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    • Litchielou
    • By Litchielou 21st Jan 17, 4:35 PM
    • 133Posts
    • 626Thanks
    Litchielou
    Other thread opened my eyes
    • #1
    • 21st Jan 17, 4:35 PM
    Other thread opened my eyes 21st Jan 17 at 4:35 PM
    I have just read a thread 'don't like my kids' this has made me realise that I dislike my
    Mother, she always seems to make more of an effort with my 2 brothers children and grandchildren yet my brother's don't visit. It may seem as though I'm only thinking of money
    But when she buys mine a present its usually second hand or if new either cheap and or unsuitable for there ages. The others get the most beautiful gifts or money.
    I visit every week, can only manage 2-3 hours. When I'm there she is not interested in anything I do or she criticizes what I say. Never visits my house asked her to come for Xmas dinner and turned me down. Funny enough she loves my husband. And the number of friends she has is unbelievable.
    I had a very difficult relationship with my late dad. She stood by and watched a lot of unpleasant
    Events happen.
    She is now ill and it's me that is the running around no sign of brothers or even their wifes taking her to the hospital.
    I will carry on going I don't know why but feel as though I should.
    My husband the love of my life thinks that I should stop seeing her as we don't need her negativety in our lives. He says I'm too soft hearted.
    Sorry for the rant but this was my lightbulb moment.
    I know families are all different.
    PS I get on so well with my brothers and families. They don't like her either so that's why they don't visit.
    This post I'm sure is a rambling mix up but don't want to start again or might not repost.
    Thanks for reading
Page 17
    • PinkMonster
    • By PinkMonster 3rd Jan 18, 3:12 AM
    • 12 Posts
    • 64 Thanks
    PinkMonster
    Hi Lessonlearned -

    I'm glad the probate and all that went quickly, if not smoothly for you. I'm still waiting.

    It went to court in Canada on May 23 - sister didn't tell me for a month. there is a wait of 6 months to see if anyone wants to fight the will, then another 30 days to show accounts to the beneficiaries and disburse. Of course, this hasn't happened - it should have been done by dec 25.

    Supposedly the property and probate in Las Vegas (worth very little) is still in probate there so it can't be finalised in Canada until then. and no communication from this sister until i contact her and tell her I know what's supposed to be happening and why isnt' it?

    So until that happens, I won't have the accounts sent to me or know what is in the estate to share 5 ways. In the meantime, we dont' have a car, the oven sounds like a jet engine about to take off, our carpet is almost past threadbare, we need a new fence, the bathroom and kitchen have had it... you get the idea. Hubby had his tooth out without any problems and has decided not to get a denture, at least for now.

    I've been busy enough with my business over Christmas that we've been able to have a nice Christmas, buy some new shoes and clothes that hubby and I needed, and pay off a little more on the credit card.

    As for my sister and her husband, I don't expect that we will see them again. The business they both work for is going out of business (large canadian dept store that's been run into the ground over the last 10 years) - he was supposed to have lost his job in Oct. but hasn't, he's now shutting down another store after shutting down the one he managed. They were supposed to come out to the UK in Sept after going to the orphanage in the Ukraine they spend all year fundraising for with their church but as he 'was out of a job' they didn't. The last time they were here was when son was 4 1/2. But they go to the Ukraine just about every year. Hey ho.

    (I'm up and responding now because the storm woke me up, the rain on our windows sounding like rocks were being thrown at them.)
    • lessonlearned
    • By lessonlearned 3rd Jan 18, 10:32 AM
    • 9,954 Posts
    • 62,112 Thanks
    lessonlearned
    Hi pink......

    Sounds like you!!!8217;ve an awful lot on your plate......these things take an age don!!!8217;t they and they are so draining.

    Hope all goes well in the end for you. Sounds like you could do with some good news.

    All the best. X
    • PinkMonster
    • By PinkMonster 3rd Jan 18, 10:44 AM
    • 12 Posts
    • 64 Thanks
    PinkMonster
    We are both just frustrated at how long she is taking - and I can't ask her what's in the estate, or what she has done with all the stuff my mother accumulated over 80 years. I do know she had 7 full size jewellery boxes full of fine jewellery - gold and gemstones. What's happened to it, I don't know. Everyone in my family are taught too well to keep secrets - "never tell anyone that something's wrong". Or deal with family openly.

    I have a savings account maturing in March, so a car will be sorted once that happens, but there won't be enough for the house stuff that needs doing as well.
    • PinkMonster
    • By PinkMonster 27th Jan 18, 10:35 PM
    • 12 Posts
    • 64 Thanks
    PinkMonster
    And yet another non-update update. Still nothing from that sister at all. She even called today to wish my son a happy birthday and then didn't talk to me at all, she hung up before he could pass the phone to me. I have now emailed a local-to-her lawyer to see what they say.

    However, what I suspect has happened is that my mother signed over everything to 1/all 3 of them to leave nothing in the estate to split 5 ways and give my twin and I a fair share of the estate as stated in the will. One last mind game/power play from my mother. Divide and conquer and teach the non-compliant, non-kow towing, rebel daughters what's what.

    I no longer expect anything else from the estate than what I got - the embroidery I made mum years ago and a box of son's gifts to her along with assorted rubbish.
    • monnagran
    • By monnagran 27th Jan 18, 11:03 PM
    • 3,672 Posts
    • 48,574 Thanks
    monnagran
    PinkMonster, The money goodies will be distributed, the money will be spent and in a short time it will all have disappeared. Everything will either have gone or be gathering dust or cost a small fortune to house and insure.

    Your character and self reliance will be an asset to you and your family for as long as you draw breath.

    I know who will get the better deal.
    I believe that friends are quiet angels
    Who lift us to our feet when our wings
    Have trouble remembering how to fly.
    • PinkMonster
    • By PinkMonster 27th Jan 18, 11:18 PM
    • 12 Posts
    • 64 Thanks
    PinkMonster
    Monnagran, in about 5 years it may feel that way but right now, it's just another way my mother tried/s to control everyone in the family and my sisters just go right along with it like they have always done. i dont' care how much is/was/should have been in the estate, just whether or not it was/is/has been divided equally among the 5. And I hate being strung along.
    • monnagran
    • By monnagran 28th Jan 18, 9:23 AM
    • 3,672 Posts
    • 48,574 Thanks
    monnagran
    PinkMonster, I do know what you mean. Injustice in any situation is the one thing that makes my blood boil.

    All I can suggest is that you take a deep breath and a long mental step backwards.

    Now, close your eyes and mentally take yourself on a magic carpet to one of the furthest stars in the galaxy. From your vantage point on your star, gaze at this tiny little earth, millions of billions of miles away. Imagine if you can its inhabitants scurrying around like ants with all their joys, sorrows, triumphs and tragedies occupying their tiny minds. Just observe them with kindness and amusement. When you feel fully relaxed open your eyes and see if everything still feels so important to you.
    I believe that friends are quiet angels
    Who lift us to our feet when our wings
    Have trouble remembering how to fly.
    • Laura_Elsewhere
    • By Laura_Elsewhere 10th Feb 18, 8:15 PM
    • 95 Posts
    • 724 Thanks
    Laura_Elsewhere
    I will carry on not for a medal or even inheritance (I am not expecting anything) but when she is gone I will know I've tried and that will make me feel better.
    Originally posted by Litchielou
    That imo is the most important thing.

    I've got two family things that relate to this - on a minor level, my Gran alternated between which son was perfect, depending NOT on who was doing most for her but on the opposite! Whichever son was nearer and doing things for her, that was the son who couldn't be bothered. The absent son, oh my, how the heart grew fonder!
    Once we realised that we found it really funny... I loved Gran dearly - I often refer to myself as having been partly brought up by my grandparents because I was so unusually close to them. But she was by no means perfect...!

    the other thing is that I had an older sister who was almost certainly undiagnosed/untreated Narcissistic Personality Disorder. I won't go into too many details, but after her death at 48 from alcoholic liver failure I had a year of very intense deep therapy, and it changed my world beyond description.
    I moved hundreds of miles away from my wildly-dysfunctional family. I visit several times a year, but still have nightmares for weeks in advance, during and after visits. I do love the family I still have, but they re not healthy for me, as they all still live in the ways that allowed my sister's behaviour to control all of us from her early childhood onwards, in the way you describe your mother doing. An ability to somehow end up every time with people doing things the way she wanted.

    From nearly five years' distance, looking back on everything, I would say the single most important thing is your own reasons for running after her. If it means you get to walk away form her funeral thinking, "well, what a sad and bitter old woman she was - but at least I know that I was fair and kind to a troubled soul" and - crucially - if that is what matters to you, then it means you are halfway to having a good healthy detachment.
    I would definitely recommend looking into therapy. It might be simpler, since her time is limited, to think about it after she's gone. I had had counselling over the years and it didn't help much, because the cause was never tackled - ime counselling helps you keep going, but therapy is what actually identifies the cause and works on stopping it from continuing. I had one year, and it gave me enough of a new life to start again, with a good man who loves me and is proud of me.

    It shocked me when I first thought it in half-formed words, and it took me a good year to be able to say it to even my closest friends, but five years on, I can honestly say that my sister's death was a terrible thing, but for me it gave me my freedom.
    • Laura_Elsewhere
    • By Laura_Elsewhere 10th Feb 18, 8:16 PM
    • 95 Posts
    • 724 Thanks
    Laura_Elsewhere
    Today I met with my sister to scatter dads ashes. It's finished, my last "daughter duty" is complete. The atmosphere was strained but polite. It was the first time we have met since dads funeral. I shall be perfectly happy if it's the last.

    Onwards and upwards....my new stress free life, free from family discord and turmoil, starts today.

    Free at last.
    Originally posted by lessonlearned
    I won't re-type it, but immediately above this is a longer post from me - I am another who has a life in two halves, first 45 years with a sister, then the rest of it, free, without her...
    • PinkMonster
    • By PinkMonster 29th Mar 18, 10:34 AM
    • 12 Posts
    • 64 Thanks
    PinkMonster
    And.... another non-update.

    I got a response from the lawyer in Canada - she actually has a year to sort out the estate, or at least that's how long it's reasonable to wait. I emailed the US paralegal about what was happening there to find that my sister had lied to me - the probate had been finalised the week before I emailed sister and was told she was waiting for the US probate. This was all in Feb. I've waited 6-7 weeks with no reply or info.

    The lawyer also said that there was something called 'a resulting trust' - where A gives something of value to B and doesnt' get anything back, whatever A gave to B can be considered part of A's estate. However I suspect that to prove that I'd have to take them to court. So.... I wait a little longer. After Easter I'm going to decide whether just to contact her again, or get a lawyer to send her a letter, just to get this all done with.

    (the saving account I thought was done in March is actually finished in Oct. so still waiting.)
    • lessonlearned
    • By lessonlearned 29th Mar 18, 2:34 PM
    • 9,954 Posts
    • 62,112 Thanks
    lessonlearned
    Hi Pink......

    Sorry I did not reply to you back in January. I went on a long sea voyage......literally. I went on a 6 week trip to the Amazon and the Caribbean. One off bucket list.

    Thanks for the update. These things do rumble on. I bet you will be glad when it is all over and you can put everything behind you.

    For me - well life is now on an even keel. I have not seen my sister in over a year. Do I care...... not one jot. I thought I would miss her. But I can truthfully say I do not. We text each other from time to time. We are polite and friendly. That will do for me.

    If we were to meet I think we could be happy enough in each otherís company for a couple of hours but I see no reason to force the issue and try to arrange a meetup. I am just playing it by ear.

    Whilst I have sort of forgiven her.....I will never forget. And I will never give her the opportunity to hurt me again.

    Pink.....just hang in there. One day it will all be over and then you will be able to draw a line under it all and be happy in your own skin.

    Yes it is deeply sad when sisters become estranged but sometimes it really is for the best. I never, in my wildest dreams, ever thought that my relationship with my sister would break down but it did.

    I learned that the best thing was just to walk away. I did think about suggesting a meet up to try and talk things through. I even wrote a letter but I tore it up.

    I decided she would never realise how badly she had behaved, how what she had done was illegal and that my silence saved her bacon. She would never appreciate just how much she had wronged me and how much she had hurt me.

    I decided to salvage my pride and walk away with dignity. It was the hardest lesson I have ever learned. A year later and I have a happy stress free life without her.

    These things have a habit of coming right in the end. Karma will repay.
    • lessonlearned
    • By lessonlearned 29th Mar 18, 2:37 PM
    • 9,954 Posts
    • 62,112 Thanks
    lessonlearned
    I won't re-type it, but immediately above this is a longer post from me - I am another who has a life in two halves, first 45 years with a sister, then the rest of it, free, without her...
    Originally posted by Laura_Elsewhere
    Just spotted this.....as I said to Pink I have been away.

    You are right, it is a life of two halves. It is sad that these estrangement happen but I guess sometimes we just have to cut our losses in order to be free of the heartache and pain.

    I am glad you have found a peaceful and stress free life.
    • PinkMonster
    • By PinkMonster 29th Mar 18, 2:45 PM
    • 12 Posts
    • 64 Thanks
    PinkMonster
    Lessonlearned, I hope you had a great time on your cruise. I suspect I'll never get to go on one, hubby thinks it sounds like the worst holiday ever.

    I have 4 sisters ( and 1 more + a brother but that's a different story). the one who is executrix is the only one I've spoken to since my son was 15 weeks old. My twin was, well, I want to say "dumped" but that's not quite right - when we were 19 after she stole $500 from me. She then blamed me for having it for her to steal and I told her she had to sort herself out before I'd have anything to do with her, and she never has. The next 2 went NC (no contact) after we visited Canada and I wasn't allowed to decide who saw my baby and was told I was unreasonable to expect my wishes and boundaries to be followed.

    So.... I sit and wait for her to do her job as executrix. ha ha ha....
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