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    • feeling sad
    • By feeling sad 20th Dec 16, 1:43 PM
    • 23Posts
    • 55Thanks
    feeling sad
    Husband has been texting another woman.
    • #1
    • 20th Dec 16, 1:43 PM
    Husband has been texting another woman. 20th Dec 16 at 1:43 PM
    Hello,

    I am new to posting here but have always be an avid reader on the threads. I really could do with some perspective on my situation that I am seriously struggling with.

    A bit of history, I have been with my husband for 9 years, married for 7. Both in our early 30's with three children. I would say we have a happy (with the usual woes) marriage and have moved into a new house this year.

    So a month ago I jumped into my husbands car as he had blocked mine in. I saw that he had left his work phone in there and I suddenly thought I hadn't seen it for a while. It made me feel worried as I have found out that he has messaged another woman a few years back and I have always felt a little paranoid about the possibility of it happening again. Anyway, I looked into his messages and instantly saw he had been chatting with a woman I didn't recognise the day before where he asked if she still wanted 'to talk' and that he missed 'talking to her' and they agreed to re-add each other on snapchat where the conversation continued. She had said she deleted him as she saw it was our wedding anniversary recently and she didn't want to intrude.

    I immediately flipped and threw him out. He initially blamed me for it (lack of attention etc) but also insisted they were only innocent texts and I was overreacting.

    I made contact with this woman who turned out to be a colleague from where they both worked in April 2016 and they became quite close. They were talking, texting, snap chatting mostly then, and in may when my husband changed jobs and they started chatting more as they weren't working together anymore. This was also the time when we were moving house and it was quite stressful for me. She told me she has a boyfriend and they talked about their relationships and what they didn't like about them, including him telling her there was no spark in our marriage anymore!! This woman is in her early 20's with no children.

    I have since logged into my husbands phone account and saw that he was phoning her on his way home from work, once when I was working a nightshift and twice on his way to work at 7am!!! They have both told me this was over a two or three week period where my husband then told her things were 'better' between us and he didn't want to talk on the telephone anymore (I had no idea that we weren't getting on). He admits he felt it had gone too far with the phone calls.

    However, they continued to snapchat and have done so over the last nine months on a very intermittent basis. She told me he would sometimes refer to her as 'gorgeous or beautiful' in his opening lines but also says he never took it anywhere beyond that, no sexual talking, plans on meeting up, although there were some exchanges of selfies with snapchat filters etc..

    She also told me of a time in the summer where my husband had a rant to her about our marriage again and they talked at length about it. Again, he didn't have this conversation with me. He is always so affectionate and attentive to me, we go out on lots of date nights and have a good sex life. I honestly thought I had the best marriage up until a month ago and now I am crushed beyond belief at the fact that over the course of NINE months of this whole year he has had a secret relationship with her, who he has never mentioned, kept on his work phone (although in april/may the call logs are from his personal phone) and all correspondence from her had been deleted- why if it was innocent? He talks to other mutual friends who are women, as to I who are male. This is someone who needed to be kept hidden from me.

    I truly believe if I hadn't found those texts a month ago he would still be talking to her now. Instead, I have found out this side of christmas and I am devastated.

    My husband is now very remorseful and has broken down several times telling me he did it for an ego boost/ a bit of attention (she is a very pretty early 20's lady with an amazing figure- makes me feel just great as a mother of three children but he says he didn't fancy her.. hmm) and he didn't believe he was 'cheating' as it was never physical. But I can't get over the confiding in her, talking about OUR marriage to someone who has never been married or has children to understand, the general chatting to her about whatever they talked about.

    He wants us to go to counselling. When I listen to him talk and he answers all of my questions (he admits he was selfish and shallow and it wasn't my fault) I want to make it work and believe him, because I love him, but he has broken my trust. I feel so betrayed and humiliated. I am reminded of all of the wonderful things we have done this year, our new home and it all feels tainted. This was supposed to be our first christmas here and I am so so sad.

    Should I give him the another chance even though I feel so sick that he has had an emotional affair with someone else over an extended period of time or is it time for me to realise that he has done this to me before and he doesn't respect me?
Page 6
    • fierystormcloud
    • By fierystormcloud 22nd Dec 16, 5:37 PM
    • 1,391 Posts
    • 4,271 Thanks
    fierystormcloud
    To be honest, it sounds like you brought it on yourself. He was obviously feeling ignored and/or not desired, so of course he would seek out intimacy from a young fit girl. Pay more attention to your man and meet his needs.
    Originally posted by gabriel1980
    I assume you're joking? I hope so!

    I don't really care about where the line is/how 'fit' she may be/he needed the ego boost/he's otherwise a good provider...

    The FACTS are these:-

    He knew the risk he was taking as he's done this before.

    He choose to ignore OP's previous hurt and upset as well as the damage to his marriage.

    He put a lot of thought and effort into concealing his actions.

    He told lie after lie in order to continue his behaviour.

    He conspired with her to keep both partners in the dark.

    Poor little man!

    I wouldn't want to be in the OP's shoes - she may forgive but I know from personal experience that deceit on this scale, with its corrosive damage to trust, is often the beginning of the end of the relationship - houses built on the sand, and all that.

    It's the months of conniving that I would find so very hard to forgive.

    Good luck, OP.
    Originally posted by paddy's mum
    Well said.

    Shouldn't be friends with the opposite sex. Divorce him, take the house & x% of his salary for the rest of his life. In a few years ask him if it was worth it.

    Nobody snapshots with the opposite sex as friends. At least 1 of them wants to rag doll the other
    Originally posted by Dird
    cooeeeeeeeee
    • Diary
    • By Diary 22nd Dec 16, 6:17 PM
    • 573 Posts
    • 752 Thanks
    Diary
    The worst part for me personally is the fact he promised never to it it again - and then made a multitude of excuses why he had done 'it' again.

    Even if OP 'has him back' she won't be able to believe a word he says in future.

    Of course the husband is remorseful - the 'other' young lady has obviously told him she doesn't want him.

    The humiliation of having him discuss his entire marriage with her is terrible and he should not have put his wife through this. After all he had done it before and knew how much it hurt his wife the first time, so knew the hurt it would cause this time. Unless he thought he wouldn't get caught.
    Master Apothecary Faranell replied, I assure you, overseer, the Royal Apothecary Society dearly wishes to make up for the tragic misguidance which ended so many lives. We will cause you no trouble. We seek only to continue our research in peace".
    • paddy's mum
    • By paddy's mum 22nd Dec 16, 9:13 PM
    • 3,513 Posts
    • 12,670 Thanks
    paddy's mum
    Unless he thought he wouldn't get caught.
    Originally posted by Diary
    My experience of human failing (in which, among other scenarios, I have been the cheated upon, the one who didn't quite measure up to expectations and once quite without intent [having been fed a pack of lies] the so-called 'other woman') is that most people in this situation are exhibiting one of three things.

    They believe they're too clever to get caught.

    They want to get caught (as in, it brings things to a head that the cowardly can't face cold sober so let's create a ferocious row as a result of which I can shout, throw things at the wall, hurl accusations at my spouse and walk out holding him/her to blame for pushing me beyond human endurance)

    They don't care if they get caught (as in utter contempt for their partner).

    What respect for anyone behaving in that fashion, especially as the so-called "matrimonial difficulties" were this husband's frequent opening gambit with the other girl.

    I also find it simply astounding that he would want to be competing for the attentions of a girl who is putting photographs of herself naked about the place.

    They sound to me like two shallow inadequates who richly deserve each other. It's just a tragedy that there are partners/spouses/children who stand to be so badly hurt, through no fault of their own.

    What a fool - he no doubt knows the price of everything but the value of nothing.

    Thinking of you, OP, and wishing you a peaceful New Year.
    • gonzo127
    • By gonzo127 23rd Dec 16, 9:06 AM
    • 4,430 Posts
    • 5,700 Thanks
    gonzo127
    I don't really care about where the line is/how 'fit' she may be/he needed the ego boost/he's otherwise a good provider...

    The FACTS are these:-

    He knew the risk he was taking as he's done this before.

    He choose to ignore OP's previous hurt and upset as well as the damage to his marriage.

    He put a lot of thought and effort into concealing his actions.

    He told lie after lie in order to continue his behaviour.

    He conspired with her to keep both partners in the dark.

    Poor little man!

    I wouldn't want to be in the OP's shoes - she may forgive but I know from personal experience that deceit on this scale, with its corrosive damage to trust, is often the beginning of the end of the relationship - houses built on the sand, and all that.

    It's the months of conniving that I would find so very hard to forgive.

    Good luck, OP.
    Originally posted by paddy's mum
    i agree with this, its the lieing and secrecy which would be my main concern

    ok this could be that a lot of the things people have stated are inappropriate i just dont always agree with, but then again my best friend of nearly 30 years is female and i am male.

    we talk and message each other at all times of night and day - the other day she messaged me at 5:30am because she was awake and bored but her husband was asleep

    we talk to each other about our relationships, ups, downs, all sorts of details sometimes, because sometimes we just need a sounding board, rant or just another perspective

    we snapchat each other because it can be a fun way of communicating

    we compliment each other on our looks, because well sometimes its just nice to have a compliment

    but none of this is done in secrecy, ok so we might not share the full details of our discussions but our partners have always known about each other, and know when we are talking to each other.
    Drop a brand challenge
    on a 100 shop you might on average get 70 items save
    10p per product = 7 a week ~ 28 a month
    20p per product = 14 a week ~ 56 a month
    30p per product = 21 a week ~ 84 a month (or in other words one weeks shoping at the new price)
    • Fireflyaway
    • By Fireflyaway 23rd Dec 16, 1:24 PM
    • 1,668 Posts
    • 1,774 Thanks
    Fireflyaway
    In a previous post I said my opinion was if the guy is good in all other respects he should be forgiven. That doesn't mean what he did was OK ! Of course it isnt. However doesnt it need to be kept in proportion? He was clearly flirting and went behind his wife's back re the messaging but unless im missing something he hasn't slept with the ex colleague or had an affair. So is the consensus that the whole family should be destroyed? There are 3 kids involved. We all make mistakes and I do feel his actions were really wrong but splitting up ? Seems a bit strong.
    • Pollycat
    • By Pollycat 23rd Dec 16, 1:31 PM
    • 19,646 Posts
    • 52,458 Thanks
    Pollycat
    In a previous post I said my opinion was if the guy is good in all other respects he should be forgiven. That doesn't mean what he did was OK ! Of course it isnt. However doesnt it need to be kept in proportion? He was clearly flirting and went behind his wife's back re the messaging but unless im missing something he hasn't slept with the ex colleague or had an affair. So is the consensus that the whole family should be destroyed? There are 3 kids involved. We all make mistakes and I do feel his actions were really wrong but splitting up ? Seems a bit strong.
    Originally posted by Fireflyaway
    It depends on whether this guy really does want to make his relationship work and can convince his partner that he won't ever do it again.
    After all, it's not the first time he's done it.
    He's been caught once before but who knows if that's the only time he's texted women behind his partner's back.

    And it depends whether OP feels she can trust him again or if she is willing to accept a relationship where she is constantly looking for signs that he's at it again.

    No, splitting up doesn't seem a bit strong to me at all.
    • Wickedkitten
    • By Wickedkitten 23rd Dec 16, 1:58 PM
    • 1,820 Posts
    • 2,135 Thanks
    Wickedkitten
    In a previous post I said my opinion was if the guy is good in all other respects he should be forgiven. That doesn't mean what he did was OK ! Of course it isnt. However doesnt it need to be kept in proportion? He was clearly flirting and went behind his wife's back re the messaging but unless im missing something he hasn't slept with the ex colleague or had an affair. So is the consensus that the whole family should be destroyed? There are 3 kids involved. We all make mistakes and I do feel his actions were really wrong but splitting up ? Seems a bit strong.
    Originally posted by Fireflyaway
    That's funny. The only reason why he hasn't slept with her is probably because she didn't want him. Why should she be the one to have to hold the family unit together after he has been the one going out of his way to destroy it?
    It's not easy having a good time. Even smiling makes my face ache.
    • FatVonD
    • By FatVonD 23rd Dec 16, 4:28 PM
    • 5,119 Posts
    • 20,648 Thanks
    FatVonD
    The fact he immediately told the other woman that he'd deleted all other messages says to me that there had been other, more incriminating, stuff on there and he was giving her the heads up not to admit to any more than she had to.

    It is up to you whether you decide to stay with him or not, OP, but you deserve the WHOLE truth on which to base your decision, not to be taken (even further) for a fool by him only telling you as little as he can get away with.
    • globetraveller
    • By globetraveller 24th Dec 16, 12:50 PM
    • 2,079 Posts
    • 11,895 Thanks
    globetraveller
    Her boyfriend didn't and still doesn't know. She asked me not to tell him if she answered all of my questions..., !!!129300; I'm not out to ruin her relationship like she has mine so I've not said anything. I just don't know if what she told me was the whole truth but she seemed genuine enough.
    Originally posted by feeling sad
    Yes. When I said that of course her boyfriend knows, I was being sacastic. It just doesn't come across so well in print. They were clearly not just innocent friends.
    weight loss target 23lbs/49lb
    • Diary
    • By Diary 27th Jun 17, 10:42 PM
    • 573 Posts
    • 752 Thanks
    Diary
    It's incredibly rude of you to drag a painful really old thread up. Reported.
    Last edited by Diary; 28-06-2017 at 7:54 AM. Reason: Removed nasty spam.
    • Gloomendoom
    • By Gloomendoom 27th Jun 17, 11:17 PM
    • 13,746 Posts
    • 18,031 Thanks
    Gloomendoom
    It's incredibly rude of you to drag a painful really old thread up. Reported.
    Originally posted by Diary
    It might be a good idea to delete your post, or at least the post you quoted. Otherwise the spam still is still there.
    Never argue with stupid people, they will drag you down to their level and then beat you with experience. - Mark Twain
    • Diary
    • By Diary 28th Jun 17, 7:55 AM
    • 573 Posts
    • 752 Thanks
    Diary
    It might be a good idea to delete your post, or at least the post you quoted. Otherwise the spam still is still there.
    Originally posted by Gloomendoom
    You're right, I was just furious someone could do something so vindictive. But I should've known better.
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