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    • in my wellies
    • By in my wellies 14th Apr 16, 7:18 PM
    • 729Posts
    • 473Thanks
    in my wellies
    mum coming to live with me - sharing bills?
    • #1
    • 14th Apr 16, 7:18 PM
    mum coming to live with me - sharing bills? 14th Apr 16 at 7:18 PM
    Hi, I live alone (widow) about 50 miles / 1 hour drive from my mum.
    'When the time comes' (her words) she says she would like to come and live with me as long as possible to avoid a care home. I have some room but she is thinking I could extend to build a bathroom/ kitchen downstairs for her. She said she would pay someone to 'granny sit' and for a carer when necessary so I can still go out. She can afford this.

    I'm thinking ahead and have a few questions please

    If she sold her house could she just pay for the building? What implications are there? For her? For me? I own my house outright.
    She would want to pay me 'keep' - I've no idea how much. What would be right? I was thinking it will only be extra food and heat - other bills I pay anyway
    Am I best to go through an agency to employ a carer? How do I find one?
    Do I need to change insurance or do anything else.
    I'm sure there are other questions I haven't even thought about

    Thank you
    Love living in a village in the country side
    Still enjoying my retirement
Page 3
    • Judi
    • By Judi 10th Feb 18, 4:01 PM
    • 16,004 Posts
    • 69,139 Thanks
    Judi
    My Mother had dementia and lost the use of her legs and later her arms...She slept most of the day and wailed most of the night. To have coped with this if she'd lived with me I'd have had to fit my sleeping pattern round her and ignored everyone and everything else. Then there was the bruises and yes a thick lip she gave one of the carers as they changed her pad. Oh she kept her carers in the retirement home on their toes (and carpets as she would tip her liquid medication on the floor when she didnt want to take it).

    500 a week her stay cost and it was worth every penny.

    In my wellies I hope it works out for you. I hope you have a good support network too.
    'Holy crap on a cracker!'
    • stokesley
    • By stokesley 10th Feb 18, 5:22 PM
    • 213 Posts
    • 281 Thanks
    stokesley
    No because it's something I feel strongly about. And it's not a case of cant but more wont or dont want to make any sacrifices !!!55357;!!!56842;
    Originally posted by tessiesmummy
    Now that our parents are often living longer, do you have any idea how old some of their offspring actually are? The ones who you believe should be caring for their parent/s. My mother's best friend has a son of 81.

    Looking around when attending meetings at my mother's residential home (into which, by the way, she admitted herself against my wishes) most of the offspring are in their 60s and 70s.

    My children have been told, in no uncertain terms, that they are not to look after either of us.
    • Primrose
    • By Primrose 10th Feb 18, 5:29 PM
    • 7,963 Posts
    • 28,046 Thanks
    Primrose
    There is also the problem that if you build an extension, this is a permanent structure which will probably cause your property to be liable for increased Council Tax. If you mother is only living with you for a matter of months and then passes away, you are still have to live with the extension and the increased council tax indefinitely for however many years you continue to live in the property.
    • Judi
    • By Judi 10th Feb 18, 5:33 PM
    • 16,004 Posts
    • 69,139 Thanks
    Judi
    There is also the problem that if you build an extension, this is a permanent structure which will probably cause your property to be liable for increased Council Tax. If you mother is only living with you for a matter of months and then passes away, you are still have to live with the extension and the increased council tax indefinitely for however many years you continue to live in the property.
    Originally posted by Primrose
    Yeah but the house is worth more...not saying the case in this instance.
    'Holy crap on a cracker!'
    • Fireflyaway
    • By Fireflyaway 10th Feb 18, 8:31 PM
    • 1,681 Posts
    • 1,799 Thanks
    Fireflyaway
    This is an interesting subject. I think intention counts for a lot. If someone has the intention to care for an elderly relative but then can't because they become too unwell they shouldn't feel guilty. If the elderly person becomes a danger to themselves or others for example.
    If however its just a bit inconvenient then shame on them. We could learn a lot from societies where the elderly are respected.
    When i worked for the council I remember speaking to a woman whose mum was in a residential home. The mum had fallen and broken her arm. The home called the daughter who said she was too busy to attend! The daughter then called the council to try and get them to pay the cost of the taxi that took her mum back from the hospital.
    To be fair we don't know what the parent / child relationship was like historically but in many cases I think kids are just selfish, lazy and ungrateful.
    • Judi
    • By Judi 10th Feb 18, 8:37 PM
    • 16,004 Posts
    • 69,139 Thanks
    Judi
    When i worked for the council I remember speaking to a woman whose mum was in a residential home. The mum had fallen and broken her arm. The home called the daughter who said she was too busy to attend! The daughter then called the council to try and get them to pay the cost of the taxi that took her mum back from the hospital.
    To be fair we don't know what the parent / child relationship was like historically but in many cases I think kids are just selfish, lazy and ungrateful.
    Then shame on the daughter...
    'Holy crap on a cracker!'
    • Red-Squirrel
    • By Red-Squirrel 10th Feb 18, 10:04 PM
    • 2,576 Posts
    • 6,900 Thanks
    Red-Squirrel
    If however its just a bit inconvenient then shame on them.
    Originally posted by Fireflyaway
    What about if your parents didn't treat you well? Still shame on them? Maybe we shouldn't be so quick to judge. Neglectful, cruel and abusive parents get old too.
    • tessiesmummy
    • By tessiesmummy 10th Feb 18, 10:42 PM
    • 144 Posts
    • 126 Thanks
    tessiesmummy
    This is an interesting subject. I think intention counts for a lot. If someone has the intention to care for an elderly relative but then can't because they become too unwell they shouldn't feel guilty. If the elderly person becomes a danger to themselves or others for example.!

    Thankyou you articulated it much better than I did!!! I know it's not a cut and dry subject and I see some absolutely wonderful families who visit their relative in a care home and are very much part of their life. I see many many many more people that are left forgotten and an inconvenience to their families. It has brought me to tears a handful of times when I have seen these most amazing people caring about their loved ones so much. What I was trying to say is that it is sad that it is a rarity and the OP is doing a wonderful thing.
    • Amber Sunshine
    • By Amber Sunshine 12th Feb 18, 7:24 PM
    • 1,594 Posts
    • 3,908 Thanks
    Amber Sunshine
    You'd think a nurse of all people, would understand how stressful looking after elderly people can be.

    Nurses and carers are paid to do this work (though not enough IMO), and get to leave it all behind at the end of their shift. Family don't. Perhaps you think I should have cared for my dementia-stricken mother and been punched, kicked and screamed at - all while I was going through cancer treatment? No? Let's leave it to my sister then. Never mind that she works, has children, and didn't live near Mum. She can give up her job, the measly carer's allowance will help pay her mortgage.

    I applaud anyone who feels up to caring for a parent. But it is incredibly challenging in many cases and not everyone can do it. While a small minority may be thinking of the inheritance, most of us just want the best for our parents. Personally I advised my sister not to give into the pressure to take Mum in. That was not because I don't care. Quite the opposite. I cared for an ex with MH issues and it nearly destroyed me. That is why I didn't want my sister's health put at risk. So please don't judge people and assume they're trying to preserve an inheritance.


    I can't believe the amount of people on this thread who think it is an awful idea. these are the same ones thay will be giving the care home and hospital staff grief saying care isnt upto scratch when they pop in for 10 minutes once a week; and they'll be going mad over their 'inheritance' getting wasted on said care fees.

    If people looked after their elderly like they traditionally did then we wouldnt have the NHS and Health and Social care crisis that we have now. I am an experienced registered nurse and it is a sad fact that people dump their relatives in A&E for holidays/ xmas/ nights out.
    Originally posted by tessiesmummy
    • margaretclare
    • By margaretclare 13th Feb 18, 9:36 AM
    • 10,099 Posts
    • 17,092 Thanks
    margaretclare
    You'd think a nurse of all people, would understand how stressful looking after elderly people can be.

    Nurses and carers are paid to do this work (though not enough IMO), and get to leave it all behind at the end of their shift. Family don't. Perhaps you think I should have cared for my dementia-stricken mother and been punched, kicked and screamed at - all while I was going through cancer treatment? No? Let's leave it to my sister then. Never mind that she works, has children, and didn't live near Mum. She can give up her job, the measly carer's allowance will help pay her mortgage.

    I applaud anyone who feels up to caring for a parent. But it is incredibly challenging in many cases and not everyone can do it. While a small minority may be thinking of the inheritance, most of us just want the best for our parents. Personally I advised my sister not to give into the pressure to take Mum in. That was not because I don't care. Quite the opposite. I cared for an ex with MH issues and it nearly destroyed me. That is why I didn't want my sister's health put at risk. So please don't judge people and assume they're trying to preserve an inheritance.
    Originally posted by Amber Sunshine
    I completely agree. An ideal situation, in an earlier age, has been quoted. I don't think that happy loving family situation was ever more than an ideal. I read of one instance where a daughter took in her aged mother, because mother could make herself useful in keeping an eye on the kids, peel potatoes, do a bit of mending etc. Dad had to go into the workhouse because there was no room for him. I also know of one instance in my own family where they 'couldn't do with her at home'. I don't think it can ever have been as happy and rosy as some people make out.

    It must also be remembered that, as we keep hearing, we are an 'ageing society'. In other words, people are living much longer than they used to. The NHS is a victim of its own success, has helped us deal with many health problems that in an earlier period of time would have carried us off.

    In an earlier life, while coping with widowhood, redundancy, a mortgage and insufficient money, I used to go away living with an elderly person as a full-time carer for 2 weeks at a time. That was a real eye-opener as to what could happen. I could write a book...
    Last edited by margaretclare; 13-02-2018 at 9:39 AM.
    r ic wisdom funde, r wear ic eald.
    Before I found wisdom, I became old.
    • Tabbytabitha
    • By Tabbytabitha 13th Feb 18, 10:47 AM
    • 1,974 Posts
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    Tabbytabitha
    What about if your parents didn't treat you well? Still shame on them? Maybe we shouldn't be so quick to judge. Neglectful, cruel and abusive parents get old too.
    Originally posted by Red-Squirrel
    I doubt very much that every "child" who neglects their parents does so because their parents were cruel and abusive.
    • Red-Squirrel
    • By Red-Squirrel 13th Feb 18, 11:07 AM
    • 2,576 Posts
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    Red-Squirrel
    I doubt very much that every "child" who neglects their parents does so because their parents were cruel and abusive.
    Originally posted by Tabbytabitha
    I didn't in any way suggest that.

    Although I don't actually think its possible for a child to neglect their parent unless they have actually voluntarily taken on the responsibility for caring for them.
    • Tabbytabitha
    • By Tabbytabitha 13th Feb 18, 12:10 PM
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    Tabbytabitha
    I didn't in any way suggest that.

    Although I don't actually think its possible for a child to neglect their parent unless they have actually voluntarily taken on the responsibility for caring for them.
    Originally posted by Red-Squirrel
    I was thinking of the number of people who post here who only see their elderly parent(s) a couple of times a year - I'd call that neglect.
    • Red-Squirrel
    • By Red-Squirrel 13th Feb 18, 12:56 PM
    • 2,576 Posts
    • 6,900 Thanks
    Red-Squirrel
    I was thinking of the number of people who post here who only see their elderly parent(s) a couple of times a year - I'd call that neglect.
    Originally posted by Tabbytabitha
    Neglect can only exist if there is a duty of care in the first place. What you're describing is not being close to a family member.
    • Tabbytabitha
    • By Tabbytabitha 13th Feb 18, 4:10 PM
    • 1,974 Posts
    • 3,322 Thanks
    Tabbytabitha
    Neglect can only exist if there is a duty of care in the first place. What you're describing is not being close to a family member.
    Originally posted by Red-Squirrel
    We'll have to agree to disagree.
    I think younger family members have a duty of care for their elderly relatives in most normal situations. Not necessarily to have them live with them, of course, but to have regret contact and to look out for them, even if at a distance.
    Not being close has nothing to do with it, being a caring human being does.
    • Cakeguts
    • By Cakeguts 13th Feb 18, 4:40 PM
    • 4,174 Posts
    • 5,870 Thanks
    Cakeguts
    What about if your parents didn't treat you well? Still shame on them? Maybe we shouldn't be so quick to judge. Neglectful, cruel and abusive parents get old too.
    Originally posted by Red-Squirrel
    Yes mine did. Narcissistic abusive mothers do not change just because they are old. They are nasty selfish people for life. If you had a parent who you knew didn't like you when you were a child and showed you daily that they didn't like you throught their actions would you want to look after them when they were old and ill and still showing you that they don't like you?

    My abusive mother got Parkinson's disease and dementia. She is dead now. I don't miss her and I didn't have any grief when she died. We just did not have any form of relationship. Please do not judge other people's attitude to their parents you really do not know what has gone on in the past.
    • Judi
    • By Judi 13th Feb 18, 4:54 PM
    • 16,004 Posts
    • 69,139 Thanks
    Judi
    My abusive mother got Parkinson's disease and dementia. She is dead now. I don't miss her and I didn't have any grief when she died. We just did not have any form of relationship. Please do not judge other people's attitude to their parents you really do not know what has gone on in the past.
    .... but it wouldnt stop you from choosing her care home and pop in occasionally if not to see her but to check that she was still safe. Its the decent thing to do. Even if your Mother was a cow to you, it doesnt stop you doing the decent thing.

    The care home opposite me has been pulled over the coals over some of their practices. Some are better than others.
    'Holy crap on a cracker!'
    • Savvy_Sue
    • By Savvy_Sue 13th Feb 18, 5:30 PM
    • 38,390 Posts
    • 34,992 Thanks
    Savvy_Sue
    I was thinking of the number of people who post here who only see their elderly parent(s) a couple of times a year - I'd call that neglect.
    Originally posted by Tabbytabitha
    You're very welcome to your opinion, but I think we've had this discussion before. My parents didn't expect me to run my life around visiting them, and I don't expect my sons to run their lives around visiting me. I am, of course, fearfully neglected.
    Still knitting!
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    • margaretclare
    • By margaretclare 13th Feb 18, 5:50 PM
    • 10,099 Posts
    • 17,092 Thanks
    margaretclare
    What about if your parents didn't treat you well? Still shame on them? Maybe we shouldn't be so quick to judge. Neglectful, cruel and abusive parents get old too.
    Originally posted by Red-Squirrel
    Oooops. According to my elder surviving daughter this was me. Not affectionate enough, trying to make her do things she didn't want to do (like not truanting from school), not being there for her enough etc etc.

    Some of this can be explained by my not being at home, being out at work 'concentrating on my career too much' although the end result was putting food on the table and keeping a roof over our heads.

    Oddly enough her younger sister who died (who she actually treated very badly, stealing from her etc) never had the same criticisms of me. Neither do my step-family especially my 2 step-granddaughters, who couldn't be more loving. Although they're all at a distance.
    r ic wisdom funde, r wear ic eald.
    Before I found wisdom, I became old.
    • thorsoak
    • By thorsoak 13th Feb 18, 6:32 PM
    • 5,618 Posts
    • 25,632 Thanks
    thorsoak
    I was thinking of the number of people who post here who only see their elderly parent(s) a couple of times a year - I'd call that neglect.
    Originally posted by Tabbytabitha
    Oh dear. Maybe I should tell my children how sadly they neglect me! Distance also comes into relationships - my DD and her family live in USA - which means that I see them once - or twice a year if I am lucky. However, we (and I mean my DD, my DGD andDGS) talk weekly. Similarly for my son & his family who live in Ireland. At the moment I see slightly more of No 3 son and his wife who live 150 miles away - but I think things will change in a couple of months when their twins are born! No1 son pops in two or three times a month, but he works odd shifts and has his own family to look after.

    Its not a matter of neglect = not much personal contact, Tabbytabitha - not everyone lives in the same street, same town, same county - or even same country.
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