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    • MSE Sarah
    • By MSE Sarah 24th Nov 17, 12:35 PM
    • 123Posts
    • 66Thanks
    MSE Sarah
    Money Moral Dilemma: Should I buy my friend a wedding gift?
    • #1
    • 24th Nov 17, 12:35 PM
    Money Moral Dilemma: Should I buy my friend a wedding gift? 24th Nov 17 at 12:35 PM
    This week's MoneySaver who wants advice asks...

    I'm a bridesmaid for one of my best friends this year. All the bridesmaids collectively agreed a budget for the hen party to keep things fair. For various reasons we have gone way over budget, but the bride also asked us to pay for our own dress alterations (£75+), shoes (£30+) and hair styling (£50+). Can I get away with not buying a wedding gift?

    Unfortunately the MSE team can't always answer money moral dilemma questions as contributions are often emailed in or suggested in person. They are intended to be enjoyed as a point of debate and discussed at face value.

    If you havenít already, join the forum to reply!

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    • Pixie5740
    • By Pixie5740 2nd Dec 17, 9:57 AM
    • 12,173 Posts
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    Is it just me, or are the incidental costs of weddings getting really out of hand?
    Originally posted by crmism
    No it's not just you. I remember watching some episodes of Don't Tell the Bride (please don't judge me ) and some of the grooms arranging the wedding were outrageous. One groom wanted to get married in Central Park because his fiancee likes Alice in Wonderland and there's an Alice in Wonderland statue there. After blowing a lot of his £12k budget on the stag do he then expected his wedding guests to fork out £500 each (don't think this included flights as well) to attend his wedding because if they didn't the wedding couldn't go ahead as he'd run out of money.

    On more than one episode the grooms expected the bridesmaids to pay for their full outfits themselves and they weren't the sort of outfits you'd ever wear again.

    I think the bride in the OP has a cheek expecting the bridesmaids to pay for dress alternations, shoes and hair because those things should be coming out the wedding budget in my opinion. I do think it has the potential to cause bad blood though if you don't get the bride something although maybe bridezilla would be a friend worth losing. Only the person with the MMD can decide. Weddings can bring out the worst in people. I have a friend who fell out with his best man over his wedding and the marriage lasted less than a year.
    • Topaz28
    • By Topaz28 2nd Dec 17, 10:14 PM
    • 2 Posts
    • 44 Thanks
    The bride is being massively cheeky, if she insists you wear a specific style of dress, shoes and hair then she should pay for it. Since you!!!8217;re already saving her £100+ by paying for these things yourself then you shouldn!!!8217;t be expected to buy a present but as she has unreasonable expectations she would probably be upset if you didn!!!8217;t. I think you should speak now or forever hold your peace: have a calm conversation with her before the wedding and explain that expenses have got out of hand and bridesmaids aren!!!8217;t normally expected to pay for these sort of things or say nothing and at least get her a small, cheap token gift. Saying nothing and letting the lack of present make a statement will probably cause tension even though that!!!8217;s not your intention and then everything you!!!8217;ve put up with to keep the peace would!!!8217;ve been for nothing anyway.
    Last edited by Topaz28; 02-12-2017 at 10:27 PM.
    • relentlass
    • By relentlass 3rd Dec 17, 6:44 AM
    • 3 Posts
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    Sister in law has refused to speak to us for over 2 years, since we only gave £200 and a hand made card to her daughter and son in law as a wedding gift.
    • robpw2
    • By robpw2 3rd Dec 17, 6:59 AM
    • 12,648 Posts
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    i spent less than one person is spending alone on dress alterations hen party and shoes etc on my entire wedding ... so i dont know a present is kind of expected but be reasonable a small gift is just as nice as an expensive one

    Slimming world start 28/01/2012 starting weight 21st 2.5lb current weight 17st 9-total loss 3st 7.5lb
    Slimmer of the month February , March ,April
    • Fireflyaway
    • By Fireflyaway 3rd Dec 17, 8:45 AM
    • 1,813 Posts
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    I'd buy a gift. As a bridesmaid and friend I think you should, but a cheap one! A nice photo frame / glasses etc can be cheap but still look nice.
    I think the bride is out of order to expect you to buy shows and pay for hair and make up.
    • Turtle
    • By Turtle 4th Dec 17, 4:39 PM
    • 941 Posts
    • 2,544 Thanks
    Sister in law has refused to speak to us for over 2 years, since we only gave £200 and a hand made card to her daughter and son in law as a wedding gift.
    Originally posted by relentlass
    'Only' £200?! That's a lot of money. Doesn't sound much of a loss to me.

    • Tropically
    • By Tropically 5th Dec 17, 3:10 PM
    • 269 Posts
    • 814 Thanks
    I am getting married and paying for accommodation, food and drink for 50 guests for three days.

    In our FAQ on our website we have:

    Is there a gifts registry?
    We really don't need gifts! We have lived together for a while and have all we need, and we recognise that all you have had to travel really far. Gifts are not required or expected, and we would so much rather have you attend than gifts.

    We really don't want gifts. Reading some of the behaviour posted in this thread has made me super-cringe and feel yucky. NO ONE EVER NEEDS TO GET OTHER PEOPLE GIFTS.
    Mortgage started at £318,000 in June 2016. Original MF - 2041
    2017 OPs: £7000/£7000
    Mortgage in Nov 2017 - £297,808
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