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  • FIRST POST
    • robowen
    • By robowen 4th Feb 06, 7:47 PM
    • 2,970Posts
    • 1,725Thanks
    robowen
    Beethoven Joke.
    • #1
    • 4th Feb 06, 7:47 PM
    Beethoven Joke. 4th Feb 06 at 7:47 PM
    A tourist in Vienna is going through a graveyard and all of a sudden he hears some music. No one is around, so he starts searching for the source. He finally locates the origin and finds it is coming from a grave with a headstone that reads: Ludwig van Beethoven, 1770-1827. Then he realizes that the music is the Ninth Symphony and it is being played backward ! Puzzled, he leaves the graveyard and persuades a friend to return with him.
    By the time they arrive back at the grave, the music has changed. This time it is the Seventh Symphony, but like the previous piece, it is being played backward. Curious, the men agree to consult a music scholar. When they return with the expert, the Fifth Symphony is playing, again backward. The expert notices that the symphonies are being played in the reverse order in which they were composed, the 9th, then the 7th, then the 5th.

    By the next day the word has spread and a throng has gathered around the grave. They are all listening to the Second Symphony being played backward. Just then the graveyard's caretaker ambles up to the group. Someone in the crowd asks him if he has an explanation for the music. "Don't you get it?" the caretaker says incredulously.
    .
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    "He's decomposing!"


    rob
    If only everything in life was as reliable...AS ME !!
    robowen 5/6/2005©

    ''Never take an idiot anywhere with you. You'll always find one when you get there.''
Page 314
    • peter_the_piper
    • By peter_the_piper 16th Nov 17, 1:12 PM
    • 26,057 Posts
    • 35,003 Thanks
    peter_the_piper
    Bill and Ben were council workers tasked with measuring the Flag Pole outsidethe council office. How do we do it says Bill, we don't have a ladder? I don't know says Ben. They looked at it for 5 mins but no ideas came. Young lady comes by and see's their dilemma. Lend me a wrench sh says, they do, and she lowers the pole to the ground, gets out the tape measure. 18ft 6 inches she says,they thank her and she walks off.
    Typical know it all female, when we wanted the height of the pole she gives us the length.
    I'd rather be an Optimist and be proved wrong than a Pessimist and be proved right.
    • 50Twuncle
    • By 50Twuncle 22nd Nov 17, 8:59 AM
    • 8,284 Posts
    • 1,962 Thanks
    50Twuncle
    Donal Trump has a heart attack and dies. He goes to Hades where the Devil is waiting for him. "I don't know what to do here," says the Devil. "You're on my list but I have no room for you, but you definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got 3 people here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves."

    Donald thought that sounded pretty good, so he agreed. The Devil opened the first room. In it was former President Richard Nixon and a large pool of water. He kept diving in and surfacing gasping for air, then immediately diving back into the water again, over and over and over. Such was his fate in Hades. "No!" Donald said, "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and I couldn!!!8217;t do that all day long."

    The devil led him to the next room. In it was ex British Prime Minister Tony Blair with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time. "No way, I've got this problem with my shoulder. It would be constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day!" commented Donald.

    The devil opened a third door. In it, Donald saw former President Bill Clinton lying naked on the floor with his arms over his head and his legs spreadeagled. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best. Donald looked at this in disbelief for a while and finally said, "Yeah I think I could handle this". The devil smiled and said...

    "Monica, you're free to go!"
    • Ebe Scrooge
    • By Ebe Scrooge 30th Nov 17, 2:38 PM
    • 4,127 Posts
    • 3,569 Thanks
    Ebe Scrooge
    The Captain makes an announcement over the aeroplane tannoy : !!!8220;Ladies and Gentlemen, please be aware that one of the starboard engines has failed. There is nothing to worry about, but it does mean that we!!!8217;ll be approximately half an hour late arriving at our destination!!!8221;.

    10 minutes later : !!!8220;Ladies and Gentlemen, I regret to inform you that we!!!8217;ve also had a failure in one of the port side engines. I assure you there is no cause for alarm, but it does mean that we!!!8217;ll now be approximately 1 hour late arriving!!!8221;.

    10 minutes later : !!!8220;Ladies and Gentlemen, I have to inform you that the second starboard engine has failed. Please be assured there is no cause for concern !!!8211; this aircraft is specifically engineered to be able to fly perfectly safely on a single engine.However, we now expect to arrive at our destination up to 3 hours later than scheduled.!!!8221;

    Paddy turns to his friend and says, !!!8220;Bejasus, if that last engine goes we!!!8217;ll be stuck up here all day !!!!8221;
    I may not know much about art, but I know what I like.
    • Wizard of Id
    • By Wizard of Id 13th Dec 17, 9:38 AM
    • 3,734 Posts
    • 14,119 Thanks
    Wizard of Id
    England doesn't have a kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool
    Every man is innocent until proven broke.
    Cryin won't help you, prayin won't do you no good.

    Keep Moving in 2018 Challenge - Target 3333 miles
    This week - 77.7
    Total so far - 1537.8
    • peter_the_piper
    • By peter_the_piper 17th Dec 17, 10:34 AM
    • 26,057 Posts
    • 35,003 Thanks
    peter_the_piper
    It also has a Braintree
    I'd rather be an Optimist and be proved wrong than a Pessimist and be proved right.
    • welshbookworm
    • By welshbookworm 23rd Dec 17, 10:29 AM
    • 2,480 Posts
    • 6,480 Thanks
    welshbookworm
    A new employee joins the Company, and is required to have a password setup for his computer. The boss directed a secretary to setup the password for him.

    The secretary asks the man for the password. The man, attempting to embarrass the secretary in order to show superiority, said, "MyPen1s."
    Blushing, the secretary inputted the password MyPen1s, and re-typed it again. Then she hit enter.

    The whole office heard the secretary bursting out with laughter at a reaction from the computer's screen:

    "Password rejected. Reason: Too short"
    The best portion of your life will be the small, nameless moments you spend smiling with someone who matters to you.
    • Smodlet
    • By Smodlet 27th Dec 17, 7:35 PM
    • 3,013 Posts
    • 6,051 Thanks
    Smodlet
    What do a Russian meteorologist and an essential member of Santa's team have in common?

    Rudolf, the Red, knows rain, dear.
    What is this life if, sweet wordsmith, we have no time to take the pith?
    Every stew starts with the first onion.
    I took it upon myself to investigate a trifle; it had custard, jelly, soggy sponge things...
    • Pyxis
    • By Pyxis 1st Jan 18, 9:31 AM
    • 34,941 Posts
    • 129,745 Thanks
    Pyxis
    England doesn't have a kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool
    Originally posted by Wizard of Id
    It also has a Braintree
    Originally posted by peter_the_piper
    And a H-udders-field.


    And a Hart-le-pool.
    Last edited by Pyxis; 01-01-2018 at 9:36 AM.
    (I just lurve spiders! )
    INFJ(Turbulent).

    Her Greenliness Baroness Pyxis of the Alphabetty, Pinnacle of Peadom
    Founder Member: WIMPS ANONYMOUS
    • Wizard of Id
    • By Wizard of Id 13th Jan 18, 8:42 PM
    • 3,734 Posts
    • 14,119 Thanks
    Wizard of Id
    I was walking down the street and somebody threw cheese at me

















    Very mature
    Every man is innocent until proven broke.
    Cryin won't help you, prayin won't do you no good.

    Keep Moving in 2018 Challenge - Target 3333 miles
    This week - 77.7
    Total so far - 1537.8
    • Sleazy
    • By Sleazy 19th Jan 18, 9:08 PM
    • 8,602 Posts
    • 14,128 Thanks
    Sleazy
    What's the difference between a politician and a flying pig?

    The letter F.
    Sleazy
    In Vino Veritas, In Aqua Sanitas
    • Sleazy
    • By Sleazy 28th Jan 18, 12:27 PM
    • 8,602 Posts
    • 14,128 Thanks
    Sleazy
    Why did the Owl "owl"?

    Because the Woodpecker "woodpecker"
    Sleazy
    In Vino Veritas, In Aqua Sanitas
    • Ebe Scrooge
    • By Ebe Scrooge 31st Jan 18, 10:02 AM
    • 4,127 Posts
    • 3,569 Thanks
    Ebe Scrooge
    Why do owls never mate when it's raining ?


    Because it's too wet to woo.
    I may not know much about art, but I know what I like.
    • peter_the_piper
    • By peter_the_piper 1st Feb 18, 9:39 PM
    • 26,057 Posts
    • 35,003 Thanks
    peter_the_piper
    From a Christmas Cracker???
    I'd rather be an Optimist and be proved wrong than a Pessimist and be proved right.
    • Head The Ball
    • By Head The Ball 9th Feb 18, 7:07 PM
    • 3,225 Posts
    • 8,501 Thanks
    Head The Ball
    A Jewish Israeli couple were arguing about who should get up and make the morning pot of tea.

    The man said that cooking is women's work.

    The woman said, 'Read the Bible.

    It says Hebrews in there.'
    Every Village has its Idiot.

    If you don't know who your Village Idiot is

    it is probably you.
    • Sleazy
    • By Sleazy 11th Feb 18, 6:59 PM
    • 8,602 Posts
    • 14,128 Thanks
    Sleazy
    An airplane was about to crash. There were four passengers on board but only three parachutes.

    The first passenger said, “I am the best basketball player. My millions of fans need me and I can’t afford to die.” So he took the first pack and jumped out of the plane.

    The second passenger, Donald Trump, said, “I am the newly-elected US president and I am the smartest president in American history, so my people don’t want me to die.” He took the second pack and jumped out of the plane.

    The third passenger, the Pope, said to the fourth passenger, a 10-year old school boy, “My son, I am old and don’t have many years left. You have more years ahead so I will sacrifice my life and let you have the last parachute.”

    The little boy said, “That’s okay, Your Holiness, there’s a parachute left for you. America’s smartest president took my school bag.”
    Sleazy
    In Vino Veritas, In Aqua Sanitas
    • Wizard of Id
    • By Wizard of Id 14th Feb 18, 12:43 PM
    • 3,734 Posts
    • 14,119 Thanks
    Wizard of Id
    I can't believe it was pancake Tuesday yesterday







    That's just crêped up on me.
    Every man is innocent until proven broke.
    Cryin won't help you, prayin won't do you no good.

    Keep Moving in 2018 Challenge - Target 3333 miles
    This week - 77.7
    Total so far - 1537.8
    • peter_the_piper
    • By peter_the_piper 14th Feb 18, 2:33 PM
    • 26,057 Posts
    • 35,003 Thanks
    peter_the_piper
    There ought to be a groaning face emoji.
    I'd rather be an Optimist and be proved wrong than a Pessimist and be proved right.
    • Lukatar
    • By Lukatar 23rd Feb 18, 9:34 PM
    • 9 Posts
    • 4 Thanks
    Lukatar
    I really hate pedant!!!8217;s
    • Wizard of Id
    • By Wizard of Id 25th Feb 18, 8:02 PM
    • 3,734 Posts
    • 14,119 Thanks
    Wizard of Id
    There ought to be a groaning face emoji.
    Originally posted by peter_the_piper
    you will really need it with this one then



    A weasel walks into a bar.

    The bartender looks up and says “Wow! In all my years tending bars, I’ve never had a weasel walk in. What can I get you?”

    “Pop,” goes the weasel.
    Every man is innocent until proven broke.
    Cryin won't help you, prayin won't do you no good.

    Keep Moving in 2018 Challenge - Target 3333 miles
    This week - 77.7
    Total so far - 1537.8
    • Iwanttobefree
    • By Iwanttobefree 26th Feb 18, 10:26 PM
    • 1,320 Posts
    • 3,360 Thanks
    Iwanttobefree
    A bit out of date now but still funny

    Dave was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I'll know them." Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff,

    "OK, Dave, how about Tom Cruise?"

    "No drama's boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it."

    So Dave and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door and Tom Cruise shouts, "Dave! What's happenin?!? Great to see you! Come on in for a beer!"

    Although impressed, Dave's boss is still sceptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells him that he thinks Dave's knowing Cruise was just lucky.

    No, no, just name anyone else," Dave says.

    "President Bush," his boss quickly retorts.

    "Yup," Dave says, "Old buddies, let's fly out to Washington."

    And off they go. At the White House, Bush spots Dave on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Dave, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a cup of coffee first and catch up."

    Well, the boss is very shaken by now but still not totally convinced. After they leave the White House grounds he expresses his doubts to Dave, who again implores him to name anyone else.

    "The pope," his boss replies.

    "Sure!" says Dave. "My folks are from Poland, and I've known the Pope a long time."

    So off they fly to Rome. Dave and his boss are assembled with the masses in Vatican Square when Dave says,

    "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope."

    And he disappears into the crowd headed toward the Vatican. Sure enough, half an hour later Dave emerges with the Pope on the balcony but by the time Dave returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics.

    Working his way to his boss' side, Dave asks him, "What happened?"

    His boss looks up and says, "I was doing fine until you and the Pope came out on the balcony and the man next to me said,

    "Who the f*#k's that on the balcony with Dave?"
    I went to the doctor the other day, Lady Doctor, She says

    "We've got your test results back, we know what it is.

    You've got beating heart disease" Howard Devoto 2009
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