Considering separation from Disabled partner

Ilona · 8 October 2017 at 9:10AM

lincroft1710 wrote: »

The OP is a Board Guide!

I find this almost as shocking as the letter itself. I can't respect a board guide who could be so cruel to his wife and children.

Ilona

bugslet · 8 October 2017 at 9:11AM

PasturesNew wrote: »

I think the OP's trying "to do the right thing". He's decided to leave and is at least working out the practicalities, rather than packing a bag and pinning a note saying "I've gone" on the fridge door....

If the spark's gone, it's gone. If you're not the sort to "soldier on" and "settle for what you've got" and not the "soul mates/dress alike / do everything together" sort then nobody wins by trying to hold on.

Indeed, her low current mood might be because she's already spotted that "he's going to bugg4h off and leave me soon isn't he".

I'm not an advocate for staying in a relationship if you are not happy, likewise I'm not an advocate for ignoring that old fashioned word, duty. I think you need to 're assess your obligations to your children and your wife.

It may be helpful to seek outside help, it's difficult to see the wood for the trees.

kezzygirl · 8 October 2017 at 9:22AM

Westminster wrote: »

Hi all

Forgive me if this reads liked jumbled ramblings but this is my thought process so far.

Background
We have been married for 12 years.
We own a mortgaged property together - it’s in both our names but I don’t recall (without digging out the paperwork) whether it’s joint tenancy or tenants in common.

Draft letter to my wife
I have been drafting some text to put in a letter to my wife as I expect it all to get very emotionally charged very quickly and I want to make sure I get everything across even if it’s much later that she reads it:

Firstly I realise that while it is very difficult for me to say these things, it will likely be very significantly harder for you to hear them and for that I apologise. What follows is a rather rambling selection of my thoughts and decision making process over this difficult situation.

I have been unhappy in our relationship for quite some time although have made several attempts to force myself to change my feelings / views but I have been unable to do so.

I am finding the physical and emotional demands of helping you meet your daily needs too difficult and it is making me very depressed. However I am not ‘blaming’ you for this - I just feel that we have grown apart in the same way many ‘normal’ couples would, we just have an extra dynamic. In all honesty, if it were not for your MS, I would probably have left several years ago so I really have tried hard to make this work.

While I still have affection for you and do care what happens to you moving forward, I have not felt love for a long time and have felt somewhat trapped by our situation and your condition as I would otherwise have probably done something about this a few years ago.

I know you have been sad for some time (possibly also depressed?) but have avoided trying to confront it as I didn’t want all this to come out before I had got your situation as ‘ready’ as possible for my departure. To this end, I have been trying where possible to put on a ‘front’ to keep things together due to the above.

Perhaps you are wondering if there is anyone else in my life - I can 100% percent say that there is nobody else and never has been anyone else. I haven’t as much as held someone else’s hand and I have no interest in finding anyone else at this time.

The boys are the most important thing to me and to help secure their future I intend to do what I can to keep my flying career so that I can continue to provide you all with a secure home. I hope their sunny disposition can help you through this and will always be on hand to help as and when I can.

I want to be very clear that I would love to have the boys living with me but its impractical with my work schedule and very unfair for you.

I hope we can maintain shared custody so that some of the time when I am home (and when convenient to you) the boys could live with me for some of the time.

I hope that we can keep a good relationship / communication going forward and while I fully expect this news to be extremely difficult, I also think you would very much prefer to keep the boys living with you and I am happy for them to do that and hope we can arrange an informal access program to fit in with my work etc. I intend to rent a property nearby so that I can help out with them as much as possible and so that we can share access / custody of the boys - particularly during the school holidays.

I hope that once the initial dust has settled, we will be able to share the parenting decisions as much as is possible.

Obviously the cats were a gift and I am happy for you to keep them. In fact there is very little I would want to take with me apart from those few items I would naturally see as ‘mine’ which would be laptop / server, my car etc. Everything else is up for discussion and I’m happy to leave you with pretty much everything else as you choose. While you may not want me back inside the house, if you do need any help with internet etc them I am happy to offer assistance. I will try to get as much as possible about the household accounts all together so there isn’t much you need to do.

I’m taking my time over this process before I tell you as I want to make sure your situation is as stable as possible before I leave. I am hopeful that after the initial sense of loss from having to start using aids etc, that you ultimately feel better as your agency staff will be here solely for your needs so you won’t ever feel like you are ‘disturbing’ someone else when you need something.

I haven’t yet had any professional advice on how the house / finances should be split but will probably do so before I tell you. My aim is to try to maintain the status-quo as much as possible. We don’t have any debts apart from the mortgage and I realise you won’t be able to buy me out of my part of the house so probably I will see if there is a way for me to keep my name / share in the property while you all continue to live there. I will then seek professional advice on what level of financial provision I will be required - but my intention is to fully meet my commitments.

What a desperately sad situation. I can see where you are coming from in terms of your whole relationship and feelings have changed, but please, have a talk with her. Don't just give this letter, speak to her face to face-She deserves that. It could be, given her diagnosis, that she is fully aware that your feelings have changed and she herself may be having the same thoughts as you. That said, I do think it's rubbish that you appear to be jumping ship from your terminally ill wife and mother to your children because the dynamics of your relationship have changed. Maybe you could continue to live together with the children, as companions? Does she have any family close by?

Pollycat · 8 October 2017 at 9:33AM

Westminster wrote: »

I know you have been sad for some time (possibly also depressed?) but have avoided trying to confront it as I didn’t want all this to come out before I had got your situation as ‘ready’ as possible for my departure. To this end, I have been trying where possible to put on a ‘front’ to keep things together due to the above.

I haven’t yet had any professional advice on how the house / finances should be split but will probably do so before I tell you. My aim is to try to maintain the status-quo as much as possible. We don’t have any debts apart from the mortgage and I realise you won’t be able to buy me out of my part of the house so probably I will see if there is a way for me to keep my name / share in the property while you all continue to live there. I will then seek professional advice on what level of financial provision I will be required - but my intention is to fully meet my commitments.

I agree with other posters that the letter is truly appalling.
The bits in bold are monumentally arrogant.

I hope the OP reconsiders how he's going to handle this separation from his partner.
Regardless of what his feelings are, to put it in writing or even say it is beyond cruel.

SunnyCyprus · 8 October 2017 at 9:47AM

Therapist: so, what brings you here today?

Child: well, when I was 5, and my sibling 4, my dad left us. We had to become carers for my mum who has MS. There were carers who came round 4 days of the week, and family members popped in from time to time, but otherwise it was down to me. I started school, but gradually my attendance got worse and worse. My siblings behaviour worsened and that made it really hard for Mum. Dad was a pilot so he was only around for a couple of days every now and then, there wasn’t any pattern to his visits....

Do I need to continue? OP, if you want any sort of respectable relationship with your children when they’re grown, I suggest you take a career break, perhaps a year or so, like a lot of mothers do when they become main parent to children.

Try and turn your thought pattern from ‘Self’ to ‘others’.

meer53 · 8 October 2017 at 10:06AM

I feel so so sorry for those little children. Not only do they have a Mummy who is disabled, they have a Daddy who is planning to leave them. I'd like to ask the OP if his wife has any idea, at all, that this bombshell is coming ?

Too many words to describe the OP that involve profanity but Coward and Selfish are two that don't.

scd3scd4 · 8 October 2017 at 10:21AM

Snap this little diamond up ladies...........he wont be single for long. Only don't get ill and if he ever gets ill just write a nice note and !!!!!! off and leave the donkey!!!

Primrose · 8 October 2017 at 10:23AM

I think our poster should seek counselling urgently With these huge distractions to his professional life - and I’m assuming he is a commercial airline pilot with responsibility for the lives of hundreds of passengers in his hands, he should not, whatever our feelings about the coldness of his approach, be trying to tackle his dilemmas alone. I would not like to be a passenger on a plane with a pilot wrestling with issues on his own.

His wife,s condition will almost certainly deteriorate over time, and whatever happens to his domestic situation they should BOTH be involving the professional caring agencies TOGETHER . The two of them should be making these decisions jointly. She has a right to be involved in decisions about herself and her children. Just because she is physically disabled, I assume she is still capable of using her brain and thinking rationally.

I imagine both of them are profoundly depressed by what has overtaken them and I hope they are making full use of all professional support services available. Whatever happens in the future they should be making decisions together. Presumably they chose to have the children in full knowledge of what might happen.That joint collaboration should still be happening.

To give her a letter like this is just like being involved in the ending of business transaction. Whatever his motives, it would crucify his wife She cannot fight back and change her fate. If she collapses emotionally, and who wouldn’t in such circumstances? - has he asked himself what might happen then? His wife might have to move into a care home and his children might have to go into foster care. Is this really what he wants? The best of plans have a habit of unravelling. I doubt whether he will easily find another live in carer who will cover all the things he expects to happen.

scd3scd4 · 8 October 2017 at 10:32AM

I imagine both of them are profoundly depressed by what has overtaken them

I bet she is more profoundly depressed. Sounds like most of he's depressing is his loss not her situation.

annandale · 8 October 2017 at 10:52AM

Where's the follow up? Post and then not bother responding again?

Come back on and let's hear your response to this crap op.

Considering separation from Disabled partner

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