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  • FIRST POST
    • Isolt
    • By Isolt 1st Oct 17, 6:53 PM
    • 67Posts
    • 55Thanks
    Isolt
    I think I'm in an abusive relationship + I'm terrified
    • #1
    • 1st Oct 17, 6:53 PM
    I think I'm in an abusive relationship + I'm terrified 1st Oct 17 at 6:53 PM
    Iíve been seeing this guy for a few months and heís sort of like a Jekyll and Hyde. When I first met him he presented himself as a hard working divorcee who ran a successful business and was dedicated to work and family.


    Gradually, the mask slipped. He admitted that the reason for his divorce was that his ex wifeís parents helped her leave the marital home while he was at work because she was so terrified of him, and she had a restraining order against him as well. She also was pregnant and aborted the baby because she was afraid it would turn out to be a sociopath. He spins all of this to make out it was ALL his wifeís fault and that he did nothing wrong. He also then admitted that he thinks monogamy is a ďjokeĒ (after having previously claimed he was in an exclusive relationship with me). He admits that he is having sex with loads of other woman and will basically go with any woman who is willing. He tries to pick up other women right in front of me at times, like waitresses, shop staff etc.

    When we first met he said that he drinks alcohol recreationally (which I found a bit odd given that heís Muslim, but anyway). Then he revealed that he smokes both weed and crack most days. When he revealed all this stuff I immediately tried to get out of the relationship, but thatís when he started making threats.

    Iíve tried to break up and heís made threats. ďYou donít know what Iím capable of.Ē ďDonít test me.Ē ďYou wouldnít want anything to happen to your lovely family would you?

    Later it emerged that he has been in prison, for drug trafficking. He used to deal crack and cocaine. He is supposedly a business owner now but itís hard to see how his business could really be breaking even, so itís possible he is still dealing drugs.

    Iím finding out more and more terrifying information about him and every time I try to cut things off, he starts making threats.
Page 2
    • OldMotherTucker
    • By OldMotherTucker 2nd Oct 17, 10:03 AM
    • 7,591 Posts
    • 16,859 Thanks
    OldMotherTucker
    Point being - yep it probably is surprising just how many relationships out there are abusive to one extent or another.
    Originally posted by moneyistooshorttomention
    Prehaps the lesson is not to jump in too deep and too quickly just in case the guy happens to be an abusive, crack-smoking, drug dealing, cheating ex con.

    It's up to the individual where they choose to draw the line but this isn't a first relationship and it's only been going on a few months . . just saying!!
    Should have joined Borrowmydoggy.com
    • Li0nhead
    • By Li0nhead 2nd Oct 17, 6:14 PM
    • 14,648 Posts
    • 32,165 Thanks
    Li0nhead
    Iíve been seeing this guy for a few months and heís sort of like a Jekyll and Hyde. When I first met him he presented himself as a hard working divorcee who ran a successful business and was dedicated to work and family.


    Gradually, the mask slipped. He admitted that the reason for his divorce was that his ex wifeís parents helped her leave the marital home while he was at work because she was so terrified of him, and she had a restraining order against him as well. She also was pregnant and aborted the baby because she was afraid it would turn out to be a sociopath. He spins all of this to make out it was ALL his wifeís fault and that he did nothing wrong. He also then admitted that he thinks monogamy is a ďjokeĒ (after having previously claimed he was in an exclusive relationship with me). He admits that he is having sex with loads of other woman and will basically go with any woman who is willing. He tries to pick up other women right in front of me at times, like waitresses, shop staff etc.

    When we first met he said that he drinks alcohol recreationally (which I found a bit odd given that heís Muslim, but anyway). Then he revealed that he smokes both weed and crack most days. When he revealed all this stuff I immediately tried to get out of the relationship, but thatís when he started making threats.

    Iíve tried to break up and heís made threats. ďYou donít know what Iím capable of.Ē ďDonít test me.Ē ďYou wouldnít want anything to happen to your lovely family would you?

    Later it emerged that he has been in prison, for drug trafficking. He used to deal crack and cocaine. He is supposedly a business owner now but itís hard to see how his business could really be breaking even, so itís possible he is still dealing drugs.

    Iím finding out more and more terrifying information about him and every time I try to cut things off, he starts making threats.
    Originally posted by Isolt
    So a drug dealing, drug taking, alcoholic, womaniser who makes violent threats.

    I think there might be a few red flags there.
    Hi there! Weíve had to remove your signature. It was so good we removed it because we cannot think of one so good as you had and need to protect others from seeing such a great signature.
    • Mrs pbradley936
    • By Mrs pbradley936 2nd Oct 17, 7:45 PM
    • 12,623 Posts
    • 18,967 Thanks
    Mrs pbradley936
    So a drug dealing, drug taking, alcoholic, womaniser who makes violent threats.

    I think there might be a few red flags there.
    Originally posted by Li0nhead
    I would wonder what the attraction was but it takes all sorts and all that.
    • greenbee
    • By greenbee 2nd Oct 17, 7:56 PM
    • 12,638 Posts
    • 220,339 Thanks
    greenbee
    The police take these kind of issues very seriously. I was reluctant to call them until encouraged by a friend who is a social worker and was overwhelmed by the support they gave me. It was a huge relief to talk to people who understood and could help me deal with the problem.

    The threats that the OPs partner is making would certainly be taken seriously. They do also ask questions to try to understand the situation and validate it. Regardless of opinion as to whether this is true or not, if anyone in future is concerned about their relationship being abusive (or similar inappropriate behaviour from a friend, acquaintance or colleague) they shouldn't feel that it isn't important enough to involve the police. They'd rather hear from you (on 101 obviously, not 999 unless there is an immediate risk).
    • pearl123
    • By pearl123 3rd Oct 17, 5:44 PM
    • 1,395 Posts
    • 2,076 Thanks
    pearl123
    Iíve been seeing this guy for a few months and heís sort of like a Jekyll and Hyde. When I first met him he presented himself as a hard working divorcee who ran a successful business and was dedicated to work and family.


    Gradually, the mask slipped. He admitted that the reason for his divorce was that his ex wifeís parents helped her leave the marital home while he was at work because she was so terrified of him, and she had a restraining order against him as well. She also was pregnant and aborted the baby because she was afraid it would turn out to be a sociopath. He spins all of this to make out it was ALL his wifeís fault and that he did nothing wrong. He also then admitted that he thinks monogamy is a ďjokeĒ (after having previously claimed he was in an exclusive relationship with me). He admits that he is having sex with loads of other woman and will basically go with any woman who is willing. He tries to pick up other women right in front of me at times, like waitresses, shop staff etc.

    When we first met he said that he drinks alcohol recreationally (which I found a bit odd given that heís Muslim, but anyway). Then he revealed that he smokes both weed and crack most days. When he revealed all this stuff I immediately tried to get out of the relationship, but thatís when he started making threats.

    Iíve tried to break up and heís made threats. ďYou donít know what Iím capable of.Ē ďDonít test me.Ē ďYou wouldnít want anything to happen to your lovely family would you?

    Later it emerged that he has been in prison, for drug trafficking. He used to deal crack and cocaine. He is supposedly a business owner now but itís hard to see how his business could really be breaking even, so itís possible he is still dealing drugs.

    Iím finding out more and more terrifying information about him and every time I try to cut things off, he starts making threats.
    Originally posted by Isolt
    Abusive relationships always get worse the longer you stay. He will always have to out-do the last time he made you suffer or abused you.
    With this in mind the earlier you leave the better.
    Find a safe place and just go.
    • Pollycat
    • By Pollycat 3rd Oct 17, 6:13 PM
    • 20,191 Posts
    • 54,194 Thanks
    Pollycat
    Abusive relationships always get worse the longer you stay. He will always have to out-do the last time he made you suffer or abused you.
    With this in mind the earlier you leave the better.
    Find a safe place and just go.
    Originally posted by pearl123
    I may be wrong (but hope not) but I got the impression that the OP wasn't living with this guy, just seeing him.

    Glad to see this thread has been moved from DT board.
    • TBagpuss
    • By TBagpuss 3rd Oct 17, 6:57 PM
    • 6,570 Posts
    • 8,539 Thanks
    TBagpuss
    Isolt, contact the police. Tell them everything that you've said here. If he has a criminal record they will be able to see that. They should be able to 'flag' your address so that if you have to call them they treat it as high priority.

    They will have a domestic abuse liaison officer who will be able to help you contact support services if you need them.

    My local police support a service (they call it the 'Bobby Van') - workers who provide advice about things like home security and can fit alarms / additional locks etc . You pay for any work carried out but the advice is free (I think our local one gets some funding so that they can do work at reduced cost for those on low incomes). Yours may have a similar service.
    • pearl123
    • By pearl123 3rd Oct 17, 7:30 PM
    • 1,395 Posts
    • 2,076 Thanks
    pearl123
    I may be wrong (but hope not) but I got the impression that the OP wasn't living with this guy, just seeing him.

    Glad to see this thread has been moved from DT board.
    Originally posted by Pollycat
    Excellent if she is not living with him. Getting away from him would be perhaps a bit easier.
    I wish OP the best of luck.
    • Kim kim
    • By Kim kim 3rd Oct 17, 7:31 PM
    • 2,252 Posts
    • 3,362 Thanks
    Kim kim
    Yes of course you are right. I just find it hard to believe that some people are so docile and put themselves in danger from bullies.
    Originally posted by Mrs pbradley936
    And the women who are battered or murdered by their partners - do you find then attacks & deaths hard to believe too?
    • trailingspouse
    • By trailingspouse 3rd Oct 17, 7:43 PM
    • 2,680 Posts
    • 4,370 Thanks
    trailingspouse
    I've spent a lot of time on these forums over the years, and many different people have many different types of problems. Most of them get sensible and useful advice. Why would you suddenly decide that this particular problem was made up?

    So - Isolt, I believe what you are saying. I believe that you have got in too deep with this guy and now realise that getting back out again is going to be difficult. Please ignore the perfect people on here with their perfect lives who have never made a mistake.

    If you are in any doubt at all as to whether you are in an abusive relationship, please look at the checklist on this site. https://www.helpguide.org/articles/abuse/domestic-violence-and-abuse.htm

    You can get out, you must get out. And you mustn't look back.
    • Fireflyaway
    • By Fireflyaway 4th Oct 17, 12:47 PM
    • 1,825 Posts
    • 1,971 Thanks
    Fireflyaway
    Its good that you realise there is an issue before its too late or more complicated ( kids / house etc). Why waste another second with someone like this? The sooner you break it off the better for your happiness and safety.
    Tell him in no uncertain terms its over. I'd do it by letter / email for safety ( keep a copy). Ensure if he had a key that you change locks. Block his number and don't reply to emails. Tell your family / friends / workplace, so they know not to speak to him or unwittingly give him any info.
    I agree with other posters that you tell the police. I'd probably not tell him that though. Hopefully he will move on and that will be the end of it and you can feel safe and happy again.
    • FBaby
    • By FBaby 4th Oct 17, 1:30 PM
    • 16,729 Posts
    • 41,345 Thanks
    FBaby
    Why are you speaker to strangers about this? Surely you have friends and/or family you can discuss it with?

    You are not living together, so tell him that you've decided that your relationship is not working and you don't want to see him again and that there's no point in trying to change your mind because it's made up. Record that conversation. If he makes threats then (which he is likely to do if he has done before), go to the Police. What other options do you think you have?
    • Sncjw
    • By Sncjw 4th Oct 17, 6:05 PM
    • 1,834 Posts
    • 1,087 Thanks
    Sncjw
    Can I just say to those people who say they don!!!8217;t belive it. This is why many women or men in abusive relationships don!!!8217;t report it because they feel like they won!!!8217;t be belived. The partner can come across as a lovely person but behind closed doors is another story.

    It is likely the same reason why she posted on here to strangers to get advice from people who don!!!8217;t know him who won!!!8217;t think he is a nice guy.

    The op. Please report to the police before he does anything else that could harm you or even kill you.

    It may seem difficult to leave him as you may fear his attacks getting worse. Does he know where your parents live? If it!!!8217;s in another area complexity consider going to them to stay. Get out the situation now before it!!!8217;s too late
    • Pollycat
    • By Pollycat 4th Oct 17, 6:22 PM
    • 20,191 Posts
    • 54,194 Thanks
    Pollycat
    Can I just say to those people who say they donít belive it. This is why many women or men in abusive relationships donít report it because they feel like they wonít be belived. The partner can come across as a lovely person but behind closed doors is another story.

    It is likely the same reason why she posted on here to strangers to get advice from people who donít know him who wonít think he is a nice guy.

    The op. Please report to the police before he does anything else that could harm you or even kill you.

    It may seem difficult to leave him as you may fear his attacks getting worse. Does he know where your parents live? If itís in another area complexity consider going to them to stay. Get out the situation now before itís too late
    Originally posted by Sncjw
    I think - and have already said - that the OP would probably have got different responses if this had originally been posted on the 'Marriages' board instead of 'Discussion Time'. It has now been moved.

    There are some regular posters on the 'marriages' board who cry troll very quickly but I would say that a thread subject such as this would have elicited much more support than I've seen so far.

    I hope the OP is OK, she's not been back to the forum for a couple of days.
    • suejb2
    • By suejb2 4th Oct 17, 6:31 PM
    • 1,388 Posts
    • 2,112 Thanks
    suejb2
    Partner
    Can you contact the police either personally or phone 101 requesting a disclosure using Clares Law. The police will ask for an overview of your concerns.

    Clares Law allows anyone to ask the police about a partners past.
    Life is like a bath, the longer you are in it the more wrinkly you become.
    • RedFraggle
    • By RedFraggle 5th Oct 17, 7:54 AM
    • 670 Posts
    • 1,794 Thanks
    RedFraggle
    https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/here-there-and-everywhere/201701/11-signs-gaslighting-in-relationship

    This is how.
    Officially in a clique of idiots
    • hazyjo
    • By hazyjo 5th Oct 17, 9:42 AM
    • 10,662 Posts
    • 13,944 Thanks
    hazyjo
    You need to change the title (in your head at least) from 'I think I'm in...' to 'I am in...


    Agree, police. It's the only thing that will scare them. Might be able to issue you with a restraining order or panic button.


    Don't let him trace or follow you on anything. Don't add anything to social media for a while and keep yourself anonymous. Obsession is worse when fed - even if that's accidentally. Don't get into any discussions or arguments, just end it and that is the absolute end. Change phone numbers if you have to, just cut every bit of contact flat.


    An ex threatened and hassled me when I left him and I went straight to the police. They turned up at his work and I didn't hear anything/much else from him - nothing threatening anyway, just a stupid comment on my webpage.
    2018 wins: Single Malt Whisky; theatre tickets; festival tickets; year of gin(!); shoes
    • bertiewhite
    • By bertiewhite 5th Oct 17, 9:52 AM
    • 1,110 Posts
    • 1,222 Thanks
    bertiewhite
    When we first met he said that he drinks alcohol recreationally (which I found a bit odd given that heís Muslim, but anyway).
    Originally posted by Isolt
    Lots of Muslim's drink, especially if they aren't a good Muslim and they think Allah isn't watching.
    • badmemory
    • By badmemory 5th Oct 17, 4:09 PM
    • 1,716 Posts
    • 2,320 Thanks
    badmemory
    Incidentally, the only person I have known to say that they drank recreationally was an alcoholic.
    • lillie421
    • By lillie421 6th Oct 17, 11:32 AM
    • 58 Posts
    • 26 Thanks
    lillie421
    You need to do something immediately. Contact the police and they will help you get out of this situation. If he says he will 'change' don't listen to him, people like this never change, especially if he has done it in the past. Get help now for your own safety! I wish you the best of luck.
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