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  • FIRST POST
    • in my wellies
    • By in my wellies 14th Apr 16, 7:18 PM
    • 730Posts
    • 473Thanks
    in my wellies
    mum coming to live with me - sharing bills?
    • #1
    • 14th Apr 16, 7:18 PM
    mum coming to live with me - sharing bills? 14th Apr 16 at 7:18 PM
    Hi, I live alone (widow) about 50 miles / 1 hour drive from my mum.
    'When the time comes' (her words) she says she would like to come and live with me as long as possible to avoid a care home. I have some room but she is thinking I could extend to build a bathroom/ kitchen downstairs for her. She said she would pay someone to 'granny sit' and for a carer when necessary so I can still go out. She can afford this.

    I'm thinking ahead and have a few questions please

    If she sold her house could she just pay for the building? What implications are there? For her? For me? I own my house outright.
    She would want to pay me 'keep' - I've no idea how much. What would be right? I was thinking it will only be extra food and heat - other bills I pay anyway
    Am I best to go through an agency to employ a carer? How do I find one?
    Do I need to change insurance or do anything else.
    I'm sure there are other questions I haven't even thought about

    Thank you
    Love living in a village in the country side
    Still enjoying my retirement
Page 4
    • Cakeguts
    • By Cakeguts 13th Feb 18, 6:45 PM
    • 4,416 Posts
    • 6,351 Thanks
    Cakeguts
    .... but it wouldnt stop you from choosing her care home and pop in occasionally if not to see her but to check that she was still safe. Its the decent thing to do. Even if your Mother was a cow to you, it doesnt stop you doing the decent thing.

    The care home opposite me has been pulled over the coals over some of their practices. Some are better than others.
    Originally posted by Judi
    My sister chose the care home and I helped them to persuade her that that is where she needed to be. It was a good home and it was about 120 miles away.
    • Ames
    • By Ames 13th Feb 18, 7:06 PM
    • 17,290 Posts
    • 30,460 Thanks
    Ames
    Oooops. According to my elder surviving daughter this was me. Not affectionate enough, trying to make her do things she didn't want to do (like not truanting from school), not being there for her enough etc etc.

    Some of this can be explained by my not being at home, being out at work 'concentrating on my career too much' although the end result was putting food on the table and keeping a roof over our heads.

    Oddly enough her younger sister who died (who she actually treated very badly, stealing from her etc) never had the same criticisms of me. Neither do my step-family especially my 2 step-granddaughters, who couldn't be more loving. Although they're all at a distance.
    Originally posted by margaretclare
    There's a vast difference between being a strict parent (although you seem to be describing normal parenting) and abusive parenting.

    Would people expect an adult who were physically or sexually abused as a child to care for the 'parent' who carried out the abuse? If not then why is it different when it's emotional abuse or (real) neglect?
    Unless I say otherwise 'you' means the general you not you specifically.
    • Red-Squirrel
    • By Red-Squirrel 13th Feb 18, 7:23 PM
    • 2,778 Posts
    • 7,415 Thanks
    Red-Squirrel
    .... but it wouldnt stop you from choosing her care home and pop in occasionally if not to see her but to check that she was still safe. Its the decent thing to do. Even if your Mother was a cow to you, it doesnt stop you doing the decent thing.
    Originally posted by Judi
    It would stop me! I wouldn't do any more for a parent like that than I would for any other random elderly person who I didn’t have any relationship with. I wouldn’t feel a scrap of guilt either.
    • Kksingh
    • By Kksingh 14th Feb 18, 10:45 PM
    • 2 Posts
    • 1 Thanks
    Kksingh
    Always find it strange
    Always find it strange when i read some of the opinions on this kind of topic.
    I agree if your parents where abusive/neglectful and/or if they require 24 hour help or more then you can manage (onset of dementia) its probably best left to professional help.
    However this is not the case in the VAST majority of cases. As most RGN and care home staff will advise you the people who bought us up are left out of sight and out of mind.
    Myself and most of my friends are from a sikh background. It is instilled in us from a young age the duty of care we owe our parents (no nhs setup in india). To the point where most of us are in our young thirties and married with kids. Yet we have our parents move in with us. They dont pay for any type of bills and mostof us actually provide our parents a stipend approx 100quid a week so they are able to go out and do qhat they like.

    Im.not saying everyone should do this but these people raised you and regardless of how well or badly they have done that job we shouldnt just throw away what they sacrificied. Again as above i know some peoples parents where idiots and neglectful themselves. However to reiterate i do believe the vast majority of parents where like mine pulling 2 jobs each just to make ends meet and provide the best for their kids.

    I also understand people saying they do not want to burden their children with having to look after them. I cannot understand why its better to pay a stranger to look after you then be looked after by family
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