Your browser isn't supported
It looks like you're using an old web browser. To get the most out of the site and to ensure guides display correctly, we suggest upgrading your browser now. Download the latest:

Welcome to the MSE Forums

We're home to a fantastic community of MoneySavers but anyone can post. Please exercise caution & report spam, illegal, offensive or libellous posts/messages: click "report" or email forumteam@.

Search
  • FIRST POST
    • robowen
    • By robowen 4th Feb 06, 7:47 PM
    • 2,970Posts
    • 1,725Thanks
    robowen
    Beethoven Joke.
    • #1
    • 4th Feb 06, 7:47 PM
    Beethoven Joke. 4th Feb 06 at 7:47 PM
    A tourist in Vienna is going through a graveyard and all of a sudden he hears some music. No one is around, so he starts searching for the source. He finally locates the origin and finds it is coming from a grave with a headstone that reads: Ludwig van Beethoven, 1770-1827. Then he realizes that the music is the Ninth Symphony and it is being played backward ! Puzzled, he leaves the graveyard and persuades a friend to return with him.
    By the time they arrive back at the grave, the music has changed. This time it is the Seventh Symphony, but like the previous piece, it is being played backward. Curious, the men agree to consult a music scholar. When they return with the expert, the Fifth Symphony is playing, again backward. The expert notices that the symphonies are being played in the reverse order in which they were composed, the 9th, then the 7th, then the 5th.

    By the next day the word has spread and a throng has gathered around the grave. They are all listening to the Second Symphony being played backward. Just then the graveyard's caretaker ambles up to the group. Someone in the crowd asks him if he has an explanation for the music. "Don't you get it?" the caretaker says incredulously.
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    "He's decomposing!"


    rob
    If only everything in life was as reliable...AS ME !!
    robowen 5/6/2005

    ''Never take an idiot anywhere with you. You'll always find one when you get there.''
Page 315
    • Wizard of Id
    • By Wizard of Id 28th Feb 18, 8:07 PM
    • 4,998 Posts
    • 17,011 Thanks
    Wizard of Id
    I've just eaten a small plastic Star Wars figure.



    It was a little chewy
    Every man is innocent until proven broke.
    Cryin won't help you, prayin won't do you no good.

    Keep Moving in 2018 Challenge - Target 3333 miles
    This week - 75.1
    Total so far - 3486.4
    • welshbookworm
    • By welshbookworm 1st Mar 18, 11:55 AM
    • 2,594 Posts
    • 6,740 Thanks
    welshbookworm
    Dean wakes up at home with a remarkable hangover.He tries hard to open his eyes,and the first thing he sees is a couple of painkillers and a glass of water on the side table. He sits down and sees his clothing in clothes hanger, all clean and pressed. Dean looks around the room and sees that it is in a perfect order, spotless, clean. So!!!8217;s the rest of the house.He takes the painkillers and notices a note on the table!!!8220;Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping. Love you.!!!8221;

    So he goes to the kitchen and sure enough there is a hot breakfast and the morning newspaper. His son Ezra is also at the table, eating.

    Dean asks, !!!8220;Son, what happened last night?!!!8221;

    Ezra says,!!!8220;Well, you came home after 4 A.M.,drunk and delirious.Broke the couch,vomited in the living room,and gave yourself a black eye when you stumbled into the door.!!!8221;

    Ashamed,Dean asks,!!!8220;So, why is everything in order and so clean, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?!!!8221;

    Ezra replies,!!!8220;Oh that! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your trousers off,you said, !!!8220;Ma!!!8217;am,leave me alone,I!!!8217;m married!!!!8221;!!!8221;
    The best portion of your life will be the small, nameless moments you spend smiling with someone who matters to you.
    • Wizard of Id
    • By Wizard of Id 1st Mar 18, 7:38 PM
    • 4,998 Posts
    • 17,011 Thanks
    Wizard of Id
    tough one to get the punchline through all those numbers
    Every man is innocent until proven broke.
    Cryin won't help you, prayin won't do you no good.

    Keep Moving in 2018 Challenge - Target 3333 miles
    This week - 75.1
    Total so far - 3486.4
    • Pyxis
    • By Pyxis 1st Mar 18, 7:41 PM
    • 39,830 Posts
    • 146,735 Thanks
    Pyxis
    They can't help having the dreaded MSE apostropheitis!

    With a dollop of exclamationmarkitis thrown in!
    (I just lurve spiders! )
    INFJ(Turbulent).

    Her Greenliness Baroness Pyxis of the Alphabetty, Pinnacle of Peadom and Official Brainbox
    Founder Member: 'WIMPS ANONYMOUS' and 'VICTIMS of the RANDOM HEDGEHOG'
    I'm in a clique! It's a clique of one! It's a unique clique!
    • welshbookworm
    • By welshbookworm 5th Mar 18, 1:10 PM
    • 2,594 Posts
    • 6,740 Thanks
    welshbookworm
    A teacher fell asleep in class and a little naughty boy walked up to him,

    Little boy: ;teacher are you sleeping in class?;

    Teacher: ;No I am not sleeping in class.;

    Little boy: ;What were you doing sir?;

    Teacher: ;I was talking to God.;

    The next day the naughty boy fell asleep in class and the same teacher walks up to him.

    Teacher: ;young man, you are sleeping in my class.;

    Little boy: ;No, not me sir, I am not sleeping.;

    Angry teacher: ;What were you doing?;

    Little boy: ;I was talking to God.;

    Angry teacher: ;What did he say?;

    Little boy: ;God said he never spoke to you yesterday.;
    Last edited by welshbookworm; 05-03-2018 at 1:13 PM. Reason: punctuation
    The best portion of your life will be the small, nameless moments you spend smiling with someone who matters to you.
    • welshbookworm
    • By welshbookworm 11th Mar 18, 9:00 AM
    • 2,594 Posts
    • 6,740 Thanks
    welshbookworm
    Four-year old Johnny was curious about her mothers grey hairs. One day, he asked
    her,Mommy, why is some of your hair turning grey?

    The mother seized the opportunity to give him a life lesson. She replied, You see, Johnny, every time a baby does something naughty, one of Mummy's hair strands turns to grey.

    Johnny replied,So that's why grandmother has a head full of grey hair.
    Last edited by welshbookworm; 11-03-2018 at 9:03 AM. Reason: punctuation
    The best portion of your life will be the small, nameless moments you spend smiling with someone who matters to you.
    • welshbookworm
    • By welshbookworm 19th Mar 18, 9:08 AM
    • 2,594 Posts
    • 6,740 Thanks
    welshbookworm
    Rebecca was driving home from one of her business trips in New Mexico when she saw an old Navajo woman walking on the side of the road. As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the old Navajo woman if she would like a ride. With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into the car.

    Resuming the trip, Rebecca tried in vain to make a bit of small talk with the Navajo woman. The old woman just sat silently, looking intently at everything she saw, studying every little detail, until she noticed a black leather bag on the seat next to Rebecca.

    What in bag? asked the old woman.

    Rebecca looked down at the leather bag and said, it's a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband.

    The Navajo woman was silent for a few seconds. Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, she said, Good trade.
    Last edited by welshbookworm; 19-03-2018 at 9:10 AM. Reason: punctuation
    The best portion of your life will be the small, nameless moments you spend smiling with someone who matters to you.
    • Ebe Scrooge
    • By Ebe Scrooge 19th Mar 18, 11:07 AM
    • 4,126 Posts
    • 3,572 Thanks
    Ebe Scrooge
    A man goes into a cafe with his laptop, goes up to the counter and says, "Can I have your Wi-Fi password please". The man behind the counter says, "You'll have to buy something first". "Fair enough", says the man, "I'll have a coffee and a cheese sandwich".


    "Go and take a seat and I'll bring it over to you" says the owner. When he brings over the coffee and sandwich, the man says, "Thanks. Can you let me know the Wi-Fi password please".


    "You'll have to buy something first", says the owner ... "That's all lower-case".
    I may not know much about art, but I know what I like.
    • Pyxis
    • By Pyxis 19th Mar 18, 11:48 AM
    • 39,830 Posts
    • 146,735 Thanks
    Pyxis
    A man goes into a cafe with his laptop, goes up to the counter and says, "Can I have your Wi-Fi password please". The man behind the counter says, "You'll have to buy something first". "Fair enough", says the man, "I'll have a coffee and a cheese sandwich".


    "Go and take a seat and I'll bring it over to you" says the owner. When he brings over the coffee and sandwich, the man says, "Thanks. Can you let me know the Wi-Fi password please".


    "You'll have to buy something first", says the owner ... "That's all lower-case".
    Originally posted by Ebe Scrooge
    I don't get it.
    (I just lurve spiders! )
    INFJ(Turbulent).

    Her Greenliness Baroness Pyxis of the Alphabetty, Pinnacle of Peadom and Official Brainbox
    Founder Member: 'WIMPS ANONYMOUS' and 'VICTIMS of the RANDOM HEDGEHOG'
    I'm in a clique! It's a clique of one! It's a unique clique!
    • peter_the_piper
    • By peter_the_piper 19th Mar 18, 2:13 PM
    • 26,404 Posts
    • 35,841 Thanks
    peter_the_piper
    You'll have to buy something first" is the password. Great idea, bet it works every time.
    I'd rather be an Optimist and be proved wrong than a Pessimist and be proved right.
    • Pyxis
    • By Pyxis 19th Mar 18, 2:18 PM
    • 39,830 Posts
    • 146,735 Thanks
    Pyxis
    You'll have to buy something first" is the password. Great idea, bet it works every time.
    Originally posted by peter_the_piper
    DONG!!!!!

    Yeah, good one!
    (I just lurve spiders! )
    INFJ(Turbulent).

    Her Greenliness Baroness Pyxis of the Alphabetty, Pinnacle of Peadom and Official Brainbox
    Founder Member: 'WIMPS ANONYMOUS' and 'VICTIMS of the RANDOM HEDGEHOG'
    I'm in a clique! It's a clique of one! It's a unique clique!
    • Sleazy
    • By Sleazy 23rd Mar 18, 6:40 PM
    • 12,936 Posts
    • 23,962 Thanks
    Sleazy
    Apologies if this has been told before ...


    Have you heard about the agnostic insomniac who was also dyslexic?

    They couldn't get to sleep, wondering if there was a dog.
    (P)earl Of The Alphabetty
    Nabob Of None
    • Sleazy
    • By Sleazy 6th Apr 18, 5:14 PM
    • 12,936 Posts
    • 23,962 Thanks
    Sleazy
    A plumber decided to leave his wife.
    She came downstairs one morning to read the following note:

    "It's over Flo"
    (P)earl Of The Alphabetty
    Nabob Of None
    • Sleazy
    • By Sleazy 8th Apr 18, 1:01 PM
    • 12,936 Posts
    • 23,962 Thanks
    Sleazy
    Why do Italian men grow moustaches?
    .
    .
    .
    So that they look like their Mothers
    (P)earl Of The Alphabetty
    Nabob Of None
    • welshbookworm
    • By welshbookworm 8th Apr 18, 8:56 PM
    • 2,594 Posts
    • 6,740 Thanks
    welshbookworm
    Yesterday was an awful day for me!;

    My husband ran off with his secretary,

    My son pierced his eyebrow,

    My daughter tattooed the bald spot on her head,

    My dog mated with the neighbors cat,

    My neighbor sold her house to a mental institution,

    My Mom told me I was adopted,

    My Dad told me he;s gay,

    My boss told me I was laid off,

    My sister was arrested for prostitution,

    My car was stolen,

    All that came in the mail was bills,

    Lord, please be with me today.

    I was able to live through all that misery yesterday.

    And I will be able to make it through anything today! But please!.

    DON;T LET ANYTHING HAPPEN TO MY COMPUTER!!!!!
    Last edited by welshbookworm; 08-04-2018 at 8:58 PM. Reason: punctuation
    The best portion of your life will be the small, nameless moments you spend smiling with someone who matters to you.
    • Sleazy
    • By Sleazy 17th Apr 18, 2:48 AM
    • 12,936 Posts
    • 23,962 Thanks
    Sleazy
    What do you call a man with a wooden head?
    .
    .
    Edward



    What do you call a man with three wooden heads?
    .
    .
    Edward Woodward
    (P)earl Of The Alphabetty
    Nabob Of None
    • Sleazy
    • By Sleazy 2nd May 18, 5:51 PM
    • 12,936 Posts
    • 23,962 Thanks
    Sleazy
    Marriage is not a word.
    It's a sentence ....
    (P)earl Of The Alphabetty
    Nabob Of None
    • Wizard of Id
    • By Wizard of Id 3rd May 18, 2:27 PM
    • 4,998 Posts
    • 17,011 Thanks
    Wizard of Id
    Marriage is not a word.
    It's a sentence ....
    Originally posted by Sleazy
    On the same theme

    Marriage is a great institution but do you really want to live in an institution?
    Every man is innocent until proven broke.
    Cryin won't help you, prayin won't do you no good.

    Keep Moving in 2018 Challenge - Target 3333 miles
    This week - 75.1
    Total so far - 3486.4
    • Sleazy
    • By Sleazy 11th May 18, 4:06 PM
    • 12,936 Posts
    • 23,962 Thanks
    Sleazy
    What is the name of every man who's been buried in Ireland for 200 years?
    .
    .
    .
    Pete (sic)
    (P)earl Of The Alphabetty
    Nabob Of None
    • welshbookworm
    • By welshbookworm 1st Jun 18, 1:47 AM
    • 2,594 Posts
    • 6,740 Thanks
    welshbookworm
    As a group of soldiers stood in formation at an Army Base, the Drill Sergeant said, "All right! All you idiots fall out." As the rest of the squad wandered away, one soldier remained at attention. The Drill Instructor walked over until he was eye to eye with him, and then raised a single eyebrow. The soldier smiled and said, "Sure was a lot of 'em, huh, sir?"
    The best portion of your life will be the small, nameless moments you spend smiling with someone who matters to you.
Welcome to our new Forum!

Our aim is to save you money quickly and easily. We hope you like it!

Forum Team Contact us

Live Stats

768Posts Today

5,622Users online

Martin's Twitter
  • Watching Theresa May... seriously would anyone in their right mind truly want her job right now!

  • RT @thecheekypostie: @MartinSLewis Thanks to this, I have just skim read it. To those in Scotland - on page 548, Dounreay is mentioned by n?

  • Today's twitter poll: The 585 page draft agreement of the withdrawal of the UK from the EU has been published. A? https://t.co/8YLkPyzqYM

  • Follow Martin