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    • Knit Witch
    • By Knit Witch 18th Jul 17, 8:29 PM
    • 3,429Posts
    • 31,296Thanks
    Knit Witch
    The Garden Fence - proper Old Style support and chat!
    • #1
    • 18th Jul 17, 8:29 PM
    The Garden Fence - proper Old Style support and chat! 18th Jul 17 at 8:29 PM
    As threads are going walkabout I thought I would start the next stage of this off - I will try and do the links later!
    V3ry - 389.60
Page 235
    • fuddle
    • By fuddle 9th Mar 18, 1:22 PM
    • 6,310 Posts
    • 96,371 Thanks
    I just sank. The ladies above said all I feel. Please can I use the word throttle again??

    NM maybe the time has come for you to do what you need to do for you. To know DS is shouting at you makes me very cross and actually worried for you. Not that he'd physically hurt you, no, but mentally effecting you, your stress levels, your ability to cope and to be able to fight your illness.

    NM you mentioned a few days back that DS is only really the one that you have in your life, or words to that effect. I've probably picked it up wrong but if by moving into sheltered accommodation means DS leaves you then I don't have the words to say.

    I hope, hope, hope that non of this upsets you. We're all just wanting the best for you and as your friends take it as a permission giving if you like, if you need it. Kind of like 'well the ladies don't think I'm being selfish' etc etc.

    I just want you ok NM. Xx
    Please don't judge my story by the chapter that you walked in on.
    • nursemaggie
    • By nursemaggie 9th Mar 18, 1:31 PM
    • 2,188 Posts
    • 28,845 Thanks
    I have tried it goes no where we are only moving for him. It only became for me when the neighbours from hell arrived.

    What am I going to do when I can't look after myself any more. I can't reason with him. I keep telling him I get up feeling like he does at the end of the day. I am not believed I am just lazy and do not care about him. He says I am being selfish and I don't want him. He is now sulking just like mum used to do.

    He says it is too late now. Polly
    Last edited by nursemaggie; 09-03-2018 at 1:53 PM.
    • Floss
    • By Floss 9th Mar 18, 2:01 PM
    • 4,513 Posts
    • 40,347 Thanks
    NM ask your Macmillan contact to help you find sheltered housing for you - if DS says it is too late then make your life your own. You need somewhere you can put your washing & bins out, to sit in the sunshine & watch the rain peacefully without stress and noisy neighbours xx
    • ivyleaf
    • By ivyleaf 9th Mar 18, 2:08 PM
    • 5,437 Posts
    • 58,105 Thanks
    NM I'm sorry, but DS needs to grow a pair and behave like an adult if he wishes to be treated like one.

    Everyone who works in a physical job can have busy times and come home tired. He isn't the only one in Bolton!

    If he wants a better home nearer to work, he has to make an effort to help find it. Has he offered to use a days holiday to go on viewings with you? Or asked his boss for a Saturday off to go then? If he won't then personally I would go without him and go for the house you feel best suits both, as much as is possible.

    If he is still shouting at you after this weekend I would consider a quick flight to Malta...and IMHO I think you should look for a sheltered flat for yourself and let him sort himself out. At least then he won't be shouting at his elderly, sick mother
    Originally posted by Floss
    nm, I have to agree with this! xx

    pollyanna I forgot to say that yes, i would have been living here when you came to the Red House! We've been here for nearly 35 years, ever since OH left the army.
    • nannywindow
    • By nannywindow 9th Mar 18, 2:10 PM
    • 740 Posts
    • 9,930 Thanks
    NM I cannot believe your son would treat you like that. How dare he ! You have looked after him and treated him with respect and now the boot is on the other foot, he sounds like a petulant child to me. Time for you to be putting yourself first, second and third. Apologies to you if I'm speaking out of turn here.
    nan xx
    Failure is simply the opportunity to begin again, but this time more intelligently
    • MrsLurcherwalker
    • By MrsLurcherwalker 9th Mar 18, 2:42 PM
    • 11,708 Posts
    • 162,694 Thanks
    NM perhaps the time has come to actually put your needs ahead of his? I know you love him and as mum would move heaven and earth to accommodate his needs and wishes if that were possible, unfortunately there is then real life where compromises have to be made to find acceptable and not idealistic. You always seem to come bottom of the pile lovey and have to deal with the fallout on your own and it feels wrong for you to be in that position. Perhaps if you like this house enough he can choose to either come and live there with you or find something of his own more to his liking in the area of his choice. The stress in your life reads as almost unbearable for you and I hope it's not presumptuous to say we all would like life to be happier and gentler for YOU! I suspect that DS would very quickly realise what his life lacked should he decide not to come with you on the move but strike out on his own. It sometimes needs a life 'object lesson' to change attitudes and make our so loved offspring realise we're only human too and also just how much you do for them!
    Thumpers mum was right - if you can't find anything nice to say don't say anything at all!
    • nursemaggie
    • By nursemaggie 9th Mar 18, 2:53 PM
    • 2,188 Posts
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    The only sheltered housing that is available is flats about six stories high. The are at a crossroads of the busiest roads in Bolton. The traffic is there 24/7. I suspect there is no lift and there are always several vacancies there. I really don't want to move in there.

    He had agreed he would stay with me until I die as there is no one else to take care of me. I could not stand living with DD, she is bossy and she is the only person in the world who know how to do anything. Exactly like her father. She also uses emotional blackmail like her father.

    It took me 10 years to pluck up the courage to get out of it because he also belittled me and I thought I was as useless as he said. DD does it too and her husband,They totally deny it of course because they are perfect. I go to see my grandson. I am not well enough for the flight.

    I also need to sort out iSupply, and I did not get my pension from work for December and January. February's was only back pay for a rise that I am wondering if we got it last year. They are accusing me of not telling them where I live or that I moved from Sussex and did not tell them. It's all a big mess. I did tell them I am just not sure letters ever leave the post office in Bolton.

    I do not want any more stress. I don't feel well enough to cope with what I already have.
    • nursemaggie
    • By nursemaggie 9th Mar 18, 2:58 PM
    • 2,188 Posts
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    Thank you lyn I can't do that. For one I could not pay the rent on my own and two the council would not be allowed to give me any housing benefit because, on my own I am only allowed a 1 bed flat or a bedsit. It is a crime to be poor so I have to do as I am told.
    Last edited by nursemaggie; 09-03-2018 at 3:05 PM.
    • VJsmum
    • By VJsmum 9th Mar 18, 3:01 PM
    • 5,145 Posts
    • 75,671 Thanks
    NM I am so worried about you... I think we all are.

    Re Macmillan - can you not ask them to speak to DS. Obviously there is something going on with him, maybe they could 'counsel' him regarding your needs. Maybe he is afraid of what the "looking after me until i die" means for him? That would be totally normal as a reaction. I would be afraid too, if i were in his shoes, of the physical and emotional impact of that. COuld he be afraid of what the future holds, so he is burying his head? Because, as awful as the flat is, dealing with that means he doesn't have to deal with the 'what if'. Does he have anyone he can speak to? he isn't very old really (in his twenties?) and that is quite young to be dealing with this - so he is lashing out.

    Doesn't excuse his behaviour of course, but might explain it a little.
    You're out with a friend in the capital, I'm a thousand leagues under the sea
    You're hovering worriedly over your eggs, And I'm pondering trees
    I'm wandering long, And I'm pondering trees
    For you and me
    Guy Garvey
    • MrsLurcherwalker
    • By MrsLurcherwalker 9th Mar 18, 3:03 PM
    • 11,708 Posts
    • 162,694 Thanks
    Life is harsh pet, I can only wish you a better deal in it by whatever means it's obtainable, know that we all care and wish for much better things in yours xxx.
    Thumpers mum was right - if you can't find anything nice to say don't say anything at all!
    • nursemaggie
    • By nursemaggie 9th Mar 18, 3:09 PM
    • 2,188 Posts
    • 28,845 Thanks
    No VJsmum They are not allowed to do that without his permission. I have asked him several times but he says no. He wont even read a booklet aimed at close relatives of someone with cancer.
    • nursemaggie
    • By nursemaggie 9th Mar 18, 3:15 PM
    • 2,188 Posts
    • 28,845 Thanks
    How about this for a survey?
    1. Which of the following best describes what language is spoken in your household?


    2. How many children do you have under the age of 18?


    3. Are you of Hispanic, Latino or Spanish origin?


    It has not printed the boxes to tick. What ever the answers I ticked were it made them angry. I got thrown off the site. I do wish survey companies would use coders who had progressed beyond Kindergarten!

    I hope you all get a good laugh. I did copy and paste it back to them because only IT will be able to see anything wrong. Support are usually not mature enough for kindergarten.
    • monnagran
    • By monnagran 9th Mar 18, 6:26 PM
    • 3,688 Posts
    • 48,775 Thanks
    nm it sounds as though your DS is out of his depth and in denial. You are between a rock and a hard place just now. I know that you need your DS's wage to make a move possible and that you cannot really face the future alone. I totally get that, your circumstances are truly terrible and you would do almost anything to move on.
    Twenty something aged children are selfish, there is no kinder way of putting it, but they don't have the maturity to stand in someone else's shoes and see life though someone else's eyes. It is all about them.
    I imagine that deep down he does want to move but the logistics and summoning up the energy to deal with what has to be done is beyond him.
    Would it be possible to look at places on your own and present him with a fait accomplis. If he continues to drag his feet perhaps saying that in future you will be looking at one bedroom places and he can make his own arrangements, may concentrate his mind somewhat.

    You just have to get out of there nm, I think we will all have a breakdown if this goes on much longer.
    I feel for you, and I feel for him. He is young, he is tired and he is scared of the future he sees and his mum is ill and needs him. He probably doesn't want to be needed by his mum, he feels it is all the wrong way round.

    Heaven's gates are battered to bits with the storm they are getting from me. I wish that I could do something more practical.

    I believe that friends are quiet angels
    Who lift us to our feet when our wings
    Have trouble remembering how to fly.
    • MMF007
    • By MMF007 9th Mar 18, 6:31 PM
    • 1,234 Posts
    • 27,749 Thanks
    Yep, Monna is spot on as usual.

    I heard a brilliant quote from the late Trevor Baylis today:

    "I don't mind people looking down on me but they mustn't expect me to look up to them."

    Love it!
    Last edited by MMF007; 09-03-2018 at 6:53 PM.
    I have changed my work-life balance to a life-work balance.
    • mardatha
    • By mardatha 9th Mar 18, 6:41 PM
    • 14,823 Posts
    • 141,462 Thanks
    Fuddle and anybody else interested in nutrition and/or old fashioned eating - take a read at this, it's fascinating:
    • westcoastscot
    • By westcoastscot 9th Mar 18, 6:59 PM
    • 1,385 Posts
    • 17,108 Thanks
    really interesting Mar, and totally agree - when we crofted I worked much harder and ate more, but all home grown and seasonal. I was significantly more healthy and my weight and muscle tone were better, just through daily life.
    NM nothing more to add, but am sending positive vibes for a good outcome
    • pollyanna 26
    • By pollyanna 26 9th Mar 18, 7:51 PM
    • 2,127 Posts
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    pollyanna 26
    I'll have a look at that in a bit mar . Not been home long but at least getting home in the daylight with the days beginning to stretch out .

    WCS I've just remembered I forgot to reply to your post a day or two ago . Been trying to catch up on a few pages I'd missed .
    I'm glad things are a bit easier now you have a better balance by working from home , reducing the hours and not having those journeys to work battling the elements .
    DD is the most positive I've ever known her since getting the correct mh diagnosis . Earlier today she spent her usual hour with the well chosen new counseller at the surgery and it's going well . Challenging but productive .
    The MTX is still doing it's job on the pSa . We can see some joint distortion but nowhere near the level I had by my thirties .Less spending days in the bathroom afterwards . That aspect isn't predictable . She's had a lot of infections and flares over the past two years but the fibro combination seems to worsen that .
    So by and large doctor in a million has worked his socks off weekly instead of fortnightly when needed . He's been the driving force and has made the impossible happen , Special place in our hearts for life
    As I posted a few days ago she's coming back in our own trust for Rheumo so hopefully no more calcification , repeated Barbotage etc and Dr can stop firefighting and breathe .
    I hope all is well with the family and you get more time to do the things you love . When the daylight comes wave to the Loch for me , Still miss the Lochs and Mountains .
    Take care
    polly xxx
    • pollyanna 26
    • By pollyanna 26 9th Mar 18, 9:00 PM
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    pollyanna 26
    NM I 've just written half a post and lost it midway . Reading through the posts since I went out this morning it looks to me that your son is struggling as much as you are .
    You've mentioned your mum , husband , dd " like her dad " and her husband also being of the same mind as her .
    Whether from seeing these situations play out or listening to you as you seem to speak frankly to him , your son will have absorbed things which colour his perception of life .
    When my toxic ex was here my children had little idea of what was happening until I went to court and he was gone . Growing up they asked questions but will never know the brutal truth .
    His ideal of a high end house with a garage is a hopeful wish which a child would have imagining a perfect life with no stress and worry .
    He initiated a move before you felt the need also due to the noise .He's looking for perfect and perfect doesn't exist .
    When you speak of him agreeing to look after you that suggests you asked him to. That is a scary prospect for someone in either their 20s or 30s I can never remember his age but am aware he has struggled in other ways . At his age that will be his future mapped out and a big commitment .
    I may be the only person thinking this way but I would never ask that of my children . I've lived my life and they need to live theirs by choice . I cared for family members willingly but with the freedom to choose to do it that .
    As you say everything is a mess at the moment with too much to sort . The choice you have if your son will not engage in finding a house is to stay in the present unbearable situation or look into supported housing for yourself . I know you don't want to live in another flat but the point has come where you need to save yourself .
    You've tried to accommodate your sons wishes so your choice now is to stay where you are or look deeper into supported housing . I know you feel there are negatives to the flats you mentioned . I'm not sure if they are social housing or private rental . If they were at any time local authority the odds are they will have a lift . Just take a look .
    This will keep going round in circles unless one of you sorts something .
    • Softstuff
    • By Softstuff 9th Mar 18, 9:29 PM
    • 2,867 Posts
    • 32,147 Thanks
    Nursemaggie, I'm with those who suggest you pick the place, and he will most likely grumble, but come along. He's not being fair to you at all, as I see it, you've been his servant and housemaid. Yes, he's tired due to work, but I've worked physical jobs with 80 hour weeks and if I'd treated my husband like he treats you, he would have left me and been right to do so.

    Still pooped here. Mildly depressed too. Made the not insignificant mistake of getting a correct weight and fat% measurement at the pharmacy It already felt like I was at the start of a long road.... it just feels now like the road I'm on is to the first base at Everest and I have to actually climb the !!!!!!! Anyways. Onwards and er... onwards.
    Softstuff- Officially better than 007
    • pollyanna 26
    • By pollyanna 26 9th Mar 18, 9:41 PM
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    pollyanna 26
    I'm sorry to hear you still aren't feeling too good Softstuff . Are you managing better sleep yet ? All I can say is the longest journey starts with a single step ( sorry )
    I miss waking in the morning to the banter between yourself and monna while we all slept . Between you not feeling too good and poor monna being run ragged by Millie the Minx i suppose it will be a while before those chats resume .
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