Advice please... Very pushy woman at the Church my wife goes to. (Very long post.)

Options
1356789

Comments

  • Peter333
    Peter333 Posts: 2,035 Forumite
    Options
    Gloomendoom wrote: »
    You could try sending another letter... only this time cut the letters out of various newspapers and magazines and stick them in to make the words.

    That should do the trick.

    :rotfl::T

    Very funny! :p

    All I wanna know really, (despite all the whingeing from me and the varying advice from others) is what should my wife do?

    Just do nothing, as a few posters have suggested? I mean, what is the point in ringing the woman? Just can't see it. What does she want to talk about? My wife has explained herself already.

    Anyway, my wife will probably see the woman in Church next week anyway!

    But she REALLY doesn't want to ring her and meet 'for a chat!'

    As I said, I and she - felt that the letter was enough to explain herself.
    You didn't, did you? :rotfl::rotfl:
  • Peter333
    Peter333 Posts: 2,035 Forumite
    Options
    fairy_lights wrote: »
    I don't know why she had to write the letter at all, she could have just stopped going and if asked about it say "Sorry, I'm just too busy at the moment"
    By sending the letter to the group leader it's probably sounds a bit like a cry for help to be honest, like she's incredibly stressed. I think any reasonably caring person would have acted the same way as the leader and offered to meet up for a chat.

    Maybe you're right, but I really feel that my wife explained herself OK, and she really doesn't WANT to meet up with her..... So what should she do?
    tea_lover wrote: »
    So what do you want people to say? You've decided this woman is awful (for daring to ask if your wife was ok and seeing if she wanted a coffee), you're refusing to acknowledge the posts that say just be honest with people, and apparently you know exactly what the poor woman will do and say in all possible hypothetical situations.

    It seems very unfair to respond to someone based on what you think they may do, and then not be honest with them in the process.

    This reminds me of the film minority report - she's been judged guilty of some sort of future crime that she hasn't actually done.


    This is not how it is...... at all.
    You didn't, did you? :rotfl::rotfl:
  • Brighton_belle
    Brighton_belle Posts: 5,223 Forumite
    Options
    I get that in RL this woman is pushy and won't take no for an answer Peter. But this is church, and this woman, who is probably very social, has real fears of people feeling isolated and lonely in a community where that is the last thing you would hope someone would feel. Your wife said she had a lot on (so sounded stressed) and didn't want to be unfair to the group.
    So to be honest I think I would also have replied to saying don't feel bad, come when you can, and let's meet for coffee. In fact I would be tempted to be critical of a church who didn't follow up and check someone was ok, someone who did not clearly say they weren't coming because they just didn't want to, but out of anxiety of being 'unfair' to others.
    The reason it feels pushy is because your wife can't stand her company. If it was someone who's company she really enjoyed she wouldn't be feeling like this.
    SUGGESTED REMEDY:
    I'm afraid I think the only solution will be a firm and clear 'I do not wish to attend, and have no need to discuss that, and thank you for your concern but I am fine and happy and only wish to attend church on Sunday". Repeat as necessary. Don't engage in conversation to justify how she feels

    If it was you in this situation Peter, what would you do?
    I try to take one day at a time, but sometimes several days attack me at once
  • FBaby
    FBaby Posts: 18,367 Forumite
    First Anniversary First Post Combo Breaker
    Options
    She can either ignore the message, ignore future phone calls, ignore the other ones who will be wondering if she is ok and then they can conclude that your wife is rude to not have bothered to explain herself and say good bye.

    Or she can go there, say that the group is very lucky to have such a dedicated leader who has managed to keep it going but that she had made the decision to move on to new pastures and she wishes them all well. If they asked questions, she can replies very briefly and then say she has to go.

    Or she can write to her and say that she's never liked her, that she is a bully and it's about time someone tells her. That her attitude is overwhelming and it is because of her she is going. That should also stop any further contact.
  • fairy_lights
    fairy_lights Posts: 9,220 Forumite
    Options
    Peter333 wrote: »
    Maybe you're right, but I really feel that my wife explained herself OK, and she really doesn't WANT to meet up with her..... So what should she do?
    Phone her up, thank her for the offer and reassure her that everything is ok but she's just rushed off her feet at the moment and doesn't have a spare minute.
  • KiKi
    KiKi Posts: 5,377 Forumite
    First Post First Anniversary
    Options
    The woman responded fairly based on what your wife wrote. I suspect you can't see that right now, because you THINK you know she would have been like this regardless - but the fact is that you don't know.

    Regardless of that, I suggest your wife tries some honesty and assertiveness. Quite simply: "thanks for your letter and concern. I'm not stressed, and I don't need to talk. However, I want to limit my involvement, so I'll see you when I'm at church, but I can't commit to anything else."

    If the women suggests tea and cake: "thanks, but I just can't commit to anything at the moment." If she suggests another group: "As I've just said, I want to limit my involvement." If she persists: "I appreciate that you're looking out for me, but I'm feeling under pressure from all the invites, so please don't invite me to anything else for now."

    KiKi
    ' <-- See that? It's called an apostrophe. It does not mean "hey, look out, here comes an S".
  • KiKi
    KiKi Posts: 5,377 Forumite
    First Post First Anniversary
    Options
    Brighton_belle wrote: »
    The reason it feels pushy is because your wife can't stand her company. If it was someone who's company she really enjoyed she wouldn't be feeling like this.

    THIS. If she liked the woman then her response would simply be seen as a kind friend who's concerned.
    ' <-- See that? It's called an apostrophe. It does not mean "hey, look out, here comes an S".
  • Peter333
    Peter333 Posts: 2,035 Forumite
    Options
    Brighton_belle wrote: »
    I get that in RL this woman is pushy and won't take no for an answer Peter. But this is church, and this woman, who is probably very social, has real fears of people feeling isolated and lonely in a community where that is the last thing you would hope someone would feel. Your wife said she had a lot on (so sounded stressed) and didn't want to be unfair to the group.
    So to be honest I think I would also have replied to saying don't feel bad, come when you can, and let's meet for coffee. In fact I would be tempted to be critical of a church who didn't follow up and check someone was ok, someone who did not clearly say they weren't coming because they just didn't want to, but out of anxiety of being 'unfair' to others.
    The reason it feels pushy is because your wife can't stand her company. If it was someone who's company she really enjoyed she wouldn't be feeling like this.
    I'm afraid I think the only solution will be a firm and clear 'I do not wish to attend, and have no need to discuss that, and thank you for your concern but I am fine and happy and only wish to attend church on Sunday". Repeat as necessary. Don't engage in conversation to justify how she feels

    If it was you in this situation Peter, what would you do?

    Thank you so much! :j

    I don't want to come across as expecting people to say only what I want to hear, but I was beginning to feel that people were not hearing what I was saying. (Sorry if that sounds bad, I don't mean it to, and maybe it's me being clumsy, frantic or whatever, and not explaining myself properly!)

    I think the content and constructive criticism in your post is great 'Belle,' and you have some good valid points. Yes of course a Church would care/should care, but they also are in danger sometimes of being too pushy and prodding in when people prefer to be left alone. And yes some of them CAN be pushy.

    I don't know what I'd do if I were my wife TBH.

    Maybe she should give her quick ring and just say 'I am OK, but I just can't meet up for anything at the moment sorry.' Trouble is, this woman WILL NOT take no for an answer and is very pushy, so it's hard. And my wife doesn't dislike the woman but she doesn't love her either.

    Thanks to everyone and I am sorry if I have come across as snappy or demanding or like I am not listening. I do appreciate all the advice (honest :o )

    Thanks :) I do appreciate all of you.
    You didn't, did you? :rotfl::rotfl:
  • paddy's_mum
    paddy's_mum Posts: 3,977 Forumite
    I've been Money Tipped!
    Options
    Peter333 wrote: »
    she made it clear in her letter that she wasn't able to come to the Group

    ABLE and WANT are two very different meanings. I think it's the use of that word able that is the root cause of the problem here since it does not make at all clear that Mrs Peter does not want to attend any longer.

    The reasons given almost invite a sympathetic response and if the woman is bossy but genuinely very big-hearted, what she replied is almost exactly what I would have expected. I am reminded of that lovely Maureen Lipman comment that she "goes around meaning well like anything....!"

    It may well be so that the woman won't take no for an answer but in fairness, I suggest that Mrs Peter learns pronto to give no as her answer! People can be too nice and in trying to spare others' feelings, more misunderstanding and offence arise.
  • Peter333
    Peter333 Posts: 2,035 Forumite
    Options
    paddy's_mum wrote: »
    ABLE and WANT are two very different meanings. I think it's the use of that word able that is the root cause of the problem here since it does not make at all clear that Mrs Peter does not want to attend any longer.

    The reasons given almost invite a sympathetic response and if the woman is bossy but genuinely very big-hearted, what she replied is almost exactly what I would have expected. I am reminded of that lovely Maureen Lipman comment that she "goes around meaning well like anything....!"

    It may well be so that the woman won't take no for an answer but in fairness, I suggest that Mrs Peter learns pronto to give no as her answer! People can be too nice and in trying to spare others' feelings, more misunderstanding and offence arise.

    Good points. Thank you. :)
    You didn't, did you? :rotfl::rotfl:
This discussion has been closed.
★ ★ ★ Meet your Ambassadors

Categories

  • All Categories
  • 343.2K Banking & Borrowing
  • 250.1K Reduce Debt & Boost Income
  • 449.7K Spending & Discounts
  • 235.3K Work, Benefits & Business
  • 608.1K Mortgages, Homes & Bills
  • 173.1K Life & Family
  • 247.9K Travel & Transport
  • 1.5M Hobbies & Leisure
  • 15.9K Discuss & Feedback
  • 15.1K Coronavirus Support Boards