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Results: Should I be expected to pay for things for my partners house that we share?

Yes, as I live there too

86.36% • 38 votes

Yes, but only if she puts your name in the title deeds

2.27% • 1 votes

No, not if she agrees to pay you back if you split

6.82% • 3 votes

No, it's her house why should you pay for her to profit

15.91% • 7 votes

You may not vote on this poll

44 votes in total.

    • koumas1
    • By koumas1 13th Jul 17, 8:52 PM
    • 11Posts
    • 0Thanks
    Home Ownership / Partner's Rights
    • #1
    • 13th Jul 17, 8:52 PM
    Home Ownership / Partner's Rights 13th Jul 17 at 8:52 PM
    I have been with my partner for 4 years now, since we first met working abroad. We quit our jobs and returned to the UK with the aim of settling down and getting our own place. In order to help us afford a home we moved in with my partners parents as this was the only way we could realistically save money to find a place.
    My partner is very much financially driven and will often go without any luxuries in order to achieve a financial aim, often to my annoyance that she won't treat us to nights out etc because she doesn't want to waste money etc. I on the other hand like to enjoy life now as well as plan for the future and feel we deserve to enjoy life whilst we can and as a result my savings or contributions towards the house has hardly increased in the past 4 years.
    My partner's parents have been kind enough to look after us for 2 years but I want a space of our own and a place to call ours, I have been very pushy towards this as my partner would rather save more money towards the deposit but I think we need a house now - she had save 100k (which is more than enough).
    My partner has since purchased a house using the 100k she saved but wouldn't put my name on the house as I haven't been able to contribute anything towards the deposit. I want to have my name on the house and I have told her that I do not feel like this house is ours as it is in her name - it's her house.
    She has reassured me that it is our house and that it will always be considered as such. We are now in a position where there are various things that need to be done to renovate the home such as a complete new bathroom and the lounge and bedrooms need a modest over haul too. We still need a new TV, washing machine, cooker etc.
    My partner has asked me to help with paying for some of the work that will need to be done which will go into about 3,000 for all the work that will need to be done.
    I don't want to pay anything towards the house because although we have been together for 4 years if we were to split then I wouldn't have any of that money. My partner has also asked that if I can't pay for refurbishments if I could buy things like the telly or washing machine etc but again I don't want to buy these as I would have no way to keep such big items as I would have to move back to my parents or somewhere else if we split.
    I have told her that I will pay for things for the house but only if she puts my name on the house, otherwise I think it's unfair for her to expect me to pay for anything as I will have nothing to show for it if we split. Her reasons for not putting my name on the house is that she doesn't feel financially secure with putting my name on the house because my financial spending is more spontaneous than hers and because in the 4 years I haven't been able to make any savings.
    I think she is being unreasonable expecting me to pay for upgrades to the house or big ticket items as I will lose out. I will be happy to share our bills equally but if she wants to make lavish upgrades or posh items such as TV's etc she shouldn't expect me to pay for them.
    What do you think? Is she being unreasonable?
Page 3
    • koumas1
    • By koumas1 14th Jul 17, 8:00 PM
    • 11 Posts
    • 0 Thanks
    I'm not trying to show any attitude - I am trying to understand people's view point and I am being totally honest about my role in this so as to get open and honest opinions from people totally impartial!
    The bathroom is the original bathroom suite (fitted circa 1970) as far as far as it's concerned it works but 40yrs worth of use has left it rather undesirable. It's not compulsory that it's changed - just like most of the other jobs that need doing - it's largely the same interior that was built from the very beginning.
    It can wait I've told her that but until it's done - see thinks it's hardly a home you can be proud of - she wants to be able to invited all our friends and have an "open" house were everyone is welcome and be very social with the house - the original decor doesn't give off that welcome feel.
    • Geoff1963
    • By Geoff1963 15th Jul 17, 12:39 AM
    • 1,055 Posts
    • 682 Thanks
    I am reminded of the man who complained that his wife was unfair, in criticising him for never buying her anything. "Last week, for instance", he said, "I bought her a new ironing board".

    The OP might not have any money saved up ; but the only reason I can imagine his partner puts up with him, is that he has a huge endowment.
    • Debtslayer
    • By Debtslayer 15th Jul 17, 7:02 AM
    • 433 Posts
    • 624 Thanks
    How can you say it has taken a long time "years in fact" when you have only been together for four and a half years and only been back in the U.K. and looking to save and buy a house for two years? Two years is no time at all, even the house purchase would have taken 3-6 months so between 1/8 to 1/4 of the time you have been looking. What it really boils down to is you were not too bothered and were just ****ing your money away while she worked hard and saved. She has now bought a house which is hers and she wants to keep that secure and I really don't blame her for that. I can't quite believe that in the four years you've saved nothing, not enough to even slightly contribute to her buying even as just a 10% stake yet you want the house to be part yours.

    I also agree with her about improvements to a certain extent, you will also benefit from them, maybe not pay a huge amount in but a contribution would be reasonable. As would her suggestion of you buying some of the furniture and appliances, there's nothing to stop you taking them if you leave.

    It really does sound like you are being incredibly selfish and only seeing this in terms of what you are or should be "owed", have you actually considered it from her point of view at all? She has a feeloader living with her who is reluctant to help out with anything financially but wants to be added to the deeds of the house she has worked and saved for. She must be questioning your commitment to both her and the relationship, or questioning if she really wants to spend the rest of her life wth someone with the attitude you have shown on here.
    Originally posted by Fosterdog
    Very well said
    Your partner sounds very sensible apart from the fact she is still with you!
    If I were you I'd be very grateful she's put up with you for this long. Not contributing anything financially but squandering your own mo eh while she pays for everything!!
    You need to show her you're committed by stopping your spending everything ways, contributing financially a regular amount each month and then once you've shown her you can do this sit down and have the talk about the house etc. But your girlfriend has every right to protect everything she has put in and paid and continues to pay so should retain the majority share of the property.
    Where would you be living if she wasn't daft enough to put up with you? You'd have to be paying rent of bills or would you be living with your parents rent free?!
    I think if you are serious about being with your girlfriend you need to show her that and if I were you I'd be quick about if before she comes to her senses and gets rid
    Current Mortgage 01.10.17 113,513.88
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    MFW No 124
    • dlmcr
    • By dlmcr 15th Jul 17, 7:50 AM
    • 146 Posts
    • 184 Thanks
    You sound very submissive in this relationship with comments like "what she wants", and describing how you waited for her to find her perfect house..
    I think you two should sit down and talk about your long term future and ideally come to the conclusion that you are not suited to each other in terms of personality and what you want out of life and should go your seperate ways. I'm another one that agrees that your girlfriend is much more clued up than you and I think you need to also have a long hard think about where you yourself are going in life - comments like "I don't care" is not what your girlfriend wants to hear, she most likely wants a man who is able to take control and make decisisons not be wishy washy on the topic and unable to contribute even one penny of deposit money for a house.
    • jimbog
    • By jimbog 15th Jul 17, 8:11 AM
    • 680 Posts
    • 1,098 Thanks
    She wanted to find "the perfect home" a good catchment area - good schools etc........ I on the other hand would have been happy with anywhere just as long as it was ours - I didn't care.
    Originally posted by koumas1
    In case it hasn't dawned on you she will be wanting children soon.

    You have shown a lack of commitment.

    She has chosen to buy a house in her own name...

    You see where i'm going with this?
    Last edited by jimbog; 15-07-2017 at 8:15 AM.
    The problem with quotations on the internet is that you can never verify their authenticity - Abraham Lincoln
    • FBaby
    • By FBaby 15th Jul 17, 8:37 AM
    • 16,678 Posts
    • 41,264 Thanks
    My point is I'm prepared to contribute and pay my way if I have some security - her point is that I haven't provided her with any security in 4 years and she does want to risk her financial security should I not pay my half of the bargain - she would rather know that the mortgage etc is paid cus she's paying it and that my financial spending will never compromise the house.
    You've summed the situation in these words. Yet you don't seem to be able to read the message she is sending you.

    She offered you to join her in her aspiration to become a home owner. She saved (and therefore made sacrifices), you decided you wanted to enjoy your life and didn't. She accepted you are you are and didn't impose her aspirations on you (which already shows quite some respect for you).

    You were fine with it, until she got her reward for her sacrifices, and all in a sudden, you have a tantrum because you feel you should be entitled to the reward too, your argument being that if you'd know what the reward was going to be like, you too would have made the sacrifices. The reward wasn't hidden, you were free to share the vision, you decided not to.

    Still, somehow she loves you and enjoys your company and is happy for you to share her life, rent free. You've obviously been crying to her about how you wished you'd done things differently and saved to. She is NOW given you the opportunity to show that you are in it with her in terms of investment by being prepared to put some of your money into it so that you can prove to her that you are committed which would give her the reassurance that it is ok for her to share her reward with you.

    Yet you are doing exactly the opposite, once again reacting like a kid who somehow thinks he deserves the reward before putting the effort in. You are not getting it. It's like having an argument with a 5 year old kid when you tell him that he can have his favourite dessert after he's eaten his greens and the kid has a tantrum and says, unless you give me the desert now, I won't eat my greens.

    Your partner sounds as mature as you sound immature. Still, you must be great in every other way since she does sound committed to you. Maybe she is still hoping that you will change.

    One thing that really puzzles me is what you've spent all the money on that you could have saved as surely, a lot of your everyday spend is on things you normally share with your partner. So is it a case that you paid for things for her too (nights out, expensive holidays, gym membership etc...) or did you spend all that money on yourself only in which case, you must live quite separate lives anyway.
    Last edited by FBaby; 15-07-2017 at 8:41 AM.
    • koumas1
    • By koumas1 15th Jul 17, 8:57 AM
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    • 0 Thanks
    I am certainly not saying who is right or wrong by any means I am just trying to find a middle ground / a compromise with how my partner and I can move forward together.
    I have been earning just above minimum wage whereas my partner has a more favourable income.
    Neither of us are dependant on each other financially - we both typically spend our money on ourselves - we share things like treating each other to holidays and gifts, things like that but before the house purchase neither of us had any real financial commitments other than rent to her parents (which was very low).
    I don't seek to be looked after financially and I will contribute my share at all times I just don't want to be in a position in a year or 2 and we split for whatever reason and I'm left with nothing
    • gycraig
    • By gycraig 15th Jul 17, 9:13 AM
    • 431 Posts
    • 315 Thanks
    I feel this may not be as one sided as is being put across.

    When she was saving the 100k what was op spending money on. Iv seen relationships where the man is expected to pay for holidays meals out etc while the wife saves her money and buys nice cars etc.

    Only way to give a fair answer is to know what you blew your money on. Also what's the income difference ? As I feel people wouldn't be so hard if a woman earning 16k a year hadn't earnt a deposit while partner earning 80k a year did.
    • gycraig
    • By gycraig 15th Jul 17, 9:17 AM
    • 431 Posts
    • 315 Thanks
    why should you get anything out without putting anything in. Saving exactly 0 pounds after 2 years rent free is completely childish and you shouldn't gain from her
    Me and partner did the same with her parents and managed to save 15K in a year, you knew she was saving for a house so surely you could of contributed something.

    Considering you are still living rent free have you saved anything ?
    • FBaby
    • By FBaby 15th Jul 17, 9:21 AM
    • 16,678 Posts
    • 41,264 Thanks
    You will be left with nothing if you put nothing in.

    You've got different ways to approach this. Continue as current, she pays all the mortgage, which means a saving for you each month that you would otherwise put towards rent. You can spend it or save it. If you save it, you would have that to invest for your own benefit in a few years time, and that would be yours only if you split up. That would be fair.

    Or, you start contributing towards her costs. You could agree that it is rent for some times and agree that if all is still well in the relationship say in 6 months time, she agrees that that money becomes contribution towards the mortgage and she puts your name down, protecting what she's already put in. You agree to split the solicitors costs.

    Or you continue not to pay rent/mortgage, but start to contribute towards minor maintenance/comfort, showing your financial commitment as she currently seems to be asking.

    Really, nothing can tell you what is fair/unfair, right/wrong. You need to talk to each other and agree to what is right for both of you and then stick to it.
    • d0nkeyk0ng
    • By d0nkeyk0ng 15th Jul 17, 9:39 AM
    • 537 Posts
    • 204 Thanks
    Minimum wage at 25 is 7.50/hr
    Assuming 37.5hr/wk as full time of at least 35hrs/wk for 48 weeks a year gives an annual salary of 12600, which breaks down to a monthly take home of just under 1000/mth.

    So let's say you spent just under half that for general expenditure , after two years you should saved 12000. That's what you could have contributed. At the very least.
    • leespot
    • By leespot 15th Jul 17, 10:06 AM
    • 542 Posts
    • 436 Thanks
    You need to understand that you are not entitled to anything. You have put nothing in.

    She bought the house, if she wants a new bathroom then she should pay for it. Your logic is flawed - a 5 year old (looked after) bathroom will not depreciate in the same way as a car.

    We're renovating at the moment and pay roughly 250 for a 15x15 room to be decorated (painted) . If you pay out for something like that, you still shouldn't expect a share of the house or any equity in it. You've lived for 2 years on minimal rent at her parents - grow up and give a little back.
    • LadyL2013
    • By LadyL2013 15th Jul 17, 12:27 PM
    • 157 Posts
    • 120 Thanks
    This is honestly ridiculous. If you paid for a car but she is a passenger should she be entitled to half the car? You are a passenger at this pount. Start contributing financially for stuff you use or expect to be out on your rear end. If you don't like it then perhaps start saving for a deposit for a house that you both buy but at this point you sound entitled.
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