts
    • 63,310 Thanks
    ivyleaf
    Mooloo, you have so many "virtual" friends on here wishing you well.

    All you can do now is keep going, and put DGD and yourself first. Tragic as the situation is, it's too big for you, you can't take on any more.

    BF and his mind games are irrelevant compared to your family problems, put him to the back of your mind.

    Wishing you all the very best and hoping you get through all this.
    Originally posted by ScarletRibbons
    I definitely agree with this

    (((HUGS))) Mooloo.
    • beanielou
    • By beanielou 7th May 18, 10:21 AM
    • 56,783 Posts
    • 230,992 Thanks
    beanielou
    So glad that you have friends.
    They are so important
    Lou~ Debt free Wanabe No 55 DF 03/03/14.
    **Credit card debt free 30/06/10~** **Weight loss 2 stone 11 lbs **

    "A large income is the best recipe for happiness I ever heard of" Jane Austen in Mansfield Park.
    ***Fall down seven times,stand up eight*** ~~Japanese proverb.
    It starts with you, it starts from now. *** It is ok to be me.***
    ***Keep plodding***
    Out of debt, out of danger. MFW 2018. No 144
    • Mooloo
    • By Mooloo 7th May 18, 8:59 PM
    • 9,945 Posts
    • 49,185 Thanks
    Mooloo
    I have plodded through the day, I sat outside with a cup of tea around 9 am. Then I sewed until 1.30 had another cup of tea on the swing seat and back to my sewing. Dgd was in the pool for a few hours on her dolphin, but she got board. My friend took her out for a few hours in the afternoon, and I just sewed until I had finished nearly all of it. I couldn't do one thing because I didn't have the right colour thread, and another because it's a coat that needs relining and that will take two or three hours.
    But I have given myself a chance to catch up at work now.
    I have been contacted by someone to alter a dress for Saturday and I have said No. we are fully booked for fittings and are working on two week turn around.
    I would have squeezed her in before but have realised that if she only asks for her dress to be altered 4 days before a wedding then it's her problem and bad planning and not worth adding to my pressure especially as she was not one of my regular customers. In fact someone recommended me on Facebook.
    Funny how a Shop with such a prominent position near the town hall isn't on her radar.
    I truely believe people walk around with their eyes blinkered!
    Biggest invited us to a BBQ this evening, so Dgd and I went but the atmosphere was terrible. Her husband said he had been to see DS and apparently he didn't ask after the boys and he was still smoking in his car!!!
    So the police didn't even get all of the drugs.

    I don't know what the class A was. I only know what cannabis is from my days in the pub trade.
    BF is saying hello, general chit chat about the weather, gardens and going for bike rides, beers and walks. Totally ignoring any of the issues etc. But to be honest I cannot process much else anyway.
    I need to do the wages and then bed.
    I dare not think about what may happen or not anymore.
    When I die I will know that I have lived, loved, mattered and made a difference, even if in a small way.
    • beanielou
    • By beanielou 7th May 18, 9:10 PM
    • 56,783 Posts
    • 230,992 Thanks
    beanielou
    Bloody hell.
    How scary that your DS does not to have taken what has happened on board.
    Lou~ Debt free Wanabe No 55 DF 03/03/14.
    **Credit card debt free 30/06/10~** **Weight loss 2 stone 11 lbs **

    "A large income is the best recipe for happiness I ever heard of" Jane Austen in Mansfield Park.
    ***Fall down seven times,stand up eight*** ~~Japanese proverb.
    It starts with you, it starts from now. *** It is ok to be me.***
    ***Keep plodding***
    Out of debt, out of danger. MFW 2018. No 144
    • Mooloo
    • By Mooloo 7th May 18, 10:04 PM
    • 9,945 Posts
    • 49,185 Thanks
    Mooloo
    Now you know why I want to pack my bags and run away.
    I don't want to deal with this anymore.
    I am destroyed. My family is torn apart.
    I hate my life.
    They say if you don't like it change it!
    But I cannot afford to change it.
    When I die I will know that I have lived, loved, mattered and made a difference, even if in a small way.
    • Cairn
    • By Cairn 8th May 18, 7:50 AM
    • 20 Posts
    • 115 Thanks
    Cairn
    Mooloo, you cannot change how people behave but you can change how you react to it.

    I know this is all extremely serious and you must be terrified having been here before (child neglect/social services/child removal), but your children are adults, your support does not have to be all encompassing.

    You gave your all when you bought them up, it!!!8217;s time for them to take responsibility or consequences.

    At least you know the boys are safe each night.
    • Mooloo
    • By Mooloo 8th May 18, 8:19 AM
    • 9,945 Posts
    • 49,185 Thanks
    Mooloo
    Dgd just asked to go to her Mum's because she's not happy here. Then she asked if we can go away to Portugal.
    My heart is broken at the moment.
    I am angry like my daughter and her husband at my son and his GF.
    BF is sprouting platitudes but no plans how to follow through. I am not falling for it at the moment.
    When I die I will know that I have lived, loved, mattered and made a difference, even if in a small way.
    • ognum
    • By ognum 8th May 18, 9:15 AM
    • 4,587 Posts
    • 7,208 Thanks
    ognum
    Dgd just asked to go to her Mum's because she's not happy here. Then she asked if we can go away to Portugal.
    My heart is broken at the moment.
    I am angry like my daughter and her husband at my son and his GF.
    BF is sprouting platitudes but no plans how to follow through. I am not falling for it at the moment.
    Originally posted by Mooloo
    I know you will be aware of this but children are experts at exploiting are vulnerabilities. DGD is well aware that you are down and unhappy, things have changed for her too. BF is not around, she knows DS children are with Biggest and will have overheard conversations etc.

    Do you think you need to sit her down and ask her if she’s has any questions about what is happening, she is vulnerable and clearly needs support, maybe even some independent talking therapy?
    • Chrystal
    • By Chrystal 8th May 18, 2:09 PM
    • 399 Posts
    • 2,584 Thanks
    Chrystal
    Now you know why I want to pack my bags and run away.
    I don't want to deal with this anymore.
    I am destroyed. My family is torn apart.
    I hate my life.
    They say if you don't like it change it!
    But I cannot afford to change it.
    Originally posted by Mooloo
    You are in a very hard place, and probably suffering from shock, but I think you're looking at this from the wrong end of the telescope.
    Whilst we (usually) love our kids we don't always like them, and can HATE the things they do. Unfortunately we cannot change their behaviour, their personalities are born in them and they are what they are. We can however change our behaviour toward them. "If you don't like it change it, But I cannot afford to change it" This I think is what you need to try and change.... Why do you think money will make a difference? Believe me it won't !

    It's very easy to say, and very hard to do, but you need to distance yourself from your son and his GF. ANYTHING you do will not change his behaviour, that is something that only he can do and only IF and WHEN he is ready. I know how hard this is to do ,it took me years to do it, but it was only when I did that I realised fully that I'd been part of the problem by supplying him with money etc.
    I think we feel it's our responsibility that they behave the way they do, IT'S NOT! Your eldest daughter isn't like it. and you brought them both up the same.

    The old prayer says
    God grant me the Serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
    The Courage to change the things I can
    And the Wisdom to know the difference.

    It might sound trite, but if we could follow it I think we would all be a lot happier.

    There is only one thing you CAN change, and it doesn't take money, and that is your reaction to what is going on. You honestly can't change anything that your son does or doesn't do, so try and concentrate on the positives in your life. (((hugs)))
    I Believe.....
    That it isn't always enough, to be forgiven by others.
    Sometimes, you have to learn to forgive yourself.
    • thorsoak
    • By thorsoak 8th May 18, 3:05 PM
    • 5,712 Posts
    • 26,268 Thanks
    thorsoak
    Dgd just asked to go to her Mum's because she's not happy here. Then she asked if we can go away to Portugal.
    My heart is broken at the moment.
    I am angry like my daughter and her husband at my son and his GF.
    BF is sprouting platitudes but no plans how to follow through. I am not falling for it at the moment.
    Originally posted by Mooloo
    Look at the timing of DGD's comment, Mooloo - first thing in the morning - a morning when she has to go to school after a lovely weekend. I think that the nub of the problem with her is probably school - not what is going on around her at home.

    For the time being, concentrate on exactly what is the problem with DGD - forget about druggy DS (I know, that sounds horrible, but it is what it is), forget about BF who is trying to wind you in yet again - your priority is DGD - the others will be there when you have got to the bottom of what is really worrying DGD. After a happy weekend for her, to say "I want to go to my mum - or Portugal" says more about what is in front of her right now - and that is school. Ask her friends what happens at school as well as asking her teachers and her. There's something worrying her about school.
    • Almost-free
    • By Almost-free 8th May 18, 5:36 PM
    • 116 Posts
    • 316 Thanks
    Almost-free
    Whilst others keep clearing up their mess they learn nothing . They have to be involved in the clean up process- whether it's the dirty kitchen or their lives generally . Anything else is just sticking a plaster on the situation .
    I said years ago that I felt your son felt neglected amongst all the crap going on with the twins, and I stand by that now, but mooloo no one could have tried harder over these many years I've followed your story .

    I really don't know how you keep going- but you do. I hope the authorities take appropriate action and do not expect your over-burdened family to try to pick up the pieces again, as clearly something more drastic is needed now.
    • Mooloo
    • By Mooloo 8th May 18, 7:45 PM
    • 9,945 Posts
    • 49,185 Thanks
    Mooloo
    I wasn't wanting money in my bank for them.
    I was wishing I had enough to kick start my ability to move.
    I have wanted to move to Portugal for over 30 years.
    I have plans to move eventually if I can build the nest egg again.
    I understand that Dgd has problems at school and I am talking to the school, who are also trying to find out what is upsetting Dgd. She wants to see her Mum and I understand that.
    I am aware that she is sensitive to what has happened in my life this week, and the school were told on Friday.
    My friends have rallied round.
    Biggest and her hubby have been told that they don't have to keep the boys and if DS is stupid enough to keep smoking that stuff and let all around him collapse then so be it.
    I am not doing anything other then trying to talk but he is not listening and is playing the victim.
    I am fed up.
    I did the tears and went through shock
    I did the practical when necessary
    I can't do anything more.
    I have been unhappy with BF and I feel vulnerable at times, but I am not getting reeled in with one day, etc etc
    I am strong enough, just to walk tall on my own.
    I am just saddened.
    I will get to Portugal eventually. But when is probably after I retire.
    I am trying hard to turn the business a profit, and now I am not replacing Biggest or adding another Seamstress I have caught up with a lot of work these last few days, and I will start to see the bank balance increase because I am not paying out so much.
    I have put the prices up on several items. I will see the difference over the coming months.
    I am well aware that my life style doesn't suit some.
    I grew up moving and living abroad.
    I am quite capable of starting over if I want to.
    I do know some Portuguese and I am studying it every day.
    I have been there often enough to know what I am looking for.
    I can use my skills in any country as long as I have a cushion while I build a customer base.
    If I have to wait until Dgd is 18 then I will, but if I can get a place sooner and holiday there then I will. If I have to wait I will.
    I don't believe that what is happening now is why I want to go, it's just proving to me that I don't want life to pass me by while I am able.
    I realise that "running away" will not solve the problems but it might just distance me enough.
    And just because I put my ideas and thoughts down doesn't mean it's a done deal.
    My writing here has always been spontaneous and how I am thinking when I pick up the iPhone to write. So some days I am positive and up beat, others I am scared, tired, emotionally drained.
    But this is who I am.
    I yo-yo from emotions.
    I am me.
    When I die I will know that I have lived, loved, mattered and made a difference, even if in a small way.
    • thorsoak
    • By thorsoak 8th May 18, 8:09 PM
    • 5,712 Posts
    • 26,268 Thanks
    thorsoak
    A positive, affirmative post Mooloo! You are doing the best that you can, which is the best that any of us can do. You know that you cannot change the world, you can only change your attitude to it - and that's what you appear to be doing xxx

    We have your back xx
    • Mooloo
    • By Mooloo 8th May 18, 8:26 PM
    • 9,945 Posts
    • 49,185 Thanks
    Mooloo
    A positive, affirmative post Mooloo! You are doing the best that you can, which is the best that any of us can do. You know that you cannot change the world, you can only change your attitude to it - and that's what you appear to be doing xxx

    We have your back xx
    Originally posted by thorsoak
    Thankyou
    I appreciate it.
    I hope that I sleep better tonight!
    When I die I will know that I have lived, loved, mattered and made a difference, even if in a small way.
    • ognum
    • By ognum 8th May 18, 8:31 PM
    • 4,587 Posts
    • 7,208 Thanks
    ognum
    Thankyou
    I appreciate it.
    I hope that I sleep better tonight!
    Originally posted by Mooloo
    A very brave post Mooloo.
    • beanielou
    • By beanielou 8th May 18, 8:57 PM
    • 56,783 Posts
    • 230,992 Thanks
    beanielou
    It is so so ok for you to be you.
    I salute you.
    Lou~ Debt free Wanabe No 55 DF 03/03/14.
    **Credit card debt free 30/06/10~** **Weight loss 2 stone 11 lbs **

    "A large income is the best recipe for happiness I ever heard of" Jane Austen in Mansfield Park.
    ***Fall down seven times,stand up eight*** ~~Japanese proverb.
    It starts with you, it starts from now. *** It is ok to be me.***
    ***Keep plodding***
    Out of debt, out of danger. MFW 2018. No 144
    • Mooloo
    • By Mooloo 8th May 18, 9:39 PM
    • 9,945 Posts
    • 49,185 Thanks
    Mooloo
    Oh and I just told BF I am not tempted by his carrot.
    I did say if he ever actually formulated a plan for his mythical future then I would listen. He asked me to tell him if I started dating again.
    I have said if we are still friends I will, but if he leaves it till then then he will have missed the last chance saloon. And if he is reading this he will reconize my turn of phrase.
    I may still love him, but I will adapt. He may have started the ball rolling last week in a "gentleman guesture", but he just accelerated the decision that's been in the back of my mind for a long while, and one of the reasons that I think I self sabotage my self. Tearing myself in two trying to be a partner in one world and a single person in another. Not properly formulating goals and plans because I wasn't sure if it was going to be a me or an us.
    I am sad. But I have chosen to go on on my own, well with my few friends I know and the friends on here who keep me on my toes.
    Now I really do have a tension headache and need sleep.
    When I die I will know that I have lived, loved, mattered and made a difference, even if in a small way.
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