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  • FIRST POST
    • mummyto_1
    • By mummyto_1 17th Nov 17, 2:34 PM
    • 26Posts
    • 11Thanks
    mummyto_1
    Not sure what to do
    • #1
    • 17th Nov 17, 2:34 PM
    Not sure what to do 17th Nov 17 at 2:34 PM
    Hi,

    I'm not actually a new user I've been a member for 10 years with over 3,000 posts but wanted to post under the radar.

    I've been with my partner 6 years and we have a child who is 3.

    We also own a house together.

    Deep breath and here goes.............about once a week he'll take cocaine.

    I've asked him to stop and he did try once and have a couple of weeks off of it. And it was great, he was a much better person but unfortunately it was short lived.

    I'm sure people will tell me to get rid of him and that's what I'm leaning towards doing I just wanted to get my thoughts out and hear views from outsiders that don't know me personally.

    I know there's some people that do drugs and they spend hundreds of pounds a week on it.
    My partner will spend about 20 or 40 a week
    So not a lot really so I'm wondering if I'm over reacting?

    When he gets paid he transfers the whole lot to me as I'm very good with money, and most months we save 1,000 sometimes a bit more, so I sometimes think why am I moaning about him having 20 - 40 a week.

    But on the other hand I'm anti drugs and have never tried any

    I'm mid 30's now so its getting to the point where do I want to carry on with this

    Thank you for reading
Page 7
    • thorsoak
    • By thorsoak 8th Feb 18, 4:49 PM
    • 5,662 Posts
    • 25,939 Thanks
    thorsoak
    Going to the gp is a courageous thing. Hopefully that helps.
    This might be controversial yes drugs are bad. But so is alcohol that any of us can buy in unlimited quantities of in the supermarket.
    Would you feel as bad / worse if he drank to oblivion every night?
    I'm not condoning drug use but if he is not being violent and he is a good dad and working, cocaine at the weekend might not be any different to drinking. I'd not want my kids to take drugs but I not want them getting plastered at the weekend either! If he keeps it away from the kids I'd not worry too much. As well as being parents we are individuals too.
    Originally posted by Fireflyaway
    The bottom line is the fact that drug dealing is illegal. Many employers take a dim view of drug-taking employees -and operating machinery/driving under the influence of drugs as well as alcohol is a crime.
    • JimmyTheWig
    • By JimmyTheWig 8th Feb 18, 5:37 PM
    • 11,652 Posts
    • 11,256 Thanks
    JimmyTheWig
    normally he transfers all his wages to me, but when he got paid on 25th January he kept 350 for himself.
    When I asked him on Monday how much he had left he told me 50 so in just over a week he spent 300 and he hasn't bought any clothes or anything like that.
    Originally posted by mummyto_1
    You know it's Valentines day next week?
    • mummyto_1
    • By mummyto_1 9th Feb 18, 8:41 AM
    • 26 Posts
    • 11 Thanks
    mummyto_1
    You know it's Valentines day next week?
    Originally posted by JimmyTheWig

    Yes, but he definitely wont have spent the money on me
    • cyantist
    • By cyantist 9th Feb 18, 11:41 AM
    • 547 Posts
    • 1,105 Thanks
    cyantist
    Has he said what he has spent the money on?
    • mummyto_1
    • By mummyto_1 9th Feb 18, 11:47 AM
    • 26 Posts
    • 11 Thanks
    mummyto_1
    Has he said what he has spent the money on?
    Originally posted by cyantist

    No, I haven't asked.

    Interesting development yesterday; his brother moved......to a town 2 hours away!

    So that scuppers him disappearing off at the weekend.
    • spirit
    • By spirit 9th Feb 18, 11:54 AM
    • 2,717 Posts
    • 6,213 Thanks
    spirit
    Interesting development yesterday; his brother moved......to a town 2 hours away!

    So that scuppers him disappearing off at the weekend.
    Originally posted by mummyto_1


    Not really, just scuppers him using his bro as the excuse
    Mortgage free as of 10/02/2015. Every brick and blade of grass belongs to meeeee.
    • mummyto_1
    • By mummyto_1 9th Feb 18, 11:57 AM
    • 26 Posts
    • 11 Thanks
    mummyto_1
    Not really, just scuppers him using his bro as the excuse
    Originally posted by spirit

    True, what I should of said was that his brother was the only person he really goes out to see, so will be interesting to see where he says he's going from now on.
    • cyantist
    • By cyantist 9th Feb 18, 12:37 PM
    • 547 Posts
    • 1,105 Thanks
    cyantist
    If he's spending 40 a week, that's actually quite a lot of coke. If my hubby went out and took that much I'd be seriously worried he wouldn't make it home, though tolerances vary hugely (and given hubby hasn't taken coke for about 18 years he is unlikely to cope with levels that ops partner can) . But taking it on your own while you're playing computer games is just sad. I don't understand why someone would do that unless they really can't help themselves.
    I don't think I'd have that much problem with hubby going out and doing a bit of coke, but if it was every week, and if it was just while he was at home alone I wouldn't put up with it.
    • mummyto_1
    • By mummyto_1 9th Feb 18, 12:46 PM
    • 26 Posts
    • 11 Thanks
    mummyto_1
    Thank you. Drugs or not in my opinion every week is a bit too much to be going out when you have a family.
    If he went out say once a month it wouldn't bother me.
    But maybe I'm just old fashioned and/or boring!
    • spirit
    • By spirit 9th Feb 18, 1:42 PM
    • 2,717 Posts
    • 6,213 Thanks
    spirit
    I don't think I'd have that much problem with hubby going out and doing a bit of coke,.
    Originally posted by cyantist


    I would, for the simple fact that it's illegal.
    Mortgage free as of 10/02/2015. Every brick and blade of grass belongs to meeeee.
    • cyantist
    • By cyantist 9th Feb 18, 2:07 PM
    • 547 Posts
    • 1,105 Thanks
    cyantist
    I would, for the simple fact that it's illegal.
    Originally posted by spirit
    I guess part of it to do with whether you think it should be illegal or not. In many countries it's not and in some ways it's less dangerous than alcohol. If alcohol was suddenly given the same legal classification as cocaine how many people who are very anti-drugs would think it ok if their partner had a bottle of wine on a Friday night?

    That said and having thought about it a little more, given the impact that being caught with cocaine would have on OHs career, I'd would be worried in that respect so I guess actually I would have a problem with it!
    Last edited by cyantist; 09-02-2018 at 2:20 PM.
    • thorsoak
    • By thorsoak 9th Feb 18, 3:58 PM
    • 5,662 Posts
    • 25,939 Thanks
    thorsoak
    Whether or not you think it is illegal, the fact is that it IS illegal. That is the point on which OP has to base her future. To argue whether or not it is or should be illegal is purely academic.
    • Tabbytabitha
    • By Tabbytabitha 9th Feb 18, 4:28 PM
    • 2,626 Posts
    • 4,340 Thanks
    Tabbytabitha
    No, I haven't asked.

    Interesting development yesterday; his brother moved......to a town 2 hours away!

    So that scuppers him disappearing off at the weekend.
    Originally posted by mummyto_1
    Whether or not you think it is illegal, the fact is that it IS illegal. That is the point on which OP has to base her future. To argue whether or not it is or should be illegal is purely academic.
    Originally posted by thorsoak
    If everybody left their partner every time they did something illegal, the divorce rate would be vastly higher than it already is.
    • Caroline_a
    • By Caroline_a 9th Feb 18, 5:52 PM
    • 3,903 Posts
    • 10,750 Thanks
    Caroline_a
    If everybody left their partner every time they did something illegal, the divorce rate would be vastly higher than it already is.
    Originally posted by Tabbytabitha
    But isn't it about choice to turn a blind eye to the illegality? Personally I wouldn't be with anyone who did any illegal drugs at any level -additionally I wouldn't be with anyone who committed a whole range of offences. I might turn a bit of a blind eye to someone who habitually sped in their car, but not who drove whilst drunk.

    The OP has an issue with the drug taking, as do many posters on here. I don't blame her. 160+ a month on drugs is a large amount of money. I wonder what the response would have been if the OP's partner spent that on gambling?
    • Tabbytabitha
    • By Tabbytabitha 9th Feb 18, 9:28 PM
    • 2,626 Posts
    • 4,340 Thanks
    Tabbytabitha
    But isn't it about choice to turn a blind eye to the illegality? Personally I wouldn't be with anyone who did any illegal drugs at any level -additionally I wouldn't be with anyone who committed a whole range of offences. I might turn a bit of a blind eye to someone who habitually sped in their car, but not who drove whilst drunk.

    The OP has an issue with the drug taking, as do many posters on here. I don't blame her. 160+ a month on drugs is a large amount of money. I wonder what the response would have been if the OP's partner spent that on gambling?
    Originally posted by Caroline_a
    A better comparison would be if he spent it on going down the pub. It wouldn't suit me but I doubt that many people would be too bothered if their partner spent a couple of evenings in the pub each week.
    • chesky
    • By chesky 10th Feb 18, 12:09 AM
    • 1,003 Posts
    • 1,630 Thanks
    chesky
    The Op has known about his coke habit for years. Bit late to get worried about it now and it seems she is more concerned about his other habits.
    Last edited by chesky; 10-02-2018 at 12:10 AM. Reason: Predictive text
    • spirit
    • By spirit 10th Feb 18, 6:14 AM
    • 2,717 Posts
    • 6,213 Thanks
    spirit
    A better comparison would be if he spent it on going down the pub. It wouldn't suit me but I doubt that many people would be too bothered if their partner spent a couple of evenings in the pub each week.
    Originally posted by Tabbytabitha
    Going down the pub isn't illegal. To be clear we are talking about a class A drug here, not a bit of weed.
    Mortgage free as of 10/02/2015. Every brick and blade of grass belongs to meeeee.
    • Detroit
    • By Detroit 10th Feb 18, 9:14 AM
    • 747 Posts
    • 2,332 Thanks
    Detroit
    Your husband's pattern, if he's being truthful, is outside of the norm, being both habitual yet relatively moderate, and also solitary.

    My concern would be that be may actually be using and spending a great deal more, hiding in plain sight, being upfront about moderate use to disguise something more.

    It isn't difficult to make extra money to support this with some low level distribution/selling, and this could be easily hidden from you.

    In terms of your relationship, like anything else, only you know what you can tolerate. If this is a deal breaker for you, you could tell him, with a clear outline of the consequences if he continues. He can then choose between you and coke.

    But buckle up, as the choice may not be easy for him. Expect a lot of false starts, lies, and disappointment, and understand that you may not be the victor.
    • Tabbytabitha
    • By Tabbytabitha 10th Feb 18, 9:17 AM
    • 2,626 Posts
    • 4,340 Thanks
    Tabbytabitha
    Going down the pub isn't illegal. To be clear we are talking about a class A drug here, not a bit of weed.
    Originally posted by spirit
    Gambling isn't illegal either but that was the comparison another poster put forward.

    Lots of things are illegal and plenty of people do them all the time - it doesn't necessarily matter within an otherwise good relationship. (Not that this sounds like a good relationship in other, more worrying, ways.)
    • peachyprice
    • By peachyprice 10th Feb 18, 3:44 PM
    • 19,441 Posts
    • 45,103 Thanks
    peachyprice
    Going down the pub isn't illegal. To be clear we are talking about a class A drug here, not a bit of weed.
    Originally posted by spirit
    There is no difference between 'a bit of weed' and cocaine, just because one is more socially acceptable than the other doesn't make it any less illegal.
    Accept your past without regret, handle your present with confidence and face your future without fear
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