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    • Scorpio33
    • By Scorpio33 24th Apr 17, 11:50 AM
    • 506Posts
    • 727Thanks
    Scorpio33
    Wife doesn't love me anymore
    • #1
    • 24th Apr 17, 11:50 AM
    Wife doesn't love me anymore 24th Apr 17 at 11:50 AM
    Hello.

    I'm 37, married with 2 kids.

    Last year, I was having a bad time with work, I was difficult to live with and my relationship was suffering due to the job. I ended up quitting my job and was in counselling for a while. I finished the counselling and since the turn of the year, things have been getting a lot better, I have been a lot happier and my wife and are are talking a lot more and things with my wife have improved... until last weekend.

    We went round a friends house had a fantastic time (the best time I think we have had in ages), but when we got home (Gone midnight), my wife told me she didn't love me. She said she hasn't loved me for a long time, since before we were married and she only stayed with me as she knew I was her only chance of having kids and she wanted kids. She also said that i'm her best friend but there is no romantic attraction there. I said to her that I want her to be happy, even if that means splitting up and she said she didn't want to split up. She wants to stay. I Love her with all my heart and would do anything for her.

    I am doing ok, but this is a big emotional blow and I really don't know how to move forward and how to "fix" this. I feel a bit lost again.

    I suggested counselling, and she is against that idea.

    I guess that now she said what she did, I can see how our relationship has not been good for a while for a variety of reasons (IVF, redundancy, career issues, new kids etc), and I can see how there are issues in the relationship that need working on. We need more intimacy together and I think I am now in a position to improve things, but I don't know how.

    I think I am still in emotional shock about it all and I am worried that my wife has emotionally checked out and this is just the beginning of the end. The thing is I can't change who I am and I want us both to be happy. I really Love her, she makes me happy just by being herself. I want to improve things and I don't know how.

    The thing is, if I suggest more date nights, I do more housework and look after the kids more, is that me doing it just because she said something. As in, once things are better, I will revert to type and be myself again, only to disappoint her again? I can't believe that I am even talking about such issues in our relationship, as I never thought for a million years that things were that bad. To me, it is just part of life that all relationships have there ups and downs and we do need more ups, but that to me never meant that any Love was lost.

    I feel confused, sad, lost and just don't know what to do.
Page 11
    • PeacefulWaters
    • By PeacefulWaters 16th Nov 17, 2:02 PM
    • 8,318 Posts
    • 10,664 Thanks
    PeacefulWaters
    You will find a way.

    There may be a feeling of injustice, but I found getting out and starting again (as a lodger) remarkably refreshing.
    • gettingtheresometime
    • By gettingtheresometime 16th Nov 17, 2:05 PM
    • 3,825 Posts
    • 9,685 Thanks
    gettingtheresometime
    Yep, I meant 30% CGT.

    I may be getting ahead of myself, but even if we agreed split custody, neither of us can afford to move out to a 3 bed place. With 2 kids we would need a 3 bed house. Also with kids, it would need to be within the catchment of the school (like we currently are). So to minimise disruption, one of us stays in the house and that would be her. That is what the courts would say.
    So I am being punished for a choice she is making. I am losing an investment (the house), familiar surroundings no to mention the costs associated with moving.

    As I earn more, I would pay her for the kids (even though our costs would be equal). That gives her more cash to spend as she wishes, meaning she would be better off than I would.
    Originally posted by Scorpio33
    Why would it be have to be the woman that stays? If you want to be the main carer and stay in the house then for goodness sake fight for it. I'm not saying that by fighting for it, it would definitely happen but there's a strong chance of that being the case if you do.
    Lloyds OD / Natwest OD / PO CC / Wescott / Argos Card cleared thanks to the 1 debt v 100 day challenge


    Next on the list - JD Williams
    • Primrose
    • By Primrose 16th Nov 17, 2:12 PM
    • 8,120 Posts
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    Primrose
    I don!!!8217;t know how practical this is but I would absolutely refuse to be the one who moves out, at least in the short term. There must be divorced couples who live under the same roof for a long time, and if your emlllyer will allow you to reduce your hours, joint custody ought to be possible

    Don't automatically take the !!!8220;husband has to move out!!!8221; route. If you let your wife know it,s not going to happen she may be forced to change the way she plans her future. You have a perfect right to stay in your own home. Can the bedrooms be allocated in such a way that you have your own space and privacy.?

    Frankly I think you need a very tough solicitor and need to show that you're Not going to allow a drug user to push you around and wreck your life, even if you still love her
    Last edited by Primrose; 16-11-2017 at 2:15 PM.
    • Comms69
    • By Comms69 16th Nov 17, 2:15 PM
    • 2,990 Posts
    • 2,947 Thanks
    Comms69
    Yep, I meant 30% CGT. - That's 30%, less personal allowance, on the profit made. It wont be anywhere near 30%

    I may be getting ahead of myself, but even if we agreed split custody, neither of us can afford to move out to a 3 bed place. - I don't know your area, but locally a 3 bed house is £500-600 a month, fairly affordable. With 2 kids we would need a 3 bed house. - not necessarily, age and gender dependant. Also with kids, it would need to be within the catchment of the school (like we currently are). - Once you're in, you're in, moving away a few miles wont make a difference. So to minimise disruption, one of us stays in the house and that would be her. That is what the courts would say. - You literally don't know that
    So I am being punished for a choice she is making. - sort of I am losing an investment (the house) - no you still own a share of the house , familiar surroundings - how far out would you have to move? no to mention the costs associated with moving. - its a one off, and typically a few hundred pounds

    As I earn more, I would pay her for the kids - says who? (even though our costs would be equal). That gives her more cash to spend as she wishes, meaning she would be better off than I would.
    Originally posted by Scorpio33


    If you split contact, why would you pay anything?


    And if you're paying child maintenance, that sum is meant to cover half of ALL the costs involved. I can tell you now, unless you earn millions, it wont come close.
    • FBaby
    • By FBaby 16th Nov 17, 2:41 PM
    • 16,838 Posts
    • 41,558 Thanks
    FBaby
    Scorpio, this is why you need advice from a solicitor. The old position of 'the wife stays in the marital home whilst the husbands get to move out, and has to wait until the youngest kids is 18' is not set in stone any longer.
    It very much depends on the situation.

    A court won't care much about you or your wife but will consider start at a 50/50 of everything, unless this impacts negatively on the kids.

    If the situation is that your wife is earning a decent income, that would allow her with the equity of the sale of this house, to buy another reasonable house in a reasonable area, so that your kids would not be significantly affected, then it is not unlikely at all that the judge would order the sale of the house.
    • Gloomendoom
    • By Gloomendoom 16th Nov 17, 2:43 PM
    • 14,422 Posts
    • 19,347 Thanks
    Gloomendoom
    Don't automatically take the “husband has to move out” route. If you let your wife know it,s not going to happen she may be forced to change the way she plans her future. You have a perfect right to stay in your own home. Can the bedrooms be allocated in such a way that you have your own space and privacy.?
    Originally posted by Primrose
    My ex-wife asked me to move out. I said no. It stumped her a bit because she also thought that when a marriage breaks down, the husband automatically has to move out.

    I can't say that both of us living in the same house was ideal though.
    Never argue with stupid people, they will drag you down to their level and then beat you with experience.” - Mark Twain
    • Scorpio33
    • By Scorpio33 16th Nov 17, 3:07 PM
    • 506 Posts
    • 727 Thanks
    Scorpio33
    My ex-wife asked me to move out. I said no. It stumped her a bit because she also thought that when a marriage breaks down, the husband automatically has to move out.

    I can't say that both of us living in the same house was ideal though.
    Originally posted by Gloomendoom
    What happened eventually? Did one of your move out once you met someone new?
    • Archergirl
    • By Archergirl 16th Nov 17, 4:44 PM
    • 1,168 Posts
    • 668 Thanks
    Archergirl
    OK Scorpio you want it to be amicable, it can be (if she lets it) but it needs to be truthful.
    Start documenting her drug use (I would have hoped you have done so already but I doubt it) Do you think the courts would give sole custody to a junkie?
    You started this thread in April, just think how far along you would be now if you had taken the advise right from the start, you need to grow a pair and get rid of her she is using you as well as drugs.
    Please come back and tell us you are going to do this, you have so many people willing you on and hoping that you can get on with your life as we know you can have a better one than you have right now xx
    • PeacefulWaters
    • By PeacefulWaters 16th Nov 17, 6:43 PM
    • 8,318 Posts
    • 10,664 Thanks
    PeacefulWaters
    The Wikivorce site can feel helpful.

    I listed all the things that were concerning me around financial settlement and kids and paid £200 for an hour with a solicitor. That gave me the basis of answers for everything.

    The ex was surprisingly compliant in agreeing a DIY divorce and settlement with minimal costs.
    • Sarastro
    • By Sarastro 27th Nov 17, 11:07 PM
    • 396 Posts
    • 342 Thanks
    Sarastro
    Bless you sweetheart, you sound like such a gentle soul. I don't know how to advise you, you both sounds like you have had more than your fair share of difficult things. I can only say, be brave and be honest.
    • Rachel24
    • By Rachel24 28th Dec 17, 11:41 PM
    • 165 Posts
    • 610 Thanks
    Rachel24
    Hi Scorpio, I read your post and just wondered how you are getting on? Hope things are improving for you.
    • Scorpio33
    • By Scorpio33 17th May 18, 11:36 AM
    • 506 Posts
    • 727 Thanks
    Scorpio33
    Hi Scorpio, I read your post and just wondered how you are getting on? Hope things are improving for you.
    Originally posted by Rachel24
    Update:
    - House is on the market Splitting the equity 50/50 once sold.
    - Splitting kids time equally once we move out
    - I'm being made redundant
    - Due to redundancy and her not earning enough, both looking to go into rented (at least short term)
    - I'm in counselling for depression and anxiety

    So yeah, things not improved yet, hopefully once the house is sold things will get better.
    • Primrose
    • By Primrose 17th May 18, 12:05 PM
    • 8,120 Posts
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    Primrose
    I am sorry that you are having such a rough time. Your redundancy must have added to an already difficult situation and must be making life hard for you. I hope a new job comes along soon.


    Its hard to feel positive when all the cards seem to be stacked against you but I hope longer term you will be able to look back on this part of your life and see it as a difficult period which you were able to get through and be able to move on. Good luck for the future!
    • mbmonty
    • By mbmonty 17th May 18, 12:32 PM
    • 110 Posts
    • 64 Thanks
    mbmonty
    Considering that this situation is mostly her dumping you because you would not give her acceptance of her drug habit and her using you like a doormat for years which means she can't respect you, it seems somewhat unfair.

    Reading back I can see you were given good advice from over a year ago but you failed to grasp it.

    Redundancy is an opportunity for a new start.

    I am glad you have agreed to 50/50 on the kids, hopefully you will both agree to never denigrate each other to the kids no matter what, nor to argue in their earshot.

    The one thing I think you should both reconsider is the house.

    Renting the house will be in both of your interests, not only will you be able to pay off the Mortgage faster but you will have a higher value asset to sell later. Make sure you do it propertly, visit the Landlord forums for advice, mostly it is insurance, tenant referening, boiler insurance and protecting their deposit that are the most important, oh an do not leave them anything more than a Fridge freezer and cooker or they will expect you to replace when they break them (use freecycle).

    You need to both move out ASAP, get yourself into something, it does not matter what and get that place rented on the basis that all income goes to the mortgage and overheads of renting. Treat it like a business, remove the emotion from it.

    You need to reinvent yourself, you may need to study something while you are off work, get yourself a girlfriend or just some new friends, do some volunteering for local charities, see that there are many people worse off than you.



    Update:
    - House is on the market Splitting the equity 50/50 once sold.
    - Splitting kids time equally once we move out
    - I'm being made redundant
    - Due to redundancy and her not earning enough, both looking to go into rented (at least short term)
    - I'm in counselling for depression and anxiety

    So yeah, things not improved yet, hopefully once the house is sold things will get better.
    Originally posted by Scorpio33
    • Mojisola
    • By Mojisola 17th May 18, 12:41 PM
    • 29,493 Posts
    • 75,264 Thanks
    Mojisola
    The one thing I think you should both reconsider is the house.

    Renting the house will be in both of your interests
    Originally posted by mbmonty
    It sounds as if they might both need to claim help with their own rent - they won't get that if they own a property that they are renting out.
    • mbmonty
    • By mbmonty 17th May 18, 1:29 PM
    • 110 Posts
    • 64 Thanks
    mbmonty
    Well they can find a way to not need the "help"

    He talks of renting for the time being, so clearly has aspirations to buy again.

    It is all about having a goal, if you keep the house and rent it out it will help your credit when buying another.

    Everyone I have spoken to who has sold their property regrets it, many have never been able to get back on the property ladder.

    A friend of mine lives as a lodger, has his property let out and puts all spare cash he can into mortgage, it is the best way to save.

    Granted in this situation there are two parties but both need to realise that it is better they put themselves on sure footing and rent so that the property can be worth something proper for them both.

    At some point one party may want to buy the other out.
    • BrassicWoman
    • By BrassicWoman 17th May 18, 1:53 PM
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    BrassicWoman
    renting = another tie to someone you don't want to be tied to

    IMO tough enough managing round the kids without adding more grenades

    Not every good decision has to be financially good!
    Jan 18 grocery challenge £105.13/ £150
    • mbmonty
    • By mbmonty 17th May 18, 2:49 PM
    • 110 Posts
    • 64 Thanks
    mbmonty
    Not every good decision has to be financially good!
    Originally posted by BrassicWoman
    Some irony coming from someone calling themself "BrassicWoman"

    They will both end up Brassic if they sell up NOW, they need to take the emotion out of it and make it an joint investment.
    • Primrose
    • By Primrose 17th May 18, 3:04 PM
    • 8,120 Posts
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    Primrose
    I,m another one who would probably recommend renting your house out to pay off more of the mortgage provided you can ensure that none of the rental income can be accessed for your wife's drug use. Mortgage interest rates are still low at the moment and the more you can pay off now while property prices are appreciating the more equity you will hopefully have later on to get back into the housing market.

    If you come out of the housing market now, in five years time perhaps the gap will have increased to a point where you cant ever afford to buy back in. If you rent your house out now, every month which passes will at least be keeping you with a foot on an ever rising equity ladder as the mortgage slowly gets paid off.

    I realise the pressure of redundancy may be putting pressure on you to take a short term financial view but is there any way your mortgage provider will temporarily extend the mortgage term or let you have a short term interest only mortgage until you can find employment again? In the long term this may prove to be a much better financial deal for you.
    • NaughtiusMaximus
    • By NaughtiusMaximus 17th May 18, 3:18 PM
    • 800 Posts
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    NaughtiusMaximus
    Some irony coming from someone calling themself "BrassicWoman"

    They will both end up Brassic if they sell up NOW, they need to take the emotion out of it and make it an joint investment.
    Originally posted by mbmonty
    Selective quoting there, BW's post in it's entirety is sound advice:

    renting = another tie to someone you don't want to be tied to

    IMO tough enough managing round the kids without adding more grenades


    Not every good decision has to be financially good!
    Originally posted by BrassicWoman
    If I was in the OPs position I definitely wouldn't want to further complicate an already difficult seperation by entering into a business partnership with my ex. Being in negative equity is the only situation where I would even consider this but the OP has already stated this isn't the case (they'll split the equity 50/50).
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