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    • NerviousNellie
    • By NerviousNellie 5th Jan 17, 2:30 PM
    • 8Posts
    • 10Thanks
    Secret debt... How do I tell my Husband
    • #1
    • 5th Jan 17, 2:30 PM
    Secret debt... How do I tell my Husband 5th Jan 17 at 2:30 PM

    I don't really know what I am expecting writing on here, I just need to talk to someone before i completely break down.

    Basically I have been hiding a large amount of debt from my Husband, We have only been married 2 and a half years. I want to tell him more than anything but he is so against debt I am scared he will leave me.

    The debt is around 14,000 plus a 3000 overdraft. I cant even believe its that high. I have been ignoring it for years and simply making minimum payments and then using credit cards when I run out of money, but I finally decided to pull my head out my a** and see how bad it actually was. And now I wish I never had.

    I have always convinced myself that I can make the minimum payments without my OH knowing (they are about 340 a month all together ) and slowly pay off the debt. But I know now I have just been lying to myself to avoid the issue.

    He is the most amazing man and I know this would break him, he has dealt with so much this past year and deserves so much better than a wife who lies to him.

    I'm just really bad with my Money. When I left my ex 5 years ago I was left with 6 months worth of rent owed, all in my name because he wasn't on the rental agreement as he went bankrupt due to a gambling addiction while we were together. I got a payday loan out for that and then had to get out credit cards to cover the interest and it all just got too much for me to handle. I just got out a loan and put the rest on a credit card.

    I do have a store account with roughly 2000 on it... no excuses for that. I use it for xmas and birthdays when I can't afford things. And admittedly went through a period where i would by myself something using it and it would make me feel better, for about a week then I would do it again. I have controlled that now, I am sure as hell never buying myself anything again, its a temporary high, a new top or dress wont make me feel any better in the long run.

    It has only really hit me now because I keep putting off having a baby because of this. I have an ok paying job which covers my contribution towards all the bills and I buy all the food and it covers my minimum payments ... but if we have a baby I would only just be able to cover the payments. I want a baby so so bad, more than anything - and I know its all my fault that we cant have one. My OH is dying for a child, I cant believe I have wasted so much of his time.

    Just the other day he asked me if I had paid off my credit card (the one he knew about) and I just said yes .. He said he wants proof its cleared. Which I don't have as its not paid off at all.

    The worst part is he works in finance... and keeps trying to sit me down so we can do a budget plan as we have a few car loans and wedding loans to pay off.. plus some bits for the house we got on buy now pay later. His parents are great people, never a bad debt in their life... and constantly get at us about the debt we .. and they don't even know about mine! They will be so disappointed in me if they found out.

    My parents on the other hand have both been in debt and both have gone through bankruptcy.. my dad left when I was young and my mum couldn't afford the house on her own, even though she tried her best. I can still remember the bailiffs knocking on our door and my poor mum sat on the sofa crying because we had to move out. After that - growing up we never really talked about money. My step dad had a good job and my mum works but they never seem to have any money, I just never wanted to ask why.

    Anyway (sorry for rambling) All this debt is mine, I am not asking him for help to pay it. I am 25 and determined to be debt free by the time I am 30. I just cant pay it off if he doesn't know about it as he wont understand why I cant afford to do things. I just don't know how to tell him... I'm scared this will end our marriage. I just don't know what to do.

    Im sorry if this post is a bit all over the place, But its the first time I have written this down and my head is so scrambled right now!

    Any advise would be really appreciated, or if you have been in a similar situation I would love to know I am not on my own.
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    • angelpye
    • By angelpye 6th Mar 17, 12:07 PM
    • 988 Posts
    • 3,750 Thanks
    I think telling him sooner will mean he can process it all before the holiday and then the holiday will start with a new plan. There is never a good time to tell someone bad news. Good luck, with whatever you decide to do. The stress of it must be unbearable.
    Happiness is wanting what you have...
    Debt Jan 2017: 2589.22 DFD: Sept 2022 April 2022 but this Marching Minimalist can beat that!
    Use it or Loose it gym target: Feb'17 5/6 Mar 4/6
    EF 0/4200
    • kittykatneedscash
    • By kittykatneedscash 6th Mar 17, 1:07 PM
    • 55 Posts
    • 137 Thanks
    Hi NervousNellie you seem to be putting off the inevitable I don't want to sound harsh but you haven't found the right time to tell him in the last 8 weeks will there ever be a 'right' time? You have had 8 weeks of worry wondering and worrying how he will react if you've told him when you first posted who knows where you could be already, he can't support you unless he has the chance. He is probably worried as he knows there's somethings wrong and is likely to be jumping to all sort of conclusions. My advice is tell him as soon as you possibly can. I'm sure you will feel like there's a huge weight lifted that you are no longer keeping secrets from him and he may even be relieved if he knows why this is the reason you have been different. Good luck you have lots of support here
    • worriedDan
    • By worriedDan 7th Mar 17, 11:28 AM
    • 195 Posts
    • 615 Thanks

    You will feel better once you have spoken to him. I was in a similar position. My wife knew we had loads of debt but not the full extent. I have recently shared this with her and it;s been fine. She was actually more worried about me than how much we owe. Does you husband know that you have some debt, or will it be a total shock? You mentioned that you already have some debts with your husband? Are these significant debts and will you be able to service the total amount when you speak to him?
    • FoolishGirl
    • By FoolishGirl 15th Mar 17, 8:26 PM
    • 1 Posts
    • 2 Thanks
    Hey there. First time posting but your story really struck a chord with me. So I too have been rather stupid with credit cards & loans & I won't go in to it all now but my debt spiralled to 23000. I felt stuck between a rock & a hard place thinking that I had no way to solve the debt other than to tell my husband but that if I did tell him I was sure that he'd leave me. I was losing sleep and becoming more & more distant, it's all been made worse by the fact that he's great with money. To cut a long story short my husband found out about some of my debt last week and it ended up with me telling him about all of it. It wasn't easy, I cried my way through most of 48hrs & he felt incredibly angry & betrayed.

    I'm feeling shattered at the moment & I know that he is too. I'm so very lucky though that he wants to help me work through all this. He's already helped me sort a huge chunk of it out & I'm down to just over 16,000. He's worked through all the different ways to pay up the debt and we've used a snowball calculator to figure that if I pay at least a set amount each month I'll be free of it all in a maximum of 24months.

    I'm incredibly ashamed & embarrassed of my frivolous spending (mostly over 14 months of maternity leave) & he's been left feeling frustrated that I didn't tell him earlier along with being angry & hurt. However, he has said that we can work through this & he just wishes that I'd told him earlier.

    From one secret debtor to another...tell doesn't solve the issue but as the old adage states 'a problem shared is a problem halved' & it's such a relief. X
    • NerviousNellie
    • By NerviousNellie 21st Mar 17, 1:35 PM
    • 8 Posts
    • 10 Thanks
    Thank you so much for your advice, Its given me a bit of a confidence boost to tell him. Knowing that I am not the only one to have done this. I wish you the best of luck going forward
    • worriedDan
    • By worriedDan 21st Mar 17, 3:04 PM
    • 195 Posts
    • 615 Thanks
    Thank you so much for your advice, Its given me a bit of a confidence boost to tell him. Knowing that I am not the only one to have done this. I wish you the best of luck going forward
    Originally posted by NerviousNellie

    Hi Nellie,

    Do you think that he might already know that you have debt? I think you mentioned in an earlier post that he has some debt too, so hopefully he will understand how easy it is to get into.

    I don't regret opening up to my wife. I am still the one who sorts out the finances, but its great not having to worry about saying that we can't afford something or that we need to cut back a bit etc.

    You might find that he is not as shocked as you expect.
    • Hillwalker17
    • By Hillwalker17 21st Mar 17, 3:55 PM
    • 59 Posts
    • 129 Thanks
    Good Luck with all of it.

    Maybe it's time to post your debts so everyone can help you out with paying them off? The lovely people on here will probably save you money too on various things like interest, phone contracts and insurance. Someone will probably post a SOA link soon.
    Ex Gambling Addict - Last bet made on 15/03/2017 - 29 Days
    Slowly building an emergency fund - 1000/6000
    • csarina2
    • By csarina2 21st Mar 17, 4:06 PM
    • 2,017 Posts
    • 20,009 Thanks

    Please stop shilly shallying about and tell your husband, things will get worse before they get better, but you need his help to sort this out. He is already suspicious and that will only get worse, so do it!! Tell him!! No time is ever a good time.

    Sorry if this sounds harsh, but you need to get all this off your chest and work together to sort it out.
    • NerviousNellie
    • By NerviousNellie 13th Apr 17, 6:56 PM
    • 8 Posts
    • 10 Thanks
    I DID IT

    I cannot believe I told him, I wrote a long long (too long) letter telling him everything and planned to post it on my way home from work and then drive off and tell him to read it but he pulled up in the car just as I did it and I broke down and told him everything (through insane tears)

    I cannot believe it he gave me a huge hug and is obviously hurt I didn't tell him sooner but said it's only money and as long as I work hard to fix it we will
    Be ok.

    I cannot believe after so many years of deceit I can finally have an honest marriage to the most amazing man I certainly don't deserve.

    Thank you to everyone you were all so right I needed to fess up and be honest. Best thing I have ever done. We are going to sit and go through finances tomorrow but for now we are going to sit and have a glass of wine.

    Thanks again everyone x
    • Hillwalker17
    • By Hillwalker17 13th Apr 17, 7:25 PM
    • 59 Posts
    • 129 Thanks
    Well done NN.

    I'm glad your feeling better and he understood everything. It must be a relief. Good luck with moving forward.

    Ex Gambling Addict - Last bet made on 15/03/2017 - 29 Days
    Slowly building an emergency fund - 1000/6000
    • worriedDan
    • By worriedDan 13th Apr 17, 8:06 PM
    • 195 Posts
    • 615 Thanks
    So pleased to hear that you have told him and that he is supporting you. The relief is immense isn't it! I found that the stress of trying to keep it to myself was worse than the actual debt! Like your husband said, it's only money! Wishing you all the best with your debt free journey!
    • mummytogirls
    • By mummytogirls 13th Apr 17, 8:24 PM
    • 6,164 Posts
    • 22,548 Thanks
    Oh Nellie I've only just seen your thread, I wish I had seen it before.

    I too was hiding debt from my husband and I had to tell him 2 weeks before Christmas . I kept it from him as I was worried he would divorce me etc. I found it harder and harder trying to keep up with life and having to go along with expensive purchases as otherwise he would know as why couldn't we afford it! He was so sad for me, that id been dealing with it all myself. That night I had the best sleep and he didn't sleep well!

    There may well be times over the next couple of months where you have little arguments/disagreements but keep going.

    Im so glad you've told him xx
    Mummytogirls x

    23164.32 - 12/12/10
    5419.83 - 08/04/18 - 76.61% paid off
    • BOBS
    • By BOBS 14th Apr 17, 8:02 AM
    • 2,791 Posts
    • 2,127 Thanks
    Well done on telling him. You will feel so much better and be able to move forward on this.
    Big Hugs x
    • chevalier
    • By chevalier 16th Apr 17, 9:45 PM
    • 7,762 Posts
    • 18,042 Thanks
    So glad that you have told him.

    Now you need to do a joint budget that takes account of all of your debts, his, yours and your joint debt. So that all the bills are proportionate both to income and the debt owing. No point in one of you having loads of money when the other struggles to pay off everything.

    good luck with moving forward together
    I want a job that is less than an hour driving away from my house! Are you listening universe?
    • brizzledfw
    • By brizzledfw 17th Apr 17, 10:01 PM
    • 7,275 Posts
    • 35,701 Thanks
    Well done. Be proud and walk forward together xx
    MFiT-T4 Member No. 96 - 2022 is my MF goal
    Winter 17/18 Savings Rate Goal: 25% [October 30%]
    Declutter 60 items before 31.03.18 9/60 ** LSDs Target 10 for March 03/10 **AFDs 10/15 ** Sales/TCB Target 2018 25/500 NSDs Target 10 for March 02/10 Trying to be a Frugalista
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