married to an alcoholic and cant take anymore
Comments
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Id recommend al-anon, it sends him a message that if he isnt going to do anything about it then you are, for yourself. It may prompt him into doing something, if you manage to build some relationships in al-anon, people who have been where you are, then you have support in then making decisions and taking action.
Just go to a meeting, they have a website and are common across the country, and they have a helpline too. You dont have to do this alone !0 -
I will go to the meeting. its on Tuesday night though I may try to find one sooner. weekends are the worse. I don't want to be at home and spend time with boys or friends but I really want to just relax in my own home.
past two weeks I have spent sitting upstairs in my room every night. thankfully we have two spare rooms so he sleeps in another room.
I work with really vulnerable people, most of whom have addictions or major health issues. I understand why addiction gets people and that a high percentage of people who abuse drugs or alcohol were abused, some sexually, as a child. but I also know that I have supported him in many ways, he has had so many chances. he is not going to change. he loves alcohol more then me and I have to look after myself now.
words are easy though. I just need to action this.....0 -
Yup. But can you hear yourself?forgetfullass wrote: »its unfair that I should have to sell my lovely home.
And that's not fair.forgetfullass wrote: »I lost two of my best friends. one of them had an affair with him some time ago
And nor is that (on either of you).forgetfullass wrote: »the other one got fed up with me not seeing her and putting up with him.
And nor is that.forgetfullass wrote: »he drinks when he get up, drinks more, goes to bed, wakes up and repeat. I get up and commute every day for 90 mins each way to work and have done for years.
And nor is that.forgetfullass wrote: »I have struggled to bring up kids and pay the bills. got into debt which I am not seeing my way out off. he is lovely when sober and an idiot when drunk.
And nor is that.forgetfullass wrote: »I don't want to sell my house. renting would be much more expensive. he left before for two years and when he got sober I let him return.
You stopped some of that some time ago. You're still enabling him. He doesn't have to work, he can keep drinking, you're still paying, and intending to pay, the mortgage without any input from him. It's not fair.forgetfullass wrote: »I facilitated and enabled for years. I stopped this some time ago.
And that's not fair either.forgetfullass wrote: »this morning he said to me that I don't care about him etc. he wants me to say of course I do. poor me attitude and being a victim. actually I think I should feel sorry for myself
Stop thinking about what's fair. Start thinking about what's right. Go to Al-Anon, see a solicitor, sell the house. (although when he sees you're serious, maybe he WILL leave.) Make your own lovely new home - without him.
Is it fair? No. Is it right? I can't answer that for you, but equally I can't think of any reason why not ...Signature removed for peace of mind0 -
It is never
ever
Ever
EVER
worth trading your self esteem for money
(ever)2021 GC £1365.71/ £24000 -
Tell him its make or break. Tell him you have hit rock bottom with the relationship. See if he is willing to make a change pre Xmas.
How old is he?0 -
I'm really sorry you're having to go through this forgetfullass.
I can post this from the perspective of having an alcoholic father and know that no matter how hard you try, some people will never change. I was 13 years old when I made the decision to stop seeing my dad and have not seen him since - 8 years on.
I can't provide you with anymore advice than the others who have posted above, but I can let you know that everyone, including your children, will be better off not having him in their lives.
rae123 this could have been my post :sad:. I too had an alcoholic father who left home so many times when I was growing up it was unsettling and the arguments it caused as with me still to this day (they never go away).
My dad did try to get help when l was young but it didn't change anything and he went back to drinking. It is just like any other drug and they will only stop if and when they want to. I didn't see my father for years after he finally walked out when l was at school without a word, l didn't know where he was or anything and that hurt too. It took many years before l would have anything to do with him, it wasn't easy but l did try. Eventually he did have to give up the drink for health reasons brought on by his drinking, so in many ways l think it was the shock of being told the next drink could kill him made him realise what his drinking was doing to him.
I have every sympathy with you and hope that you find a way to get through this and have the life you and you children deserve. It is not easy living with an alcoholic, especially one who does not want to change. You need a life too, so be good to yourself. Good luck.Stash Busting Challenge 2016 6/520 -
I lived next door to an alcoholic and their partner for many years. It was like watching 2 trapped rats on a merry go round. The same scenario played out day in day out and was I thankful when able to move away from them.
Don't waste another second of your life. I would rather sleep on the streets than listen to or live the horror that was their lives.0 -
SO sorry for you, Its his illness not yours. Dont let your life slip away with someone elses illness Dont live in regret. Make the break you deserve.One life so live it.
Best wishes for a better future0 -
Do you have equity in the house? Can you get a mortgage alone?
I can't believe you'd even contemplate staying with him just to have a nice house. (That's how it comes across.) Where's he getting the money from to drink? If you're subsidising it, which to a certain extent you must be, add that on top of the mortgage which is 'only' £500-odd. Rent somewhere cheaper/smaller. Or buy if poss.
My sister is in the same boat. I am bashing my bloody head on a brick wall talking to her. She filmed one of his rages last weekend when he lost it when drunk - prob a year or so after promising it would never happen again and being very sheepish for a while. One of the kids (she's 18 next week) called the police.
We're all meant to go round there next Wed like nothing happened.
My BIL is a drinker, as was my ex-husband and my OH's dad. It's a very sad lonely path.
I can't tell you what to do, and it I'm not sure you're quite ready to hear it anyway. By people not knowing, you're covering for him. I actually can't see a question in your post, are you just here to offload? Are you planning on leaving him and asking for help? You've said a lot of what you don't want to do/change.2023 wins: *must start comping again!*0 -
forgetfullass wrote: »its unfair that I should have to sell my lovely home.
Can you afford to buy him out?0
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