Your browser isn't supported
It looks like you're using an old web browser. To get the most out of the site and to ensure guides display correctly, we suggest upgrading your browser now. Download the latest:

Welcome to the MSE Forums

We're home to a fantastic community of MoneySavers but anyone can post. Please exercise caution & report spam, illegal, offensive or libellous posts/messages: click "report" or email forumteam@.

    • Knit Witch
    • By Knit Witch 18th Jul 17, 8:29 PM
    • 3,610Posts
    • 32,947Thanks
    Knit Witch
    The Garden Fence - proper Old Style support and chat!
    • #1
    • 18th Jul 17, 8:29 PM
    The Garden Fence - proper Old Style support and chat! 18th Jul 17 at 8:29 PM
    As threads are going walkabout I thought I would start the next stage of this off - I will try and do the links later!
    Must use my stash up!
Page 470
    • mardatha
    • By mardatha 9th Aug 18, 9:24 AM
    • 15,385 Posts
    • 149,809 Thanks
    I've never been that sort of granny. I know it is controversial but I think I did my share when I brought mine up, I don't see why I should go back in a loop of continual babysitting and child minding. I don't really enjoy kids that much - for that I blame my daughter
    I was a terrific mum, gave them my all, but when I was finished then I was finished. Then the daughter went off and had 5 on the trot. A HERD. Noway
    • Puffinbertha
    • By Puffinbertha 9th Aug 18, 9:25 AM
    • 47 Posts
    • 353 Thanks
    Wishing you every happiness in your new home, Kittie. Thank you for all the sensible advice you have given, you will be much missed on MSE xx

    • silvasava
    • By silvasava 9th Aug 18, 10:00 AM
    • 4,096 Posts
    • 65,509 Thanks
    Mar - you are not alone! My gran wasn't ecstatic about small children but she always took time to explain things and take me to places that were interesting.i was the only grandchild though until I was about 17! I've only the one DGD & we have looked after her from time to time but as I was working full time it was never on a regular basis.
    Small victories - sometimes they are all you can hope for but sometimes they are all you need - be kinder than necessary, for everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle
    • Cocketts
    • By Cocketts 9th Aug 18, 10:51 AM
    • 115 Posts
    • 1,222 Thanks
    Mar - I've successfully (I think!) raised my two children to the grand old ages of 21 and 23.
    Just when I thought it was safe to breath again, my parents moved next door - mum has had a stroke and dad has dementia and Alzheimers so I'm now caring for them.
    It never really ends does it?
    Everything will be alright in the end - and if it's not alright, it's not the end ........
    • Softstuff
    • By Softstuff 9th Aug 18, 11:21 AM
    • 3,059 Posts
    • 35,457 Thanks
    Mardatha, I have a feeling that there's many grandparents out there who wish they could have done the same! My mothers friend has had to look after her grandkids a fair bit, even to the extent of having to give up her part time job. She finally put her foot down when her daughter spoke of having a third, with the expectation she'd take care of that one too and go directly back to work!!!

    Ivyleaf, hearing about your dgs and his buttering skills made me grin. I've been like that since I was a kid, frankly it's another benefit of me going low carb Though I bake a fantastic cake, my cake decorating skills bear more resemblance to "nailed it" than great british bake off too.
    Softstuff- Officially better than 007
    • nursemaggie
    • By nursemaggie 9th Aug 18, 11:42 AM
    • 2,418 Posts
    • 32,116 Thanks
    I would love the chance to look after mine. I have not seen the eldest two for nearly 5 years and of course the youngest has only just moved to the UK. I hope to see more of him.
    • silvasava
    • By silvasava 9th Aug 18, 11:53 AM
    • 4,096 Posts
    • 65,509 Thanks
    I do find it heartbreaking when Grandparents are denied the opportunity to see their grandchildren, its so short sighted. Often its because someone has taken umbrage but they forget that they are denying their children too. My DH hasn't seen or been able to contact his daughter since she was 5 (now 49!) despite our attempts. She has been denied contact with grandmother, aunts and cousins,probably isn't aware she had any by now - such a shame.
    Small victories - sometimes they are all you can hope for but sometimes they are all you need - be kinder than necessary, for everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle
    • fuddle
    • By fuddle 9th Aug 18, 12:01 PM
    • 6,670 Posts
    • 102,024 Thanks
    My MiL didn't look after my two but did her DD's. Paying childcare while I worked for the first 4years of eldest's life was crippling an already hard financial situation. When I gave up work when youngest was born, we crashed, and MiL took care of her DD's daughter while she went back to work after maternity leave. Even now, 9years on she cares for her before and after school, takes her to what ever club she goes to and leads her life by what her daughter wants her to do for her grand daughter. That's all well and good but she really needs to realise that she has two more grandchildren too. There's a bond between those two now. MiL dotes on the kid, she's spoilt, overweight, selfish and because she's an only child she gets her own way all the time. My two don't have the same rapport with their gran. That's OK but when my two are faced with the wants and wishes of the other one, my two lose out because they're easy to pacify, don't worry about make a fuss etc. The other one would have a tantrum or make life difficult for MiL and therefore whatever the other kid wants, she gets, to the detriment of my two. They see the unfairness and have done since being little. It's sad really. I understand it but there are flaws here and it is effecting relationships between gran and grandkids and cousins.
    Be like a tree.
    Stay grounded. Connect with your roots. Turn over a new leaf.
    Bend before you break. Enjoy your natural beauty. Keep growing.
    • Islandmaid
    • By Islandmaid 9th Aug 18, 12:06 PM
    • 2,992 Posts
    • 41,783 Thanks
    My kids are 20,22 and 24 and GC have not appeared yet - I must admit to being scared of it happening, as I am not too tolerant of young children. Friends say that when it happens it all falls into place, but I am with Mar in that I don't want to feel obligated to look after GC all the time

    Our neighbors are in their late 70's and look after their young grandsons approx 3 and 5 (second family for DD) most days, but appear not to be able to cope, just chuck em in the garden to play, the eldest one picks mercilessly on the younger one, with no input from the grandparents, so all we hear is the yelling and crying. Our neighbors are such a lovely couple, but I can't stand their grandchildren, sorry but it's true
    Note to self - STOP SPENDING MONEY !!
    • Floss
    • By Floss 9th Aug 18, 12:18 PM
    • 4,902 Posts
    • 45,671 Thanks
    Our boys are 30 & 32, grandchildren more likely from DS2 & DDiL but either way, I'd be pushed to provide child care as they live in London & DS1 in Leeds...we will be the ones they will be brought to visit for a few days in the holidays.
    I've always said what my mum said to me: "your children, you sort the child care, I did my bit with you". Harsh, but in these days of scattered families the only real answer. If they lived locally and had kids then maybe it would be different.
    • mardatha
    • By mardatha 9th Aug 18, 12:26 PM
    • 15,385 Posts
    • 149,809 Thanks
    I'm ok with wee babies, and with school age children for short periods - I like teaching them bits and pieces about history etc. But not babysitting regularly and never ever nursery age
    • Cheapskate
    • By Cheapskate 9th Aug 18, 12:43 PM
    • 1,655 Posts
    • 20,389 Thanks
    We have 2 DGS, one is 12 and lives in our town, the other nearly 4 and about 1/2 hour drive away, but we see very little of them - not through our doing. DiL went back to work after DgS12, even though she wasn't going to, we weren't in a position to help as I was heavily pregnant with DS who's now 11. DiL's mum has essentially taken over much of their life, but they let her and then moan to me! She does spoil DgS in many ways, which grates with DS, but DiL lets her mum do it! We love to see him, but it's only ever at family dos. DD's a SAHM, but still we see little of her lad. I feel sad about the situation, although I always made it clear that I'd have them in an emergency but not as regular childcare - maybe that's my fault?

    A xo
    Feb GC 0.00/300
    Decluttering 174/2019 items this year
    • fuddle
    • By fuddle 9th Aug 18, 12:59 PM
    • 6,670 Posts
    • 102,024 Thanks
    I don't think it's your fault at all. DH and I never burdoned with our kids. The offer was never there and we never asked. We've been irked that MiL allows herself to be put upon and that DHs sister takes advantage of her nature but now we're through the other side we can see that the gran/dranddaugher relationship has been skewed. It's a weird relationship they have. It's like mother/daughter but without the respect element. They argue like a married couple, tired of each other.

    For me, the thought of having Mil or even my Mam healthy and OK, parenting my children isn't a good thought. That's my role, my influences and my teachings. I'm glad I've never got into that kind of scenario. What made Mil choose to help her daughter and not us lingers like the elephant in the room. That's more damaging than an outright refusal.

    I would help my children out, because I want to help my children out but having my own chidlers made me lose my patience for working in Primary Schools. The thought of being retirement age or there abouts being Mam again is a horrid thought, I have to be honest, especially as I've seen how it can effect the real proper grandparent/grandchildren bond. I'd love to baby sit, I'd positively looooooove to babysit! but anything more although I would really want to help my girls if they were stuck. I see trouble ahead
    Be like a tree.
    Stay grounded. Connect with your roots. Turn over a new leaf.
    Bend before you break. Enjoy your natural beauty. Keep growing.
    • VJsmum
    • By VJsmum 9th Aug 18, 1:14 PM
    • 5,466 Posts
    • 80,308 Thanks
    We didn't have the option either - my parents were too far away and too ill and MiL worked for the first few years of DD's life and then moved away. Very occasionally she would step in - in an absolute emergency but i can recall only one or two times (i.e. when i had an overseas trip to make). We were fortunate enough to earn a salary that meant childcare was affordable, and the kids went to a childminder 2 days a week. Also, being a lecturer was fairly flexible - if not actually in the classroom I was ok to work at home.

    My kids rank themselves on the 'grandchild' scale with MiL. She has 6 grandchildren in three lots - boy, girl; girl, boy (my two); girl, boy - now aged 30, 28, 22, 19, 16, 14. My DS (19) is fairly high up the grandchild scale as he drives her about a bit and visits her for a pub meal. he was top grandson for a bit, but now the 30 year old's wife is pregnant so thinks he might have dropped. Top grandchild will always and forever be my niece (28)... especially since she gave birth to the great-grandchild... DD reckons she will forever be at the bottom as she finds MiL difficult. Mild racism and sexism doesn't sit well with her...
    I wanna be in the room where it happens
    • Floss
    • By Floss 9th Aug 18, 1:42 PM
    • 4,902 Posts
    • 45,671 Thanks
    When I had the boys my parents were both still working, but ex-inlaws (outlaws?) were both early retired...They helped out but only when my p/t hours & ex's shifts clashed and at half-terms. By the time I was full time ex was at uni and when we split up the boys were old enough to leave & have grandparents "pop in", a bit like JackieO does on the Daily
    • MrsLurcherwalker
    • By MrsLurcherwalker 9th Aug 18, 2:25 PM
    • 13,003 Posts
    • 179,567 Thanks
    All my grandparents on both sides were dead before I was born and although my dad had one brother and my mum had three brothers and two sisters I only met a few of them a couple of times when I was very young, the exception was the aunt who reluctantly had me forced on her as a four year old when my mother was hospitalised for a year with tuberculosis. Pillar to post among aunt and her friends and unwanted by any of them I still remember it!

    My girls saw their maternal grandad and his second wife and saw both paternal grandparents and got on well with both sets until they started secondary school when the paternals decided they didn't like children at all and rather withdrew.

    My grandpickles are the delight of my life, they are loved by us and their paternal grandparents in equal measure I can't get enough of them but even I have to admit that living at this distance from them and only seeing them for any time at all when they are ill and my DD needs cover is sometimes a little tiring, physically and mentally but I go when I'm needed and love the boys just the same. I would like more of them in my life much more often and that's why we're moving, bring it on!
    Thumpers mum was right - if you can't find anything nice to say don't say anything at all!
    • maryb
    • By maryb 9th Aug 18, 3:02 PM
    • 3,970 Posts
    • 49,323 Thanks
    I want a grandbaby!! No sign of any moves in that direction from either of the DDs Just as well in DD2's case as she hasn't finished her Masters yet let alone got a job or her own place
    It doesn't matter if you are a glass half full or half empty sort of person. Keep it topped up! Cheers!
    • ivyleaf
    • By ivyleaf 9th Aug 18, 3:43 PM
    • 5,996 Posts
    • 65,151 Thanks
    We certainly couldn't look after our DGC every day as some grandparents seem to! But DD2 only asks us when she's stuck. We have them after school now and then, just for a couple of hours until their mum gets home, when their dad is working.
    I don't particularly like other people's children either, I can never think of anything to talk to them about, yet I've produced 2 daughters who both enjoy working with children. Oh, and the grandchildren don't count as "other people's children" , I can usually find plenty to say to them
    • LameWolf
    • By LameWolf 9th Aug 18, 4:51 PM
    • 10,932 Posts
    • 120,228 Thanks
    Well, I would happily look after a dozen dogs if asked to do so, but I will not look after children. I know my limitations, and it would be unfair on both me and the poor unfortunate child.
    If your dog thinks you're the best, don't seek a second opinion.
    • MrsLurcherwalker
    • By MrsLurcherwalker 9th Aug 18, 5:01 PM
    • 13,003 Posts
    • 179,567 Thanks
    Dogs though Wolfy are an altogether different thing and best experienced in large numbers, Oh all that licking and ear scratching and being leaned on and the ecstatic licking of noses while having a backy skritch! heaven on earth for the lucky human in the middle! I was there yesterday morning when I walked with Maisie and mum, we met a very exuberant staffie who was walking with a wolfhound cross lurcher and a small chiuaua (spelling?) , were joined by 2 border collies, one on a lead and one off, spaniels came to say hello, on their own goodness knows where mum was but they were very nice and Maisie too. doesn't get any better than that!
    Thumpers mum was right - if you can't find anything nice to say don't say anything at all!
Welcome to our new Forum!

Our aim is to save you money quickly and easily. We hope you like it!

Forum Team Contact us

Live Stats

1,858Posts Today

7,012Users online

Martin's Twitter