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    • LottieLou
    • By LottieLou 9th Mar 17, 11:13 AM
    • 172Posts
    • 274Thanks
    Family drama, 30 & pregnant.
    • #1
    • 9th Mar 17, 11:13 AM
    Family drama, 30 & pregnant. 9th Mar 17 at 11:13 AM
    Morning everyone,

    I'm really hoping for a bit of perspective on this situation. I was 30 yesterday, and I am pregnant. I'm not generally big on birthdays, I like a chill day and that's that. So what I had planned was an early evening meal with a few close family and my partner.

    My younger sibling told me she was working. Fair enough, it's a weekday & I can't expect everyone to be able to come. She only had to work 2 days this week and had self rostered onto my birthday because she wanted to work on wednesday. She has no other commitments - children, partner etc. A tad rude I thought, not something I would do personally, but again brushed it off thinking she doesn't have to come if she can't or doesn't want to.

    (Abit of background: A few months she had an attempted overdose following a break up, and took herself to hospital. She had rang a crisis line, so they alerted the police who told us. My parents and I spent hours looking for her. By the afternoon she had taken herself to hospital. I've dropped everything for her whenever she has needed, I was having persistent pains and some bleeding but carried on searching for her. Supported my parents, I've been there so much I was admitted for exhaustion, my partner was furious with my family but is good at biting his tongue. She has since been treating my parents really rudely, but outwardly appears 'ok', inwardly I know she's very angry).

    Fast forward to yesterday, I booked a table (country pub that gets busy). Then come the texts that they (my parents) haven't told my sister she isn't eating with us. I reassured them she was aware and when the table was booked for. Which is after she would be home from work anyway, so if she wants to she can come.

    But I knew what was coming, so I let emotions get the better of me and got upset (in private). I knew the meal wasn't going to happen. I told them I was upset with the situation, that on my 30th birthday I had spent all day waiting for a returned text or call. A text came later on to say could it be rearranged for next week, followed by phone calls I didn't answer. I felt so let down, a meal in a pub isn't too much to ask especially when you are 30.

    Did I over react?! I left it a few hours and rang my mum (I feel like a child saying all this). To let her know how hurt I was, I told her I had to ring because otherwise the way I was feeling, I wouldn't be speaking to them for a long time. I couldn't speak for sobbing.

    She came round to speak to me, give me cards etc all of which I sent her home with and said the time with the family would have ment so much more to me. I don't need gifts or cards. My sister really wasn't bothered, she had ordered herself a chinese.

    I on the other hand had spent 5 hours crying, and not eaten since breakfast. I keep telling myself I am over emotional due to pregnancy, but I am struggling because I would never have treated any member of my family in the same way.

    I need to move past this now, but have woken up this morning still upset over it. Any words of wisdom? (please be kind)
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    • tensandunits
    • By tensandunits 10th Mar 17, 2:24 PM
    • 813 Posts
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    I'm still not clear what actually happened. Did the meal go ahead or not? Who turned up? Who didn't turn up? Who said they would come and didn't?
    Originally posted by onlyroz
    Me neither, but it sounds to me like the meal didn't go ahead. Did the parents cancel because the sister wasn't going, or something along those lines?
    • takman
    • By takman 10th Mar 17, 2:47 PM
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    From the way I have read the OP's post it sounds like the OP just started crying and getting upset because she thought there was going to be family problems.

    Her mother then said it would probably be a good idea to reschedule the meal. (Which I'm not surprised because the OP was getting upset over nothing and acting like a child). The OP then ignored many calls from her parents and sent her mum away when she came round to see her.

    So the OP caused the problem by acting like a child and if she had not started crying over nothing and actually spoke to her parents then the meal would have gone ahead as planned.
    • *Robin*
    • By *Robin* 10th Mar 17, 3:10 PM
    • 3,252 Posts
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    I'm still not clear what actually happened. Did the meal go ahead or not? Who turned up? Who didn't turn up? Who said they would come and didn't?
    Originally posted by onlyroz
    Best guess:
    1. Parents wanted to see OP on her birthday; table was booked for a meal & sister informed / invited.
    2. Sister subsequently chose to put herself on her work roster for that day, which apparently meant she couldn't join the family at this meal despite finishing work before the appointed time.
    3. Parents realised sister wouldn't be attending, and cancelled at very short notice (possibly out of concern for sister's mental health).
    4. OP threw a pregnancy-hormone induced wobbler when Mum then brought her cards and gifts to OP's home.

    I'm sure OP's Mum realises how much hormones are affecting her pregnant daughter, and will be understanding of OP's outburst.

    The sister taking an overdose in a hospital car-park after calling a crisis 'phone-line is pretty obviously a cry for help rather than a determined attempt to end her life.

    We don't know whether Sister is now getting the support from MH services she needs; probably not given the general pressure on the NHS, and her parents still having to "tread on eggshells" with Sister months after the distressing event.

    My heart is with the parents, being tugged one way and another at their time in life; very upsetting.
    OP, when you're feeling better yourself, could you support your parents as much as possible (ensuring Sister's GP is aware of her continuing fragility, she has access to a community MH care nurse, etc)?
    Last edited by *Robin*; 10-03-2017 at 3:15 PM.
    • Happier Me
    • By Happier Me 10th Mar 17, 6:45 PM
    • 425 Posts
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    Happier Me
    Hi OP

    Although I hope I am never in this situation, I would choose my possibly suicidal, mentally ill adult child over a birthday meal with the other every time and hope the other has the sense to put things into perspective.

    Forgive your mum and dad, they're in an impossible situation. No it's not much to ask that they attend a meal, but maybe this just needs a bit more planning given the current circumstances.

    And finally, don't underestimate just how much pregnancy hormones can affect you. I couldn't get through a child's version of Beauty and the Beast, without sobbing uncontrollably, during my second pregnancy.
    • DigForVictory
    • By DigForVictory 10th Mar 17, 7:51 PM
    • 7,587 Posts
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    Ye Gods, I remember pregnancy hormones. I had absolutely no control over whether I was sweet & excited, shattered &/or a screaming shrew, yet my husband stuck around.

    Having an unwell sister - oh yes, got that T shirt, and it's [hm, wanders through the thesaurus & ends up with] "difficult". Mostly for your parents, so be as sweet as you can manage for them. After all, sis dumps on them first, yes?

    Finally, last birthday without childcare issues. This can be rearranged. You may even want to get to the solidly blooming, if not full on ungainly, before you risk another party, but mend fences with family. After all, your little one may persuade sis to hang on in there to see what the whole Aunt business is like. Plus your parents are trying to cope with the idea they are old enough to be grandparents! Plenty of drama still to come. Pace yourself!
    • thorsoak
    • By thorsoak 11th Mar 17, 12:20 PM
    • 5,616 Posts
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    What I see here are two sisters, both behaving like children - and parents who don't really know how to treat them.

    This is how I'm reading it - sister - (older or younger - not sure) upset because she is not in the limelight because of OP's pregnancy - so throws hissy fit - an overdose in a hospital carpark is hardly a deliberate suicide attempt. I do appreciate that this is a harsh way of looking at it - and that many may disagree with me.

    Then we come to the OP - who is expecting her first child, and also her parents' first grandchild - and she too anticipates that the limelight should be upon her - and all of sudden it's not. :-(

    OP and sister - you both need to talk - you are both grown women and your parents are no doubt worried sick about the pair of you. Sister is probably jealous that you are pregnant, not you, and you are undoubtedly hormonal.
    • frugalmacdugal
    • By frugalmacdugal 12th Mar 17, 6:40 AM
    • 6,219 Posts
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    looking forward to the update on the baby's christening bash.
    Y'all take care now.
    • gycraig
    • By gycraig 12th Mar 17, 11:27 AM
    • 428 Posts
    • 315 Thanks
    Personally I don't think one day a year is to much to ask for we celebrate all birthdays in my family and despite what each have been going through the core family will always attend.

    Sounds more like you have been excluded due to your sister needing more attention and this was the straw.

    If the sister is working anyway I can't understand what difference it makes whether your parents go or not
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